a-n-n-04-blog

[a-n-n-04-blog]

Bigger update than yesterday

That's it. I nailed the coffin. Probably the 4th coffin of my love life. Why does it hurt, every fucking single time?

It hurt so much the first time with Michael, that I cried every single day for the next 2 years.

The second time with GS, I think I may have broken up with him 3 times. For 3 years together. It hurts the least, mostly because I loved him the least.

Then, last year was with Zac. It wasn't painful the way I felt with Michael. But it sting so badly, that I still bleed a bit until this day. I look back and wonder if I ever made the mistake of letting him go.

Today, I broke up with Jason. Okay we didn't even date to say the word break up. But on some mental level, I think we are getting there. I think? Yea the whole thing was a big messy bubble of what if. I am tired mentally.

So I put the nail on our relationship, dig a hole and buried my love for Jason.

But I am thinking to get a dog and called him Chia. Jason Chia.

[a-n-n-04-blog]

Big update for Jason

I just read my last post and wow things has changed drastically.

I don't know if Jason is a good person or not anymore. I don't even know if he thinks of me as a potential partner. I can't read him, and it dawn on me that this is how I used to feel with Michael. I should have learnt this lesson by heart. Confusion is a straight answer.

He is not that into me.

I fell in love so quick. I let my imaginal takes control and drives myself on a highway with no safe exit. I even think of having kids with him. That is pretty crazy.

Anyway, we went out a few weeks ago for blood donation. The date was cute and such, but I definitely feel a bit off in our conversation. He focused a lot in his own world and sometimes I feel neglected. I never think I will see this side of him - he is somewhat quite selfish. Or because of his autism?

Speaking of autism, he even has more friends than I do, so I need to stop thinking that about him. Frankly, I am probably the one on the spectrum.

Back to our date, I had this 20/20 vision when I was driving him home and he was on and on about how he couldn't finish his donation. I wish him just to shut up. And I thought I was lucky that we were not dating, because I didn't want to deal with this on a daily basis. Alright, I need to keep pinning this moment in my head now, because this the truth - the reality that Jason and I are not compatible.

To think again, why would I like him? He loves plant. He is handy. He has a house on a street that I dreamed to have my own on. He seems like a financially smart guy. He is very mature.

Now, the reason that we won't work this out. First and foremost, he is not ready. This could easily be the only I need to use to stop this nonsense fantasy. He really is not in the mind to love anyone. It is not. me problem, this is his. And again, like Michael, he makes this very clear to me, in numerous occasion. I was just to dense and delusional to see through it. Also, he is not that funny. Like our mind are not connected in a humour wavelength. I would be miserable later on, knowing myself can joke in every inappropriate occasion. And to be honest, he is too frugal. Dating him, marrying him, having his kids, everything will revolve around money. I really can't do that to myself. I will be suffering and I will make him suffer too if he knows about my spending habit.

So far, the reason I shouldn't has already tripled the reason I should. Logically, I shouldn't love in the first place. For some reason, I thought this is the one that my ancestor has chosen for me. I think that is why I was hesitant to open up to Jason. I am also confused about my feeling. I know deep down that I don't love him for who he is.

I think it is time I let this ship go. The more I write the more I realise how ridiculous it is for me to fall in love with this man.

Well, I have to do a trip with him maybe next week and I am already feel dreadful. I wish we can just stop talking to each other. And again, if I can cut off Michael out of my life, I can cut off everything.

[a-n-n-04-blog]

Jason

Can't believe that just 2 weeks after I decide to enjoy my solitude and embrace my singleness, I have a crush again.

It has been a while I guess, since the last time I fall in love. Did I love Zac? I don't know, actually. It happened so fast and ended abruptly that I didn't have the chance to register my feeling.

So, Jason is a long time friend. I met him 2 year after GS. I didn't feel much about him back then. I think I consider him more as a younger brother.

There is this weird thing about Jason, that he messages me a lot. Sometimes just random topic, sometimes very unnecessary business. I found it annoying sometimes.

