abbythestrange

[abbythestrange]

Asking for last blessing this 2019

Lord, please let us have this one. Now that we know they are looking for 2, please let it be the two of us. Him and me. It would be the biggest blessing. Last thing I would ask for 2019.

[abbythestrange]

Let me have this one..

Please. Just give me this one. I am really nervous. I felt like I did not do good in my interview. I was just baffling out words. Please. Let me have this one. I would very much like to be a part of this company. Just please.

[abbythestrange]

Asking for clarity and peace of mind. A calm in the storms.

[abbythestrange]

I'm a big fraud.

Sometimes, I can't keep up with the lies I make myself believe. I am so tired of it. I wish I could just tell my mom everything without making her disappointed, mad, and angry with me. Ma, I wish I could tell you everything. I wish that there were no lies in the beginning so that we wouldn't end up in this situation. I wish that I hadn't lied before. I always wish how I could turn back time. If only I could. Please..

[abbythestrange]

“i need to learn to stop excuses for people’s behavior and how badly they treat me. just because i understand that you had a difficult childhood and bad parents doesn’t mean that it is okay for you to treat me like shit. your parents were bad people and didn’t love you like they should’ve, i am not sorry for that, it isn’t my mistake. i suffered the same fate”

— shraddha and friends // justscribbledwords

[abbythestrange]

See through my perspective.

It's easy for people to talk about me

When all they really know is just a bit of what I give

It's easy for you to judge me

When you never really stepped on my foot and did what I had to

I have a smiling face

Which masks all the sadness I keep from everyone

Do you really know what it's like to be me?

Would you want to?

What satisfaction would it give you?

My mom, she's not like the other moms

When she speak to me,

Her words cut thru me.

Every time that she will talk to me,

Is just another scratch on my feelings that I would polish so that no one would notice.

Mom, I hope you know how painful it is to receive those words from you.

I always try my best, you know.

But I guess you won't really understand me, if you haven't seen my miseries.

Dad, I wish I had you.

I wish I had someone to run to when things go rough with mom.

I wish there would be someone to take my side.

Not all the time, becauss I admit that I am at fault

But I don't deserve those harsh words from her.

I hope she knows how bad it hurts.

Mom, I know my mistakes.

And I know that I always disappoint you.

But you don't have to rub it in my face.

I wish you would see through my view.

I wish you'd understand what I'm going through.

Because of your reactions, is why I never got to tell you anything from what really bothers me.

I never got to tell you how scared I was when ai was about to take my own life.

I never got to tell you how lonely I am when Lola left.

I never got to tell you how I always needed your support.

I never got to tell you how much I wanted you to comfort me when someone extorted me.

There are many things that I never got to say or explained,

Because i'm scared that if you'd know, you'd be more disappointed.

I wish you'd peek through my lenses, and see how blurry my life is getting right now.

I know all of this would never take place if I had done things differently.

But we're already here, there's really no point in pointing fingers on who's at fault.

What I really need right now is support.

And I wish you could give me some, Ma.

Pa, I wouldn't bother you. I know I have never been a part of your life, and now that I've grown, there's still a part of me that wants to get to know you and get to meet you and get to tell you everything that I have accomplished and everything that I have failed to fulfill. But I know that looking for you and asking for your attention would hurt mom so much, that's why I never even tried to contact you. I also don't want to ruin your family. I hope you'd think about me sometimes, I hope that someday, somewhere, we could be a part of each other's lives.

I hope that someone would see through my laughs and smiles and get to know the real me.

It's not too much to ask, isn't it?

6319 21:42

[abbythestrange]

ANAWANGIN COVE, ZAMBALES.

So since the classes have ended, me and my friends planned on having a beach trip, anwhere that is feasible. HAHAHAHA. Talk about strict parents. Anyways, so we started planning this since March and I thought we'd never be able to fulfill that plan, but now, yay, we did it! We we're originally 7 to begin with but only 5 of us could make the trip (money wise and, you know, di pinayagan ng parents). So let's start.

We originally joined a tour on Facebook that offers an all-in plan, which is cheap and we've checked the reviews, the joiners enjoyed their stay. But unfortunately, 3 days before our scheduled day, our tour coordinator informed us that our tour may not happen on our scheduled day because she lack joiners. And so we opted to look for another tour agency that can accomodate us, but also prepared for a DIY travel. On computing, we estimated that DIY travel would be a little bit pricey than the tour, luckily we found another travel agency that can accomodate us. But, with our fortune slowly thinning out, that tour got cancelled again because of lack of joiners. So we ended up having a DIY travel.

I will not name the 2 travel agencies that cancelled our tour, luckily, Ate Chona of Zambales Backpackers accomodated us. You can say that it's still a tour just without the travel accomodations. We rode a bus going to San Antonio, Zambales at Monumento, Caloocan as instructed by Ate Chona. Once at the San Antonio, you should ride a tricycle going to Pundaquit Port, and there you will meet Ate Chona and she will take care of everything you need.

