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I have received word from the boarders -- they are currently at a stand still, waiting for that of my words to begin the assault. My heart goes out to them as they stand at the grounds of a battle. I have written back to inform my men that I have sold the last of my properties and the gold is on its way to ease the men and their demands. I am working harder to ensure the peace remains throughout the lands. I grow leary that it will not stay peaceful long unless I can forge that of a stronger alliance or find the means to return the treasury to its healthy standing. 

I have kept distant from Kayden for a few days now. I rather him not worry much about the burdens of a nation that I shall carry alone as my son and daughter have yet to return to their throne. I know this is safer for the nation for the royals with child to take shelter in Calboria MMaL but I worry for them. Letters go back and forth between myself and Mary. She worries that running wasn't the best choice of action but being she is with child, it strongly is that of the best choice they could make to be sure the child and mother are well tended.

As the day turns into night, I have taken to my chambers it is there at my desk I shall work in peace. Well till Kayden finds me, I have after all sent word to him that I would like him to come. But it is of his own choice. 

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I have finally answered the questions my friends so wanted to know of this man I have taken to my bed. He is my lover, someone to keep me warm at night. Though as I even say that out loud it sounds so wrong to me, I told them of how Kayden and I first met and this connection that came between us like two lost souls in the night just passing by only to find something more. It is scary to admit that I think I am falling in love with him far to quickly, he is a traveling man, from what I know he travels so often that I fear for that added heartache I rather not deal with. 

I have become leary of love, worried that if I love again I will not recover that pain. I have spoken to him -- I told them. I have spoken to him about courting and where I stand on the matter. It is in his hands, everything is there in his hands to decide what happens here. Perhaps that is the fear that has me setting everything in his hands. I rather it be the one not trapping anyone into anything, I am a queen mother and with that comes many courtly duties. He is not a man that is fond of the court but the court is my life. I constantly ask myself if it is fair to him.. that I even think to request to court him. Build a relationship with him knowing that our worlds are so far apart. 

Relationships with me is hard on any man. I am the courts, I work and live in them..would he ever come and stay in court. Be at my side in court always? I can not see him doing such, not without some pain of having to do such. I have spoken bluntly about these fears with the girls. Their words are kind and understanding though I am glad to be able to speak with them about the matter of my hearts feeling. I would like to hope for a starting of something more than lover though, the courts do so stand in the way of that I feel. 

Who knows what will really come of it. For now I am just happy I have him to hold at night. I have finally started to sleep in my courts bed again.. a bed that none but him as ever touched. I rather fresh memories after all. I think I shall cherish what moments I have. I have joy in my life and in my heart for once in a long time. I have him to thank for that. Thank you lover. 

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I have spent most my life here at court. From different courts to now my own sons court. My life has been full of love and pain, divorce.. and broken relationships. Though this night -- as I am sitting here writing of this, I have that of the sweetest man waiting for me in his own bed. Though tonight I shall not lay with him as I did before -- this night I just want to sleep there in his arms. To him I am beautiful, that is not something I hear often due to that of my age and record. But he makes me feel whole again, I fear at times I will mess up this that is so amazing, though I am unsure if I can. 

I have told him that when .. if he is ever ready to give me a real chance, I am his. I do not need my sons permission for that -- as he has placed my life in my own hands. I know I do not have much anymore but I do have me and a necklace that from what I hear from him is more than I could imagine to cover that of a dowry. I am afraid to fall in love again but for now -- I care. 

I know this is short but he waits for me, I rather not keep him longer than need be. Tonight I shall find peace. Good night Vayar.

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“ You act like you own me Lord Richards. “ I whispered into his ear as I came walking past him in the shirt of Kayden. The look on his face was priceless, though rather entertaining as he held his tongue. With my notes handed off to me by my ladies and their giggling. I couldn’t help but to laugh myself, I am no mans property that is a lesson all should know quickly. With my notes in hand I went over what had been said in the previous meeting -- I know of the rumors. The men waiting on my sons boarders, I will ride to them today but not before I meet with another oh so will to speak out against the crown. Watching Lord Richards I realize just how upset he seemed over the mans shirt on my body. I will have to keep a keen eye on him and ensure my own protection around him. I know what he wants -- my place. Good luck. 

