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[ablebuns]

To My Big Brother...

Dear Mercer,

First I just want to say that I love you. I love you so much. Since the day I came to the Tower you have been such a wonderful person and an inspiration to me. In all my years I never got to have a brother who cherished and supported me through every decision I made, every mistake I made and every hardship I faced. I never thought I would have someone like that in my life and you have given me that treasure.

I thought it best to spend time putting all of my thoughts on paper instead of trying to blurt them out all at once as we have seen how well that goes. But anyways, I wanted to write you this letter to express that I am sorry for the way I acted towards you. It was wrong and I should have known better, but I let my emotions blind my actions and then expressed them In the most unhealthy of ways. So, I wish to express them a bit more here, but in a calmer and more thought out way...

In all honesty, I have been extremely worried about your well-being and your state of mind ever since before you all got sent to the First. But, I could not bring myself to confront you more about it. I was scared. I just desperately wanted to know what was on your mind. I wanted to help.

Admittedly, I have grown to become jealous of your partners. You seem so comfortable and open with them about things you struggle with. I couldn't help but notice how much they improve your mindset and mood. I kinda just wished I could have that same effect, not romantically of course. Lately, I have been in my head and have started to believe that you not being so open with me meant that I was somehow a bad sister. I know that is not the case but still, I started to believe the lies my brain started feeding me. Anxiety and depression soon started to follow. I thought that I was somehow making your problems worse. And in the end... I was sad that I was too scared to tell you these things.

I want to be there for you, the same way you have been for me. But, it always seems like the more effort I put in, the more I end up adding to a problem, rather than fixing it. I'm sorry for that. I want to work harder to be better, but at the same time I’m scared that in by doing so, I push people away. I don't want that. I don’t want to keep pushing you away and I feel like I have done that so much as of late. I do not want to lose you. You are my brother. You are the person I admire most in this world. I love you and cherish you dearly.

If what you need is space, I'll give it to you. Whatever it takes to get things right, if that is even a possibility. I want to work to be a sister you can be proud of. One that you can always come to in times of need. 

I do not wish to continue being someone who adds onto your problems, but someone who can help you through them.

I love you so much big brother. You are the most amazing man I've ever known. I hope you read this and heard my heart. It was hard to work through the muck of emotions I've dealt with. I will get better, for you and, more importantly, for myself. 

Your dear little sister, 

Able Buns 

[ablebuns]

Dear Me...

So many times have I tried to do this... So many times I have failed miserably... The words never seemed to flow right. They never seemed to meld in the ways I had envisioned. It was all a jumble of memories and thoughts, but this time I know I can do this... It’s time...

“Dear Me,

  It took a very long time for me to write this to you. I know things right now are tough for you and things are scary for a little girl who just lost the one she loved more than anything, but listen to me for just a moment? I want to tell you a story...

  There once was a beautiful maiden who lived in an ivory tower. She was strong and courageous, but it was not always so. Earlier in her life she experienced heartbreak after heartbreak, loss after loss, and in her mind she thought that the pain would never end. She thought that instead of bearing all of that pain, she could just outrun it. She thought she could put it in the back of her mind and hide from it for forever, but she couldn’t. It followed her and matched her every step, running with her and tugged at her each and every day, telling her to just...stop. It kept pleading with her but still she ran away... 

  She ran faster and faster until one day she came upon a place she had never seen before, a tower made of the purest ivory. For most they would be amazed at the mere sight, but she thought nothing of it at first. “It is just a place for me to stay for a few nights before I continue running...”, the maiden had said. But when she arrived she was greeted by so many wonderful people. They welcomed her in and offered her food and safety without asking for anything in return. “Oh they’ll turn around soon enough. They would never accept me. Eventually, my pain will catch up with me and they’ll see it. They’ll tell me to leave. It is only a matter of time..” But, that time never came for the young maiden. They never once told her that her pain was wrong or too much. They never shrugged her away, but instead encouraged her and told her that they accept her, faults and all. The maiden was baffled. “But how? How when I am nothing but a walking pile of sadness and despair?” Turns out, they were hurting too. They all were. Each and every one of them had something in their lives that they wished they could outrun. Regrets and pain were commonplace, but they did not let that defeat them. They continued to push onwards and live. She admired them greatly. 

  In time, she grew to cherish these people and love them. They became family. From the ashes of her old life grew a new one. She had a brother she could come to at any moment to talk to about her worries and doubts, a sister who supported her through everything, fought for her and encouraged her to not give up on her dreams. She had a friend who taught her that sometimes you just needed to take a breath and let the world in. She found love again, when she had all but abandoned the idea that she could ever be loved for who she was. 

  Through all of her hardships, she once again found a place where she belonged. She found hope. She found meaning. Most importantly, she found that hurt and pain was not something that needed to be hidden or abandoned. She didn’t need to outrun it. She accepted her mistakes and her faults and learned that these are all lessons in life. They were lessons that shaped and molded her into a stronger and wiser woman than she was before.

That woman...is you, Kahlua. You are strong. You are wise. I know things right now are hard, but push forward. Do not give in. Just stop...Take the world in and grow. You are not your mistakes. 

This is your story. You tell it the way you want to and to whoever you want to. Your life is yours to shape however you see fit. You are blessed beyond measure, and your life is only getting started...and it is only getting better. You will be happy. Just hang tough for a little while longer.

Please... Please.

Sincerely,

Kahlua Sylvil’ga, Wizard of Mysterium, Flower of Strength