Ate Chona provided us the 3 meals, Lunch and Dinner on our first day then breakfast for the next day. Boat transfers, tents, mineral water and cooler with ice. The entrance fee to Anawangin Lake Resort is also included on Ate Chona's package.

The problem was, when we departed Manila at 11pm of May 7, they said that the travel time would take around 4-5 hours but to our surprise, we arrived at San Antonio, Zambales at around 2:30 am. Roughly only 3hrs and 30mins of travel time. When we got there, no establishments were open for us to spend our remaining time before the sun rises because we told Ate Chona we would arrive there at around 6am. Luckily, there was a 7 eleven store that is 24 hours and we stayed at a cottage in the plaza that is designated for tourists like us. It was really dark because it's only like 3am in the morning, not a lot of people were out, but we still felt safe being here than at 3am being in Manila. The tricycle drivers were very nice when we asked them about the place. They were really used to having DIY travellers there.

We just stayed there until 5:30 and ate breakfast at 7 eleven since the market opens at around 6am or even later than that. After eating our breakfast, we rode a tricycle going to Pundaquit where Ate Chona waits for us. Upon arriving there, we changed to our swimming attires because the Island Hopping would take place 1st before going to Anawangin Cove. We just waited for our cook to arrive from the market then we rode the boats.

Unfortunately, the weather was not really good on our 1st day. It was raining lightly and the wind and waves were strong that's why our bangkero advised us to sit out the Island Hopping. We may do it tomorrow before we go back to Pundaquit.

After around 30 mins boat ride, we finally arrived at Anawangin Cove. Oh. My. God. What a beautiful place! It is really a very brautiful place. (OA na daming beautiful na word). We rented a cottage to put our stuffs into before pitching our tent and because there's no signal or electricity there, the cottage will be your only source of light at 6pm-10pm, then after 10pm, they will turn off the generators and it will be very dark.

We proceeded to play volleyball and enjoyed the beach though the waves were very strong but still it was a beautiful experience. The sun was not so hot so hindi nakakaitim.

When we were tired playing and swimming, we went back at our cottage and put our stuffs inside the tent that Nanay, our cook, already prepared for us. She also told us that we can eat our lunch already, she's just waiting for the rice to cook. When we checked our phones, it was only 10am! 10 am! Time was very slow there but we were really enjoying our stay. We ate our snacks and did some stuff before eating our lunch at 11am. Then we proceeded with Kayaking at the lake. Very fun experience too. And took some good photos and enjoyed the scene. Super enjoy when I'm with those fools. HAHAHAHAHA.

We crossed the lake and took some more photos there, it was like a forest there at the other end of lake. And the shower areas where also located there. When we got tired, and the sun was already up, we decided to brave the Anawangin hill top and tried trekking. The trekking experience was tiring but really worth it. It was also scary at first because we don't have a guide but the trek uphill have a trail so you can do it by yourselves. When we reached the first level, we stopped there and admired the view. Then took some more pictures before heading down. When we're finally able to come down, we enjoyed the sandbar and the current that connects the lake to the beach. It was so fun, but I think that's where I got my sunburns. Painful. :(

After enjoying there, we had our meal again, ang takaw diba, then rest, before taking a shower because we decided to take a rest and swim on the next day na. We slept at our tents and woke up at 7pm in the evening and ate our dinner. We weren't able to put out our bonfires because it was raining, at around 9pm, it stopped raining so we had our mini bonfire. Played cards and drank beers and ate marshmallows. A lot of fun talks. Very relaxing and unwinding.

Until the strong wind and rain ruined everything that ended up soaking our tents and some of our stuff. The rain made it hard for us to sleep because our tent was wet, but we still managed to sleep despite everything that happened.

On the morning, we woke up at around 6am and enjoyed the beach again, then decided to climb the Anawangin hilltop again, but this time take it to the highest point. I wasn't able to come with them because i'm very scared and tired at the same time so I stayed at the 1st level. When we all got down, we enjoyed the sand bar again for a few minutes before heading back to our cottage and ate our breakfast. Then we were told that our boat was already there to pick us up so we hurried and showered and packed up our stuff and bid our goodbyes to Anawangin. We weren't able to experience Capones and Camara Island because the waves were still strong and it is not advisable to go there.

