a-fragile-kitten

[a-fragile-kitten]

Still Alive xo

Welp, I guess it’s about time to open this space again for my emotions. 

I don’t really feel okay at this point. 

I want to name the feelings I feel at this point but I am scared because I made a decision lately which is what really want. Or is it?

So much happened for the past like 9 or 10 months that I couldn’t even fathom everything.  

Lost my dad due to covid. 

My big time project-based job has ended. 

Break-up. 

Failed talking stage.

Getting back together with my ex. 

Four months unemployed.

Lost trust from some of my friends because of getting back together with my ex. 

Lost our house. 

And now, I am pretty sure it is taking a toll. 

I do not know if I am doing right decisions. I am afraid of what’s gonna happen next. I continue on questioning my decision making. Is God making sure I learn this aspect? God keeps on allowing problems that requires decision making and I know I suck at it, most of the time.

I do not know why I feel pain regarding the failed talking stage even though I know from the very start that I am the problem. I gave k mixed signals. I want her. I loved her. But I ended up going back to my ex because apparently I feel like I still love her more than her. I keep on messing things up. I am now afraid of making decision makings. I want to label these emotions that I feel. All I can say is, anxiety. 

I hate myself for overthinking. 

[a-fragile-kitten]

Space~ /Day 0/

Sooo my gf and I agreed to acquire space because fights were frequent in our relationship.

I will document my daily reflection here. 

I miss this.

I miss writing out all of my feelings even if sometimes I suck with my grammar.

I miss her already but I have to reflect. I have to take time for myself.

She’s always indicating that we do have love quarrels because of me. 

I always initiate the LQ. But in reality, that isn’t my intention at all.

She said its normal in a relationship to have misunderstandings and LQs.

But at the same time, she is always say that I do always start the fight.

I guess she is right. 

I will be documenting my reflection here so that I can see my process.

I just hope she’ll still be mine after 7 days.

I’m tired of crying.

I mean — 

I have to become better for myself so that I’ll be able to love the people around me even more.

I just hope she stays.

I am not and won’t be ready if she’s not interested anymore after this.

[a-fragile-kitten]

man, I cannot wait to pursue my passion...

But still, I have to wait for the right time.

Trust the process!

[a-fragile-kitten]

NOTED

Good Habits to Develop

1. Set yourself some daily goals. Keep them realistic and achievable. That will give direction – so you don’t fritter your time.

2. Read inspirational books and blogs; hang around people who are positive.

3. Stay in touch with what’s happening in the world. We’re not just islands – we are part of one another.

4. Make the effort to stay in touch. Just a “like” on facebook, or a brief text message, conveys to that person that they matter to you.

5. Invest some time in your appearance and health. We’re more confident when we look and feel our best.

6. Pay attention to your priorities. Do what’s most important, and not most urgent, first. (Note: If you never learn to prioritise then everything seems urgent – and that’s what runs your life!)

7. Smile. It makes people feel more positive towards you – and it tends to lift our mood, and enhance our feelings, too.

8. Tidy as you go. It’s easier to work, and you’ll feel a lot less stressed, if you’re working somewhere that’s devoid of clutter. Also, if you tidy as you go then it feels less overwhelming.

9. Include some margin in your life so you don’t feel so stressed, as unexpected things always eat away our time. Expect that to happen – and leave some extra time.

10. Take time for yourself as you need to relax, unwind, recover, and recharge your batteries.

[a-fragile-kitten]

this is a weird flex but i was able to experience three types of bite:

a bite from a stray cat, a bite from my neighbor’s dog, 

and

a deep, scarring bite from the reality that i should be functional for this society.

gonna claim this, i can and WILL help change the world, soon. 

we CAN, aren’t we?

hopefully.

~

[a-fragile-kitten]

People come and go in your life, but the right ones will always stay.

