ablognoonereads

[ablognoonereads]

Spy

If I were a spy, the first thing I would do, is hide the wire in my knitting yarn because no one would ever look there. We’d be in the middle of a normal conversation about how the coke is transferred and who our guy is on the inside, and I’d casually remove my knitting from my tote bag and take advantage of some of the down time to catch up on my scarf.

Suddenly, one of the bad guys would get suspicious because he’d notice that although I’m always knitting, my scarf never gets any longer.

The other bad guy who is also my boyfriend (we’re really just sleeping together) would come to my defense and say that I’m still just learning. And that knitting, despite its recent spike in popularity, can actually be quite challenging.

Then the first bad guy would grab my needles and say, “How do I know these aren’t really microphones?” I’d grab the ball of yarn and let him inspect the needles.

Then - to give the guys in the van (who I’m also sleeping with) the signal, I’d say, “What? Knitting needles that are also microphones? What are you? in-scane?” And then we would all laugh because a few of the guys whose mothers knit would know that the yarn ball is also called a “scane.”

Obviously, “scane” would be the go word, and the van would spring into action.  

[ablognoonereads]

Mixed-Metaphor Man Psyches Up The Company

Last night, at the stroke of midnight, I acquired 51% of Helmsly Finch and Bradley. As the new captain of the ship, I’m excited to grab the reins and dig in. If we all band together, no one - and I mean no one - is going to find themselves out in the cold walking the plank.

I’m not going to dance around it. We’re on thin ice. But rather than stand there shaking in our boots, we are going to take that old albatross, cast it by the wayside, and begin our Phoenician rise from the ashes. Where are we rising to? That’s a good question. We’re shooting for the moon here, people. And once we reach it, I am going to be on cloud 9.

Now, many of you have been asking about the dogfight ahead. This is a crucial time. We’re have to hit the ground running and put the pedal to the metal with a lead foot. And when the rubber meets the road, we’re not punting. Oh no. We’re biting the bullet and battening down the hatches because we’ve got a couple more at bats here and believe you me–– no one on this team is going to let the clock run out. No sir. We’re all in.

We’ve got our right foot in. We’ve got our left foot in. We are doing the Hookie Pokie and we’re turning ourselves around. Because that’s what it’s all about.

I can see the checkered flag waving at the end of the tunnel. Incidentally, there is also a light at the end of that tunnel.

Can you feel that big wind blowing? Most of it is beneath our wings. There is, though, some wind that is not beneath our wings and if it’s not there, it’s either at our backs or in our sails. And you know what? We’re going to run like it and I know which way it’s blowing.

Now, I hear you guys knocking and you’re coming in. You’re saying, “wake up and smell the coffee!” And yes, I can read the writing on the wall so i’m just going to put this out on the table: on the off-chance that there IS a fly in the ointment and the pieces don’t come together… when we hear the buzzer ring, we’ll take it on the chin, in stride, standing tall. Everyone will tighten their belts, keep their heads down and put their noses to the grind.  With their feet shoulder width apart.

[ablognoonereads]

Terrible Pick Up Lines

Say, do you have a quarter? Because there’s one of those metal claw machines in the lobby, and I’ve got a hankering for some plush toys.

Hi there. Can I buy you some nachos? Because I’ve got some terrible breath right now and I think  the nachos would cover it up. Plus, you’d get free nachos.

Excuse me, but I just wanted to go ahead and say “bless you” for the next time you sneeze incase you sneeze alone in your apartment.

Did someone say REPUBLICANS? EEWWWW! Gross, where? Those people can keep their guns and their tax breaks and their fear-mongering news because what I like to do is make love in the moonlight.

Hey there. Do you have a cat? Because I have bag. What do you say we put your cat in my bag and we let the cat out of the bag and tell people we don’t know where the cat is if they ask? I couldn’t help but notice you have a little tiny red straw in your drink. You may already know this, but Twizzlers to do the same thing and then you can eat them when you’re done with your drink.   You probably have a boyfriend, but I’m hoping he’s the kind of guy who would just assume that I’m wearing a gun holster under my sportscoat and would see me talking to you and then go sit in the car because he don’t want no trouble. Pardon me, but do you know how to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, because  I think our kids are going to love them. And, since I plan to be an absentee husband and father, you’re gonna have to make them all by yourself. Excuse me, do you know how to sew? Because you’re tearing a hole in my heart. No. Like seriously…I’m having chest pains. There’s this tightening…oh fuck. oh fuck. Help me get this tie off. Jesus.

[ablognoonereads]

The Amish Town of East Strasburg, PA Welcomes You!

Hello! Welcome to the East Strasburg Chamber of Commerce website – open 24 hours!!

  Thank you for your interest in our town! This site will help you unlock the secrets of East Strasburg so you can discover for yourself why East Strasburgians like to call this little patch of land…heaven! And, you’ll also find many reasons why visiting East Strasburg is a much, much better choice than going and spending your hard-earned dollars in our neighboring, more crowed, and to be honest, (which we always are here) crappy town of New Petersburg. 

