9pointflower

[9pointflower]

[9pointflower]

I've seen what happens when people Get Worse. I've orbited a lot of people who Got Worse (especially online). If you listen to people who Got Worse it's all the same: they don't have consistent, meaningful social support, they've been hurt too many times and they can't open up out of fear that the next betrayal is going to drive the knife right through the artery, they end up spending too much time alone and develop secret languages, meanings, thought cycles completely inscrutable to anyone who has never had to rely on such rituals to survive, they get caught in a cycle of reopening and licking their wounds because the progression of time is so unrewarding and stagnant that the past is basically always the present, and the present is already the future, they become mean, they become strange.

some people might offer to help them but it's rare they ever know where to start, let alone exhibit compassion without grimace. admittedly, even for genuinely compassionate people, it isn't the easiest thing. if the person is someone who is stuck in their ways or doesn't know you, they don't really have a reason to be receptive to your help. "why should I waste my time on someone who is just going to become another memory of heartache? someone who will carelessly hurt and abandon me?" and such. an earnest attempt to help can feel like an attempted assault to them. at the same time, the meaningful interpersonal relationships that these people need will not survive if built on pity or fleeting self-gratifying feelings of "building" someone into your idea of a desirable person.

I don't know where I was going with this, but I always found it hard not to see myself as only a few degrees removed from these people. one or two safety nets separated from being completely trapped. unable to feel safe in not just the world but also my own body. a cosmological dead end. I stay away from habitually engaging in the obvious things can that make trying to change when you're at this point difficult (alcohol, drugs, etc), but if temperance is how you maintain stability in the face of rock bottom, you're basically already there, right? you're there and your body just hasn't caught up. maybe I'm just being dramatic because it's late. hows everypony finding the new deltarune chapters.

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Maintenance meeting

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i still don't understand why shazam flopped

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the wind likes playing with my hair

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John Kitching’s ‘A Dangerous Idea’

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i was feeling kinda rowdy yesterday so i friendly fired 5 shots into an allied dog (Canis familiaris) into the head and chest areas

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money

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you can help decide this for a house full of transfems. please don't scroll away...

car in the shop still. my girlfriend is stuck two hours away sleeping on our friends couch until it's fixed, because it broke down in another city. i caught a ride back home with a friend because i was freaking out being away from home but she needs to stay to wait for car repairs. i miss her. we haven't been apart for this long in a long time. im scared.

how quickly she can come home is directly linked to how quickly we can afford repairs.

there's a bunch of trouble with the transmission and if you know anything about cars you know that means "absolute nightmare expensive shitshow". so far we're down $150 for transmission fluid and an inspection and there hasn't even been work done yet. ill update this post when we get exact quotes.

but even besides car stuff to get my girlfriend back home, we have bills coming up. phone bill hits in a week and then internet, water, electric, and finally rent at the end of the month.

and on top of this our last employed roommate has lost his job now too. we're losing everything. it's all slipping through our fingers and we are just insanely fucked.

please please please keep sharing these posts. i know how pathetic it is. i hate it. i don't want this.but please. everything depends on this. it's all we have.

Pâypa| / Çash App / Kofi

(qr codes in case tumblr nukes the links)

thank you so much all of you who've shared or donated previously. thank you. i love you all.

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i want to lov but my body has toooo many mouthes

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that post that's like "what's wrong with joining the army to kill people ain't that the point" always reminds me of how a few years into the iraq war this volunteer american soldier gave an interview to the washington post where he said exactly that and candidly confessed to having already killed someone for fun but being disappointed by how easy and unexciting he felt it was, and a month later he planned and participated in a gang rape and massacre of a little girl and her family. average poor dumb kid from little old usa just trying to afford college

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black sunset

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imvile