9tori94

[9tori94]

I’m two months away from having a cancer♋️ ascendent. I’m already feeling it!!! As a natal cancer mars I just know I’m going to burn something down then cry. Im trying to stay cool, so my Capricorn mars bf doesn’t find out I’m actually a ragging psychopath who hasn’t had a nap. Help me !! Anyone who’s recently had a solar return cancer ascendent, give me some insight. Be honest please !!

[9tori94]

12th House Venus: I Choose Longing

(Disorganized attachment style edition)

"I'll still choose my imagination instead of choosing a tangible you."

My soul is drawn to someone who won't choose me; my body finds solace in the desire of someone who longs for me but ultimately chooses another.

As I sit on my bed, lost in yet another mesmerizing song, I start to feel this type of longing that my own soul forgets it calls for. I stare into the abyss of what I think is my room and this sinking feeling seeps in; suddenly I start to feel as if I have said goodbye to someone who was never even mine.

I start to imagine false memories in my mind, and i'm suddenly remembering this false goodbye. My soul can't tell the difference, is it reality or just my imagination? I cling onto these false memories as if the person I long for has just chosen another, It's like i'm reading a fabricated story and my eyes can only look in between the lines, not at the words but instead I stare at the unsaid.

Instead, I lie on my bed, imagining a scenario where I walk into a room and I see the side of his face lost in conversation with someone else, my heart clenches, I take a deep breathe in and to my expected surmise, I see him with her. And as I look over he turns to look at me, and as our eyes interlock I imagine him clenching his fists, holding his breath while whispering to himself, "I wish you were her."

Instead, I stare at the wall, imagining a scenario where I'm walking into a bar and I see him with her. We make eye contact; he takes a breath and looks down. I can't look away, my heart is suddenly wishing for his hello but seconds pass, our eye contact breaks, and as he walks away, I imagine him holding her hand, while thinking to himself, "It should have been her."

Am I choosing this? Am I wishing to long for someone instead of ever being with them? Why do I envision scenarios where the person I say I want has said goodbye to me before, but only after I fell for him, and after he fell for me too?

"My body finds comfort in only the idea of you, and because I fear accepting the love my own soul reluctantly calls for, I will choose these imagined scenarios over ever being truly yours; i'd rather break my own heart over and over again than allow the love I so desperately wish for in; even it means I'll stare at the ceiling, searching through the what if's and what could be's, I'll still choose my imagination instead of choosing a tangible you."

12th House Venus + Moon aspecting Neptune may relate because oftentimes these individuals will search and run towards those who take, those who won't emotionally satisfy or emotionally give in the way you need. Instead those you choose are those who may have to need you, you're the other woman, the mistress, the girl he hasn't told his friends about, the girl in the shadows or the one he only calls at 2AM. You somehow are never the chosen girl, and you find yourself in loops and cycles of choosing those who won't choose you. In essence, these individuals are reflecting to you core wounds that you haven't acknowledged or accepted. Especially if you have many 12H house placements such as a12H Moon/Venus or Pisces Moon. Those patterns you've reluctantly learned from your childhood or from your Mom, has lead you here. Now you stare in the mirror and question your wholeness, you question why the ones you choose never seem to choose you, and you're soul is instead asking to give yourself that type of love that you're too scared to develop.

This is how I have felt in the past regarding romantic connections, and for me, these types of feelings only occur when the connection I am forming holds the possibility that I can fall for the person. Especially if the boy I like showcases a slight desire for another or isn't meeting my expectations, I'll get into this longing state where I imagine our connection is completely over, I imagine that he is with someone else and I sit in it; and this feeling somehow feels comfortable for me. It's what keeps me in shallow connections, It's what keeps my walls up, it's what creates the distance between me and love. I am terrified of ever being someone else's, I am terrified of being wanted by someone I can see myself falling for, and yet I want nothing more.

I choose those who won't choose me because this uncertainty is what my body knows. My body feels "safe" in this emotional wishing because it's what I have been used to ever since I was young. Once they somehow show consistency within the connection I feel uneasy and confused, I feel more uncomfortable with them openly stating their desires for me, I feel more unsafe when they look into my eyes and they tell me "I want you." I need to want them, and they need to want me too, but only in intervals. I need to see him with another while staring at me, I need to question his feelings and imagine the what ifs. If I can't then a part of me can't want him.

When the connection becomes "real" or more "open" I start to feel reluctant and uneasy, once my self worth isn't being questioned, I ask myself "Do I care?" "Do I actually want him?"

These dilemma type of feelings are our concrete walls our brain has created for us to stay "safe." We feel comfortable in shallow connections, we feel more at ease in meaningless connections, and yet a part of our soul is asking for more, a part of our soul knows how much we can give and instead of asking for a sip of the love we crave, we'd rather stay parched.

We'd rather stay away from those who will hurt us because if we allowed them in, if they saw us, then they'll have the power to truly break us;

This post is more word vomit, I really don't know if others will relate but this is why I am so drawn to nodal synastry + water house synastry overlays, I don't feel safe with anyone, I don't like being with someone who doesn't bring me ease or the sense of acceptance, and I wanted to share my thoughts.

I have:

A Scorpio Moon that exactly squares my Neptune

A 12th House Venus, Mercury, Chiron and Lilith

My 12th House Venus sextiles my Neptune

A disorganized attachment style with abandonment wounds.

[9tori94]

12h synastry feels like Allie never came back.

#astrology #synastry #astronotes #astrologyobservations

[9tori94]

Hi! If you have time, I was wondering how you feel about Taurus Lilith in the 6H ? Im a Virgo sun and I feel like Lilith really makes me go insane here.

Hello!

Since the 6th house and Virgo have overlapping themes, i can imagine that it can feel very disstressing for you.

Lilith Taurus in the 6th house can add to a feeling of stress and threat. Taurus in the 6th seeks for a sense of comfort and thus routine and security in the mundane/job, Lilith here can create a deep rooted fear of having that taken from you, or potentially something could've caused you to have an altered view on it.

This can translate in the way you manage life and get your earnings too. There is a strong need to do things your own way, because submission could cost you your definiton and ideals of self determination and comfort. It could quiet literally go against your ideal values. You could have troubles seeing the worth of putting in the effort.

Chances are this can deal with a fear of loss or something happened that actually lead to you losing something important to you. It can be hard for you to invest now, it can make you very choosy and picky, but not necessarily in a bad way, it can lead to a bigger conscious about what you choose to invest time and effort in and how to properly care for and handle yourself and others. You want to decide on your own terms. This placement, especially with Taurus in the 6th, can trigger perfectionism and awake the inner and outer critique. This strong willed nature of yours can either make you admired or at worst even resented by those who work with you or spend their daily life with you.