Then we met up last weekend. I don't know what happen, but something changes. The way to touch me makes my heart trembling a bit. I mean he still talk about odd things, but this time I find it endearing. I know I am screwed.

Funny enough, this is the first time i encounter this kind of love. I always love a stranger. I put myself in such an uncomfortable position, telling myself I should trust this dude even though we only meet once or twice. With Jason, because we have been friends for years, I have trust in him and I know for sure he is a decent person. So from the start, it feels much easier.

But how can we progress from friendship to love partnership? More important, does Jason feel the same?

[a-n-n-04-blog]

Eulogy

A lot of things happened...

So I just got back from Japan. 15 days. Geez, I couldn't believe I am saying this, but I am not a traveller. Growing up and on every conversation with new stranger, I always say I love traveling. I don't think that is true, at least anymore. Don't get me wrong, I still love discover new culture, visit the pyramids and see all sort of stuffs anyone should see before they die, but, not as my top priority list.

Which put me into a dilemma.

What am I doing with my life now, when the thing I thought I should do in my 20s, is not the thing i actually want to do.

I have achieved everything I want. I got an Australian passport, get a house and secure a decent job that I love. Now, as nature should take its course, I get married, have kids and raise a family that will take another 20 years of my life.

But I still haven't found a man to do that. So the plan of having 4 kids is getting narrower by the year. With PCOS, I don't think I stand much chance after I pass 30.

When I was in Japan, I think about Zac a lot. I realise he has so many in common that we may actually be able to make it work. If it is not because of the weird cult he was brought up with along with his absolutely unlovable mom, maybe.

I also think about GS and how if I put up with the things I hate about him, we could have got married by now. At least engaged. I think we won't have a rocky relationship, but I won't love him as much. To think again, not many couple I know love each other until the day they die. At one point, they are just becoming housemate, like me and GS.

And yes, of course Michael. Of how I suddenly saw his name once on my Facebook friend suggestion. He was with a very pretty girl. And then his name disappeared and I couldn't even search his name. I guess he blocked me. I have been praying for 7 years, almost every single week, for a sign. I guess that is the sign. That he moved on, lived happily, and doesn't want to do anything with me. Everyday, I have to use so much strength to remind myself that. That God has finally listened to my prayer and respond by a cold harsh truth. I just have to look into it. Like using my bare eyes to look directly at the sun. It will burn, but it has to be. I have to let go.

Now back to my future which I have no ideas what to do now. I have been juggling with ideas to apply for med. After all, it sounds somewhat impulsive. I quitted medicine once. And now I want to do it again? I have seen so many doctors telling me not to do medicine. Yet, I have this urge to do something memorable. Something so challenging yet leave a legacy for life. What else but become a doctor?

I also think to adopt a dog. Now this is less far fetch than being a doctor, considering that I have a house and I can raise whatever I want here. A dog may help with my aloneness. I am just worried I can't take good care of it. What if i need to travel and it will get lonely? But now I know I don't like travel that much, I guess there are not much problems.

I am getting more open to live alone. No guys, no date, no romance. I think I will get sad once in a while, but overall I have grown so much for the last 2 years since GS and Zac. I want to grow more. I want to see how much more I can be and capable of. I am afraid a boyfriend will stop me from achieving what I suppose to achieve.

I don't know. Those are just thoughts and nothing into places.

But one thing I want to keep remind myself, Aspect is good and maybe the best workplace I can find, I shouldn't and will not set it as my priority. It is just a job and I won't let it defy my 20s.

[a-n-n-04-blog]

Dates

Whenever I am going on a date, I think about you constantly. No matter how anxious I feel, I think about our dates and the butterflies in my stomach and how they died the day you left. I can't be as anxious as those times. And I wonder if you text me, I will cancel my dates and run back to your arms.

I think about you because you are my safe heaven. Because amidst sadness and anger and bitterness and frustration, our memories are also sweetest.

No matter who I meet, I have to compare with you. And no one is better than you. The moment I caught myself thinking that, I know I am doomed. I can't go on dating that person anymore. Because instead of looking at them, I look at a version of you through their eyes.

I am hopeless.

