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27 began with chicken scratch on tissue paper

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nobody told me

nobody told me it’s the morning tears that are the saddest in the shower or when i wake up; realizing it will never be next to you nobody told me how much self control I’d have to have to not find you nobody told me how much my friends would have to control what they share nobody told me that I’d miss your parents food, their traditions nobody told me how much your family would still care sure, there are pictures but nobody told me how much i’d miss your voice your laugh; chiclet teeth on full display nobody told me how difficult going to work everyday would be nobody told me how much time will simply...pass nobody told me how ugly my own faults would look nobody told me how gracious God would be

nobody told me I’d have to hold onto my own parking tickets nobody told me I’d feel selfish for missing you nobody told me how much clarity would come in light of losing you nobody told me how much I’d miss our future

nobody told me how patient my friends would be nobody told me how gentle and kindly slow God is

nobody told me I would learn what you’re up to through calendar flukes, spontaneous messages, and courtside conversations nobody told me that my life needing pruning; my faith, testing

nobody told me how desperately I’d want a new body nobody told me I can’t escape the skin you touched

nobody told me some days it’d be easy to look ahead nobody told me some days I wouldn’t even want to look ahead

nobody told me how to turn off Google Photos nobody told me how hard it would be to just...move on

nobody told me that in order to experience deliverance you have to face the intersection of regret, sadness, and disappointment

sure, the surrendering is hard but nobody told me that it’s in the waiting that true faith is developed

nobody told me my family would be selfish nobody told me my family would be my sweetest advocates

nobody told me you were never coming back i never thought we’d be on such different pages

nobody told me your love for me was so much more than i could receive nobody told me I wouldn’t know how to miss you well nobody told me it would feel too late

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2020 is crying for 30 mins, then putting on a sparkly dress to hop onto a zoom call with friends, and remembering that we’re just all here doing the best we can with what we got 🤍 enjoy each moment & be kind always

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an ode to eight

Happy New Year, so full of Jubilee

An ode to Ode, take me back on the 271

Duchess & Rich were our closest friends, till the Union came in and struck again

Smiles covered bumps, NY said hello

Left Dominion for change, but we were still on the road (well, I-5)

CREAM-y nights & a Reality anew

But drowned in plans, I was losing you

Eight lines & it seems we’re already outta time

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the pursuit of His jealousy

Do you still doubt, O child of mine? In your job, have I not inspired you? In your community, have I not comforted you? In your family, have I not redeemed you? In your despair, have I not come alongside you? In your joy, have I not celebrated with you? You study, you say – don’t they see the pillar of fire! But love, do you not see the new covenant I have made? For He is the Everlasting One, I am with you May your soul be fortified With the love & knowledge of love that I have for you For you O Child, are mine

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i’ll call out pineapple to the wind and wonder, do you hear the wind too?

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nothing profound

my sweet boy all these political happenings & i can’t help but think of halal guys in them, so many of them, i find only glimpses i have nothing profound to say just missing you a lil bit extra today  –

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betrayal

my heart betrays me it flees to the shiny the seductive the self

my heart betrays me i get it now my mind stands firm a temple, restored & reinforced

my heart betrays me how can so much love & so much deceit come from the same place so much joy & so much hatred

tonight my heart betrays me choosing the comfort of lies over the sharpness of truth if out of the heart comes evil, is the mind truly greater?

my heart finally grows weary weakening with each tear and even still my mind stands firm a fortress, fearing no evil remembering He who is the promise clinging to the One who will prevail

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sticks & stones will break my bones, but words will (never) hurt me

what were once daggers now read like darts is time really the cure-all? or is the desire to protect the heart so strong that the numbness creates the strongest shield it seems that everything in life is best in balance in this stepping forward looking back, and resting in the present words have such power perhaps it’s up to the receiver to decipher & decide deciphering, was it in full sincerity or a half-hearted outburst? deciding, what power will these words have over me?

