aarchi-rathore1303

[aarchi-rathore1303]

Love that dare not speak its name

There I was.

Sitting in a balcony floodlit with sunshine ,yet hiding in the shadows of my past…basking in the gloom reality that my life had become. My heart was shattered into a million pieces and each piece pierced my soul with a different intensity. My heart muscles had a scar tissue named…..;well It doesn’t have a name.

My recklessly ambiguous self was bleakly staring into the trees in front of me….wondering if there could be a bird…just free and happy…the two feelings I haven’t felt in a very long time.

I feel entrapped by my feelings. When I need the good one‘s, they just go undercover and only the devastating ones cloud my mind…so many clouds and no rain: its like my tears have dried out.

Every time I see him, its just a sore hazy vision and shattered breathing, shivering toes and fingers, jittering teeth, difficulty in swallowing and that unbearable butterfly ruccous in my stomach….well to be clear..when I see him in a picture! Cause he is just a living memory and not literally a living person anymore, the same as he’s been for the past 2 years.

I remember us, lying on the same vintage wooden single bed that we used to cuddle in, in my room, with his fingers running through my hair and my skinny hands on his cheeks….trying to figure out the blushing glow on his pale pink skin. He was the most handsome guy I ever met. He had this perfect cresent smile with witty dimples and he used to laugh with his emerald green eyes that had an ombre teal shade too. It was too easy to fall for him cause he was the definition of perfect: so that’s what happened ……..i obliterated the line I drew when I was 15 after my first breakup about never falling for a boy and tripped in the basket of love, right into his arms, I landed so smoothly that I didn’t feel the fall at that time ….which I so intensely and rather so spasmodically feel now.

I wonder what he would be doing now. Thats my single concern.

Would he be riding unicorns and living in cotton candy houses or would he be thinking about me…now that he’s free of his pain and sufferings.

He was sick for almost 5 years before he gave up and stopped fighting. His Adenoacanthoma sucked all happiness and left just a void.

The worst memory is the one thats on recently played in my mental playlist: its about a day I visited him in the hospital.

“Are you okay?”, I asked him.

“I love you.”,he expressed painfully from beneath his oxygen mask, his eyes all teary

“I love you too and you’re going to be okay.”

“No, I’m not!”

“Why would you say that?”

“I dont know ,I can feel it in my bones that its over”,his eyes staring into mine while I sadly gazed into his. His eyes had their own stars…and were still shining so I spoke, “There’s still hope baby” “No its dark…..i just want u to know that I love you, and I need u to promise me something.” “What is it?”

“Promise me you will live ur life and will complete your wishes…………..”

“Don’t,”I couldn’t let him finish.

Well that was the end…….

I watched him go into his inevitably long sleep…..slowly closing his eyes……and the stars slowly fading into oblivion.

The way those stars stopped sparkling, my complete life changed. I cried endlessly for endless nights for endless months and still the pain wasn’t gone.

Well I suppose, a life full of pain was the only way to live with him because I was in love with a departed soul.

[aarchi-rathore1303]

Grief of Alive

Its difficult to understand why our hearts can never forget the devastating past that haunts our soul.

The demons inside my head always knew that I would lose myself.

I realised the true meaning of ‘Pain’ when every second of my life….my heart gave screams that no one could hear ,when every cell of my body gave up, and all I could feel….was NOTHING.

Pain is not a devil, sometimes you become so familiar with it that you don’t feel good when it bids you a farewell, you still miss it because it comforted you, because it was there with you when nobody else was .

Pain leaves you with scars ,but it never teaches you how to heal them.

These memories are the real enemies of my existence.

That was a bad day….Mom and Dad were arguing …again .I was hidden behind the door, numb with the ghost of my expectations playing inside my mind. My eyes were red with tears forced in, but more disturbing was my dress that was tickling the self tattooed bruise on my thigh. I couldn’t understand why my terrified heart was aching, maybe it wanted to get out of my ribCAGE.There was no moment of my melancholic life when I didn’t wish for their welfare, but now my fist small heart could no longer take the burden of my expectations exceeding my reality. They told each other multitudinous times that they could no longer stay together and need to distant themselves, but dad’s overreaction always made the situation worse. I tried my best to calm them down but it didn’t work. My fake sangfroid self knew that my true ,disturbed and exasperated self was more dominant on my tongue.

That day was no better, it had the same situation, inauspicious and doleful..but when I interfered in between their conversation ,the reaction was brutal enough to tear me into pieces….mom slapped me, but dad was standing stock-still. He looked broken, but mom was furious. The discontinuity in their conversation caused by mom’s reaction was invisible after a moment, but this time their talk was more heated, more than ever before.