With the shirt of Kayden set on my unmade bed and that of many questions from my ladies, I decided to keep my own secrets for now. That shirt left to wonder, though I think he shall not get that shirt back, I might just have to wear that more often when alone. I have missed him more than I let known. Finally dressed and off to meet with Lord Haverd I have learned that there is a much more going on around here, it is good to have my boys doing the dirty work. I will be sending guards to a few lords houses to place them under arrest, they will be there till questioned. 

“ Send the Captain and Lady Jade to the boarders! “ I commanded. I think for a moment I shall test my sisters care in matters of possible war. I rather make sure she can handle my place should anything happen to me during the darker hours. For now I shall wait to see how my sister handles the task ahead. I need to find out how the people are doing in the port city -- so it is there I shall head for the day. I pray to the gods above Kayden sleeps and does not head towards those boarders -- so perhaps with much anger with me, I have decided to send guards to the Estate we stayed the night in. Guards to ensure he is safe and sound. I am not sorry -- I rather him safe and angry at me then in risk of harm. 

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“ Everything will be alright my darling daughter. “ I had to give her a moment -- though I am still trying to figure it all out and what it is I am going to be doing. At this time I am working on a few ideas. I might go ahead and sell off a bit of my fathers items. I also have his old land over in Ryindale that can be sold off. Not that I want to so such, that land has been in our family for so long to sell it will put a deep pain in my heart. I will need to inform my sisters of the tough choices that need to be made in this time of need. 

I have sold off already my mothers wedding rings and my fathers band -- not that it gained me much but it is a start to what needs to be done. I am looking into a few other options that need to be thought of though at this time, I rather not get into such things. I think for now I shall keep that all to myself just for now anyway. 

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He was a good and righteous man. He took flight to the heavens late in the night. I by his side with his wife and son beside him. I remember in our your younger years he would always make me laugh, and there was that time when I had to beat him. Yet still with a messed up side of the face he made me laugh. It was the day he met his wife Aren, he was babbling and well I socked him to make sure his mind was still working. We all laughed and from that day forward Aren and him had forever been so close. You were that of my best friend. Adrian -- I loved you as a brother and miss you as any family should. 

In the arms of the heavens we shall meet again one day. My love for you has left a hole in my heart. May you rest in the peace you finally have earned my sweet friend. For now I shall drink a toast to send you off as we lay you into the ground. I shall not cry for there is no need for tears as I know you are sound safe within comfort of death. A bottle of rum with that favorite glass you gave me, a smile and a drink on the grave so fresh. I shall lay you down my friend. 

Till we meet again.

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This day I spent relaxing for the first time in a while, I just relaxed, my smile I don’t think I could hide it. Most the ladies were asking my why I smiled the way I do, though how does one respond to that? Kayden is back for a moment. I am unsure how long but for that moment he is back. I am so happy for that, and to be embraced like I was last night, what could you say to that? He is right on many things, he always finds me when I need him the most.

As I got up and dressed this morning -- I returned to the castle so I could enjoy that of a bath, there I just rested for a time. I enjoyed it. I spent the day with Kallie mostly, took her to the gardens and the city. The people really have started to take to her, that is a good sign though I will need to speak to Bowen on the matters of what she shall become. It is no longer my place to title those around me but his own for only he can raise the stations of those around.

This evening I shall have a word with him and see what he decides shall be the fate of his baby sister.

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“ What are you doing Flea bag! “ I yelled out as the man snatched me from the freezing water, I had fallen into when trying to help those just off the shore. A ship in the distance sinking and I was part of the crew to save those on board. When I fell into the water a man was there to drag me from the water. I know he was saving my life but perhaps at that time I just stopped caring. Perhaps it was my accepting that here was how my life would come to a stop, but he wouldn’t allow this!