i, for one will choose face value because it’s the only option the mind will wander a thousand paths but the real one is right in front it’s important to speak words that are honest and rooted in love it’s important to choose words that bring truth and joy and for the ones that don’t, i will hope that they too become gentle needles and eventually, mere scratches on my heart

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five scars

To a hero, scars are a mark of pride to be celebrate. For others, they are a mark of a time to be forgotten. For some, they are a reminder of what was. To me, they are all of these things. They are moments and feelings wrapped up in difficult lessons and warnings for the future. Scars start out raw, but over time they make for stories to remember. I was recently reflecting on some of my own scars, five to be exact. They sit with me the way putty sits on walls – prominent at first, but will eventually blend in with the rest of the wall and at some point, you nearly forget it was puttied up in the first place.

1. Family is important. I have always taken my family for granted. I always just think, "well these are the people that you randomly got assigned to at birth" (lol I'm not adopted!) and that's that. From the start, my family has always just been there so I never put much thought into the fact that I would have to actively choose my own someday. My mentality for so long has been, "well if they're always there then you don't really have to try" and in a way, it has led me to be passive and distant. But that's totally backwards. Your family will be the ones that are always there, so that's who your energy should go towards. The decision to bring someone into such a lifelong unit is huge. It overwhelms me if I think too hard. But the perks outweigh all of that! You get to have people that have seen you grow up, you get to have lifelong advocates, you get to have people that are simply for you (i.e. your advocates), and people that will be forever bonded to you. When the unavoidable demands of work exist, who gets the time and energy you have remaining? When you don't have a lot leftover, family is what's left. It's meant to be invested in. Of course, there is the disclaimer that not all families operate in this sort of healthy way and often do require separation. However in this most optimistic version, my heart seriously glows thinking of this beautifully intimate picture. How wild is it that we have the capability to even bring to life this deep bond (whether it be through marriage or having kids)? I will be forever grateful to remember this model and importance.

2. Saying no is healthy. Maybe I should disclaimer this with *sometimes healthy, because I do believe you can say no too much. But for someone like me who naturally drifts far away from this concept, it's simply healthy. I never really understood why saying no mattered. I often felt like saying no was a weakness – it revealed a lack of ability, a reflection of my own deficiencies. To people, I felt like saying no was a sure-fire way to lose relationships – it was letting someone down, not providing the value I am "meant" to provide them, it was not living up to my purpose. But underneath these twisted feelings are even more dangerous ones – pride, co-dependency, and a misplaced identity. They have so often inhibited my satisfaction, covered up my actual emotions, and created in me a robot who merely executes. But I've learned that saying no actually makes the times you do say yes all the more meaningful. Saying no is a way of prioritizing your own life (whether it be social, emotional, mental, spiritual) as you are meant to. For me, saying no has become a simple word of freedom. It's been freedom from resting my identity in the submission to the requests of others, it's been freedom from the arbitrary concept of what I "ought to do". I've learned to also not take it personally! Saying no has never been saying the same thing as saying "I hate you". It's never been the same thing as telling someone "you're worthless to me" and therefore, "worthless to the world". In the same way, just disagreeing with someone doesn't all of a sudden make their care go away. Saying no and care can DO co-exist, even just within the self. This will be something I will always be improving in, but the weight that has been lifted (and self-love I feel) in applying these concepts is extraordinary. side note: this was one of my six 2020 resolutions!! i'm encouraged that progress in this aspect of my life is underway.