I looked up towards dad, his blue eyes in which I once saw affection for her were looking tired. But I could still feel how much he loves mom . When I hugged dad, the beautiful memory of  feeling the warmth of his arms around mine and his breath running against my head was blurred. 

My head was throbbing due to tears banging on my eyes, moaning to get out, but I controlled until their vexed conversation came to an end.

That night was a horrible one for me. When you suffocate yourself with all the feelings that you can’t share with anyone, you can no longer  cry ,because gradually as the suffocation deepens, your tears dry out and the only way you used to throw your anger out, is not a way anymore.

I knew that they could no longer stay together and would separate ….but the reason was what I was unaware of. I always thought that relationships were happy with a bonding of love and affection, but mom and dad didn’t seem like that to me.

Dad used to tell me, “Life gives you as much chances as you deserve”, I think life gave mom and dad  a lot of chances which they missed, and its still giving, but they are not ready to grab it, all they want is ‘Separation’,which is just a mere desire for me.

Its an art to give up on what you deeply desire, of which I was incapable of.

                                                                                                - Aarchi Rathore

[aarchi-rathore1303]

Love is a labyrinth of feelings….. The path ur on determines what ur feeling…… Each paths feels different and so each love feels different….. Yet they all are categorised under the same term……..thats the beauty of our messed world…. Its a tangle of varied emotions of variable tenderness….yet only a 5 letter word

Aarchi Rathore

[aarchi-rathore1303]

Every night…….i let myself feel and drown in every essence of my complete miserable existence

Aarchi Rathore

[aarchi-rathore1303]

Every night.......i let myself feel and drown in every essence of my complete miserable existence

Aarchi Rathore

[aarchi-rathore1303]

Love is a labyrinth of feelings..... The path ur on determines what ur feeling...... Each paths feels different and so each love feels different..... Yet they all are categorised under the same term........thats the beauty of our messed world.... Its a tangle of varied emotions of variable tenderness....yet only a 5 letter word

Aarchi Rathore

[aarchi-rathore1303]

Grief of Alive

Its difficult to understand why our hearts can never forget the devastating past that haunts our soul.

The demons inside my head always knew that I would lose myself.

I realised the true meaning of ‘Pain’ when every second of my life….my heart gave screams that no one could hear ,when every cell of my body gave up, and all I could feel….was NOTHING.

Pain is not a devil, sometimes you become so familiar with it that you don’t feel good when it bids you a farewell, you still miss it because it comforted you, because it was there with you when nobody else was .

Pain leaves you with scars ,but it never teaches you how to heal them.

These memories are the real enemies of my existence.

That was a bad day….Mom and Dad were arguing …again .I was hidden behind the door, numb with the ghost of my expectations playing inside my mind. My eyes were red with tears forced in, but more disturbing was my dress that was tickling the self tattooed bruise on my thigh. I couldn’t understand why my terrified heart was aching, maybe it wanted to get out of my ribCAGE.There was no moment of my melancholic life when I didn’t wish for their welfare, but now my fist small heart could no longer take the burden of my expectations exceeding my reality. They told each other multitudinous times that they could no longer stay together and need to distant themselves, but dad’s overreaction always made the situation worse. I tried my best to calm them down but it didn’t work. My fake sangfroid self knew that my true ,disturbed and exasperated self was more dominant on my tongue.

That day was no better, it had the same situation, inauspicious and doleful..but when I interfered in between their conversation ,the reaction was brutal enough to tear me into pieces….mom slapped me, but dad was standing stock-still. He looked broken, but mom was furious. The discontinuity in their conversation caused by mom’s reaction was invisible after a moment, but this time their talk was more heated, more than ever before.

I looked up towards dad, his blue eyes in which I once saw affection for her were looking tired. But I could still feel how much he loves mom . When I hugged dad, the beautiful memory of  feeling the warmth of his arms around mine and his breath running against my head was blurred. 

My head was throbbing due to tears banging on my eyes, moaning to get out, but I controlled until their vexed conversation came to an end.

That night was a horrible one for me. When you suffocate yourself with all the feelings that you can’t share with anyone, you can no longer  cry ,because gradually as the suffocation deepens, your tears dry out and the only way you used to throw your anger out, is not a way anymore.

I knew that they could no longer stay together and would separate ….but the reason was what I was unaware of. I always thought that relationships were happy with a bonding of love and affection, but mom and dad didn’t seem like that to me.