Oh, where do I even begin to lay out the multitude of great reasons to visit East Strasburg!?

Let’s start with charm. We both know nothing says “big city getaway” more than spotting a horse and buggy trotting along down the road. If that’s the scene your big city cameras are after – man, are you going to love East Strasburg! We have a TON of them. Literally.  They are everywhere. And, for a limited time, our Amish come with FREE root beer. That’s right. I said free. You might be wondering, “how do I get this free root beer?” Well, it’s simple. We’ve outfitted our Amish buggies with coolers and they’ve each been instructed to distribute the root beer to anyone who pulls up to them in a rental car. That means you – so enjoy! You’re never going to get that kind of service over in New Petersburg. 

What about the quilts you say? Well, if you’re wondering about our quilt quality, wonder no further. We have 16 high quality quilt stores in the area, each tended by an ancient (practically decrepit) town elder. For these women, quilting is a way of life, and nothing – nothing besides bringing their eyesight back – would give them greater joy than helping you pick out the perfect quilt for you and your family. But, if you’re not careful. You might take away more than just a high-quality quilt. Each of our wizened elders comes with 2 to 3 life lessons for you to keep, enjoy and pass on to future generations. Just like your quilt!!!! And, you didn’t hear it from me, but I think the quilts in New Petersberg come from a little place I like to call China. Whoopsie! Did I just write that on the information super-highway? Whelp. I guess that’s no longer a secret!

Next. Accommodations. 

Rural farmhouse b&b, schmural farmhouse b&b! There’s nothing more annoying than having to make pleasant conversation with strangers over some mediocre blueberry crumble. We have a Hampton Inn here in East Strasburg where you can opt to dine in your room or make pleasant conversation in the lobby over a free continental breakfast! And did somebody say WAFFLE MAKER? I think they did.

So. What else are you going to do in East Strasburg that you're not going to get to do New Petersberg? I'll give you one little hit: WE HAVE A FUCKING WATER PARK! With slides. They have mini golf. Why anyone would prefer to play a diminutive version of the most boring game ever made is beyond me. Simply beyond. 

Also, we have a vast array of non-smoking wildlife. 

[ablognoonereads]

Harrold The Murderer

It was finally a dark and stormy night. Harrold The Murder had been watching the weather report all week waiting for the perfect evening to kill. "Murder Weather" was what he called it and the seasons were at LAST beginning to turn. As he sharpened his knives, he happily thought of the surprise that would be on his victims' faces as he plunged away at their soon to be lifeless carcasses. "Something unpredictable....but da da da da da! I hope you had the tiiiiimmmme of your lifeeee.....," he hummed.

It was his favorite song.

  Finally, Harrold was ready to go. He selected the perfect knife and wrapped it in a dingy old blood stained rag from CRATE & BARREL where, incidentally, all tea towels are currently up to 40 percent off and the more you buy the more you save. Mention this short story! Anyway, Harrold wrapped up his knife and headed for the door. Suddenly, his phone rang. He jumped. He had completely forgotten he'd whimsically set the ringer to  "Old Car Horn." Usually, Harrold preferred the peaceful strumming ring or the soothing cricket chirp - though, lately, he had found the cricket chirp hard to hear.

  He put down his murder backpack containing the knife, some duct tape, a bit of rope, and because of the game "Clue," a bent lead pipe. "Hello? This is Harrold." Harrold said, annoyed.  There was a clicking sound on the other end of the line and then a thin, crackly voice came through. "Hello Sir, how are you doing this very good evening? Yes? I am calling with a very special offer for you and a friend. You, sir, are pre-qualified for a visit to Wally's Hot Springs Time Share Resort located in beautiful Gardnerville, Nevada. Let me ask you, sir, are you familiar with the wonderful healing properties of our hot springs?" Harrold slumped down in a chair and took his backpack off. Wally's Hot Springs were legendary and only a fool would pass up an opportunity to visit. Murdering would have to wait. "Yes. I'm familiar. Go on."

[ablognoonereads]

Horriblescopes

Aries:

I've said it once and I'll say it again. Aries, stop making smoothies so early in the morning! Your mixer is loud and your roomate's room is right off the kitchen. It's not his fault you decided to "cut down on some costs" by renting out the dining room.

Tarus:

Guess what, Tarus? You and fellow signmate, Bono, are in for an exciting August. He's heading to Africa with Oprah Winfrey to create a school for impoverished children of war. And YOU are going to find enough quarters to complete 3 dry cycles. Damp socks and towels? Not this month!

Gemini:

Forget it, Gemini. This is no month to start taking chances. It's almost fall! Just put your shorty-shorts back in the drawer where you keep them and pretend you didn't see them. If you're hot - go to a movie.  No one is asking to see more of your leg hair.

