aboardthessbae

[aboardthessbae]

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Fifth trip report: Home 100ug LSD tab 25 June 2017 Self Took the tab at ID10T midday so I would still be peaking for Madeon whose set ended at 11. I was there alone, surrounded by people of all ages. As I came up, I kept repeating to myself to calm down because of how extremely easy it was to be overwhelmed there; I've never put big sarah so out of her element and on display. It was horrifying honestly, the knowledge that I could easily get caught on this drug. During the comeup, I passed a VR booth where they let people play a puzzle game with the goggles. After some consideration, I sat down at the end of the queue to play. I was so embarrassed when it was my turn because I was shivering and shuddering, so the left and right controllers on the screen everyone else was looking at were shaking a lot. The puzzle itself was so difficult for me because I felt so disoriented. One of the features of the game was teleportation because you can't physically move around too much and man oh man was that something else entirely. I never got the puzzle done because in my state, that was asking way too much of me even though in reality it was a simple task. I began to trip hard, and as much as I told myself to stay calm, I knew that would not be possible. I was surrounded by swarms of people, billions of judging eyes scrutinising my behaviours and waiting to get me in trouble. I was alone, already a pretty strange sight to see a solo attendee let alone the fact that she's tripping major balls. I was listening to music, and for the first time in a long time, I let myself be washed over by Porter's music. Scared of losing touch with reality and appropriate social conduct and knowing I wanted to let it overcome me and that my typical response would be overly conspicuous, I walked as quickly as I could to the bathroom and locked myself into a stall. During this entire time, I was typing down my thoughts as I typically do, and most of it at that moment was my paranoia that I wasn't acting normal. But I realised all I was doing was staring down at my phone typing as I walked to my next destination as quickly as I could and that in doing so, I was acting normal. That is so typical of people, maybe an extreme example, but still, just trying to get to their next task or their next conquest or their next source of what passes as happiness before they get their fill and are bored, staring down at their little screens and giving no time nor attention to the world around them. When I got to the bathroom, I began to sob, and I created a shelter for myself in that horrible little public bathroom stall. I quickly put down toilet seat covers, but found that sitting on the toilet further confused my body and its needs and functions. I climbed onto the tiny toilet paper dispenser attached to the left wall and put my feet up on the opposite wall's trash can. I began to heavily regret tripping in such a majorly public scene, feeling like I abused my beloved Lucy, and was dangerously considering staying in that stall for the rest of the day till Jai Wolf and Madeon. Alex got to the venue with his cousins. I convinced myself that to make the most out of the day, I'd have to enjoy the moment over the drug, even if it meant I couldn't listen to my own music. I asked myself when I would allow myself to listen to my music. And my answer was home. But what I had to settle for as home was either the bus back or Matt's house. And I realised, yes those are safe places, but they aren't home. My music is what makes a place home to me. I went to join them. I watched Alex buy something from someone, which was so strange. He asked the seller "How much for this?" "10 dollars" "Okay," and he handed him 10 dollars. I was baffled at the idea of monetary values. This useless piece of green paper that we collectively decide has some set worth that we use to exchange for real goods. It seemed such a foreign concept, though it's the only way I've known all my life. How does something that unnatural have so much hold over our lives, from the moment we're born to the moment we die? Being with Alex and his cousins, I felt the courteous thing to do was to be social and stay in conversation with them, but it was so overwhelming on top of the thousands of conversations that were already going on in my head. I had to remind myself that I can make myself alone whenever I want. It was strange that I was able to hear every word around me clearly and comprehend none of it. My inner voice seemed to drown out their meanings. It was so easy to get overwhelmed, anxious, frightened, and my mind would run in messy circles, amplified by the anti-introvert environment. But when I let myself listen to my music, it became my sole focus, all I could accept as existing as it left no room for anything else I could perceive or conjure. One of the most strikingly new opportunities this trip and my environment allowed me was the ability to observe people—friends, individuals, crowds— up close. And as uncomfortable as it made me, it intrigued me that much more. I knew that I'd feel perfectly fine around other animals, beings we can define as part of nature, but man? Man is so evolved, the species separated itself from nature, became wretchedly intelligent enough to dictate thoughts and motives and behaviours that go beyond mere existence. I wished so much for it not to be illegal to be on acid in public because all I wanted was to be outside but still be allowed to have my primal hysterical reactions to music. I love sobbing to music, it's a physical release of all the emotion I experience when listening, which is also why I feel compelled to heave and purge when that release comes to a peak. I realised that I actually love being emotional, having the ability to experience a wide range of emotion; it's one of the many privileges of being more than an animal. I felt like it was a waste to not use that ability and harness it to express myself. I compared myself to how I used to be, thinking it was pathetic to be empathetic, but I came to decide if empathy is at all part of the reason music moves me so deeply, it's serendipitous. I think a lot of my understanding of the