Dad used to tell me, “Life gives you as much chances as you deserve”, I think life gave mom and dad  a lot of chances which they missed, and its still giving, but they are not ready to grab it, all they want is ‘Separation’,which is just a mere desire for me.

Its an art to give up on what you deeply desire, of which I was incapable of.

                                                                                                - Aarchi Rathore

[aarchi-rathore1303]

Love that dare not speak its name

There I was.

Sitting in a balcony floodlit with sunshine ,yet hiding in the shadows of my past…basking in the gloom reality that my life had become. My heart was shattered into a million pieces and each piece pierced my soul with a different intensity. My heart muscles had a scar tissue named…..;well It doesn’t have a name.

My recklessly ambiguous self was bleakly staring into the trees in front of me….wondering if there could be a bird…just free and happy…the two feelings I haven’t felt in a very long time.

I feel entrapped by my feelings. When I need the good one‘s, they just go undercover and only the devastating ones cloud my mind…so many clouds and no rain: its like my tears have dried out.

Every time I see him, its just a sore hazy vision and shattered breathing, shivering toes and fingers, jittering teeth, difficulty in swallowing and that unbearable butterfly ruccous in my stomach….well to be clear..when I see him in a picture! Cause he is just a living memory and not literally a living person anymore, the same as he’s been for the past 2 years.

I remember us, lying on the same vintage wooden single bed that we used to cuddle in, in my room, with his fingers running through my hair and my skinny hands on his cheeks….trying to figure out the blushing glow on his pale pink skin. He was the most handsome guy I ever met. He had this perfect cresent smile with witty dimples and he used to laugh with his emerald green eyes that had an ombre teal shade too. It was too easy to fall for him cause he was the definition of perfect: so that’s what happened ……..i obliterated the line I drew when I was 15 after my first breakup about never falling for a boy and tripped in the basket of love, right into his arms, I landed so smoothly that I didn’t feel the fall at that time ….which I so intensely and rather so spasmodically feel now.

I wonder what he would be doing now. Thats my single concern.

Would he be riding unicorns and living in cotton candy houses or would he be thinking about me…now that he’s free of his pain and sufferings.

He was sick for almost 5 years before he gave up and stopped fighting. His Adenoacanthoma sucked all happiness and left just a void.

The worst memory is the one thats on recently played in my mental playlist: its about a day I visited him in the hospital.

“Are you okay?”, I asked him.

“I love you.”,he expressed painfully from beneath his oxygen mask, his eyes all teary

“I love you too and you’re going to be okay.”

“No, I’m not!”

“Why would you say that?”

“I dont know ,I can feel it in my bones that its over”,his eyes staring into mine while I sadly gazed into his. His eyes had their own stars…and were still shining so I spoke, “There’s still hope baby” “No its dark…..i just want u to know that I love you, and I need u to promise me something.” “What is it?”

“Promise me you will live ur life and will complete your wishes…………..”

“Don’t,”I couldn’t let him finish.

Well that was the end…….

I watched him go into his inevitably long sleep…..slowly closing his eyes……and the stars slowly fading into oblivion.

The way those stars stopped sparkling, my complete life changed. I cried endlessly for endless nights for endless months and still the pain wasn’t gone.

Well I suppose, a life full of pain was the only way to live with him because I was in love with a departed soul.

[aarchi-rathore1303]

Love that dare not speak its name

There I was.

Sitting in a balcony floodlit with sunshine ,yet hiding in the shadows of my past...basking in the gloom reality that my life had become. My heart was shattered into a million pieces and each piece pierced my soul with a different intensity. My heart muscles had a scar tissue named.....;well It doesn’t have a name.

My recklessly ambiguous self was bleakly staring into the trees in front of me....wondering if there could be a bird...just free and happy...the two feelings I haven’t felt in a very long time.

I feel entrapped by my feelings. When I need the good one‘s, they just go undercover and only the devastating ones cloud my mind...so many clouds and no rain: its like my tears have dried out.

Every time I see him, its just a sore hazy vision and shattered breathing, shivering toes and fingers, jittering teeth, difficulty in swallowing and that unbearable butterfly ruccous in my stomach....well to be clear..when I see him in a picture! Cause he is just a living memory and not literally a living person anymore, the same as he’s been for the past 2 years.

I remember us, lying on the same vintage wooden single bed that we used to cuddle in, in my room, with his fingers running through my hair and my skinny hands on his cheeks....trying to figure out the blushing glow on his pale pink skin. He was the most handsome guy I ever met. He had this perfect cresent smile with witty dimples and he used to laugh with his emerald green eyes that had an ombre teal shade too. It was too easy to fall for him cause he was the definition of perfect: so that’s what happened ........i obliterated the line I drew when I was 15 after my first breakup about never falling for a boy and tripped in the basket of love, right into his arms, I landed so smoothly that I didn’t feel the fall at that time ....which I so intensely and rather so spasmodically feel now.