[a-n-n-04-blog]

When life gives you tangerine

It has been so long since the last time I bawl my eyes out for a movie.

This movie reminds me how love can be. I thought love is hard, is bitter, is hurtful and love will betray you.

But love can also be sweet, and magical and stays with you until you pass away.

It light up my fantasy about love when I was young. I thought I could never find anyone like that, so I give up, grow out of it and choose to be alone.

I still choose to be alone, but now I don't mind try a bit harder to find someone that is willing to love me the say I love them. Unconditional. I will burn myself for love. And I hope someone will do the same for me.

I hope love find me and we get to spend as much time together. Until then, I will keep trying.

[a-n-n-04-blog]

Those kisses

The worst part of memories is that they don't come at the same time. The worst part is, when you are buying oranges in the supermarket, looking at the fruits and vegetable and wondering which one tastes better, you suddenly think about that one time he kissed you on the forehead. Then, it stops. Everything stops. People stop moving and time stays still. You find yourself stranded in the supermarket with a million flashback of tiny pieces of him, and you, and when you two were together. You stop breathing, hoping this madness will stop and you can resume your daily life. But no, you know damn well that your day is done. You have to go home and cry, because you miss him and nothing can make you stop sobbing about him.

And you start to wonder if those kisses were meant anything for him, especially the forehead ones. You read somewhere that narcissist use it to bait their prey, making them falling in love with them and then they can hold the weak in their neck. Yes, you can break my neck if you want. You win.

I also kissed you too. I wonder if you remember how my lips taste. How naive and clumsy I was. I don't think it is that mesmerizing. I truly think I am so ordinary that you have moved on long ago and whoever with you is so much better than I am.

This reminds me of the time I saw you on my Facebook. After so many years, you just popped up. I have searched your name on Facebook so many times, and literally clicking on every profile. One day, I saw this name that is the same as my initial. TN. I thought it couldn't be, especially that there is no avatar and not much details about the person. Then I remember how I found out, at the same time but different city and town, we were both living on the same street name - Buchan street. Maybe this is another coincidence? And yes, it was you. TN is you. So turn out your name is not just Michael. You have a Vietnamese name. I am happy that I learn something new about you, but as well sad that you never told me. I heard somewhere that a person has 3 names. A name that people call them. A name that their loved one call them. And a name that corresponding to their life, such important that anyone know can take their life away. Yet you will give that to whoever you love the most, because to love is to be willing to die in front of the person you love. I will give you all three. And you just gave me one.

You can kill me a million times and I still calling out that one name I know.

[a-n-n-04-blog]

I chose solitude

Sometimes I think I was born and destined to be alone.

I chose to walk away from people and cut contact.

And I loved Michael since the first moment and from then my heart is only longing for hime till the day it stops beating. I couldn't love anyone else. And he couldn't love me. So here I am, all by myself.

I know I shouldn't talk about him, but this tumblr is dedicated to him so every time I come here is for the same purpose. I miss him.

When Covid hit, I think about him constantly. I wonder if he is alright with his asthma? I wonder if he is doing placement and being a frontline worker? I wonder if he, I don't know, die? The thought of him gone forever makes me choke. And I keep wondering some other alternatives. Like he is having a girlfriend and she is taking well care of him. I would choose that reality than not having him in this world. I hope he stays safe and happy. That's all.

Now we are facing with a cyclone and I keep wondering again. I hope he is sheltered and has enough to go through for the next few days. I hope work is not too hard on him. I hope his girlfriend is still looking after him. I think I have get used to love him from very far, that it never cross my mind to wish to be with him and be that girlfriend. I have given up that hope long time ago. I have accepted that we will never be a thing and for this lifetime, we have crossed our path and go separate way. But I am still worried about him. That's all.

Sitting in my house waiting for the storm to come, I realise I have no one by side to fight this horrible weather. I don't feel lonely much time, but for this very moment it dawn on me that I am all alone and it is quite scary. And I yearn for another human interaction, a handheld through the darkness and a tight hug through a rainy night. I think about my past partners and I wish they were here, anyone of them will be fine. But I didn't wish Michael would be here, because in the back of my mind he is always my sun, not my anchor. He makes me trembling, but not safe and secured.

