aashyr

[aashyr]

Loving the people who hurt you the most; navigating negative relatives

Assalamu'alaikum,

I was approached by someone on Tumblr to talk about this topic, and I'm very thankful for them for reaching out.

Our family is the one thing that usually is constant amidst the life circumstances; we tend to seek comfort and support from them. But unfortunately as nice as it sounds, a lot of us do not have that luxury to have supportive immediate family, and instead have a huge burden of enduring what their family tells them to do and act.

There are many types of dysfunctional relatives and so I will focus on a few here. Please bear in mind that these are my own definitions that I use help myself to categorise people with, and so it is not scientific.

The active one. They actively try to dismiss you, demean you and try to downplay your life, achievements and even existence. Actions from these type of people might range from sly comments to even physical and verbal abuse. This type of person leaves you feeling distraught and always on high alert. If you grew up with this type of parent/relative, you might have anxiety and either according to your personality, either a severe need to be as independent as possible or a massive people pleaser. In my case it is both haha.

The passive one. As the name indicates, they are passive. As a parent/relative they tend to either ignore or not really care about your well-being. Actions from these types of people might range from ignoring you, being too busy in their life to fulfill their social and mental responsibilities towards you to even being physicall being absent in your life. This type of person leaves you either feeling that they are like this due to your own shortcomings, or it might also morph into hatred and resentment.

The ambivalent one. This person is arguably the most devastating, they possess both characteristics from the active and the passive ones. This type leaves you always guessing on what they want from you, when they want something from you and why they want something from you. Furthermore, since they are always either detracting or attacking you, you most likely will be always on high alert, have trust issues with people, be secretive about your life, anxiety and even depression might occur. You might feel fine when they are nice to you (and even happy! Happy that you meet up to their expectations) but if something is wrong in their opinion, all the love and praise that was directed at you will be replaced with reprimands and punishments.

How do you tackle this as a person living with these types of people?

If I'm being honest, this is all entirely up to your circumstances. There comes a point where some things are not right to be tolerated. First I have to emphasise that most of the times parents might not understand the impact their words have on you, so voicing out your hurt and frustration the appropriate way according you way might be a good start.

If that does not work, or you know that this is more serious, you can build some coping mechanisms to cope with. I don't recommend this as you are alleviating symptoms and not rooting out the main cause, but not everyone has the luxury to avoid their parents/relatives fully or even partially.

Some coping mechanisms that I can think of are:

journalling and writing down every time you are hit with a bout of insecurity/sadness/hardship

confiding in someone who you really trust. Could be a coworker, friend, a sibling, the internet (but anonymously!). Sometimes we just want to vent and release what was inside our minds to feel better.

Make du'a everytime when an incident occurs. Du'a is one of the most powerful weapons a Muslim could have. Do not underestimate your Lord's love towards you.

Remove yourself from the situation, physically and mentally. This might be useful if you get suddenly angry due to the taunts and insults. Always try to be patient and courteous by default, but do not excuse rudeness and insults either. Sometimes the best way to win an argument is to not to speak and come back to it when you have calmed down and can converse more rationally.

But if things escalate, be aware my dear reader: you have the right to remove yourself and protect yourself from abuse. Allah has given you such rights and you have the right to claim for those to be respected. But arguing against the elders and using profane language to get the point through usually makes their resolve more stronger. Instead, being kind to them and use tactics that disarm them for your benefit.

But again, there is a limit to this. Do not excuse physical abuse and mental torture as being patient. There is a fine balance to it. Our lives have all kinds of different challenges, and they might come in as people or events. Either way, it is upto us on how we react and how we can minimise the toll that this has on our emotional and mental capacity.