I wonder what he would be doing now. Thats my single concern.

Would he be riding unicorns and living in cotton candy houses or would he be thinking about me...now that he’s free of his pain and sufferings.

He was sick for almost 5 years before he gave up and stopped fighting. His Adenoacanthoma sucked all happiness and left just a void.

The worst memory is the one thats on recently played in my mental playlist: its about a day I visited him in the hospital.

“Are you okay?”, I asked him.

“I love you.”,he expressed painfully from beneath his oxygen mask, his eyes all teary

“I love you too and you’re going to be okay.”

“No, I’m not!”

“Why would you say that?”

“I dont know ,I can feel it in my bones that its over”,his eyes staring into mine while I sadly gazed into his. His eyes had their own stars...and were still shining so I spoke, “There’s still hope baby” “No its dark.....i just want u to know that I love you, and I need u to promise me something.” “What is it?”

“Promise me you will live ur life and will complete your wishes..............”

“Don’t,”I couldn’t let him finish.

Well that was the end.......

I watched him go into his inevitably long sleep.....slowly closing his eyes......and the stars slowly fading into oblivion.

The way those stars stopped sparkling, my complete life changed. I cried endlessly for endless nights for endless months and still the pain wasn’t gone.

Well I suppose, a life full of pain was the only way to live with him because I was in love with a departed soul.

[aarchi-rathore1303]

Love that dare not speak its name

There I was.

Sitting in a balcony floodlit with sunshine ,yet hiding in the shadows of my past...basking in the gloom reality that my life had become. My heart was shattered into a million pieces and each piece pierced my soul with a different intensity. My heart muscles had a scar tissue named.....;well It doesn’t have a name.

My recklessly ambiguous self was bleakly staring into the trees in front of me....wondering if there could be a bird...just free and happy...the two feelings I haven’t felt in a very long time.

I feel entrapped by my feelings. When I need the good one‘s, they just go undercover and only the devastating ones cloud my mind...so many clouds and no rain: its like my tears have dried out.

Every time I see him, its just a sore hazy vision and shattered breathing, shivering toes and fingers, jittering teeth, difficulty in swallowing and that unbearable butterfly ruccous in my stomach....well to be clear..when I see him in a picture! Cause he is just a living memory and not literally a living person anymore, the same as he’s been for the past 2 years.

I remember us, lying on the same vintage wooden single bed that we used to cuddle in, in my room, with his fingers running through my hair and my skinny hands on his cheeks....trying to figure out the blushing glow on his pale pink skin. He was the most handsome guy I ever met. He had this perfect cresent smile with witty dimples and he used to laugh with his emerald green eyes that had an ombre teal shade too. It was too easy to fall for him cause he was the definition of perfect: so that’s what happened ........i obliterated the line I drew when I was 15 after my first breakup about never falling for a boy and tripped in the basket of love, right into his arms, I landed so smoothly that I didn’t feel the fall at that time ....which I so intensely and rather so spasmodically feel now.

I wonder what he would be doing now. Thats my single concern.

Would he be riding unicorns and living in cotton candy houses or would he be thinking about me...now that he’s free of his pain and sufferings.

He was sick for almost 5 years before he gave up and stopped fighting. His Adenoacanthoma sucked all happiness and left just a void.

The worst memory is the one thats on recently played in my mental playlist: its about a day I visited him in the hospital.

“Are you okay?”, I asked him.

“I love you.”,he expressed painfully from beneath his oxygen mask, his eyes all teary

“I love you too and you’re going to be okay.”

“No, I’m not!”

“Why would you say that?”

“I dont know ,I can feel it in my bones that its over”,his eyes staring into mine while I sadly gazed into his. His eyes had their own stars...and were still shining so I spoke, “There’s still hope baby” “No its dark.....i just want u to know that I love you, and I need u to promise me something.” “What is it?”

“Promise me you will live ur life and will complete your wishes..............”

“Don’t,”I couldn’t let him finish.

Well that was the end.......

I watched him go into his inevitably long sleep.....slowly closing his eyes......and the stars slowly fading into oblivion.

The way those stars stopped sparkling, my complete life changed. I cried endlessly for endless nights for endless months and still the pain wasn’t gone.

Well I suppose, a life full of pain was the only way to live with him because I was in love with a departed soul.