I hope the storm will pass soon.

[a-n-n-04-blog]

New Zealand

The first day was actually good. The meditating part at the geothermal water was absolutely terefic. I had chance to refect on last year and of course thinking about how I always fail in relationship. And at one point I specifically remember, I said to myself "It is because of Michael and how I was loyally devoted to him, through 7 fucking years!". I can't love anyone else, or even give people a chance, because the moment things get hard, I retrive back to my safe haven, a.k.e my unrealistic future with Michael. Of how easy it is, how lovable we become, how perfect the love would be. So the first day end with my last thought about Michael. 

Second day, omg, is the worst day of for so long I could remember the last time I was this devastated. I missed the ferry, missed out on the island overnight stay that I always dream about. Money went down the drain. I tried so many ways to save the situation. Even talked to a stranger! None of those worked. What gone is gone. 

The other half I went to the museum which my halfly concentrated because I was stil kicking myself so hard. Then, the turning point was the one tree hill. Also one particular moment as I was looking at the grass, the tree, the sheep, and just the magnificent view of the place, I had this thought "what if Michael is like that island trip that I missed?". Yes, what if once I missed Michael, that's it. There is no turning back, no fixing around, no better outcome. It simply as it is. We had a good time. Then the moment I was supposed to tell him I loved him and I would do whatever it takes to be with him, I didn't say that. I, on the other hand, chose myself and left. In other words, I missed him, as in, the chance I had with him. 

And if we ever meet again, or god forbids, be together, it wouldn't feel the same. Just like this Auckland trip, I supposed to be on the island on the second day, stay overnight and come back the next day. If I come back to Auckland just to do the island trip again, it wouldn't feel the same. It is just, the timing has passed. 

I understand now. That when people say to let go of someone you love, it doesn't mean I have to stop loving him and move on to someone else. It is merely to let go of the unrealistic future I keep creating in my head and accept that, he is gone. 

If this is what this trip about, healing myself and help me let go of your first love ghost, it is totally worth it. Tasmania couldn't help. Darwin couldn't help. Adelaide couldn't help. For the last 7 years, everywhere I went, I can't help but falling deeper and deeper i to my missing towards Michael. I thought I had to die alone, to be free of all these emotional baggages. 

If this trip was meant to be, that the fact that I overslept and missed the ferry, that someone above, some spirit, just oversee how pathetic I am and decide to shed a light towards my healing process. Thank you. 

[a-n-n-04-blog]

Red scarf

I have this 100% cashmere Italian scarf. Well, used to have. One day, as I was going through my winter clothes, I realise I lost it. The sad thing is, I have moved so many different places, cities and jobs, that I don't know which part I have left it behind. Have i donated it? Have I given it to someone? I am so angry at myself, because it was one of my favourite thing in the world.

It was the only red thing that I like. I feel like Red Riding Hood, and yes, you are the wolf. I don't know if the reason I reminisce it so much is because it was there in Coorparoo, when you visited me, when we made love, when you called me your lady, when I loved you the most. It witnessed everything, and when you were gone, it was gone with you. Then I suddenly think, is it possible that I forgot it at your place? That after all these years, you are holding on a piece of mine, and also reminisce the time we were together like I do.

Or, you tossed it away? Like the x-ray I took of your wrist? Like the USB I gave you? Like our nearly-relationship?

But, If you have it, why don't you call? Why don't you try to give it back to me? You have all the reasons to message me out of the blue and help us rekindle.

Yes, Michael, why don't you call? I have been waiting your that message so long, that it becomes a habit for me to check my phone and hoping it is you. Can you please at least give me back my scarf?

[a-n-n-04-blog]

The 5 years slip

I am reading this romance book about this magic room that it could let you go back to the past and meet your loved one. I immediately think about Coorparoo and you, and how much I would trade for to walk pass that door and see you again.