way people think and behave comes from my own experiences being on multiple edges of the human persona spectra. I kept yearning to somehow maximise, capitalise my time, thinking I needed to make every moment meet its potential. I felt as though all around me was undulating, pushing and pulling my helpless self and controlling my circumstances. It was new, I was so used to being able to force things my way because I was alone. It was terrifying, and it stoked more internal chaos. But I realised that every moment is already at its best potential, I can be at my maximum happiness without changing my surroundings or circumstances but by changing my perspective. Then the fear turned to entertainment, and I started having fun just living. It was strange focusing my energy onto the external rather than the internal, felt as though I was a matterless spectre perceiving all things, an outside observer. The guilt that I felt before over having put Lucy on extreme display and throwing her into a sea of this strange alien species taught me a lot about Lucy and myself. I saw that I trip as a way to escape from people, that my sense of isolation is partially responsible for my superiority complex, why I see everyone as a plebeian. In the tent, I first thought festivals were just a mass gathering, a reminder, of human filth, but I constantly brought myself back down and prevented myself from believing I was better by reminding myself that just like me, everyone else is trying to maximise on their time and enjoyment too. When I engrained that idea in my head, criticism turned into observation, and observation turned into admiration. I stopped seeing people as cockroaches and began to really appreciate that they just want to have fun in their own ways. And when everyone's focused on having a good time and sharing that time with others, there is no malicious intent and people aren't so bad. And everyone looked so beautiful, exotic. Humans appeared as crafted creatures, each one so different from the last. This appreciation extended itself to individuals too. Usually I do a lot of introspection, study and learn about myself, but I was now trying to grasp the essence of who people were, especially the people in my life. I marvelled in the idea that sharing even a single moment with someone means you know at least a small part of him. I found meeting people so phenomenal—here's the same creature as the 7.3 billion minus one rest of you, and yet it's not the same creature at all because this thing has its own past and life paths, likes and dislikes, dreams and thoughts, ideas and outlooks, and I wondered how we are this diverse. I was a little sad to know I wasn't able to reach that transcendence and clarity and feel clever, but all I really cared about was music, so it was okay. Any trace of regret that remained was decimated the moment Jai Wolf came on. I made my way to the front of the crowd, where I could see his face as he created the art that I was consuming all at once. I was astounded by this creation I was witnessing as if it were a gift just for me. I was basking in the present and the present. As Like It's Over came on, memories of my first trip spilled into my mind and forced out more tears. When I experienced my first trip's egodeath, I was alone, inconsolable till I heard Like It's Over. It felt as though it somehow extended itself to me and enveloped me, and my devastations subsided, overcome by oneness and a quiet, serene kind of beauty. When Jai Wolf played it, I was overwhelmed by the privilege I had of experiencing that moment at such a deeply personal level. Jai Wolf's set ended, and I made it even farther forward to see Madeon. A lot of the time being there with Madeon made it feel like I had the gift of reliving Shelter Live. I was so happy to be drinking in his music next to a friend I made who was as much of a fan as I am. As Madeon performed right there in front of me, I laughed because I felt as though I was marrying him. As I searched for words throughout the day, forming coherent, maybe even eloquent, sentences felt as though I was flipping through my mind's dictionary at a rapid rate, scanning for the exact word I needed to wordsmith my thoughts. Getting back to Matt's was such a struggle. I walked to the bus stop to catch my bus, which was late, making me think I was stranded for a while. The bus ride was a few hours long, and my phone was barely on with its battery in the single digits. I worried about how Matt would pick me up from the bus station so I asked him for his number to memorise and use someone else's phone to call him when mine died. I quickly figured out that memorising a string of ten numbers in my state was a challenge so I used sign language, thinking it was at least worth a shot to use muscle memory. My phone's lack of battery brought up many dilemmas. I needed to keep it on for as long as I could to savour my music. I also was finally in a dark and relatively solitudous place and allowed to think. I came to great epiphanies and as a greater achievement still, I managed to connect all these ideas together in the most satisfying and encapsulating way. These ideas and connections and the significance of them all are lost to me now because as much as I wanted to, I knew I couldn't afford to write them down. My phone finally gave out and I was forced yet again to make the most of my situation, on a bus playing music I disliked. When I got to the bus station, I borrowed someone's phone to call Matt, who came to get me promptly. I froze while I waited and deeply regretted not bringing a jacket, but when I saw Matt and Josh pull up, waves of relief and comfort and triumph came over me. I was proud of myself for proving my ability to take care of myself or at least find ways to keep myself alive for a day on acid in a strange, unbeknownst place called the Bay Area. The morning afters of my trips usually span at least a day but this one only lasted the morning as I lied in bed staring up at the ceiling, not even writing my report because I couldn't bring myself to. It ended when I got myself out of the room and was greeted by Matt and Josh downstairs. Having friends around really numbs the usual dense pain of loneliness that comes after Lucy has gone.