Lessons Learned in Life (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[a-fragile-kitten]

WHATS POPPIN

OK IM BACK

shockingly, this thing is still alive tho. tried backreading my shit out there and my god! its been years since i dropped my dramatic puberty shit here hahahaha whats up? how ya’ll doing? not really sure if someone is reading my stuff here but just want ya’ll to know that i have lots of story to share to ya’ll so stay tune! hopefully i can earn mutuals here huhu facebook twitter and instagram are now becoming toxic into my pupils!

also can someone help me understand tumblr more because i feel like my acc here is boring and plain?? haha 

[a-fragile-kitten]

Coming back

Adulthood is taking on my way.

It is now getting more confusing than ever.

I hope and pray that one day, I will be successful while doing what I love.

There are a lot of questions in my mind right now.

But it is not worth overthinking for...

Nevermind, I will just keep going. Lezzgooo!

[a-fragile-kitten]

:”(

Hi mom! im sorry if im kinda off today, it is just that, im soooo stress with my academics right now and i do not know what to do. There are a lot of deadlines that I have to meet, I even missed a lot of practices ever since finals started. Mom, I know you are tired of working endlessly , dont worry mom I wll be done sooner or later. Seeing you struggle and hurt because the way my sister treated you is heart breaking for me. Sometimes I want to cry out our just punch your daughter for being a douchbag even though she is already nearing the age of being an aunt. I know she is still a big ass burden. I cant make promise or what but after my graduation I will make sure that you will get what you deserve mom. I will work hard for you and for dad. 

I am not a vocal person either but I just to tell you guys that I love you so much. Mom, Dad, I love you so much. I know there are times that I get mad at you but it just fades afterwards. Knowing myself very well, I know that I cant and would not plant any anger or whatever feels against the to of you. Mom, Dad, I just wanna tell you that I am really really exhausted with life right now but seeing you guys in everyday life, it eases my heart that sometimes I am forgetting that I am already bleeding.

Mom, Dad. Just wait a little longer, I know I’ll make it someday for you guys! I love you so much Mom and Dad! I miss you Dad, hope you are doing there abroad, I know it always been a struggle to work without us. Living in a roof for a long time without us costs you so much in all aspects. I know dad but please stay strong, know that I love you. 

~

[a-fragile-kitten]

<3

this is random but i love my mom so muccch

i love you mom even though you snore much loud beside me

i love you mom because of your unendless sacrifices

ILoveYou mom! I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU MOM <3333

thankyou Lord for giving me this amazing woman in my life i may not be vocal but I love my mom soooomucchhh

appreciate much

[a-fragile-kitten]

.

next one where the latest ?? haha lol whatever

after a year or two, my fella had a friend who has a friend and they just let us be m.u or whatever. but i consider it not because no, we aint mutual understanding. im that type of person when you talk to me, i tend to throw cheesy </fucking> lines and funny jokes out of nowhere, i still wonder about that but then i realized maybe it is because of the butterflies in my stomach. i mean these butterflies are helping my brain to do well you know. well i can say at that time im pretty serious, i even told that person that my parents and family are strict but whatever i’ll fight for us </wow see how fucking cheesy person i am haha> i told that fella that we might get an official label after my graduation in college and that person said that “im willing to wait” lol, too overused to considered as punchline. anyways we lasted for a week. exactly a week. we even went out for a movie date but again i dont consider it as date it feels like it was just a friendly hangout for real. nothing happened for clarification. i and my family members are vvveeerrryyyy conserrrrvaaativveeee, just letting you know that even holding hands or kiss on cheek is a bbbbiiggg deeeeaaallll. so yeah we just talked  and talked bout ourselves that day we watched a movie because i prefer watching movie first then dinner date after because i presume it is going to be fun you know talking about the movie you have watched with someone. im toooo subjective i know but sorry im a movie inclined person. anyways we arent able to eat dinner together because it is already 10pm by that time and i have to travel home for an hour. next day i thought we are still cool together and then i only realized that this human being was being kind of cold or whatever. but since i have noooo idea at all i still tell that person what happened to that day at school or something and that person is not really replying something so i was like, whats happening? but since i am that kind of person who are mostly kind of right in terms of guessing, i thought by that time that it was going to an end and it did. several days i kind of saw the tweet of that human and i saw an unforgetable tweet which contains “i dont want to break a perfectly beautiful heart” idk if that person meant it but thankyouuuu. thankyou for letting me know that. thankyou for informing me that i deserve better. thankyou. but honestly, i was kind of hurt that time of course i thought that we should have at least tried but then i realized well i think i wont be able to commit since my family is a bunch of a great detectives lol if you know what i mean. 