I cannot imagine you will wait for me in that room, merely because I was the one who waited for you almost every single time while we dated. But for the sake of imaginary, I really want to see you cooking in the kitchen, the smell of steak running to my nose, you look up and smile. "Welcome home", you say. And I drop down whatever I have in my hands, running to you and hug you from behind. I will try to hide my tears, because I don't want you to see me crying. I look ugly when I cry. I have so much to tell you, but the words stuck in my throat, and all I could do is take a big breath in and try to inhale as much of your smell as possible. When we part way, a little bit of you wash away as the day goes by. First is your voice, then you body, your face, and alas, eventually your smell. That was year 3 after the break up, one day I wake up and I realise I can't remember anything about you.

So after taking in as much of your smell as possible, I will turn you around and look into your eyes. Your very brown honey eyes I could die in those any days of my life. I envy the one that can look into those eyes every day. And I guess, it was the right moment to say I miss you, I love you and I can't wait to try your steak.

The book I am reading is not the best one, but it does make me wonder what kind of person you have become. Surely the Michael I met in the room is the charming and young 22 year old medical student who is so brave but also so scared of what the future holds. So smart that he can outwit me but still emotionally immature and very much uncommitted. The Michael I feel in love and still is.

I am very sure you change so much, so as I. That is why the idea of meeting you now doesn't excite me as much as opening a door to the past to see your younger self. How lonely it is to love someone, not just from afar, but also from the future, where we could never meet, never be together.

[a-n-n-04-blog]

The day after bad day

It doesn't get much better, but at least I can breathe today. I think someone above is looking after me, because they know I will wailing on the floor and have to pick up all the broken piece on my own, so they send Rocky away. So I have the whole house for that to happen. And it kicks me.

This is the first time I have my comfort zone. For so long, it was always share house. I always have to look at other people face to live and behave. I become a people pleaser.

Finally, I can it in my own chair, in my own house and cry. With sound. I can express my deepest sorrow without making sure no one knows. So I appreciate that.

Today, I think more about the meaning of my life. At 27, I have everything I have always wanted. Now what? Mom said get married, have kids, build my family. But, how can I raise my kids, without knowing much about life? How can I tell my kids to live, if I am the one who wants to talk to death and think about the other side. Any guy, even Michael, will be scared away by my monster. Who will accept that hideous monster anyway?

I think about my career and how much I don't want it to define me. So how do I describe myself? I am no longer an international. I am not my parent's daughter. I am Anh. I am stuck with a debt over my head that I can't just run away and find my true self like any main character in a fictional movie.

I am lost. I don't know what I want anymore. I am tired.

[a-n-n-04-blog]

Bad day

I got a complaint at work. Honestly, I know this day will come, sooner or later. I am not a good radiographer. I don't have that perfect Australian accent. I am not an interesting person. I shouldn't try this hard. It doesn't matter in the end anyway.

But I cry a lot today, to the point where I felt empty and hollow afterwards. Like my soul left my body and even the heart stop beating for goods. And I just say the word that can comfort me the most. I say your name out loud. And I close my eyes reminiscing the good old time. Just today, let me relive my happy time, to sooth my monster, it has been growling and asking to kill me.

About how we met, you came back the second day to ask for my phone number.

About our first rock climbing.

About our first movie in Southbank.

About our first hug.

About our trip to Inala.

About our first kiss.

About our first hike.

About Coorparoo.

About our late night walking in my uni campus.

About our late night walking in your uni campus.

About the art gallery at your place.

About the strawberry field and our star gazing.

About your forehead kiss.

About your piggyback.

About the time I cook you oatmilk.

About the time we cuddle in bed together and watch the notebook.

About every time we cuddle in bed together.

About the morning when I wake up and the first thing I see is your face.

About your honey brown eye.

About your smile.

About our slow dancing that night in my tiny share house.

If everything was fake, why did it feel so real?

Today is so difficult. I just want to lie next you. I think that would make my day so much better.

[a-n-n-04-blog]

Hm

I watched a Jap movie today. Basically, the plot is very straight forwards. The girl is so in love with the guy, she would do anything for him. She give up herself, her dignity, her self respect, just for him to look back at her and smile. Yet, he never loves her. And she knows that. And keeps going on.