[aboardthessbae]

Shelter

Fourth trip report: Shelter 100ug LSD tab 8 April 2017 Self Took the tab on the way to the arboretum. Even though about 20-30 minutes in, I started to feel the comeup; part of that also includes frantic thoughts that it isn't going to be strong enough. And I am always wrong. I got to the arboretum and immediately started noticing the peak like I hit a wall. I went to the grass field and lied there. Somehow everything felt brand new like it was my first time tripping, and at the same time, I was able to retain all of my knowledge from past trips as if all time cane together in the present. I began to sob as I was overwhelmed and was experiencing some sort of catharsis over all I had been keeping in the back of my mind for the last couple months. Then I started uncontrollably laughing. Everything was so wonderful— music was everything, the sun was looking down on me and enveloping me in its warmth, the clouds moved swiftly and I was able to see them diffract light into colour, tall trees and vibrant plants surrounded me in my personal sphere, birds soared by gracefully. My head felt discombobulated from my body, like I was in some sort of virtual reality. For a long time, I lost my sense of self. I forgot almost completely who I was, what I was doing, where I was, who I knew, everything about myself. "Real life" slipped away from me and was replaced with what I had come to accept as reality. My new reality felt like a planet surrounding an infinitesimal non-dimensional bubble that contained other people and my real life and responsibilities. That "real life" felt like a mere clipping texture that was in an otherwise perfect universe. Throughout the day, I constantly faced the conflict of whether I should take care of little Sarah and concern over real life and listen to my ego or whether I should let myself free and give in to my id. The last part of my momentary catharsis came with a purge. I began dry heaving, trying to expel my body of all my stresses physically. High school kids and their families were at Cal Poly on open house tours, and several of them were at the arboretum. Sean texted me and reminded me that I could get in trouble so I quickly stopped throwing up. I faced a dilemma soon after- should I pee at the arboretum or walk all the way to PCV for a bathroom? After finally deciding that I don't want to risk being caught, I left my paradise and headed for PCV. On the way, I passed a worker, turned around, and asked if a bathroom was close by. Luckily there was, but his instructions on how to get there were foreign. I nodded as if I understood and headed in the general direction that I gathered he was directing me. Finding the bathroom was such a task, and passing people wondering how insane I looked was even more so. Finally I got to the bathroom, a small dark space where I felt trapped. The stall had a very appropriate sign up reading "Keep calm and flush the toilet" They must not have known how much they were asking me to do. I finally made it out of the bathroom and went to the arboretum's different areas. I was exploring everything, taking pictures of all I was seeing. I was using my finsta, and began to edit pictures how I felt I wanted them to look. Taking the pictures and turning them into art felt like an amazing way to document what my brain was doing to my visual and creative perceptions. I was running around, sticking my phone everywhere like a gun. I finally sat and began to listen to Shelter Live. Music was lucid; when my only thoughts were in the music, my mind was clear, and the moment I stopped listening, words came in and jumbled up all my thoughts. It felt as though music was being created by the very moment and environment I was in. Music made sense, and dancing came naturally. Every beat was assigned a move, and somehow my body knew this. I remembered that normal people don't generally dance in public, so I sat and just tapped my foot, bobbed my head. It wasn't enough, but I couldn't do much about it. I grew tired of the annoying battle between my id, what I truly wanted to do in order to express myself and be free, and my ego, what I knew I had to do in order to keep myself out of trouble and watch out for little Sarah. I realised I couldn't have everything. I headed back to the room to dance freely and create music. The creative aspects came so easily, but the technical ones were more difficult than they've ever been. (Sidenote, I lost all the music I created that day. I hope I can someday recreate it.) I went to the P, where I felt at the top of the world again, saying hello to my old friends Bishop and Madonna from a distance. Shelter Live drew tears from me again. I remembered that little Sarah had left a note for me, in which she asked for answers in her life and guidance on how she can get out of the unhappiness she's been experiencing for months. I remembered that she wanted me to solve things while I had some sort of higher knowledge. I was devastated to find that Lucy could not change the fact that I felt lost and didn't have any all-knowing answers. I thought maybe creation was the key, to do something I loved every day of my life, but it didn't seem quite what I was searching for. All I wanted was for Sarah to be happy, and a big key to that was ridding her of her struggle between what she truly wants to do and the insignificant reasons she stops herself from pursuing those desires. I tried so hard to figure things out for her, and I couldn't. For the first time in months, I admitted that I was unhappy. And I worried for Sarah. As I was coming down, I felt such dense and bitter loneliness. I wanted so much for soulmates to exist and for me to find mine, whether it be a person or career or place, I wanted to feel like I wasn't missing something anymore. For most of my trips, I would fall in love with myself deeper, finding happiness in who I am, but for this one, I experienced a love for myself in which I was saddened by the fact that I knew I wasn't happy and that I wanted to be.

