a-token-of-our-love-blog

[a-token-of-our-love-blog]

Dear Baby,

Sorry I havent been writing to you, so much has been happening. Your daddy finally came through and im happy to say that we both cant wait for your arrival!

This past thursday i had an appointment to get the abortion pill, i ended up not going. A part of me wanted to go because i wanted to see you again in the ultrasound, however, i was incredibly tired that i refused to wake up. I wonder if that was YOUR doing?!

Did i tell you? That a few days after i found out about you, your daddys dad had a dream that i was pregnant and that i was having a girl….i wonder if the dream will be right? You know, thats how your grandpa found out about my pregnancy…through a dream, just like your mommy. Youre only 7 weeks but here you are navigating through our dreams just to let us know youre coming. You sure are amazing!

I must be honest with you, baby, my fears of becoming a mother is becoming more apparent as i prepare for your arrival. I see new moms and i cant help but think about how youre gonna look. Im scared that ill fail you in so many ways that youll grow to hate me. Im scared that if youre a girl, youll be taken advantage of when i cant protect you (just like your mommy). Im scared that if you turn out to be a boy, youll grow up to be one of those scumbags that took advantage of me. I know i shouldnt be thinking these things but……those are my fears.

Isnt it weird that im not scared of being financially inept but scared of how my parenting will phase you? I wonder if all moms think this way?

All these people i know are having babies, theyre married, got their career started, etc. i look at them and all our other friends celebrating and i honestly never felt alone. Thats a lie, i always feel that way. What i mean though, is that i dont have friends. While they are all having baby dates and all that, itll probably just be the two of us. I hope my love for you will be enough for you, baby.

Your daddy said hell help support us, but i dont know if itll last. We still have our issues and i just feel like when you come around, hell feel more trapped and will still think low of me. I feel that no matter what i do or say, itll never make up for that time i slept with my best friend. Its truly a screwed up scenario and that also scares me because how will it affect you in the long run? Honestly, i wish your daddy and i could make it work…as much as we bump heads, i really do like him. I just wish he knew how to love me the way i need to be loved.

How can i love you if i dont even know how to be loved? Will my motherly instincts come in time to properly raise you? Thinking of it really scares me that im in tears rn. I just need time.

Before i go though, your ETA is jan 20, 2018. Did you know, thats my dad bday…your grandpas bday. I hope that you come on his bday, im sure hed love it.

Love, Mommy

[a-token-of-our-love-blog]

Dear Baby,

As the days go by, more and more people are finding out about you! I must admit though, a lot of them don’t think I can handle you or being a single mom. It scares me to think that i am probably going to be both your mommy and your daddy.

You see, daddy isnt too happy with me at the moment. When i told your daddy, i thought hed be slightly excited like me but in fact, i got the opposite response. Your daddy and me went from seeing each other almost every day for the past year and a half. Ive had pregnancy scares with him and he was there to rub my belly when i was cramping…so when your news came, i was shocked that he needed his space!

I mean what does a father have to really think about besides financial stability, whether to be there or not, and loss of freedom? I just didnt understand and because i didnt, the feeling of us both not being wanted led me to seek comfort elsewhere after 3 days.

Well, i ended up staying at a really good friends house two nights later and i kept waking up here and there due to being uncomfortable. Eventually, id go back to sleep but then i had awoken with horrible cramps! I was crying for your daddy but he wasnt there, in fact, he was elsewhere since he found out about you. Anyways, i cried for him but he wasnt there and so my friend woke up and he helped me. He rubbed you and helped me breathe correctly so my body wasnt so tense and when you started to calm down, he kissed my forehead and then you…

Im so sorry baby, if i end up having you and you wonder why mommy and daddy doesnt get along…or arent together parenting you, it was probably because of that night. I just dont know what came over me, baby. When my friend kissed you, all the things i ever wanted your daddy to do since we found out was JUST THAT. I know it isnt a good excuse but i honestly dont know what came over me.

I just suddenly felt “family” and it turned me on to the point that i cant explain but i just jumped on it. Right after though, i felt horrible. I didnt understand why i did it and i felt so slutty having sex when im pregnant with another guy. So i went home, took a shower, and biked to your dads house to tell him the horrible news of what i have done.

