a-bagel-with-anxiety

[a-bagel-with-anxiety]

jokes to make after failure that aren’t self-deprecating:

I’m the best to ever do it

Nobody saw that (best if said loudly)

No one’s ever done it like me

I could be President/they should make me President

Behold, a mere fraction of my power!

The public wants to be me soooooo bad

I’m an expert in (thing you just failed at)

How could this have happened to god’s favorite princess?

Nothing ibuprofen and a glass of water cant fix

I’m being sabotaged

[a-bagel-with-anxiety]

Police detective trying to solve a murder who accidentally stumbles onto the victim's neighbour's secret - he's a vampire. Drinks blood, avoids the sun, the whole shebang. He didn't kill her though. So while that's life changing information and whatever it does not help his case one bit

Vampire didn't even know her that well. He caught her cat once when the thing got out and brought him back after sundown. She gave him a cobbler, which he said was very bad, but not the sort of thing you'd do a murder over. "That's not funny," says the cop. "A woman is dead."

And the vampire is like, "Well, I implied that killing her was wrong."

The cop gives up with the vampire. Finds out a lady this woman worked with is like, a witch, or does magic or some shit. Real magic. Cool. She didn't kill her either though. Jesus Christ.

This cop finding an entire magical society and being utterly humourless and annoyed about the entire thing because it's not even helping his CASE

[a-bagel-with-anxiety]

okay now that we’ve a had couple lesbian blockbusters and milfs are having a romance moment, we need to bring back the manic pixie dream girl. she was never fuckin suited to fixing all the problems of some boring twenty year old everyman, but you know who could actually benefit from a quirky free-spirited blue haired girl with pronouns (she/they)? a newly divorced forty-something mom who’s trying to learn how to be herself for the first time in her life

[a-bagel-with-anxiety]

time to bring back a classic.

[a-bagel-with-anxiety]

[a-bagel-with-anxiety]

Here’s a video so you can hear the water and the thrushes. I took it for you because you couldn’t be there. <3

[a-bagel-with-anxiety]

a child came into the nature center and saw tadpoles for the first time and when i told him they're baby frogs he thought i was lying and i suddenly realized that if you're 3 and don't know that tadpoles become frogs it does sound pretty fake. this kid will not fall for made up shit online he is a born skeptic.

[a-bagel-with-anxiety]

happy make a terrible comic day 2025 . I am 80% mucus today

[a-bagel-with-anxiety]

The reading comprehension and overall common sense on this website is piss poor.

[a-bagel-with-anxiety]

ultimately the truth about frankenstein is that we are all grotesque amalgamations of the best and worst parts of everyone who came before us. and sometimes the people who are supposed to love us because of and in spite of this will not. and we can kill them with hammers for that. and i think that’s beautiful

[a-bagel-with-anxiety]

how everything is feeling

[a-bagel-with-anxiety]

I'm keeping an eye out for heat stroke in my area and I can't figure out what a full body flush would look like on dark skin since all the pictures are just fake training pictures. Anyone have video/pics of a heat stroke flush on black skin?

[a-bagel-with-anxiety]

[a-bagel-with-anxiety]

[a-bagel-with-anxiety]

people will tell you they hate tofu and think its disgusting and then you ask them how they prepared it and you find out they cooked it in the most disturbingly bland unseasoned way possible. like yeah no shit

[a-bagel-with-anxiety]

[a-bagel-with-anxiety]

dont delete your zero note post. i will be there in 15 hours.