aboundmoirai

[aboundmoirai]

The Zoo

In the very few news articles that catch my attention, one stood out this week. Charlize Theron accused men of lacking courage as a reason why she is single. Interesting concept, but not original as most of us have told ourselves or have been told that we’re intimidating or that our standards are unrealistic. Either way it poses a problem that my mind is determined to explain, even if I don’t have the solution quite yet. In an effort to further understand how some of this may work while protecting what I consider to be a pretty realistic and healthy expectation for the men I allow in my life, I give you The Zoo:

I love the zoo, if you want to see me turn into the 5 year old version of myself, just take me to a zoo. Use your imagination here gentlemen, I’m going to somewhat explain why you’re dating who you’re dating. Let’s take a tour, shall we? 

First off, we’ll hit the little fuzzy section (i.e squirrels, mice, adorable woodland creatures, etc). I want to focus on the Sugar Gliders. If you don’t know much about Sugar Gliders it’s ok, I will fill you in. Sugar Gliders are adorable, they’re cuddly with huge eyes and kind of look like tiny flying squirrels. They will also literally waste away and die if you don’t lovingly care for them on a constant and never-ending basis. You are dating/married to a Sugar Glider if she is always vulnerable and timid, needs you to rescue and care for her like you would a child, and prefers a very small and controlled existence.

Next we’ll go to the Reptile Exhibit. This one doesn’t require much explanation but I will just in case we have some naïve guys running around. Snakes guys. They’re not just male, in fact female snakes can be far more conniving and ruthless. You are dating a snake if you’re kind of worried she may kill you and feed you to the authorities at some point. Some guys like this risk, they love the danger. I think you guys are a special kind of stupid for dating this girl, she won’t get nicer, in fact she’ll probably be mean to your kids, too. So, perhaps avoid this one, even if they do the poison removal thing she’s still going to be pretty awful. 

On to the Zebras, other than that annoying yeet sound they make, they’re pretty cool. But, zebras are herd animals, they will have a set pattern for how they live and it’s pretty non-negotiable. They are what they are. If you dearly love routine, predictability, 50 years and we’re still the same kind of relationships... This is your zone. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with zebras, they are awesome at being zebras and they can handle life. They’re approachable and easy to get to know, they don’t intimidate you, there’s no concern on whether you measure up, and very little challenge since they’re already set up with the expectation that you will kind of fall into a life together.

Penguins! How I love penguins, sometimes I wish I was like a penguin.  Penguins are the sweet and romantic love story ladies. They want to fall in love and will be available to fall in love ANYTIME. You pick up some roses at Kroger on the way to the movies and she is ready to get married. She’s going to support you and love you without requiring you to stop playing video games for the next 60 years. Y’all will pass away holding hands, it will be the Notebook on repeat for your whole life. Again, I wish I was a penguin. But I’m not. I am a Jaguar.

Jaguar? Really? Yeah. So jaguars are endangered, they’re rare and beautiful in their own way. They are self-sufficient, solitary, and deadly. Some of those words aren’t so great in the dating world, I get that. But hear me out. You’re attracted o my independence and strength, you value my self-sufficiency. But it comes at a price.  I am not a Sugar Glider, I don’t need you, if I choose to allow you to pursue me, it is because I want you to, not because you chose me. I am not a Snake. I don’t secretly hate men, don’t have plans to kill you next time you use the decorative bathroom towels while shaving.  I am not a Zebra, you won’t find or attract me with herd tactics or tendencies. There’s only one reason to hang around the herd, hunting. I am a principled Jaguar and don’t see the point in playing games with Zebras, so you won’t find me there, less principled Jaguars may engage Zebras in non-serious relationships.  I am not a Penguin. Put frankly, you need to be a fully grown adult to date/marry a Jaguar. It’s sweet that you brought me flowers and I do appreciate such gestures, but I am going to fall in love with your character, your goals and dreams, your intentional directing of your life. If I choose you it isn’t because you make me comfortable, it is because you had the guts to risk your ego and pursue me as an equal. Even then, I will not be easy, I will be challenging and will always be pushing myself , if you cannot keep up you will be left behind. It isn’t cruel or hateful, it is simply a different life. I don’t hate Sugar Gliders, Zebras, or Penguins. But I am not one of them.