[aboardthessbae]

Divinity

Third trip report: Divinity 100ug LSD tab 4 February 2017 Self Took the tab walking to the Bishop trail. I kept thinking it wasn't strong enough as I was walking, but about 30 minutes later, it hit me abruptly. I was floored, and I made it a good 70% up the mountain. I also noticed that I had left my water on the bus. I tried to get out my laptop to play music, but my headphones weren't cooperating so I was sitting there for a while. As everyone was passing me, they all commented something along the lines of how they thought I was studying, and internally I just laughed at how wrong they were. After figuring out I couldn't use my laptop for music as I walk, I packed my things and continued on with earphones and my phone. A man smiled at me, walked up to me, and complimented my space pants. After talking to him for a little, I was so sure I was speaking and acting like a crazy person so I told him in disclosure that I was tripping acid. Immediately after, I was thinking that might not have been so smart, but it's such a crazy good thing I did because this guy is one of the most spiritually open people I've ever met. He gave me water and guided me to the top of Bishop Peak. I was half positive he wasn't real and that I was hallucinating my spirit guide. After a while, he went back down the mountain, but we exchanged numbers and instagrams. But now the biggest part of my trip. The top of Bishop Mountain. I have never fallen so in love with anything more. It made it truly special that I've never been to Bishop or tripped alone before that day—everything was as brand new as can be. I was sitting there for about 4 or 5 hours, but if I were warm and I knew my way down, I would never have left. Every time I thought I was acclimated to the beauty, I would turn my head even a couple degrees and my mouth would gape for the millionth time. Clouds moved in and out, heavy ones below me looking like a sea and light airy ones above giving the sun rings like a planet, and the sun would be veiled for brief moments. Fog passed slowly through the mountain, and as it approached, I felt like the heavens were reaching to me and shrouding me. Birds soared below me, and I felt so one with the world, forgetting anyone else existed. The lake flowed so peacefully and steadily, the streets ebbed as cars moved along, and the hills rolled as if they were breathing. I kept wondering how people weren't in such awe of how breathtakingly beautiful it was. I have never reached such pure pure bliss ever before. Music was so perfect, and I couldn't stop crying or hyperventilating or laughing because I was driven to such happiness. I felt like I was living for the first time, truly living in the moment, like I was awakened from a hazy dream. Oh Divinity. I thought that I came to the conclusion that it is my favourite song, but sober, that sounds wrong. I do know, though, that it holds one of the most dearest places in my heart. As it played, I felt the heavens open toward me and suddenly I was floating, flying as it drew me in and upwards. After prolonging it, I finally packed my things to start heading down Bishop. I called my sister on the way down, and we had a conversation about a lot of acid things: music, language, nature, self knowledge. I came to identify and quantify the things I needed in life as my sense of self, appreciation of the people in my life, music, and nature. During this conversation, I made it maybe 30 to 40% down and stopped on a rock. Now, I was just barely above the clouds. In the thick fog bank, the sky and the hills peeked out above it, and it was breathtaking. The sky covered all spectrum of colour and stopped all my thoughts. Finally, the fog had taken over, and it was getting dark very quickly. I headed down, but I lost the trail and started panicking, feeling stranded in the middle of a mountain without a person in sight. I saw a flashlight from far away so I followed it and finally got back on the trail, but I sprained my ankle and heard a snap. Luckily, the people in front of me stayed with me and guided me down the mountain. I realised then that people are here to help each other. People were actually a big part of this trip, it was the first time I was the only person tripping and the first time I was in a public place for my trip. In general, I still got the judgy uncomfortable feeling from people, like they were a completely different species. But I also realised that people are meant to live together and coexist, help one another when they can because it's their responsibility as fellow human beings. I felt as though people should be free to speak to whomever without fear of judgement and that conversations should be opportunities to explore new mindsets, not chances to exploit each other. Walking home, I felt clarified and elated, and I felt my trip coming off its peak, but it was cool because I made the trip physical with my hike. The comeup was the climb up, the climax was the zenith, and the comedown was the climb down. Music rang through my mind in crystalline quality. At home, I finally sustained myself with lots of food and water. I began to focus on creation. I drew a few pictures at Bishop Peak, but I drew a couple more. I tabbed a little tune on my guitar, and I danced to my music. I felt so powerful with the ability to create using my two hands. I played with the idea of a soulmate, and hoped that a soulmate could make me feel the way I feel with Lucy, who I see as a placeholder for my soulmate. I believe I have experienced true love, though I have never romantically loved anyone, but I believe I fell in love with the world and music and myself. My heart continually broke and reformed at every moment of the day.