It hits hard, because I was like that. There are so many memories I hold onto every day that remind me how special what he and I have. The lovey dovey part. The part where he makes me feel like he loves me and cares about me. Yet, there are some selective part that I push into the corner of my mind and hope no one would find out, including myself.

I remember finishing a class at uni around 6pm when I received his message. He couldn't see me today. I was so excited that I wore my good clothes and made sure I looked somewhat cute. If you know me and how unbothering I am about my appearance, I was surely put into effort that day. He did it again, flaky with his dates and never keeps his promise. I looked so sad and devastating even Jaime asked if I was alright. I felt like I could cry. But no, I can save this. So I offered to buy food and went to his house. So I dropped by a ramen shop, get a take away noodle, went to his house and waited outside for half and hour. He made me wait that long. And I waited like a lost puppy. I was so insecure that I am afraid without doing that, he would never love me. And of course, we had sex. He told me stop being a star fish. I curved into a ball and he asked why I was always in a fetus position. It was all over the place. The whole situation. His disrespect for me. My love for him. Everything was like scattering on the floors and none of us would pick up any pieces to mend the broken relationship.

I remember he drove me home. I cried so hard that night I think I would die, knowing that I had to end this. I texted him the next morning, blocked him and went out and about with my day. I said something along the line of he needed to prioritise me, and I don't want to waste our time if we couldn't. I was 21. I really don't know how I feel and what I want back then. If I could come back in time and change that moment, I probably will give him a call and tell him how much I love him. And my feeling for him is too much that I think we were not mature enough to handle it. And he needed to let me go so that I can love someone else after him. Oh gods, I wish I could have done that, so at least after him I am not incapable of love.

Then he is off to Sydney. Then I am off to Bundaberg. Then the next time we meet, we act as if there are no pain. And I ended it again, by telling him I don't want to do this without a label. I don't regret that day and our conversation. I think I have said what I need. I need a break from him. I just didn't know stopping an addiction cold turkey will be detrimental that much to my mental health. I think I cry everyday, for the next 2 years. I start a drinking habit. And also my hooking up cycle. It went downhill from there, and it didn't go up until this year.

Yes, Michael, you broke me so badly that I could never move on from you. The older I get, the more I think about my love for you, and I wonder if it is the good memories or the bad ones that haunt me every night? Is my feeling so strong for you because it withstand all the bitterness, anger, despair and lost when we were together. You didn't hurt me physically, but half of the time we were together, I was so sad I couldn't let myself remember any of it. I wish you beat me, so that I could label our past as something toxic. I wish you said you didn't love me, so I can hang onto and move on. But none of that happen. We just drift away and 5 years since then I am still stuck.

I cried again today, because I remember the bad memories and it still hurts.

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Alone-ss

Lately, I am truly enjoying myself. I like eating alone, going to bed alone reading book until I fall asleep. I like the fact that there is no one in my space, I don't have to make way for anybody. I like having conversation in my head and seeing how grown up I have become.

Yet, there is some crack little moment I find myself looking at my phone hoping for a message, from anyone. But I know once I see any pop up SMS, I would ignore it for awhile before replying it. It is like, I am craving everyone attention, but also afraid of spending my time with them. Sound like a selfish prick isn' it? I use to think I need a boyfriend for that reason, but for all the boys I have met and dated before, I am truly traumatised. It is really not worth it to sacrifice my solitude and independence for someone' 2 second of affection. I think I always give too much and the more I give the less they return the favour. I lost myself in the relationship and they stop appreciating me. I can't do it anymore.

Apparently I am meeting the love of my life this month and he is not yet to show up. Some day I wonder. Some day I just give up. Some specific day, I look at the couples I know and wish I find a love like that. Why is it so easy for them?

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A few things I learn about myself lately

I am afraid of thunderstorm. Not the kind of fear when I see a worm or caterpillar or snake or any animal crawling on the floor. I don't have goosebump and I don't have the urge to run. I just feel, scared. I feel unease. I feel I am not strong enough to weather the storm. This is one of very few things I feel like I can't handle as a woman. I don't know if it is because now I having a house and I am more scared of the damage it may cause to my $550k equity. Or is it because I am old enough to think about the thunderstorm in a more, i guess, mature way?