So, to my girl Charlize, I hear ya. It isn’t easy walking this road and it absolutely is a drag to be surrounded by folks that don’t value who you are. 

Rawr,

Abound Morai

[aboundmoirai]

My Name Is.... No.

Hello friends, we’re back to the singleton posts for now so strap in. As with most of my writing, recent events and conversations have presented a quandary in my mind. Most of us single ladies will relate, men might not feel so great reading this... 

I was blessed to be part of a discussion a few months back about why so many Godly, wonderful, and accomplished women are single, have they never found “the” man? Recovering from divorce? Too career focused? On and on and on.... Now, you all know, I tend to be pretty outspoken about this subject. So, when this came up, I responded, “Why are you asking me? Shouldn’t you be asking the men?”

I tend to be rather combative about passivity/men, but perhaps this does call for a bit of questioning. Are men taught to seek Godly women as wives? I’m sure some are, but I’m not seeing a majority there. Are men taught how to approach a woman? How to do so intentionally without being a creep? Again, not feeling a majority.  On that particular question, I’ve been approached with numerous “Hey Baby, can I get your number?” and “Girl, you fine!” For the record, these are not legitimate ways to gain the attention of a decent woman. I’ve also had the super awkward conversations with what I call the “Proxy.” The guy/girl sent to assess whether or not I’m interested in their friend, relative, or man child. Sweet Baby Jesus, save us all from the crazy awkward of that whole situation. I, literally, have never had a man simply ask me out to dinner and actually call it a date. Men, please note, “You want to hang out?” is not asking a grown woman on a date.  So, to answer my own question, I do not think fathers are teaching this, nor do I think men have very good mentors on the subject.

“You should friend him on [insert current social media platform here], you two would make a great couple!” No. No. No. I do not friend men I do not know on social media, I might as well change my name to “Desperate And Crazy” and get it over with. Nothing says low self-esteem for a woman than friending men who have shown no interest in you, I will not be that woman. So, this begs more questions, are men taught to be actively pursuing a Godly woman? To be the man in the relationship?  Here’s why this matters, at least to me. When I consider dating a man, what I know of his character is literally second on the list of questions. Does he pursue a relationship with God is the first. Anyway, back to character.... Does he make choices that line up with that first question? Does he chase dreams or just think about them? If he cannot overcome and risk asking me out on an actual date, can he be trusted to make difficult decisions? That’s kind of deep, right? Technically I probably don’t know this man that well, so some of this would be a guess. However, the question still stands... Is a man that cannot intentionally pursue getting to know me really the kind of man I’d want? For me, no. Because I value a man who shows the character and strength to be an active member of this relationship, I seek a man displaying those qualities from the beginning. 

So, I am asking the dads in the room, please teach your sons to be men. This is a really big deal and it will likely take most of your life to achieve, you will need to be a mentor and guide forever. But, from the women in the room, we really miss having Godly men, having someone worth partnering with us as an equal.  Ladies, don’t give up and don’t wait around, live your life whether or not he shows up. Don’t spend your precious time and life solely on the pursuit of marriage, you are special and worthwhile without a ring on your finger.

Abound Moirai

[aboundmoirai]

Bet My Life

I’ve written a lot about dating woes, single hood, manhood, and womanhood. There’s a lot to be said there that I don’t even know yet, but we’re going to talk about couples today, from an outsider’s point of view. I was going to title this “Satan’s New Game” but then I realized it wasn’t new, so while this is untitled as I write it, I want to share a rather heartbreaking reality. Sometimes Satan uses the thing we want most to cut us off from God, he uses love. This is a slight bash towards the dating whoever I want mentality, I do hope it helps you understand why that doesn’t always pan out so well. 

You all know at least one couple, I hope, that seems to fit. They are partners, still imperfect people but the relationship is worth the effort that is being invested, they genuinely want a life together and work together to achieve it. This would be a simplified example of what we hope for as a single person, a relationship that is truly a partnership.  Then there’s the couple we all definitely know, they’re what I call the “who was available at the time” couple. They started dating, not out of a common purpose, interest, or life goals. More out of loneliness, fear, or even boredom. It has a certain aspect of striving or forcing this person/relationship to fit, instead of it being a natural fit. These relationships grow to a point where they need each other, not really out of love, more out of a co-dependancy. Where life has settled (oh, that awful word) into a comfortable or simply bearable rhythm. They weren’t right for each other, but would not choose the path of finding a healthy relationship. 