I want to assure you, my dear reader, one thing. In the midst of the worst of the worst, Yunus (AS) in the belly of the whale made du'a. Saddened by his people, angered by his capabilities, he left his town as no one took notice of Allah's message. Imagine when he got swallowed by the whale, what a terrifying time it must've been: in the middle of the ocean, inside this big beast's stomach, pitch dark, hopeless of his general situation and low self-esteem due to his circumstances. And yet he supplicated to Allah for guidance and forgiveness. And he was granted his prayer from Allah, and when he returned to his people, they were some of the few civilisations in the Qur'an that accepted Allah's message readily. Yunus (AS) struggle was severe, but Allah also rewarded him for being courageous and trying his best. I hope we all take some of that courage from Yunus (AS) and fully rely on Allah.

If someone had said last year that I'd be in my current position, I'd be laughing. Would've said that "No way, I don't think so, I'm not good enough!" but here we are. Allah grants ease in the most unexpected ways, Allah relieves the pain in your heart when the right time occurs.

Hopefully this helped a bit, please make du'a as always.

[aashyr]

I have a confession

TW: depression

Today after a very draining day, I realised that I'm suffocating and need an outlet to take out all of my miseries. So here it goes.

I have had depression for the last 10 years and it is slowly but surely killing me one day at a time.

I do get to enjoy life and have my beautiful moments of happiness, but when bad days occur, it feels like I will never be able to recover from it. The good days are so good that I convince myself that I do not have something abnormal in me. But the bad days debilitate me, they destroy my ability to be grateful towards Allah.

In a way this is the reason and almost obsession with productivity, with God and with writing. I have inevitably convinced myself if I'm busy enough, pious enough and productive enough that I will eradicate this desperate presence in me.

Depression hangs over you like a dark secret. In fact, I am ashamed of being depressed. It is this debilitating fact in my life, the thing that denies me of living like a normal person. I see people walking and functioning the way they are and I'm amazed. There's such ease in their mannerisms, their thought and way of life! And here I am, sitting from the sidelines desperately trying to function on a basic level.

Ashamed is a mild word for what I feel, it runs so deep that even admitting it to my loved ones is not a chance. I'd not want to break their hearts, to see their faces saddened and hopeless. 'I will get through it, I will do it, this is nothing' I keep telling myself over and over. But it does not seem to be enough.

In times of desperation, Allah helps me. Remembrance of God helps me to ground myself, the tears start flowing when I complain to Allah about what my mind conjures up. But when I do fall from the practicing bandwagon, the guilt builds up.

'Why can I not keep up with simple prayers?'

'Why does reading Qur'an seem so tedious?'

'Am I a bad Muslim?´

What does soothe me in times of dire and extreme desperation is to tell myself that Allah never burdens anyone more than they can take. And that comforts me, maybe I am more stronger than I am. Maybe this is a sign to make a mark on this earth, so that I don't just dissolve into obscurity. Maybe Allah has better plans for me. Maybe I have to be of service and be kind for other people.

I tried to think of things like this: even when I feel like there is no one who loves me or cares for me, Allah does. And even when no one does, I should give more of me to others. Not in a doormat way, but as a kind person. Maybe that will erase my sins, maybe that will eradicate my sorrows.

InshaAllah today was just only a bad day, but Ramadan is approaching and I'm looking forward to it. I pray that my bad mood gets over and things look for better.

Thank you if you've read this so far, please keep me in your prayers.

[aashyr]

“Attachment to ِAllah is the real secret of detachment from the world.”

[aashyr]

“If a man loves a woman's soul, he'll end up loving one woman, but if he just loves a woman's body or face, all the women in the world won't satisfy him.”

[aashyr]

The sky holds me back. 

Every time I decide to jump out, the sky holds me back. 

It beautifully changes colours and matches my hues

representing my mind. 

The clouds block up the sky the entire day 

and make me such a beautiful sunset in the eve. 

With sunlight seeping through the cracks of the clouds

The shades of orange that meets the tint of white, 

creating a lost blue. I often hold back, and wait

I love watching the colours fade in and out, 

and how they blend into thin air. 

