Iām drowning in you.
You consume me.
You make me unable to breathe
But you pulled me up from the ocean and swam with me
Youāve fallin into my world and gave me you
You are the fresh air that fills my lungs
Iām in this gray area
I canāt let go
I canāt hold on
Youāre pure red
You are a gypsy moving from place to place
But you keep my picture in your wallet when you need a friendly face
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Youāre the one person I didnāt want to lose... my heart is broken but Iām not angry, Iām not mad, this isnāt the hurt that I have to hurt you back...I never want that.You were my bestfriend and Iād do anything for you, but I think you hate me and that hurts a lot but I donāt think you even have any love left for me so maybe I should stop being so stupid and trying to hold on because we both know Iāve never been good enough for anyone to stick around
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And just like that you replaced me but I guess this is the season to let dead things go..
Guess I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved
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Feeling your best friend push you away and shut you out sucks but when youāve taken so many hits the last few months.. itās just another Friday night right..
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JK.
Itās crazy the way someone can mean nothing to you and then suddenly they mean so much they have the power to hurt your pretty little heart
I shouldāve left you in my dmās,on my snap, I shouldāve never let you take me to a place where itās dark,
I remember you trying to hit on me and I wasnāt interested in the slightest
Now Iām the one layin on my bed for hours cryin,
I had to force myself to give you a chance
Now Iām the one left with no plans
You took me out and took me home
And I contemplated if I wanted to leave you alone
I made you wait for awhile because I wanted to see
Wanted to see if you were really about me
You were kind and sweet, and even took me out to eat
I finally let myself just be and gave you the treat
The very next day
you decided to end it and leave like a stray
I was cool and I cried
But I chose to keep the friendship alive
You made another move because youāre smooth like that
And I gave you another chance cause I wanted that kind gentleman back
You told me you just wanted to be friends and made it my idea somehow with the rest
It was like you were making me study for an un passable test
Fast forward and itās been 5 months and I keep thinking youāll see how great I am
And then I came to the realization youāre just a boy,not a man
Not because you didnāt want me but because you lead me on and told me how much you cared
When in reality, when we fought you put it out that it was never really there
Youāve already moved on to some other girl
And thatās fine
I guess I thought youād miss me in this big world
But it was all a lie
I hate you and I regret it all
If I could take it back, I wouldnāt of let me fall
Youāre the only person Iāve ever wished Iād never met
And I never even loved you so how am I such a wreck?
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And I promise it has more to do with me than it does you
You see, i canāt let anyone really see through
Most people see sunshine and sensitive and a caring heart
They donāt see the darkness, the angry and the crying until I fall apart
I people please
and make you believe
That Iām falling for your soul
But that isnāt what keeps my hold
I just donāt want to be alone
When Iām alone with my thoughts and my demons they eat me alive
I feel safe when youāre holding me all through the night
You see it really isnāt about you at all
Even if it seems like Iām gonna fall
It has more to do with me trying to drown out the things I need to face
Cause Iād rather deal with your issues than the ones Iāve made
So forgive me for questioning you and forgive me for not wanting you to leave
But Iāll cling to anything that makes me feel like I can breathe
So donāt say sorry or try to be nice about this thing ending
If you need to leave then go because a part of me has been pretending
And not to hurt you in any kind of way
I just need an excuse to make my issues go a stray
Just for a little while because Iāll be distracted by who you are
But it never seems to get me very far
I know I need to face the things Iāve buried deep in my soul
So if you have to go..then go
You see I just want to be loved so hard that everything else inside me stops hurting forever
But I choose broken people so they can choose to leave me when they get better
Because then I know Iām not broken if I can fix their heart
I always thinks thatās how my healing will start
It never works so maybe I donāt know what to do
But I guess as sad as I am I want to see the happiness in you
I need to be alone and I need to heal
So itās okay for you to say goodbye because this time I think the growth can be real
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You are a bee drawn to a flower
Making honey like you do
And I am the bee keeper with all the power
Taking you for all your use
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Something doesnāt go my way:
Me: that wouldnāt have happened if I was skinnier, I should starve myself
Also me: I feel like shit because something didnāt go my way and Iām not skinny enough, so Iām going to eat an entire pack of cookies in one sitting
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I donāt know if you still look at my tumblr like you used to
but I miss you
I miss every thing about you
And maybe you miss me too
I donāt know,I donāt know
We just let it all go
But sometimes I close my eyes and I see you
I see all the moments we been through
You said you refused to let me go,remember that?
And then you started walking away,turned your back
You knew how much you meant to me
Maybe thatās why you had to leave
Cause I did,I fell for you and I wanted to be with you
And I know that was a fairytale through and through
But you knew me,you knew I was gonna fall,
You knew and you still called
All those nights you played dumb like you had no clue
And then you went back to someone whoās always made you feel used
When you told me the day she texted your phone
I felt my heart and it wasnāt broke
But it was hurt,because I already had feelings for this
And you threw me out like I was nothing but a small fix
A fix for your lonliness,a fix for your ego,
And then you let go..
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āJust because something is beautiful doesnāt mean itās good.ā
ā Alex Flinn, Beastly
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Okay take it back that was the last time
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And that is the last time you will hurt me
That is the last time you will break my heart
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āI cannot make anyone understand what is happening inside me.ā
ā Franz KafkaĀ
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Sometimes I just lay here and wonder what the hell is wrong with me..
And I guess thatās most times
Most days and most hours
Iām disgusted and repulsed at my reflection
At my body and my face
And it isnāt just about being skinny
Itās about I want a smaller nose and bigger lips
Perfect legs and smaller hands
I donāt think Iāll ever be comfortable in my skin
And then thereās my stupid laugh and my anxiety and the way I believe everyone who is mean
The way I get stuck on something for months and I canāt let it go
So I just lay here and wonder what the hell is wrong with me
The way most days I want to live but not exist
The way I want someone to see me but I donāt want them to notice me
The war that wages in my mind and in my heart are two separate wars and neither of them I can win
The way I know someone is using me but it feels nice to be wanted for some moments
The way I fell for a girl who pretended to care
Actually two but that makes me sound worse
And I just lay here wondering why Iām never good enough
I donāt think Iāll ever be happy
I think Iāll die sad
And I donāt think anyone I love will ever understand how much my heart hurts every moment of every day
Theyāll never get how hard it is to breathe so I can stay
But if theyāre happy then maybe itāll be okay
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I already lost you
I lost you the moment you knew
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āJust because I let you go doesnāt mean I wanted to.ā
ā (via emptystic)
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āYou have a place in my heart no one else ever could have.ā
ā F. Scott Fitzgerald // The Ice Palace
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