Here’s where we see Satan at work, putting Mr. Right Now, Miss Pays Attention To Me, Mr. Charming But Unemployed, Miss Refuses To Pay Her Own Bills in at the right time. Let’s not forget Mr. New Truck Every Year and Miss No Life Goals!  While those are humorous examples, they’re also a recipe for missing the life God called you to, which is the real work of Satan. If he can keep you caught up  managing this relationship, you’ll miss the stuff of dreams. A fulfilling, God-Focused life that doesn’t end in yet another mess you’re cleaning up for the train-wreck you are dating or have married. 

So, a few key signs that Satan’s throwing out some love to mess you up: -This person does not embody an equally-yoked spiritual relationship, that’s fancy Bible talk for you being in different places spiritually, or not even in the same hemisphere. How can they support who God made you to be if they aren’t pursuing who God made THEM to be? -Your dreams will need to be set aside to fix them, their kids, or their consistent financial drama. - They neither understand nor encourage the activities or passions God has laid on your heart, they may even feel them to be competition. -They will not partner with you, at any point, for those passions -They are or become an intense distraction from God -You and God regularly fuss about the direction, habits, or type of relationship you have with this person.

There are many signs, these are just a few I’ve experienced personally. Always remember that earthly love will never be what God’s love can be in your life, being pulled away from God will never be His will, especially by your significant other. So, walk in the plan He has for you, even if it means sacrificing Mr. Right Now or Miss Pays Attention To Me. In the end, they will not embody the life you dream of in your heart, they will delay, harm, or even destroy it. I know this is not simple, it’s not an easy choice to make. You have no guarantee that the one you truly desire even exists, but the life God desires for you does and it is more fulfilling then a damaging relationship. 

Take heart,

AM

[aboundmoirai]

Because It’s Me

Lately, through some rather revealing talks with God and some honest introspection, I’ve had to acknowledge areas in my life that are below the standard God and I both want. Some areas that I had great excuses for, easy reasons why it was okay for me to be lax here, yet still expect others to uphold a higher standard or put up with my behavior. I have dubbed this phenomena “Because It’s Me.”

Because It’s Me, I could gossip or speak critically about people, their decisions and attitudes, without true concern over their lives. I could make harsh and unforgiving judgements that weren’t linked in any way to the love of God. Nope. Not cool, and certainly not how I want to be treated in return.

Because It’s Me, I can curse like a sailor and it not have an affect on my mind, my heart, my soul. I have a good excuse, right? No other words seemed to fit? Right? If I’m in a conversation where the only words that fit are curse words, haven’t I hopped a pretty obvious boundary already? Yes, yes I have.

Because It’s Me, I can ignore the rules I deem unnecessary. Things that just don’t make sense to me, regardless of the consequences on others, their jobs or businesses, or their view of God through me. So, if I see a request posted, that I am perfectly capable of following, then is it really my “right” to refuse or outright abuse the request? Now, clearly this is a simplification for things that could be pretty serious, I’m talking about the simple things here. Like showing up to work ON TIME, everytime.... Not trashing public restrooms or just not cleaning up after yourself in general, utilizing services and not offering to pay, requesting “favors” when it will only serve my purposes, things that are inconsiderate or downright rude. Those are NOT OKAY! Even if it’s me.

So, where’s my point? This thought that I am somehow not responsible because I know my motives, or I have a good excuse, or I am really a good person deep down..... That’s a big pile of bull poo. I am responsible, me, myself, I.  So if I, as God has lead me to, choose to hold myself to a high standard of respect, honor, and love towards the those around me, the businesses and ministries I work with, the conversations I engage in, and towards the enemies that push me to consider murder, will it make any difference? Yes. It already has. In my fumbling and stumbling to get this area in better shape, it has shown me that God must be the drive behind what I am doing. Otherwise, I truly am not kind, compassionate, or even honorable. It has also shown me that so few people ever have a genuine conversation with someone who cares. Most people don’t even make eye contact, it’s too vulnerable. Well, here’s my vulnerable, eye-contact moment: I’m bad at this but I am still going to keep trying, not because it’s me, but because God helped me see how much it means to others. 