I am healing my relationship with food. When I was young, I never associate myself with cooking. Yes I love a good meal but every Vietnamese like a good meal. Then I go overseas and have to learn how to cook. Then I date GS and I learn to cook for someone else. Then, one simple day, I start to enjoy cooking. Then, GS and I broke up. This is not the first time I live by myself, but this is the first time I am living under my roof, having my life sorted out with no fear of being homeless, jobless or deported. I start to go to farmer market, learn new recipe, try different cuisine. I pay more for grocery and just cook, almost every day. I was eating the other day and suddenly I was thinking "gods, I love my food". It was not just I loved cooking, I also enjoyed eating. Like the kind of enjoyment when you close your eyes and you see firework and rainbow and you hear song when you taste something. Again, is it because I am getting older?

I don't think I will ever go by a post without mentioning Michael. I never tell anyone this and I will never ever spill this out to a living soul, but I whenever I masturbate and climax, I have a good 5 seconds, just 5 seconds, of everything. Of missing Micheal, remembering how good the sex was, then how devastating when we parted ways. Of the time when I was living in Coorparoo, he came to visited me and he was looking for the correct house, so he called me and I opened my window to look for him, and we saw each other. Do you know in the movies or books when the character meet the love of her life and time stops and she feels like nothing matters anymore. It was how I feel, but I didn't realise that. I was so naive and pure that I didn't know this feeling wasn't easy to happen in life. Sometimes, it never comes. Sometimes, as in my case, it only came once when I was 21, in that Coorparoo house, in that winter night, looking at him, and I said " You found me".

[a-n-n-04-blog]

To GS

I realized I have never writen anything for you even I dated you the longest. 3 years of my most beautiful 20s spent with you. Did I regret? Somewhat yes.

When I first met you, and the same as all the guy I slept with after that, I felt ... nothing. And then I felt horny. And then I cried when we had sex. And I spent most of the time dating you telling myself that I am getting over Michael and you are so much better than him. It was so wrong, since the beginning. I don't know how we can drag it on so long, with me knowing that I would never love you the way I love Michael, yet I cooked for you, shopped with you, traveled together and I held your hand throughout your dentistry journey. You are like, I guess, a project that I just want to finish and move on.

But did I love you, even just one bit? I guess, yes?

You see, GS. With Michael, I was so sure from the beginning, that I loved him and I wanted to spent my entire life with him. Even until the end, I was very sure I needed to break up with him and chose myself over the love of my life. Even I have to spent the rest of my life regretting that decision, I am still sure that I made the right choice. But with you, circumstances this and that, I stayed and stayed and stayed. Looking back, I should have got out way way way earlier. I was scared of being alone and you was my only best friend. You know me so well that you can read my face and you can tell by my gesture. You remember all the name of the people I know. You ask me how my day is, every single day. I was so lonely that I couldn't let go of that so-call-home. You are, my home.

I don't think you love me that much either. And I am bitter that you don't realize how much sacrifice I made for you. I make sure to let you know about the thing I do for you, but there is one thing I never tell you and I will bring it down my grave with me - I really try to love you. I give up Michael and I tell myself to give you a million chances. You don't know how big that is, for me to stop loving someone so dear to my heart so that I could start something with you. Unfortunately I lost my patience after 3 years and I didn't realize how much I love Michael. I didn't know much about love, after all.

That you could never forget your first love and you just love them forvever.

That you couldn't force yourself to love someone. If it didn't sprout, then it would never grow, flower and fruit.

That being alone is fine. That is actually more fine than staying with someone for so long and lost all the time you could have enjoyed better with yourself.

And the most important part, no one will appreciate the thing you do for love, if they don't love you, they don't see it.

I use to appreciate GS for giving $5k to help with the down payment. But now thinking again, those money for the most beautiful part of my younger self, why am I selling myself so cheap?