I didn’t see the man -- I was removed from the scene by Jade a moment after we got to shore to warm and change. Being the Queen Mother makes it hard to get away with much these days. It was about an hour or more before I found myself back in that Inne where that flea bag of a man was staying, and with the demand I give him some of my rum. Oh I was livid. Asking the tender for where this man was I was shown. The far table by the fire was where my rum bottle slammed down as I started on my rant about this and that.

He spoke and looked up to me -- for a moment my world just stopped and I stood utterly still, the color in me had run dry. It took time before I could even speak or think to speak that was. “ ..Kayden “ It was no sooner than my words hit his ears that he was off his own seat to swoop me up into his strong arms and there he just held me. The one thing I remember most out of all this was that he dreamed of me, between all the horrid dreams he had, I was there.

I didn’t want to let him go this time. I held him close -- tightly so. I couldn’t but I had to release him, so I did with much dislike. We stood there and spoke but my question was left without an answered for the moment, I saw the tired look in his eyes and well. I helped him up to his room where I decided to stay this night. Watch over him as he slept. I wanted to lay with him. There in his arms but I held back and finally found rest in a chair beside his bed. It is there this night I shall sleep.

Tomorrow I hope to finally spend a day with him, a day just the two of us. I have missed this man more than I think he realizes. Though he is right. He always seems to find me when I need him the most. I thank you for that Kayden.

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Those eyes are mesmerizing, crystallized blue watched me as I worked on that of the throne. She was silent as if taking me in for the longest of moments, making sure I was safe. As she finally came into view of me she lowered in an almost perfect motion. As she rose the softest voice filled the throne room of guards and myself. She introduced herself as D’issan LaVollee. I knew who she was but I wasn’t about to inform her of this. She is shy but beautiful. I can see the attraction my grandson has for the girl before me.

She went to explain she was the Prince’s betrothed and that she had come to meet me. I thought she was the most kind to even think of me. Rising from the throne I motioned for her to walk with me and allow me the time to know her, she told me how she loved to paint. She told me about how she loves to take walks in the forest and just enjoy the creatures of it, now that is my kind of girl. I love the forest myself so for another to say such it was a bit warming.

I have learned she is like the Queen when Mary was a child, the play between Bowen and Tillie -- paint was involved! Now it has passed down onto my grandson. I think it is adorable. I enjoyed my conversation with her, she is a wise girl. Very special.

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This man in a dress and helm came walking down my forest path. He caught sight of me and decided it was wise to speak to a woman alone in a forest with a rum bottle. He asked for directions and words were quickly exchanged. Nothing impressive about that male, he brought my grandson’s name to the surface and that just irked me all the more. A warning was sent and clearly received before I made myself less available to that of people. Without a name exchanged the stranger headed on towards the castle gates and I.

I settled in the forest for a long evening of the calmness of the forest.

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She is beautiful and kind. Soft spoken to the point of hard to hear at times. A woman in her part of the world does not speak as much as the men in her world. It was interesting to see that she was the ambassador for her King in Newrin. I have heard of the place though it has never been one that I had planned to visit, though my name was spoken there by others I had met in different courts. So much that the King there decided to send his ambassador to learn more about me and why I was so well known in many places. I guess my time bouncing from court to court has placed my name out there. It is interesting to know.

We spoke for about an hour before she had to take leave for a time. Such beauty the woman was. I was shocked to know she was not wed.

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When you think of the Maxson children -- you think of the Maxson Triplets but you don’t really look past the three of us..You only know the story of Kiele, Kaleia, and Vexy.. there is no story of the other Maxson children. Did you know there are in total five of us? We have a baby brother named Kiaren though he passed in his late twenties in war. He was our fathers pride and joy that boy. He reminds me so much of my son, Bowen took after his uncle a great deal as my brother was a Knight of the old code. True by true did he follow his codes of honor and die for his King.

But there is one that little know the truth of. Many of you know her by Jade. But we knew her by the white haired girl. See our mother she was not all that loyal to our father one year, our father went off to war and a man with silver white hair came knocking. He was an old friend of our mothers, child hood friends in all truth from what we know anyway. Nine months later mother gave life to a silver haired girl. She never knew.. that we knew about it. The baby was gone that same night. In this world there are not many people with silver white hair.. but Jade, once a servant at the court.. we has it, she looked like us though we never really openly spoke about it. For years Jade and I became best friends.. sisters even.