[aboardthessbae]

Sea of Voices

Second trip report: Sea of Voices 100 ug LSD tab 14 January 2017 Sarah People were so uncomfortable to be around; they seemed like an entirely different species who just didn't understand anything. I already have a hard time with myself— I'm self conscious about my thoughts, and I constantly am trying to prove myself to myself. With the added dimension of people, that multiplies exponentially. Bouts of laughter with Sarah. Kept forgetting what we were doing or where we were going; everything felt like some sort of impossible mission, which made us question why we need to do things at all. My thoughts would trip over themselves, and I could feel them overridden by the next and the next. Sarah would tell me a thought, and somehow, I understood the thought, but I had no way of understanding the words. Last time I tripped, I would say it was a more personal experience, but this time, I truly felt an intimate and almost invasive or intrusive connection to Sarah. At some pure moments, it was as if we were sharing a mind to become a single being because we understood everything. I read my last trip report, and it revived so much of the knowledge I had gained the first time, and throughout the day, I would retrieve forgotten epiphanies from that trip that I had thought were lost forever. I didn't get enough nature but thats okay—next time. It was too cold for a hike to the P, but we did take the fairy trail. We went to Baker, and my favourite terrace was closed; good thing too because I kept getting this strange temptation to kill myself, a romantic fantasy of the moments before death. I later told Sarah that if we had gone on the terrace, I am convinced I would have jumped off it. Maybe I could have died had that terrace not been locked yesterday. We sat in front of one of the terrace windows, settled down, and watched Worlds Live, which drew tears from me. Afterwards, we listened to our own music, and I was taken away. I understood artists. I knew that they knew what they did to me; I felt as though I crawled into their perception and understood their creations. I knew music was at the core of my soul, my existence. More than anything else, I felt like I was music. Everything felt like it was part of me, like a true commitment. I was possessive over everything, especially the earth. I was egocentric, knowing that all was mine to explore and to have, and my mind knew no limits. All my boundaries dissipated before me. I was floating around beyond my physical barriers and truly perceiving everything. Everything was stripped bare from the person that I once knew as myself, and all that was left was the simple being that really was just being. Not happy nor sad, I just was. And that was okay. I was simply coexisting. I also became very strongly motivated to go to space, break away even further from my physical limits. I realised that I couldn't take Lucy (the transcended, knowing Sarah) with me back to reality, but I also decided that I could take part of her and use her to replace past Sarah. I never felt more knowing of my own soul, and I knew that I was in love with Lucy. She was my soulmate, and as the trip was ending, it felt as though my heart was being torn out because I had to say goodbye. We came back to the room, and we put on our light shoes and diffraction glasses and listened to our own music. We spent that time in our comfort, talking. I retreated to my bed and listened to music. I felt as though between my headphones, I was just a piece of space, free forming and pure. I couldn't let Lucy go, I refused to sleep. I started trying to create, using LMMS, which quickly became frustrating because I had not learned the software before, but I knew what I wanted to create. So I switched to Plink, which wasn't too satisfying but did enough for me. I listened to more music, and finally decided it was time. Though I did not feel it, I knew my ears had had enough from the volume and bass. I went to bed, and in the night, I'd wake once in a while, my dreams melding with my waking moments, seeming seamless.

