a-very-small-bluejay

[a-very-small-bluejay]

Are you still alive?

great question and the answer is yes, just very busy with several instances of life kicking me in the teeth. im facing housing struggles, had a point in time where i had no access to hot food, social security is docking my pay, etc. i miss writing for yall and i do intend to come back. sorry for the long hiatus

[a-very-small-bluejay]

im in financial trouble

so the social security administration, after several months of giving me my checks normally, has suddenly decided to cut my next check by more than 400 dollars. as it stands i will not have enough money to pay my bills and i have no money for food for the entire month. i know its been a while since i was active but i don't know where else to go, even sharing the link around helps. please consider helping me out, it would mean the world to me.

in other news i am considering starting coming back to write more. i miss writing and i honestly need the escapism at this point.

https://gofund.me/b2f686cb

[a-very-small-bluejay]

more bad news piles on, my laptop has decided that work conditions are unsustainable and is completely fried. i cannot replace it because i have no income, and that was the best way for me to write. (technically speaking i can write on my phone but my phone is also on the way out) so like im glad my mental state is better right at the moment cause if this had happened to me a mere one month ago im not sure how i would have responded lol

[a-very-small-bluejay]

ayo y'all it's been a while, i promise im still here and eventually coming back to writing. my lawyer has definitively accepted my case, and the disability office wants me to do another psych eval at some point apparently. also im still trying to get into psychiatry through my therapist. most recently my problem is rampant paranoia, i can no longer leave my house even just to take the trash outside. also i made my carpal tunnel way worse by playing too many video games so my dominant hand is now confined to a wrist brace and the arm is in a sling to keep me from using it. other than the paranoia i am doing better mentally, so in the next couple days i may try and put out a chapter. sorry for the long term disappearance there, i was in a real bad spot for a pretty long time

[a-very-small-bluejay]

✨therapy day✨ wish me luck lads I should be getting picked up here soon

[a-very-small-bluejay]

Today I had a 20 minute crying session (I'm calling it 20 mins but I'm still at the point where talking about it is making me cry again) because I burned my food and cooking is pretty much the only thing I do that I allow myself to take pride in.

Therapy Wednesday ://

[a-very-small-bluejay]

me to my cat: i am full of agony and despair. can u fix that?

lestat: starts purring, flicks his little tail, blinks at me while reaching a paw towards my face.

me, tearing up: cool thanks

[a-very-small-bluejay]

just journaled my way through a mental breakdown for the first time. gotta say, journaling is distinctly useless for me considering that i have hallucinations that get worse when acknowledged. i was originally depressed and now im terrified of falling asleep so that's how my night is going :// bright side of tonight is that i got a letter from the lawyer my therapist recommended, and i can say now that i have an official lawyer representing my disability case. i filled out so much paperwork today. most of it was writing down all my symptoms. i have therapy next week, after three weeks of being unable to go due to lack of transportation. i can honestly say my poor therapist is in for an earful, but that's what therapy is for so im trying not to feel too guilty about that. i am desperately trying to think of other good news, and all i can think of is this little doodle i did,,, normally my art style of 'doodle until the lines look like something and then finish the something it started to look like' lends itself to nightmare fuel but this turned out cute. im thinking of doing an ask post here soon to see if interaction helps, because i missed gaming with my best friend last week and we can't this week because she's going to this months LARP event and i can't go until next month.

[a-very-small-bluejay]

Bluebird comes back for another update, today was supposed to be the day my lawyer called me. I waited for forty five minutes after the time I was supposed to get the call, and nothing, so I had to reschedule. It will be another two weeks minimum before I know what's going on, and I am unfortunately a complete wreck. I'm having trouble sleeping, I'm having daily panic attacks, my tic disorder is on a rampage, I had motor tics through today that aggravated my carpal tunnel to the point I have to wrap my wrist for the next several days, and as days go by I feel worse and worse about my overall situation. I am losing hope that I will ever be able to exist on my own, without relying on other people to pay for the things I need to survive, and my chronic illness hit me bad enough today that I might need to go to the hospital sometime within the next week. Sorry for the bleak update, this is the reason I'm taking a break from writing. My writing voice changes entirely when I'm going through a depressive funk, and y'all are accustomed to my writing when I am for the most part fine. I am now going to go rewatch the same anime I've been rewatching for the past week. It's only two seasons, and I can get through the whole thing in the span of two nights, and the repetition is comforting.

Tl;dr,,,

Bluejay is Not Okay, and this post is actually woefully understocked on detail in terms of everything being thrown at me. Super sorry for the unload, I sort of needed a vent.

[a-very-small-bluejay]

Got the letter detailing why I was denied income today, and on the bright side (the only bright side, I'm still horrifically depressed because I have to rely on other people and incredibly angry that I'm not allowed to exist in a world where I can't work) it looks like the case will be an easy one for my lawyer. The reasons they gave for denying me literally outlined the reasons I can't work in the first place. Also it's been more than a year since I've been out of work now, and it hadn't been when I first applied. In any case, appointment with a lawyer in about a week and a half, I just have to keep going until then. And my therapist is working with me to get me into psychiatry so I can get firm diagnoses and probably also meds (much as I hate that I need them to function, I know I need them.) Best news I have this week is that I actually succeeded in sleeping yesterday, for longer than three hours, for the first time in two weeks. I hope y'all are doing better than I am, and with that Bluejay is out for the night

[a-very-small-bluejay]

F*ck ._.

