a-bummm

[a-bummm]

I have to hate you.

I have to hate you because when I don't hate you, the only thing I feel for you is love.

And if I love you, then I miss you and then it hurts.

So I must hate you.

God how I hate you.

[a-bummm]

"But you see, there is a graveyard in my mouth filled with words that have died on my lips."

[a-bummm]

falling in love

feels a lot like drowning

and you my dear

filled my lungs with burning water

scorching my throat

with your salty sea water

as i suffocated

in the pain i thought was love

[a-bummm]

All I wanted

were blue skies,

until I learned

to love the rain.

[a-bummm]

Wanting to be comforted by the person who hurt you is a different type of pain..

[a-bummm]

Manipulation is when they will blame you for your reaction to their toxic behaviour, but don't discuss their disrespect that triggered you.

[a-bummm]

My childhood trauma didn't make me stronger. it made me a people pleaser. it made me forgive way too much. it made me not speak when i'm supposed to. it made me an extreme empath.

[a-bummm]

“Tell me about yourself” ok do u wanna know my past trauma or my fave color?

[a-bummm]

sorry i was acting so weird i can't be normal about you

[a-bummm]

You deserve a calm love with somebody who's your safe space, your best friend, and brings peace to your soul during stressful times.

[a-bummm]

just got diagnosed as your soulmate. yeah sorry now we must spend the rest of our lives together

[a-bummm]

It wasn’t until I met you that I realized I write when I’m feeling negative emotions. Everything that happened around me needed to be writen down. I needed an outlet to pour out the things that dragged me down, but then I met you. I didn’t write. I didn’t feel the need to. I was happy. You made me happy. And now I want to write because I am happy. You changed me. And everyday I am thankful that you are the one by my side.

-after meeting you

v.l.d.

[a-bummm]

listen, I’m not here talking about relationship. I’m not asking you to marry me, to be completely committed to me from this day on. I’m not even sure whether I want to start something with you or not, okay? all I’m asking for is a chance. a chance to possibly be what you need and didn’t know about. to pop up to you whenever we feel like it, checking on you because I know I have this right. I just want a chance to show you who I am, who I could be with you and who I am without you. a chance to meet up, get out there in the world together, keeping it casual, keeping it easy and private. I don’t need you to say yes to an engagement proposal, nor do I need you to kneel down to me and propose as if there’s no tomorrow to look at. I’m not desperate. I’m not hopelessly and endlessly in love with you. I can’t even know if I really like you, as I’m waiting for that chance. a chance to quiet down the rest of the world for a moment, forgetting about our friends and family and talk. listen to what we have to say to each other, if we ever have something to share. but I’m sure we have it. a chance to be the best version of myself both for you and for me, for us. a chance to start a new chapter of our lives, experiencing the unexpected and letting things go with the flow. all I’m asking for is a chance to keep talking with you, to keep meeting you on wednesday nights and seeing you smile. my texts, my audios… they’re all attempts to make you understand I want this chance. I’m trying to make it visible, to make it evident that I’m ready to have the chance of being in your life. I don’t know if you’re getting me, if my attempts are having some sort of effect on you. I wish they had. I wish you got me. maybe you’re, maybe you’re not. lots of quotes are popping up on my pinterest home page, stuff like “I wonder what your thoughts are when you hear people say my name” and my mind immediately goes to you. I try to imagine your face, your gorgeous blue eyes in the exact moment my name comes to your ears. would you think of me? would you smile? would you be indifferent? perhaps you know many other girls with the same name as mine, or maybe you don’t. I cannot know what your feelings are when my name enters the same room as you’re in, nor can I exactly tell you what my feelings are as well. I just know that you have a name I’ve always disliked. but that is the same name I reevaluated the same moment I learnt it was yours. I just know that hearing your name would bring a smile on my face, maybe a clumsy and shy one, yes, but it’d always be a smile.

listen, I just want a chance. I’m not expecting anything from you, I’m not even asking you anything. I’m just trying to get my chance. and I’m waiting, I’ll wait. it was you who said that it would be interesting to casually go out some time. I did my move. now I’m waiting for yours with no commitment, no hopes, no expectations. I’m waiting for my chance to be given, for you to make your move. I texted you first, I asked you out first, and you always texted me back. we’re not indifferent to each other, that’s what I care about now. that I can have my chance. that there is no reason for me not to have a chance on you. I’m just asking for this.

[a-bummm]

how could you be empty and still carry the whole universe inside of you? you beat inside my ribcage like the soft throb of waves on the seashore, yet every day is a prayer to a summer of shadows we still sing under. everyone leaves an echo - darling, you’re the warmth my heart needed to survive. the more I love you, the more alive I feel. don't want you to become a chapter in my life, I want us to write this book together.

This is my favorite time in history because you’re alive right now.

[a-bummm]

Marines being Marines

[a-bummm]

Sometimes when something traumatic happens, your brain might replay that scenario over and over again in your head in an attempt to get some sort of closure. This doesn't help though, thinking about a traumatic event over and over again will almost never result in a peaceful resolution, it will instead cause you to spiral into intrusive and painful thoughts. When you think about a thought over and over again, it solidifies itself in your mind, causing you to habitually think about it more and more. If you are currently dealing with something traumatic, things can get better, even if it seems impossible. If this is something you can access, I highly recommend finding a therapist, mental health is a very complicated subject and what works for one person might not work for another, I just wanted to share a summary of something my therapist taught me

[a-bummm]

i think love is like catching fireflies. you have to get out there and wander in the dark until find what you were looking for. you have to be gentle with it. if you try to keep it bottled up or force it to stay in your hands, it dies or flees in fear. but you can guide it and hold it close without hurting it. it might not always be there but it does always come back. and it glows