Overall experience, 9/10. The weather was just bad for us to enjoy our experience fully. But nonetheless, it was a very adventurous travel and very fun. Especially it was with my friends. Very liberating and unwinding. I would really want to go back there again some time. Thank you for the experience, Anawangin! You're a gem. 😊

[abbythestrange]

“What no one tells you about love: 1. It changes you. And you won’t always like the changes - you’ll look at the girl in the mirror and wonder what happened. Then your phone will start ringing and it will be them, that photo of them which makes you smile and all the wonders will become a fading memory in your mind. Every time, you will pick up the phone. 2. It doesn’t solve anything. If anything, it creates new problems. Suddenly you’re not just shouldering the weight of your own world on your shoulders, you’re shouldering the weight of your combined worlds and you’re happy to do it. But just because you’re happy to do it, happy to have twice as many bad days. You’re willing to go with the bad days just to make it to the really good ones. But that doesn’t mean that your eyes aren’t lined with exhaustion, that your shoulders don’t shake with the fatigue. You will go to sleep smiling and exhausted and for a while, that life - that life of going to sleep during the early hours of the morning, little spats and lame jokes, wondering if it was supposed to be this hard and marveling at how easy it is - will fill you up. 3. Nothing comes without complications. Not even love. And love is not compatibility. Because when they’ll need you when all you want is to be alone. There will be days when you want the stars and they’re ok on the ground. It will continue to go back and forth. You will be filled with questions. You will ask God, the universe, the stars and anything else that will listen to questions that nobody can answer but you. 4. You will make yourself ok with things that are not ok. You will contort your body and heart into something that they are not, something that people who are not in love (you, before love) would scoff at. Because love is not without sacrifice. And if it’s the first time, you won’t know what to sacrifice and what to keep hidden between your palms. 5. The good days are really good. The best, actually with more laughter and joy than you ever thought any single human being had a right to. Cookies at 3am, secret kisses in every dark corner you can find, shared looks in crowded rooms, whispered secrets in empty ones - the good days are so good that you are willing to deal with the bad. But now, bad is really bad. Bad is this lump in your throat that makes every breath like swallowing around a quarter. Bad is this perpetual haze of anxiety hovering over you. Bad is this thing you’ll do where you’ll compromise who you are because you’re afraid that they’ll leave. 6. And you never know if they’ll really stay. You are always afraid that if you are too much of yourself, too demanding about your space, about your secret corners and quiet afternoons, they will find someone else. Maybe the fear goes away. Maybe it doesn’t. 7. They will not tell you things. And there are things that you won’t tell them. Things that start building a space between you and them that neither of you knows how to break down. It is no man’s land and you are both trespassings on property that belongs to neither of you. 8. It is the best thing in the world. Despite every hard thing on this list, it is one of the best things you will ever experience.”

— What no one tells you about love // 16.11.2018

[abbythestrange]

I will no longer dim or shut off my light for people who have found comfort in darkness.

[abbythestrange]

forgiveness is for yourself. when the weight feels too heavy, unburden yourself by setting it down. forgive the mess. forgive the pain that’s searing in your heart. forgive yourself so that you can sleep at night without being haunted by pain. you deserve internal peace.

[abbythestrange]

What’s worse? How many times you broke my heart or how many times I let you?

-My loud thoughts

[abbythestrange]

KING OF CLINTASHA!

[abbythestrange]

KING OF CLINTASHA!

[abbythestrange]

Should've been there, but sorry, no.

Today marks the most special day for the students. It's their graduation day! 4 months ago, I also had the same excitement for this day. Before I received the news that I won't be marching with my batchmates this year.

Upto this day, I still cry whenever I think about what should've happened. I should have been there, with my mom, spending the rest of day smiling and being proud of what I have achieved. But no. In just one careless mistake, my life turned upside down. I wasn't able to graduate on time, when I believe I should have. I was deprived of this chance to graduate today, to celebrate with my batchmates. When after all that has happened, I shouldn't have experienced being delayed because I could've taken that subject with the offered class within our program. But no, it's like fate has been playing me. Fate had to do it, fate had to delay me and ruin with my plans.

Everyday, I feel sorry for myself for being the less of a daughter I shouldve been for my mom. I don't want to disappoint her again. I want her to be proud of me again. I want her to feel the joy that my batchmates parents are feeling as of the moment. I want her to be here when I climb those stairs to the stage and receive my diploma.

I feel jealous of my friends whenever they talk about their plans, because I know that I'm no longer part of those plans. But to make myself better, I just smile and accept it. Accept that soon, my time will come. And I hope that they too, will rejoice with me just as I did with them.

[abbythestrange]

[abbythestrange]

[abbythestrange]

Often, but firm.

Often in life, I decide things that are beyond my capacity to do so.

I give my piece on matters that are not beneficial for me, but for others.

I carry responsibilities that I shouldn't have carried earlier than was expected.

I matured early, in short.

I became someone that I am not ready to become yet at the age of 10.

I did everything to keep me sane from all of this stresses surrounding me.

But more often than not, I also lose myself in these things.

I lost the person I once was.

I lost my faith on some things that I once believed in.

Questioning myself and my God, is this a challenge you want mw to take?

Or is this Your way of telling me to give up because You have plans for me?

How would I know? When all my life I have forced myself to do everything that would make things right. Even if losing myself in the process. Even if I have to get hurt every step I take.

This was the only thing that I asked for every single night. Why would You take this chance away from me? Am I that undeserving?

More often than not, I would fight for something that I believe I deserve to. But when I give up, I want it to be firm. For me to no longer hurt and feel the pang of sadness and rejection all over again.