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Sylvia Plath, from “Three Women.”

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Instagram:l16.17l

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no more stress thanks, i’m full

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you’re safe here

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to the guy before,

i still don't understand why you did what you did, the puppy dog eyes were more deceiving than i originally thought, and maybe i'll never know why you did that, why you tore my heart when i had asked you not too, why you lied and promised to stay when you had no real intention of doing so, and sometimes i hate the fact i don't know, i really do. but sometimes, its almost comforting, knowing that you probably still think of me, i mean how could you forget, i gave my all to you. i wish i could say things are easier now you're gone, i wish i could say i moved on and am living my best life, but instead i'm worse than probably ever before, i'm crying every night and pushing everyone away, i still love you, but i don't. because i don't know if i ever loved you or just grew attached to the false hope and comfort you provided me, the lies you told. and i keep the rose tinted glasses on every single day, ignoring the things you did and pushing them away. but late at night its like everything hits me 50x harder, like your words still haunt me. i still feel your touch when i shouldn't and your lips on my body and i can't get rid of it. i've washed my skin till it cracks to try and forget the lingering feeling of your hands on my body, but its never helped, i've just learned to avoid the bathroom, because how can i ever love a body i know did nothing but allow you to hurt me. i'm still annoyed you go around calling me needy and clingy when all i ever wanted was the love everyone else seemed to get, but its not your fault you were never taught how to love someone. i'm still annoyed about the lies you spread and went around saying i used you for money, because we both know that wasn't true in the slightest, and it tore me when i heard that you had said that. i wish i could move on, stop thinking about you but i don't know how. no one's ever hurt me quite this bad. and i hate you for hurting me, for gaslighting me and manipulating me and going around victimising yourself again and again and again but i suppose that's exactly who you are and i was dumb for thinking otherwise. i'm still upset about the things you said and did, the coercion into sex and the objectifying me and the rape, im still heavily upset about every bit of it and it still beats me up, but at the end of the day, while i still struggle daily, i know i'll end up stronger at the end, and i know that no matter what happens, i win. you've hurt me, but i can't give you the comfort of knowing that because that was your aim all along, so i'll have you kept as a blocked number and a deleted contact, because it gives me the comfort of knowing there's no turning back and no fighting for you anymore. you never deserved me, and i'll heal eventually, i just have to let this all pass first.

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“I wanted the past to go away, I wanted to leave it, like another country; I wanted my life to close, and open like a hinge, like a wing, like the part of the song where it falls down over the rocks: an explosion, a discovery; I wanted to hurry into the work of my life; I wanted to know, whoever I was, I was alive for a little while.”

— Mary Oliver, from “Dogfish”

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My default setting is assuming people don’t want to talk to me

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Ottessa Moshfegh, My Year of Rest and Relaxation

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Ottessa Moshfegh, My Year of Rest and Relaxation