I stand at my window watching the universe play with its colours

like I always do.

I didn’t jump out, the skies held me in place, 

like they always do.

- trustonlystars | Jannie F.

[aashyr]

♡you dont always need a "reason" to be in pain. sometimes its just a bad day because its a bad day. that doesnt mean you dont deserve comfort. you dont need to be ashamed of your pain. you deserve comfort and love, as always♡

[aashyr]

“I have a million things to talk to you about. A million things we have to talk about. All I want in this world is you. I want to see you and talk. I want the two of us to begin everything from the beginning.”

—

[aashyr]

وَمَنْ يَتَّقِ اللَّهَ يَجْعَلْ لَهُ مَخْرَجًا وَيَرْزُقْهُ مِنْ حَيْثُ لَا يَحْتَسِبُ

And whosoever fears Allah, Allah will create for him a way out. And will provide for him from where he didn’t expect.

Via IslamicArtDB

[aashyr]

Ya Allāh give me the strength to bear these trials.

Ya Allāh give me stronger shoulders to carry the pain of this dunya

Ya Allāh give me the strength to wear a smile when all I feel to do is cry

Ya Allāh give my heart ease

Ya Allāh give me patience when I feel most anxious

Ya Allāh guide me onto you

امين أمين أمين

[aashyr]

Everyone takes what they want and falls asleep. We lie sleepless with a pounding heart and no relief.

[aashyr]

Isn’t it weird how you can actually feel the pain in your chest and stomach when something really hurts your feelings

[aashyr]

fairytales, dreams and stars the night sky was her favourite lonely and drunk on her thoughts weaving scenarios and wanting things that she knew she could never have but she knew she had herself her mind and her heart;  her thoughts and her dreams and nobody could ever take it away from her —she was happy just by the thought of it. that at least she had something that was hers to have. hers to keep.

[aashyr]

“The strongest among you is the one who controls his anger.”

- Prophet Muhammad (SAW) 

[aashyr]

فَبِأَيِّ آلَاءِ رَبِّكُمَا تُكَذِّبَانِ - 55:38

So which of the favors of your Lord would you deny? -

[aashyr]

آتي ہے دم صبح صدا عرش بريں سے

کھويا گيا کس طرح ترا جوہر ادراک!

کس طرح ہوا کند ترا نشتر تحقيق

ہوتے نہيں کيوں تجھ سے ستاروں کے جگر چاک

تو ظاہر و باطن کي خلافت کا سزاوار

کيا شعلہ بھي ہوتا ہے غلام خس و خاشاک

مہر و مہ و انجم نہيں محکوم ترے کيوں

کيوں تري نگاہوں سے لرزتے نہيں افلاک

اب تک ہے رواں گرچہ لہو تيري رگوں ميں

نے گرمي افکار، نہ انديشہ بے باک

روشن تو وہ ہوتي ہے، جہاں بيں نہيں ہوتي

جس آنکھ کے پردوں ميں نہيں ہے نگہ پاک

باقي نہ رہي تيري وہ آئينہ ضميري

اے کشتہء سلطاني و ملائي و پيري

#iqbalpoetry #Sadaegayeb #sunrise #morning #birds #morningwalk #photography #goldenhour

[aashyr]

Samosas? Kebabs? Pakoras? Chicken? Lamb? Unlimited curries? Biryani? Various rices? Potatos? Nan? Chappati? Trifle? Cheesecake? Kheer? Rasmalai? Falooda? - That is just day one of Ramadan and then we wonder why we can't stand up for 20 Rak'ats of Tarawih. We must be the only people in the world who have the skill to fast for 18 hours a day for an entire month and still end up gaining weight.

This is the month of the Qur'an not the month of the kitchen.

-Shaykh Mohammed Aslam

[aashyr]

Shaykh al-Albani رحمه الله:

“The one who collects books of knowledge is like the one who collects gold and silver.”

إقتضاء العلم العمل