Cancer:

Something spectacular is going to happen this month, Cancer! Never mind that it's not happening to you. Some people don't like to sit idly by watching their peers and co-workers rise to unprecedented levels of success. You do! Also, I'm finished with these fries and I'll take the check when you get a chance. 

Leo:

Like your career and your love life, Leo, your financial woes aren't going anywhere fast. Oh what's the matter? Not even a birthday card from your parents this month? Relax. You were just going to buy weed with the enclosed check and we both know it. 

Virgo:

It's amazing what can happen when you put your mind to it. This month, it's....Spoon Bending! Hold the spoon at eye level and concentrate. There you go. Remember, quantum physics tells us that all matter is made up of atoms and those atoms are vibrating and yadda yadda yadda. 

Libra:

How do you do it Libra? For you, success is a drug and you just can't help being addicted! Wait a minute. Is it success you're addicted to? Or is it just meth? That's what I thought. If I were you, I'd start by admitting you have a problem. 

[ablognoonereads]

Home Depot Diary

Dear Diary,

As you know, I’ve been doing many, many interesting things lately.  Since Hal left me for that hussy waitress, I’ve had the place to myself and I can’t tell you how much better things are without him here!!! Well, actually. You’re my diary - I can tell you anything!!!

So, to kick off my new found freedom, I decided some home improvements were in order. Hal always insisted on doing everything himself so when I walked into Home Depot for the first time, I had no idea where to find anything! 

Luckily, I met the most wonderful woman named Sherri in the paint department. Sherri knew everything about paint! I joked that since she was such an expert, she might come over and help me paint the living room on Saturday because I was new to home improvements and lived all alone - unless you counted my amazing indoor hot tub that was perfect for two, but a little lonely for one. 

Sherri just threw her head back in laughter said it was silly to discuss painting if I didn’t have a color picked out just yet, so I followed her around the paint section and wouldn’t you know it! We looked at just about every paint sample. It took hours, but the time really just flew by! I have never had such wonderful customer service. (Thanks Sherri!!!) I finally settled on a color called “Paris Green.” It’s a beautiful shade, and I told Sharri it was perfect because I’d always wanted to go to “Gay Par-iee” and again she threw her head back and just laughed and laughed and asked me if there was anything else she could help me with.

I was about to say no, but then Sherri reminded me that if I wanted to paint I needed a tool belt. At first I was confused, but she gently held her hand over my lips and said, “Shhhhhh. I’ll take care of it.” And then she took me by the hand and silently led me to another section of the store.

I mean, who was I to argue with a semi-professional painter?

[ablognoonereads]

A Day At the Dome

It was the first day of summer according to the biodome clock, but Harry hadn’t felt the seasons in at least 3 years. He had agreed to be part of a top-secret government experiment and was both thrilled and honored when he was chosen. The last year had been difficult -  no one to talk to, except the plants and the animals which, of course, he had to kill occasionally for food. 

He had eaten his own feces to get here and nothing – nothing was going to stop him now. Not with only 3 months to go.

One day, just as he sat down to go over some important charts, he heard a voice calling to him from just beyond the Septic tank.

"Harry…"

He looked up startled.

"Harrrrrrrry," it called again.

"Who’s there? I’m Harry. I’m in a top secret government experiment where I’m the only person living here in this biodome in an effort to examine the effects of neanderathalism when imposed on today’s modern man!"

Just as he was about to yell out again, he saw a woman who looked like Christie Brinkley – no --- it was Christie Brinkley appear from behind a palm frawn. She was naked except for the fig leaves covering her boobs and coochie-area.

"Harry. They told me to come find you. There’s been a terrible accident."

Harry’s eyes narrowed and he cocked his head to the side the way dogs do when you’ve hidden their treats. He instinctively knew it was a trap. Before he had gone in, he and the other scientists had decided that if for any reason the experiment needed to be ended, they would send Tom Hanks dressed in a FedEx uniform to inform him of the change.

“Tom Hanks couldn’t come,” she said. “He was super-busy working on a new pilot.”

Knowing very little about the television pilot business, Harry decided that an insanely talented, not to mention extremely handsome (no homo) man like Tom Hanks most likely was, in fact, busy working on his tv show. WHY!? WHY had this not occurred to them before they had picked him as the messenger! Why couldn’t they have chosen someone who they would be sure wasn’t working like Oliver Platt?

“I need you to show me where you store the uranium.”

Harry slowly nodded and motioned for Christie Brinkley to follow him to the green house. He approached slowly. Carefully. 

He covered the secret PIN code with his hands incase she was looking.

“I’m totally not looking. You don’t have to be so paranoid!” she said casually knocking her hair off her shoulders with both hands, the way you do if you’re wearing a wig that was purchased as part of a disguise to fool a man who was part of a biochemical experiment.

Harry slowly pressed the numbers 8-6-7-5-3-0-9 while he hummed that song.

Then he flung back the doors to the greenhouse. There was no uranium. There were only geraniums! Then he started to laugh. He laughed so hard at the simple word-play mix up joke, he thought he might die right there!