what happened to that person? well i could draw and explain yall a little bit of info. Lets say I sum up with 4 characters here. 1 is my friend, consider me is the 2, then someone we will call it 3 and the person who tweeted a cheesy yet confusing line 4. 1 and 2 are best of friends, same with 3 and 4. 2 is older than 1. 1 is older that 3 (the youngest in these four people) and 4 is the oldest of them all. that time when (me) 2 and 4 are in good terms or whatever, 1 and 3 are in a relationship. they lasted for about five or six months idk. this is a looong ass story but i will just summarize it because i am lazy as fuck. 1 and 3 broke up in not a nice way tho. i mean break ups are not meant to be nice but they broke up during xmas season and guess who is the new thang of my good friend? of course, 4! until now they are still on but i am a bit off to 1 and 4 not because they ended up on each other but also i just dont want to be part of their lives and vice versa. we do recognize each other in a very casual way but not same as before. why i became distant to 1 who is my ex-bestfriend? i want no issue to be built. 1 told me that (1) had a feelings on me before. i mean idk, just kind of crush you knoooow and i was like ??? whats with me im confused. so yeah thats it thats the cocoa drink today haha. aaaanddd if i were asked if ever there will be another chance of talking to them all for a closure or what i might just say “thankyou and sorry and i only wish all the best for yall. stay cool”.

 i charged it all in my experienced bank btw. ok bye why i am not dropping pronouns like he she or whatever? because i want to instill my anonymity but anyways thankyou for dropping by for this nonsenses stuff. i might spill my latest lateessttt stuff tomorrow because i have to stop right here, i need to study for my exams haha ciao adios!

[a-fragile-kitten]

.

so this is going to be a random stuff from me. i wanna share something. i just kind of uhmm... cant repress it anymore.

since i had no relationship since birth, yes you read it right since birth, i have no idea of what it feels like when you are in a relationship. when i was a kid i had a bestfriend and we are still friends til now that we are young adults. so yeah we go along together and i secrely kind of crush that human being. i cant explain it in words but i had a crush on that person for like six and a half years or soooo. im not really that kind of vocal specially when it comes to this kind of matter. so thats funny right? years had passed and that person still had no idea. when i realized that it is time to make decision whether to confess or nah, of course i chose not to confess. </fuck my grammar> i mean i treasure our friendship the most and i realize there would be no way for us to get on another level. i realized it might be just kind of philia kind of love or friendship love you know but still i dont know. so yeah this is ridiculous but i moved on with no particular reason bc i felt like i needed to lol. the bad thing is because i told wrong people my story, whenever they see that person they were always teasing me but later on i just learned to laugh and shrug it all off haha. so to cut this thang short, i am happy that i did not confess my feelings about that person, i think one of the factors is that, there is no sense at telling it. i might just get ruin our friendship you know. also my feelings for that person is very inconsistent but i still wonder why it took me years to admire that fella. and then i realized again that maybe.. maybe because i was able to find my own schema about the person i want to be with for the rest of my life. fucking cheesy. but that person is a cheater, timer and all, name it. but those negative stuff about that person are also factors why i did not confess. but that person is witty, clingy and caring at times so those adjectives that i said might be my ideal type. idk~~~ this is not my mother language thats why at times i suck in grammar but fuck grammar tho i just want to express whats on my mind haha ok bye. theres another one i wanna spill but i will just drop it on another draft or whatever. ok for real, bye.

my points on this are blurry but those people who are with blurry mind can also relate to this but i bet no ones going to  be able to read this unless i tell them my acc here haha. bye~