[aboardthessbae]

Like It's Over

First trip report: Like It's Over 100 ug LSD tab 23 Dec 2016 Sean Took the tab under the tongue and kept it there for 20 minutes before swallowing. Started staring at wood grains watching them move and breathe. Started peaking about 5 minutes later. Colours were vivid, I could see after-images and divide light into the colour spectrum. My mind started crowding itself with ideas, which began to transcend language. I wanted during the entire day to write down what I was thinking, but for some reason, I knew it was too much effort. Everything became a hassle. I started losing my sense of reality, and everything felt as if it were slipping away from my mind and I was alone. But not in a peaceful way at first. I came to this realisation that I don't have words for and started crying. I later learned that I had experienced an ego-death, in which I fully comprehended the insignificance of my existence in the world. Sean comforted me but the thought still lingered, and I didn't want to share what I felt partially in fear that he would come to the same realisation and partially in loss for words. I actually didn't speak most of the day. Like I said, my mind had transcended language, and there was no longer a use for words. I forced myself to get a grip on reality in order to try again and just enjoy the trip. During the trip, Sean and I would tell each other how strange it was that even if we were sitting together, it'd still feel like we were worlds apart. I went to the bathroom, and it felt like I was in there for hours. The marble floors were snakes, the rug was worms, and my pad I couldn't look at for more than a couple seconds. Use your imagination. I looked in the mirror and my face was writhing in worms at one point and melting off at another. During this whole time though, I wasn't scared. I was just present, an observer. I saw my husk. I was living in my corpse. I came out and asked how long I was in there. Sean tells me it was only 5 minutes. About an hour in, I kept checking the time, because I felt like so much had passed and every time, the number only changed by two minutes. My brain felt like I was multiple people, a crowd of thoughts that were conversing, sometimes debating. Eventually, it all died down, and all that was left was a single voice, a simple being. And that was me. Floating around in the room no longer trapped by the physical boundaries of my mind or my body. I felt like time was just another dimension, something I could travel nonlinearly. We watched Shelter Live Atlanta, and it was beautiful. I became more appreciative of art of all forms, finding it in things that aren't always thought of as art too. Sean and I went on a walk outside. Nature was so incredible to look at, plants were vibrant and geometric. I saw the world's curvature at the top of the hill, and it took my breath away. I felt as though I was on another planet, and that goes for the entire experience. I wondered whether everyone visits this planet, whether this planet is LSD or my mind. I could feel myself panting for air, but I felt no pain nor discomfort nor fatigue. We went back into the house and sat in the room listening to music. Sean's friends came to visit, and when one of them began eating a steak, I had to stop him because I became very aware of the fact that it was a piece of dead flesh. His friends seemed nice, but as an introvert, their presence drew me further inwards, and I was back in my own world and my own thoughts. I heard their conversations, but I wasn't present. It took an incredible amount of effort for me to speak every time I managed to get a word or two out. We went to walk and see city lights, and they were gorgeous. We went back and sat in the room listening to music. Psychedelic visuals spilled out the computer screen into my world and went with the music. After a while, I had enough of the visuals so I turned the other way and watched the light from the screen project onto the walls and the bed. Every once in a while, we would break away from our worlds and make eye contact and burst out laughing. We watched Wilfred, which was a nice change of pace for my brain, and went back to listening to music. We watched Madeon's Pixel Empire music videos which were so incredible. We listened to Time and took a virtual tour of the galaxy. At some moments, I'd feel so small, just a particle in the universe, and at others, I'd feel like I myself am the entire universe. My sister came to pick me up, and we went to target for a little. My head hurt, and it was difficult to be in public because it feels like everyone is scrutinising your behaviour. I've found even when I am alone, my thoughts often question themselves, and I am a self conscious person. I get in the way of my own desires because I care about keeping an image of myself. I also realised that this image of myself isn't the whole of who I am. Coming down, I wanted to stay awake and keep the trip going as long as possible, but as I was lying down watching a tour of the universe and listening to music, I found my eyes wanted to relax and close so I let them. After a while, I woke and realised I had to sleep so I shut off the computer and went to bed. To try to describe the experience with words is impossible. Words will never be enough. It was just so otherworldly.