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1 John 5:14

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I miss you and Yabu. Miss ko na manuod ng movie kasama ka. Gusto kita ihug saka ikiss :(

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I miss you. Everyday.

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Hello Caleb,

How are you? I miss you.

I’m sorry for everything. Sorry sa hindi magandang treatment ko for the last 2 years. Sorry if I was cold and distant. Sorry if di ko na sinasabeng mahal kita. I’m really sorry. Let’s work on this, Caleb. I can love you better now. Ako nalang ulit. Tayo nalang ulit.

Honestly, eto yung gustong gusto kong sabihin sayo.

Pero marami nang nagbago ngayon. :(

I had the best everything, happy family, healthy naman ako, nakuha ko yung post na gusto ko sa work, and I have you. But still, I can’t be happy. Dahil lacking ako nung pinakamahalaga sa lahat, which is close connection to Jehovah God, I felt so lost. So I took everything for granted. Which is wrong. Now, I pay the prize.

I experienced the most painful days of my life. Iba pala yung heart break pag matured ka na. If you see things in different perception now. Mas mahirap. Mas masakit.

Sinabe ko nga sayo, I was waiting for that day. I felt like sinayang ko yung 4 years ng buhay mo tapos di rin naman ako yung pakakasalan mo. I felt bad. I prayed na makahanap ka nung babaeng magmamahal sayo, the way you deserved to be loved. Because you deserve the best.

And that day came, someone got your interest. I didn’t expect that I will react like that, that I will be this hurt :( The most painful days of my life started. Gusto ko ikeep logins mo so I can see your convo with her, but it will kill me seeing you na may pinupursue nang iba. That is why I asked you to change your logins.

I lost my appetite. This is the first time it happened. Pero pinipilit kong kumain. Ayoko madagdagan pa yung problema at maapektuhan pa health ko. Almost everyday, umiiyak ako. I went back to our old convo, yung mga picture natin sa dating kong facebook, yung mga post ko sa twitter about us, binabalikan ko. We were so happy and in love. I miss that.

Bakit ko yun ginive up ng ganon kadali? With everything I am going through right now, I feel like I deserved it.

I had so many what ifs. What if di ako sumuko satin? What if nagcheck tayo ng ibang options to save us.

Pero nangyari na. I tried changing the narrative. Kung hindi to nangyari, I will still be the same Abby like before. Cold and distant. Mabilis magalit pag magseselos ka. Mas nasusunod palagi. Hindi nakikinig sa nararamdaman mo. Unhappy.

Studying the bible, I learned how to be a better person, better girlfriend and soon a better wife.

Ephesians 5:22-24 Let wives be in subjection to their husbands as to the Lord, 23 because a husband is head of his wife just as the Christ is head of the congregation, he being a savior of this body. 24 In fact, as the congregation is in subjection to the Christ, wives should also be to their husbands in everything.

If we continued us, without me going through everything, our marriage may be unhappy because of me.

You know what? I still imagine na gigising ako someday, katabi ka. Pero mas masaya na tayo. Mas alam na natin kung paano mahalin ng tama ang isa’t isa.

Real love is rare. What we had was so rare and beautiful. We talk things out. Kelan tayo nag away? As in away na may sinasabeng hindi maganda sa isa’t isa? Never. Yun ang pinakagusto ko satin before, we respect each other so much, our arguments are always reasonable.

“And maybe we got lost in translation. Maybe I asked for too much.”

Yep, that day came na bigla na tayong hindi nagkaintindihan. Pero if it never happened, if today never happened, things will remain the same.

Yung pictures natin, oo dinelete ko sa phone ko para makatulong sa mental health ko. Pero, nakasave lahat sa drive. Naka activate yung dati kong facebook, marami tayong pictures don. Pati dati kong instagram and yung twitter ko, marami tayong pictures don. If you still like to see, you may check it anytime, naka public naman yun.

In case you like to study the bible too. I won’t and we won’t force you to be a Jehovah’s Witnesses too. Gusto ko lang malaman mo yung mga pangako ni Jehovah para sa atin, kung bakit kinaya ko ilet go yung mga bagay na nagpapasaya sakin before. Kung bakit pinili kong baguhin yung way of living ko ngayon. It’s just a free bible course, if you like your questions to get answered. You may request a visit or be contacted, eto yung link.

https://www.jw.org/en/jehovahs-witnesses/request-a-visit/

I love you, Caleb. But I love Jehovah more. I know if I continue obeying him, he will bless my marriage. I will always want to marry you, but I want it to be blessed by him. Oo, maraming marriage di nagwowork kahit ano pa ang religion, kase nasa tao pa rin yun. Pero if we will always ask for his guidance, he will help us.

Narealize ko lang, I’m always fund of marriage. I’m working on to be a good wife soon. I know my decisions today reflects the life I like to live in the future. I’m praying you to be part of it. I like to build a family with you. Pero, I need to trust, Jehovah. Alam niya ang ninanais ng ating puso at sasapatan niya iyon.

Thank you for keeping me sane for the past 4 years! You made me feel loved and secure. Thank you sa mga food trip and staycation. I’m at my happiest state on those day with you. Thank you for helping me financially, I feel like you always got my back. I really appreciate it, Caleb. Thank you for loving my family.

Mamimiss ko sila tita. I hope and pray na lagi silang healthy.

“You'll never lose something that's meant to be yours, so loosen your grip. If it's yours, it'll never leave or it'll come back better than ever.” This helped me cope up with everything. I always like you to be mine, again. Pero I can’t force you and I won’t. But I am praying that maybe someday, it may happen.

Thank you for turning me into a better person. You thought me how to move on faithfully. Oo malungkot, minsan kailangan natin ng kausap, someone who will make us feel loved and appreciated. Pero I’m not ready yet, I like to open my heart kapag completely okay na ko. Ayoko makipag usap sa iba hangga’t di pa ko okay. Ayokong lokohin sarili ko. Cause I might bleed them if I’m still healing.

Please take care of yourself and stay healthy.

I love you, Caleb.

Love,

Abby

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Caleb, I still love you. :(

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I miss you.

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I miss you, Caleb.

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Today was supposed to be our 58th month together.

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Kamusta ka na, Caleb? Kamusta araw mo?

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I hope you will let me see you, talk to you, and hold you for one last time :(

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I miss you, Caleb.

Ang sakit sakit na. Ang hirap. Para akong mababaliw kakaisip. :(

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Indeed messy