Dude, it's enough for us when you stop by sometimes to tell us that you are alive. 🥺

Don't stress yourself extra with thinking too much about our request and don't be sorry about it. It is not your fault. 🫂

Get a lawyer and kick their asses dude, we cheer on you °^°

And if you want / need to vent then do it. It helps sometimes to get at least a bit of stress and frustration out of your system.

Thanks for the encouragement, I need it 😅 I will absolutely make a post at least once every couple days, and like I said I'm still down for popping in to chat for a while. I had hoped that I was going to go more than a week without a punch to the gut from life itself, but it seems that refuses to be the case ; -;

I'm out for now, I'm going to get a cup of coffee and probably cry a lot (more, I have already cried like a half an hour since waking up)

[a-very-small-bluejay]

Hey! It's frog anon 🐸! Sorry I've been away...midterms kind of really screwed with me...and I got some issues with student loans...but I really hope you'll be doing better!

Out of curiosity have you gotten Walking wake/Iron leaves?

I just caught Wake and named it Cuthulu XD

It's super cute when it sleeps so I'm really hoping you can experience how cute that is!!! I love the way it's tails lie when it's sleeping!!! I think this thing became a favorite so quickly!!! I love the design!!!

I really hope you're doing a little better!!! Sorry I've been gone a while...

BUT OMG I'VE LOVED EVERYTHING SO FAR YOU'VE WRITTEN!!! sorry I was meaning to comment but ouch I really needed to feel better after midterms...

Howdy Frog Anon🐸

Nice to see you back!! Sorry midterms were screwing with you, I really know the feeling. With the student loans, too, haha 😅😅

I did catch Walking Wake! I named it Crumpet, after my 3 year old nephews favorite book which has a dragon named Crumpet in it. I definitely think it's completely adorable, though I haven't seen it sleeping yet (now I know what I need to do later lol, I definitely need the cute right about now)

I hope you feel better soon from midterms! They definitely suck.

[a-very-small-bluejay]

Breaking news, the government has decided that I am not worthy of personal freedom, and has declined my disability application after a month and a half of it sitting at 90% complete, and 9 months total in processing. I now need a lawyer because I refuse to live the rest of my life hopping couch to couch or living in someone's basement because I am incapable of work. The hiatus continues, and I am sorry to say that it looks like it's going to be a long time while I fight through the legal case regarding my right to have an income in a world where I am too mentally ill to hold a job. I will still pop in now and again to chat, I am so sorry to those of you still waiting, I will come back eventually. This is just going to be held over my head for a long time, presumably months, and I already know it's going to drive my stress through the roof.

[a-very-small-bluejay]

Mental Health Bluebird Update

I got the character changes for Mort updated!! This is very good for two reasons, I will not have to send any more emails in the near future, and I will not get penalized for the changes not being visible or approved. It also means a huge load of stress off my shoulders, because emails are spooky scary and my LARP means a lot to me. Can't write tonight because I'm going through wind storms and the power keeps going out, my laptop doesn't work if it's not plugged in and charging. In any case, today is very good so far :D

[a-very-small-bluejay]

I'm very happy that you are better dude 😊

And yes, deadlines are evil, so don't set one °^°

I think I can speak for everyone here that it doesn't matter when the next chapter comes out.

What really matters is that you feel well and are happy.

You >>>>>>>>> everything else

Feel hugged and loved (°^°)/❤️

Tysm this is so nice to read ; -; I'm super glad y'all aren't upset that it's taking me a while, I have a really hard time taking care of myself so the fact that I've got people so clearly putting my well being over content they've requested is very cool and also awesome for me

Just wanna say I love y'all too, you've all been awesome while I work things out

[a-very-small-bluejay]

How are you today?

Hope you had a great Saturday and that today will also be a great day

I am still getting better!! I had a friend come over yesterday, which helped a lot with my mental state. And I was right about going back to sleeping days, I am so much less physically ill now that I'm not dealing with sunlight as much. I don't have a definite timeline as yet to when I'll get the next chapter out, because it seems like each time I give myself a deadline I get worse, so I'm just sort of hoping I feel well enough within the next couple of days to start writing again.

[a-very-small-bluejay]

Update on your local bluebird's mental health, I sent an email to the logistics team for the larp I go to because technically speaking I need to make some edits to my character. Sending the email sent me into a half hour long panic attack. I am having. A Rough Go Of It. On the bright side going back to sleeping days is in fact making me feel physically better, though the weather changing so rapidly has given me some sinus issues. All that to say, I am trying my hardest to feel better but for whatever reason the universe seems to be against me right about now. Sincerest apologies to those waiting on requests, I also am upset that I'm doing so badly.