Last night Morgana came to my son and told him the truth. He then came to Jade and I.. with a bottle and sat us down in the map room. We spoke for a short time and laughed when he told us what we both already thought we knew. Jades true name is Saryniti Kilena Maxson. That is the name my mother gave her but I guess her adopted family, whom kept the dark truth from her changed her name to Jade. I wonder how people will respond when they learn the truth about our little family. But no matter the case now. I am just happy to have my sister. Bowen has agreed to allow her the Maxson name and the title that comes with it.

I wish to be the one to say it first. Welcome home sister.

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This morning was beautiful. Words can not describe the beauty of the forest and the grounds around me. I was in my own little heaven with my daughter. Kallie was all giggles as we played in the grass and I carried her down the forest path. I love having the mornings with Kallie while Jade took care of the morning court paper work. She is very good at handling the papers while I handle the people.

As the morning moved on, it was time for Kallie to head down for a nap and with that nap came my turn on the throne. Entering the throne room my day began, it was slow to start but that is always how my day begins. Slow and steady till the nobles find out I am in the courts again. That my dears is when my day of work fully starts..

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I have received welcome home gifts from the young lady courting my grandson. Her name is D’issan of house LaVollee. I shall have to inform her parents they have raised a fine girl. She sent this gift stating it was from her and my grandson, though I am sure it was from mostly her picking out. Regardless I love them and shall treasure them always, the fan shall be used come warmer weather and the jewelry I shall use tonight at the gathering.

I shall thank them both when they arrive back home in the next few days.

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The look we shared was an understanding, he was in big trouble when he went up those stairs! Oh was in he trouble. But we just grinned at one another all to well did we know. It was good to see that handsome stranger back in the courts, though I am more than sure Jade will be more excited after she gets over that nervousness of telling him the updates. The pair make a rather fine pair I must admit. When Jade told me she was courting King Arumon – honestly I could only grin.

I have known the King for many years. He is a good man with a good heart, thick headed at times but what man is not? With the grins and laughter we both wanted so badly to share, he headed up the stairs to see his Jade and I took Kallie to the nursery for her nap. With her down finally and in the hands of the nanny my son kindly provided of my choosing, I headed back down stairs and towards the doors. I have some exploring to do. I have missed this freedom.

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I have been placed back in charge while my son and his wife take from what I saw, much needed time away from court. I could not be happier in all honesty, I have a meaning of being other than that of mother, I love being a mother do not get my wrong but I also like staying fully busy. Keeping my mind busy and work before me. Meeting with this person and that, now with that said. This morning I had a meeting with a twelve year old Queen of Conall, Ataresse. I found her in the church as she sat praying. I believe I caught her a bit off guard but it was a good thing to see.

I told her to continue on with what she was doing and that we could speak later. She did for now.

Later on in the afternoon her and I sat down in the garden room with tea, we discussed the alliance and what it was she needed for her people, it seems that her gate’s have been closed for some time as she spoke. Interesting though understandable to the reasons of why. Reasons of which with respect I would like to keep silent on. For a twelve year old girl, she knows her words well and knows how to work the courts into her favor, that is a very good trait for a queen to have.

After speaking for a good few hours, we have agreed on what her lands need and are willing to take part in helping her succeed as a queen should. This is the start of a new friendship not with the Empire of Ataresse but with the Kingdom of Conall.

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I am a grandmother! I can not believe it myself in all truth! I would love to introduce to you my grandson Mikael Volsang and my grand-daughter Luella December Volsang! I am a happy grandmother in all rights as one could only dream of the day her children were old enough to have children of their own. Perhaps call a little pay back if you will. Though I am impressed even more so with my son. Mikael is adopted and in truth that makes this all the more sweet to me. See Bowen was adopted and in truth I couldn't be more proud to see he has carried on that tradition!

Him and Tillie have in all rights made me so proud. Thank you my darling son for giving a child a second chance. I look forward to finally meeting my grandson and getting the chance to spend time knowing him.