3. Care looks different for different people. When I write this out, I nearly feel embarrassed by it's simplicity. I've always been one to look at the underlying heart. To me, the intention and motivation is 1000x more interesting than the action in which it manifests itself. I've always thought that care although on the outside looks different, on the inside is the same. People want to feel purpose, they want to feel actually cared for and seen, they want to make meaning of either themselves or the world around them. And while I'm still convinced those things aren't not true, I have come to understand it's so much more complex than that. Maybe being around people who are similar, from similar backgrounds with similar mindsets has not helped me in learning this. But most notably, my pride has been the barrier. I always think there's something behind something, or that someone is actually wanting something when they say the other thing, and that I know best. I'm seriously so annoyed at myself for thinking this way!! But all of these things have reminded me that people are actually different, and differences are OK. Perhaps it just took experiencing things differently to be humbled. This scar might just be the longest of them all, it's maybe my saddest scar too. So often I have dug and found that there were things behind what someone said or moments where that same digging led to someone actually feeling cared for or celebrated. But I also remember that that's not my job. That's not on me to have to go looking for those, sometimes because I'm simply wrong. Care really does look different for each person. This deep scar reminds me to live each day in complete honesty with myself and others, it reminds me to respect others by accepting what they say. I am really humbled and grateful for the ways that we gain new perspectives from our opposites.

4. You should always hope. The world is a dark place. We have dark thoughts, we lean into the darkness which covers and we hide from the light which exposes. We each learn to acknowledge our own shortcomings but somehow, someway we still manage to have hope. This point is less of a learning than it is a reminder that I’ve learned – does that make sense? I am encouraged by the way hope exists even in dark places. I am comforted by knowing despair will not fully come. No matter the circumstance or outcome, no matter the feeling of being stuck, you should always get up and try again, even if in small ways. This scar brings me the most comfort because it's a reminder that you'll never be fully lost. (ha! try to interpret that ambiguous paragraph junk)

5. Plans aren't everything. A simple learning but one that took me a long time to understand, let alone live into. I've made significant progress in this regard so I'll keep it short. I used to think that plans were the way to ensure something turned out well – otherwise, you might run into inefficiencies and limitations you could have easily avoided. Similar to the concept of saying no, while you shouldn't avoid plans like the plague, plans really aren't everything. They don't ensure that you maximize everyone's happiness or the outcome, they don't guarantee that things will go smoothly. Actively being reminded of this has been a comfort and encouragement to me. Witnessing the giving of time freely without agenda reminds me that the time given is what's important, not the activity that fills it. As I have embraced this concept, I have found freedom and capacity. To not have plans but instead cherish the spontaneity of moments has relieved both the burden of planning on myself and led to so much richer experiences and interactions than I could have planned. In tandem with "saying no", it has also made realize that my capacity to commit is much less when I actually take care of myself. I can't make nearly as many plans as I used to be able to - either because I get too tired or because I simply don't want to. But the thing is, when I do make plans then again it's all the more something to look forward to and all the more present I get to be. --

I sit in these reflections with gratitude. I acknowledge my own growth & continuing need for it. With a settling in my heart, a breath of release and hope for the future, I embrace these scars.

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great is your faithfulness

the weight of 1,000 stones and somehow I’m still breathing the precision of the pestle and somehow wine still pours out

this is my life received from life given and without it, I’d rather die

for what a joke the world plays at every turn, I find that wretched snake it’s in the pride of one’s country, the love of one’s family it’s in the joy of being a savior, the pleasure from others

behind every corner of this land, I seem to find disappointment laced with the subtle pride of a finalist, and the allure of a posed photo and yet behind every corner of You, I seem to find love laced with the delicacy of a newly blossomed rose, and the might of the strongest storm

how confusingly beautiful you are, Lord who am I to hate the creation that even somehow its creator manages to love? how desperate I am for you, God for what else is there?

continue to meet me and I will remember, great is your faithfulness

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human words

It ain't Sunday, but I wore my "holy" pants today. I think you would have liked that.

Today, was a long time coming. Sometimes I wonder if it's better to know or not know; to grieve slowly or be surprised. But there weren't many other things that a 7am Monday morning call means. The last few years have been rough for you. You held on for so long – in some ways I believe not for yourself, but for the one you were leaving behind.