[a-fragile-kitten]

.

so yeah, probably this is just a non sense stuff but i feel like some people put me in their ignore messages. so this is the feeling of getting ignored virtually but in real life when i see them they act normal but i can sense that something is u between me and that person. why the f its so hard to be straight forward and vocal and all. i want to voice out myself but i cant. i am not that kind of person tho, maybe im an outgoing person but in terms of that kind of situation, i really really do suck. sorry for that. sorry. i hope things will get better in time~ i miss being happy genuinely~~

[a-fragile-kitten]

Uhm~

Demanding means insist on having or similar to an order or command.

Lacking means inadequate or deficient or similar to insufficient or missing.

Am I demanding or there’s just uhm.. something kind of lacking?

or am I just thinking too much? am I just leaking from a wrecked cup of coffee?

~

Hell yeah, another non-verbal ted talk boi lol. I am going to share some personal things then we go on my real catch. Ok? Leggo.

Obviously, this is going to tackle another friendship conflict or whatever. So since I was able to get rid off my previous friends who are toxic for me (and I bet I am toxic for them too, fairly), I became distant and more repressant than before. I learned to own things up. I poured out my attention to myself, letting myself to enter the world of kpop stanning, watching more netflix stuff or kdrama, sometmes I try to enhance my hidden talents which are singing dancing and rapping which I think better only hidding not showing haha. Honestly, although i am an outgoing person, sometimes I think of myself as an ambivert not a total extrovert. A year or two from now, I might be flying out from college which is I think cool and great yet at the same time scary and interesting but did you know that i still do have this kind of thing called Stage Fright and it is not good for me in my honest opinion. This thing always affect me in any ways I can tell but believe me whenever I am trying to say this to others I feel like they are just shrugging it off. Ok next stop. 

Uhm~ I always get easily attach to other people, not in a romantic way or whatever but in terms of building a thing called friendship, I am always the first one to get attach to that. I am a positive person, a friend that you can literraly say that song from Charlie Puth “One call away, I’ll be there to save the day.” Sometimes I feel like heavens might drop some kind of cape someday because of that. Not knowing that some people are just using me for good. Friends for beneficial reasons. Not really into bragging or something but I am capable of a lot of things. Yet most of the time I do not get what I served them. The question “Demanding or Lacking” can pop in now. Tentenenen~ I mean I am not really demanding for the equal amount or more but you know I just want to feel that I am your friend too. I mean I just wanted to feel that “I befriended you because I want to. You are great” kind of vibe. I do not want that temporary kind of vibe. Life is short, even thought we are not sure who are the friends that we have right now are going to be part of your story until the last chapter and pages of your life. Plus, I always encounter this scenario. Everytime my friends are asking for favor or something I am always right there for them responsding to rightfully and wholeheartedly giving, doing, or whatever it may be because I value the power of friendship between me and that certain person. But in return, I do not get it why it is always hard for them to do it for me. I mean, am I that much demanding? I just wanted to feel the essence of frienship between us. Through good and bad times right? but why... or is it just me, that is really unfortunate in having friends? I mean I am not unfriending them or something but sometimes I always feel that these people that are so called my friends are just always taking advantage of my kindness. You know, sometimes I think why some people are really filtering their set of friends and then I realized, they are so intelligent for doing it so. Yet here I am, I always end up hurt, exhausted and bewildered. As I always say “It does not hurt to be kind, but it does when you are to much kind.” Take it from me, lol. Be regardless, my statement is true right? Am I demanding or there is just something that is lacking? 

-To be continued-

Anyways, I might just continue this later or whatever because it is already dawn I have classes to attend later or nah hahaha goodnight.

[a-fragile-kitten]

Hi, Im back. It is me again.

This is so funny for me. This stuff is always been my fav crib everytime there is no one to talk to. Yep it is all about my bewildered life and stuff again. But I think this is fun because this feels like an online diary of mine yet no one knows me here so that is great too.