Honestly, i dont think our relationship will ever go back after that and i do regret it but im not beating myself over it either. The fact that i waited for your daddy to come around and he didnt, its not entirely my fault to have sought comfort elsewhere. I hope you understand that i just wanted your dad with me like how he was when i had the pregnancy scares.

Im sorry baby, im doing my best to work things out with him but hearing him call me a whore, slut, and a hoe…that im a shit person who will never be a good wife or a mom…truly hurts. It scares me more to think that one day, you might see me in the same light.

I sure hope not baby, i hope youll grow to understand the decisions im making during this whole process and that youll be content. Maybe daddy doesnt want to be in your life, but mommy will always be there to love you.

That is, if i meet you one day soon.

Love, Mommy

[a-token-of-our-love-blog]

Dear Baby,

Today i talked to your uncles girlfriend about the thought of aborting you. However, i walked away from that conversation feeling utterly lost, once again. What should mommy do? She has always been pro-choice and maybe if she was younger, she would most likely choose "eject". But that isnt the case, mommy is already at that age where she should be thinking about babies if she really wanted them. So not only are you a token of our love, you are also seen as a blessing :j A lot of people can say youre going to be a burden, and i know that you may possibly be seen that way when the coming gets tough...but just know that if i have you, i will always love you. The one thing im proud to admit is that, im really good at putting others before me. Because of mommys past, she grew up believing that her happiness doesnt matter...the people she cares for do. However, mommy can see the good out of almost everyone and thats ultimately screws her over because even the scumbags would be treated like kings. Dont worry though baby, if all goes well and you show up 8 months later....you will take hold of that throne; i promise you. Just please try and remember that im not perfect and i am human so please be patient! Hmmm, those are some good qualities i can definitely teach you. Anyways, im going to make mistakes more often than i should, but if we can learn to be there together, well conquer the world. Oh baby, i just dont know how to feel about all of this. One day i think i know, then i get scared and over think everything and i change decisions, then i see a mom with her newborn and i cant help but get excited to meet you too. This is most definitely going to be the biggest decision in my life, baby. May God be with me. Love, Mommy

[a-token-of-our-love-blog]

Dear Baby,

On june 16, 2017, i had a dream that i took a pregnancy test and it came out positive. When i woke up, i took one and sure enough….i was.

I didnt know how to feel. To be honest, i cried and freaked out. I called your daddy and said some pretty mean things to him because i was so scared. However, even though i was so sad and afraid…i was also low key excited! Im no where ready to have a baby at 28, working as a server, living at your grandparents house which is hoarded with your grandmas shit. Despite that, ive been awaiting the day to be carrying a spawn of me and the love of my life inside ME. Call yourself a token of our LOVE ;j

You see, your mommy is a people watcher. One of the things she loves to observe are children. Children, theyre still learning and figuring things out….theyre at the utmost pureness when it comes to society and its laws you know? Because theyre still learning everything: how to feel, how to communicate how they feel/act to another kid thats just as ignorant, how to deal with issues like someone telling you they dont want to be your friend or how to write your name. One of the main things i like observing with adults are how they parent their children and witnessing the outcome of it.

Why? Because i knew eventually that i would find true love and have cute little babies with him and these observations will later provide an outline of how id like to parent you one day! For years, i would talk to myself about all the deep conversations id like to have with you whether it was sex or relationship troubles or even some life hacks.

But now that youre here, inside me….due to certain circumstances, including your dads, i may most likely have to abort you.

Im so sorry. I truly am. I know its whats best for us but…i wish i was ready to have you. I know i can speak on your behalf and its not fair to end something we created but….the feelings between your dad and i, its not something i would want you to go through. Your childhood would probably be filled with all this unneeded bullshit, shaping you into someone….someone like your mommy. You see baby, mommy has been suffering from depression and ptsd from rapes, molestations, verbal abuse, and life itself. Mommy didnt really have a good childhood and the person she is today, eventually pushed your daddy away and caused him not to love me anymore. Not only that, but daddy already has a baby of his own from someone else and he just cant be there for you like he is for his other baby. I hope you understand.

So, i made this tumblr for you because i know after i lose you, im probably gonna think about this decision for the REST OF MY LIFE. Ill never get to meet you or talk to you….fuck, ill never get to raise you and see how you grow up. This should serve as a medium to talk to you, as well as, help me keep what little sanity ill have left.

Love, Mommy