a-system-of-creation

[a-system-of-creation]

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[a-system-of-creation]

i made this blog to be a system blog and maybe one day it will be but rn im just using it to vent my sexual frustration

emotional frustration

but sexual?

It is very strange.

can count the people i have had sex with now on one hand (less than that really) and only 1 of them has a dick and i remain very insistent to have it inside me some time

I've had it in my mouth and I've jacked them off (almost) when we tried first they were really nervous and couldn't really get it up and yesterday no Tuesday I was on my period... I'm getting off it now so... soon? probably maybe hopefully?

(god I just want that cock in me so badly... anywhere any hole just fill me oh god please)

(having gay thoughts about that dick.... regular occurrence. not regular for me. distracting. unusual. disorienting. frustrating. just wanna get railed. just wanna get back to work)

I am also.

catching feelings.

wanting to just look at them. hold them in my arms. kiss their face and sleep next to them. see them dress up and undress and touch their skin and hold them close.

tell them i love them.

i haven't even told 🐻 about this bit because I'm scared. it was fun and games and sex and jokes and fantasies and now it's real. kinda.

scared:

of other people's reactions. this will look bad to those who watched the thing with 🦊 and got the superficial impression that it was just about relationships at work, and not how 🦊 acted around the whole thing, just refusing to take responsibility just playing around just messing around, unwilling to stop but lying about it to drag it out further and make 🐻's life hell in the mean time

of ruining the reputations of the café, of 🐻 and 🐦 and 🐱, and losing out on business and potential partners and connections and opportunities. losing out on funding cus someone found out and isn't willing to give us money anymore. losing the café in general

of things going wrong. what if you hurt me or i hurt you. what if one of us clings too hard or not enough, what if this makes working together harder? there's a reason 🐻 wants to put some policies in place - it's because relationships between people who are working together are bad news for the business. is this an exception? why? can we do something to mitigate the risk? can we do something to protect the business? can we do that while still being close?

Was scared before of you catching feelings... I can kind of see in your eyes that you have. And I can feel in my soul that I have as well. What should we do?

Options include:

Continue as we are. (This is dangerous because that's what we agreed to before and now things are Different and More and I worry it'll keep growing until it's out of control.)

Perhaps I should specify what things are now:

We are colleagues who work well together. We're close and do things together. Sometimes "do things together" means sex. But not always, not even most times, just sometimes. We talk about things a lot to make sure we're all on the same page. Things are scary but exciting as well. Things are definitely enthusiastically and informedly consensual. Open and honest.

Leaving things "as they are" will easily lead to more closeness because we all crave it from each other.

Foreseeable problems with this:

Feelings! I have so many of them and they get away from me! Run away with me! Either of those things or maybe both! It's scary!

My feelings will take it hard if we do go further and have to keep it secret. This will be hard for me to cope with because I like being open about my feelings and rn I'm having a lot but this is nowhere near the biggest amount of feelings I can feel. Nowhere near

If we lean into this, my feelings will grow. This is something I know for certain.

Worried about how it will affect my relationship with 🐻, worried that they'll see the intensity of my feelings and desires and feel reminded of 🦊's behaviours. Seeing my feelings as a threat to their business, their life. Worried that I will lose my head a bit and become inconsiderate of others like 🦊 did. Worried that 🐻 will see these things in me, and be right to feel scared and angry and threatened.

Worried about 🐦 and being in a relationship with them potentially. They're so inexperienced - not young, well they are but only a couple years younger than me, but they don't have the relationship experience that we do. Scared that they'll bolt at the first sign of trouble. (But we've had trouble already and they didn't bolt... so... idk?) Worried about exposing and exploiting their vulnerabilities. Taking advantage of them because they don't know any better. I know I am capable of those things and I don't want to be unhealthy for someone in their first real experience of romance.

And lastly... of course... what if these feelings persist? what if they're here to stay? what do we do then? I guess go with the flow and see how that works out for us...

I'm already committed to having 🐻 in my life forever I genuinely would not have it any other way. Forever and then some. Don't want to be apart from them, ever

My feelings for 🐦 are not that... not yet but at this point I feel like they could get there. Fairly easily actually. Oops. I... oops. Uh.

(I was willing to pledge my life to 🦊 as well... remember that these pledges hold a lot of weight, but can be recalled)

Anyway I feel like 🐻 and 🐦 have a really strong relationship and foundation and I think having some kind of long term thing might actually work. But it is really early days so it's very hard to say. I still struggle to trust. Right now I struggle to trust in permanence. Of relationships people places... the only thing I know I can rely on is that I love 🐻 and they love me and they want to be with me as much as I want to be with them.

I also know they love 🐦 and 🐦 loves them.

I also know that I love 🐦 and 🐦 loves... at least likes me too. I know they find me hot and I know they care about me.

What more do we need?

But isn't this only the first of the options of what could happen? This is the "things stay the same or become more" option.

I don't want less but that's definitely my feelings talking. and my thirsting pussy. that's a phrase i don't think I've ever used for myself. but it is definitely true. when I think about 🐦 I think with my dick. I desperately want them inside of me.

Guess we could always call it off at some point... oh but won't that hurt so fucking much? even just at this point where "this" isn't really anything defined or concrete? and won't it hurt much more if we leave it for a while only then to have to call it off later on?

I'm torn and conflicted and full of feelings and desperate for a penis in me and I need to find a way to make sense of all this...

... and it almost certainly will involve having a penis inside me at some point and that's very exciting but makes it hard to think clearly about this.

(are the allos ok? is this what their life is like on a daily basis? starting to see how so many people make so many dumb decisions... it's hard to think around your genitals wanting to fuck kgsyfjhddgdy)

(i saw a post not long ago which was like "your brain wants sex more than your body does" INCORRECT my ace brain still cringes at the idea this is LITERALLY entirely my pussy talking. sex feels good to my body and i have to get my brain to shut up before I can actually enjoy it. just as an uhhh aside I guess)