First of all, I want to congratulate myself for forgiving those bad moments that happened to me before or i mean last year. I was able to move on and forgive them for what they have done for me. That is totally great. Way to go! I could say I became better and greater than I was before. But as a human being, we should never stop learning and also life is like a heartbeat sometimes we go up or down. One thing is for sure, people should never stop. Like a semi colon, we should always get ourselves going, going and going. Like a bicycle. This thing called bicycle should always keep moving forward to maintain the balance of everything but like a groupset in the bicycle, sometimes it fucks out along the ways. Remember that we do not need to rush things, we can stop and re-oil. Stop and review. Stop and reflect for a while. Know what happened. Little by little, you’ll know that it is not only the groupset in bike that is in need of improvement but also some little parts of your bike. There is no cost for taking a rest for a while because after all it is all meant for your sake.

I dont know. I just kind of feel random right now. I just want to express myself at this point. 

Thank you tumblr for allowing me to make a non-verbal ted talk here haha.

[a-fragile-kitten]

Uhm yeah so i re read those posts that I've made wholeheartedly and i was shook by the way i expressed myself whenever im going through something. But yah, i kinda learned to explore and learn more about myself especially when it comes to my own feelings, ideas, or so.

[a-fragile-kitten]

Why so delusional ? Please, open your eyes

Ok. I’ve read the trainee posts and some fans posts here. Lemme give you some background and a wake up call. It’s harsh, read at your own Accord . 

I’m asian, taiwanese, American born.

I’ve been in the kpop world since 2009. I’ve had delusional moments too (weighted 93 lbs standing at 5'2 ft, which is basically a kpop idol bmi and weight  standard), i am almost as White as paper, I am often called pretty but it was never enough. Why was I delusional? I was starving and my period stopped for almost 7 months. Why? Because my body had no fat. 

I’ve experienced the so-called Golden kpop years, been a crazy fan, all that jazz.

But y'all need to stop being dreamy about things that aren’t true. 

Your oppa isn’t as Sweet as u think. Your YGE oppas and unnies use drugs, SME people are mostly very cold towards fans and trainees (save a few exception of course) , JYP isn’t as easy going as you all think. I have trainee friends and it’s not all roses there, OK?

And international fans, stop making this “I’m a kpop fan too!!!” your Life motor, as if you’ll die because of it. Koreans are very specific of their liking and unless you’re japanese or chinese, you’re not considered asian (which is BS. India is freaking asian, and even Viet , Cambodian, etc, aren’t considered asian. So stop saying you’re the only outcast. You probably excluse middle east as well, so you’re no different).

Also, stop thinking that only effort will make you debut as a kpop star. If you are not pretty/handsome, ASIAN (as in Japanese, chibese, and sometimes Thai), white as paper (because cmon, even ‘dark’ asians like Yuri from SNSD are white AF), sing exceptionally well and dance exceptionally well, you WILL NOT debut . Done. As you can see , only the pretiest foreigners have a chance. And when I say prettiest, i mean in Korean standards. Such as Tzuyu , Momo, Sana, Lalice, etc. Sorry to break it to you, but koreans have an advantage when it comes to debuting . And even If you think you’re pretty, it May not be enough. Korean industry is harsh, so Just accept it. 

The industry has its dark side. Sleeping around to get what you want, drugs, alcohol, abuse, sexual harassment, all that exists there. Stop thinking it is only made of effort, talent and practice. 

Stop with the body obsession too. They LIVE for that, workout 24/7 and have time . Most ppl DON’T. 

And Trust me, If kpop ‘ruined you’, it was YOUR choice.This kpop world will fade one day. Reality comes by, sure, for some People, kpop becomes their work, but that’s not the case for 99% of y'all.

Just…

Be yourself. Love yourself. Stop living for others. LIVE FOR YOURSELF. Trust your guts.

There are far more important things in Life. Try to help others, work for others benefits instead of only looking at yourself, your selfishness, all about you. Look around a bit more. 

Open your eyes to the world . 

From: an ex-delusional fan who woke up.