Abound Moirai

[aboundmoirai]

Too true.

Day-dreaming about this “perfect match” my friend wants to set me up with...

But then I meet this “perfect match” and that description couldn’t be farther from the truth. So the whole date, all I want to do is call my friend and be like….

Like….at all! 

[aboundmoirai]

Feminism or Godly Womanhood?

Recently I was granted the opportunity to sit in on a conversation about women in the Bible, women like Esther, Rahab, and Deborah. Women we would consider heroins. Some interesting themes came up, ones I would have expected to hear 50 years ago more than now. Things like, “She must have had an understanding husband” or “She was needed because men weren’t standing up and being men.”

Now, I know you probably feel the steam coming off me already, but these are mature and learned Christians, ones I actually respect (which is saying something). Furthermore, it isn’t that those things aren’t true, perhaps they simply are more on the surface. So, I bit my tongue at the time and am rather cowardly sharing with you instead of them. 

The reason this bothers me is because the focus is on the fact that she is a woman, not on who she is, her calling before a Holy God, or even her natural abilities. The concept that a woman’s sole purpose and talent is in homemaking is dehumanizing and rather archaic.

So, does a woman’s calling sit dormant when men fulfill their role? Do her talents, abilities, wisdom, and spirit hide under a rock? Doubtful. Woman are called and gifted by God as equal to men. Period. Re-read that. You are equal. Equally gifted, equally important, equally needed, equally responsible.

Am I hating on Homemakers? Definitely not! The strength, talent, tenacity, and creativity needed there is beyond my understanding. However, I do not believe it has to be your role, simply due to your gender. Say God is calling you to be a Deborah, who called men to war and then went to war for with them for her country? An Esther, who challenged her husband’s advisors, spoke the truth and saved her nation? What if your role is different? What if it overshadows a man?

An understanding husband…. OK men, time to remove needing weakness in a woman to validate your manhood. If your wife has a calling that requires you take a less visible role or that she is an EQUAL partner with you, it isn’t a slam against you, your calling, your spirituality, etc. God’s plans for us do not filter through the world’s definition of gender roles, so it’s time you get over it.

And to the Church…. I am more than casseroles, nursery assignments, and children’s church. When women are called to speak, write, serve, and invest, listen! God gifts us to be in leadership in the church, to influence the community, and to break down walls like these. So get with the program and quit fighting your own sisters, we really are one the same side and would love to really partner with you! 

Dangerously Female,

Abound Moirai

[aboundmoirai]

Incentivizing Manhood

In my travels as a singleton there are certain phrases I’ve begun to expect, one in particular is burning my biscuits (this week). Since y’all know I do my best writing when angry, get ready.

“He just needs a good woman.” Seems innocent, right? Maybe he dated an evil woman who broke his heart, maybe his dad wasn’t around, maybe he struggles with keeping a job.... Maybe a lot of things... How exactly am I, as a good woman, supposed to change any of that? Or a better question, why am I responsible for changing it/him?

Let me fill in a few blanks for you. When defining said man, for me anyway, he falls into a few predictable patterns. Just nod if these fit what you were thinking, too.  -Tends to party frequently (despite being an adult) -Considers drug use acceptable -1 to 3 children, 1 to 3 different mothers - Bills/Job is secondary to recreational spending or parents still foot the bills -General lack of commitment to career or life plan A few lesser known traits/ones that are far more important to me: -Lack of commitment to his faith -Standards for his own behavior -Goals and dreams he is consistently pursuing This all goes quite a bit deeper, of course, than the outside/superficial things, some of these you wouldn’t even spot until dating someone awhile. But my rebellion to this common issue lies in the reality that it is not the woman’s responsibility to incentivize manhood.

So, what ground am I standing on to have such an opinion? What makes a “good” woman? Well, here’s a short list: -Commitment to her faith -Steady income, pays her own bills -Defined goals and dreams -Focus on self improvement/development -Does not seek out married/engaged/unavailable men Starting to see a trend? Thought so. But, just in case, I will explain it. That “good” woman is working pretty hard, focusing on forward living, developing her faith and dreams. All the while, not with a “good” man. So, to pose another question, why should she be burdened with Mr. Pitiful? Just a quick and simple answer, she shouldn’t. Because that relationship is starting off completely co-dependant, she is not seeking her equal. 