You were always the one with the most complicated backstory, I always knew I would never know it all. But even that didn't change your care for us. You were always patient when you wanted to be (I mean, who else could sit in the car waiting for 8 hours while grandma is at the mall!). You refused to be held back by age or physical limitation. Your stubbornness, while naturally frustrating at times, was marked by honor – a formality quickly fading these days. Shaking hands with each person you saw, getting dressed up, or standing up from your chair even if it was the most difficult thing you were going to do that day.  You always rallied, you always wanted to be there; even to the very end.

Underneath a tough veil you had soft spots, I'm confident of that. As we both grew older, me more mature and you knowing time was fleeting, you shared more. And even if it wasn't everything, I know there was so much of a life you had to reflect on. So many experiences, buried and weathered with time. Did you feel cared for? Did you ever feel misunderstood?

I will miss worrying about you standing up, I will miss hearing the affectionate bickering between you and grandma, I will miss your jokes. I will miss knowing that you're there – your presence, even if quiet. I will miss seeing the freezer stocked with ice cream for you to eat at breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

The more I think about death, the more fear naturally creeps in. How can I live each day so callously if there really is heaven and hell? How can I be so selfish as to not "bother" my friends with that reality? How can I possibly imagine losing people I don't expect to lose?

But today, I was also reminded that God works in mysterious ways and I guarantee the grace provided to us is so much more than we realize.

Where God tears great gaps we should not try to fill them with human words. They should remain open. Our only comfort is the God of the resurrection, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who also was and is his God. - Bonhoeffer

I hope you were proud of the life you lived, it sure was a long one. What privilege I had to know you for so long. What joy I had to be thought of by you for so long. You were my grandpa, tried and true – never second place. 

We will take care of Grandma and the life you left behind. And as you reach towards that mountain, may you rejoice as your feet become solid ground.

7.27.2020

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archeologist me

i observe myself, wandering this w i d e earth traveling far, savoring the sun, smiling in the sandstorm but i'm like the world's least successful archeologist you see. i keep digging and digging so much digging only to always find myself where i was before i wonder when i will realize, i keep hitting the core. repeat

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There’s too many poems on this account for my liking, they’re too cryptic. But yet, I can’t seem to find the words I want to say. 

I've always wondered what the purpose of writing down my thoughts is – who cares? why does it matter? will I ever even see them again? But in what feels like just a really rough few weeks and in a season where I’m having difficulty trusting my own “gut”, I can’t help but be surprised at how much I have already been aware of. I wrote this in the Fall of 2019 – over nine months ago. The question is, what do you I do with awareness?

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If this is what going crazy feels like, then god bless the crazy people

me

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Wrote this a while back and have come to believe that love is not a single thing, nor is it any of these. Instead, I find it only through the lens of an intentional Creator. That said, the conflict still rings true in my head at times. What is love?

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The conflict of love

Is it my heart jumping when I see you or is it the steadfast weight of time?

Is it when you’re always on my mind or when you already know what’s inside?

When I’m thinking of you thinking of me, it’s the strangest feeling in the sweetest sort of way

When I remember the times you’ve stood by me, it’s the strangest feeling in the sweetest sort of way

Does the chase bring desire or does the desire bring the chase?

Is it rational or is it felt?

Does it challenge and inspire, or does it support and stand steady?

Is it supposed to be easy?

When I dream of a future, is it surprised or is it planned? When you think of what’s next, am I your best hand?

Does it look beyond today? Does it sacrifice for tomorrow through the confidence of yesterday?

Is it beautifully unglamorous or is it about living out our youth?

Does it hide from rejoicing or live in light of the truth?

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Love me some black & white

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such a moment is this

Writing “poems” makes me realize how difficult English class was — can we ever discern the heart of the writer? Without context, hardly.

What does it say about the state of the heart

When I choose to dwell on the loudness of silence

Than the steadiness of compassion

What does it say about the state of the heart

When I choose to go wayward on a gamble

Than the logic of truth

What does it say about the state of the heart

When I choose to rest in despair

Than the identity I find beyond the self

There are moments when it will count

And there are moments that will pass

Sometimes I wonder who I want there

And sometimes I wonder who will be there