Back to Mr. Pitiful, if his only incentive to be a good man is her presence, than is he actually a good man? Or is he simply henpecked? Can she trust him? If they have children, will he step up? I wouldn’t bet on it. When struggles come and someone needs to take extra hours or get a second job, will it be him? Doubtful.

So, if a good woman escapes the dreaded Mr. Pitiful, what is she supposed to be looking for? Well, since we know I always have an opinion..... I look for a good man as defined by his actions, not his words. Things like: -Solid commitment to his faith (non-negotiable) -Stability of lifestyle (not given to obsessive/irresponsible habits) -Steadiness, i.e. He shows up to work, to church, for his family, put simply... He is the “showing up to the fight” kind of man -Develops himself personally and professionally -Sets goals and works for them -Man of his word Now, a big tell for me is that he is doing these things without a woman looking over his shoulder, prodding and herding him to grow up. He takes initiative, he takes responsibility, he works through his failures, he expects greatness from himself. That is a man you can trust ladies and until he knocks on your door, do the work to be a good woman. As in, start today, not for his sake, for yours. Remember that you date the embodiment of your self-esteem, if you seem to “fall victim” to the stray dogs of the man world, you have some work to do. Because that good man we talked about? He’s working hard to be fit for a good woman, not to clean up your mess!

So, ladies. When Mr. Pitiful knocks on your door.... You are unavailable, even as a friend. Why? Because he needs to go and find a good man to help him get cleaned up and working on his issues. Put plainly, THAT AIN’T YOUR JOB and even more so, we’re bad at it. Let men do men’s work, in fact, quit getting in their way.

Out of the way,

AM “

[aboundmoirai]

Help needed! I'm doing research on the culture of being single in this day/age. I'd love to get feedback! What is missing for you as a single person (i.e. community, connection, available activities specifically for singles)? What is your primary focus (career, health, friends, dating)? What would positively affect your life? I'd like genuine feedback, so ignore my standardized examples.

[aboundmoirai]

Help! I’m branching out!

Dear Internet Friends who are smarter than I,

I am putting together an online community and need help! I am at best a beginner in the world of coding and building sites, and honestly don’t care to learn the super in-depth processes of design. Are there any freelancers out there who will help a girl out? 

[aboundmoirai]

The Temple

I’m attempting to read through the Old Testament, everything was going pretty well until the last 10 chapters or so of Exodus, these talk about  how to construct the Temple, how to anoint priests, etc. Now, if you’ve wandered through that section lately, you will recognize what I am about to say.... That stuff is boring, like really.

So, while I’m getting this strange buzzing in my head from reading about cubit lengths of curtains, I ask God, “why is this important, why am I reading this?” Not in a why way, more in a “why are we wasting time” way. Now, before all of you holy people get huffy, asking this is important because God answered, yeah, you can jump off your high horse now.

So, God says, “I put that much time, effort, detail, and care into all of My temples, including you.” Wait, what did He mean by that? Christ dwells in me, I worship Him personally, therefore who/what I am is a living temple for God.

Now, holy people. I am not “elevating” myself, there’s not a thing about me that is more holy in God than anyone else. What I am saying is that God Himself handcrafted all that is the core, the Eve of me, the perfection before sin, of me.

So, Eve? Yes, God created us to be sinless, to be perfect. That didn’t change, our circumstances did. Satan tried to pull a fast one and steal us away, but he couldn’t steal what God created in our core, that we are His temple.

All of the manifestation of evil that turn and manipulate who we are, that’s an attempt to destroy the temple of God, to destroy His creation. When we accept Christ, make Him lord, we choose our Creator and we choose to grow what He created.

Grow? Yes, grow. There’s a big movement in Christianity that I call Worm Theology. It basically says that we are worms, that there’s nothing good about is and God is simply merciful to see us. Now, that is a simplification of Worm Theology, I do realize there’s more to it. However, to dismiss how God made us is pointless and doesn’t shine a light on all the talents and gifts that are uniquely  yours. I choose to submit all that He made to His care and growth process, to admit that He made me pretty awesome.

In pursuit of growth.... The Temple was handcrafted by artist, master craftsmen, they weren’t pouring a driveway, this was the Temple of the Living GOD. So, how do we tap into that with who we are? First off, pray for God’s provision, there’s a lot of godless info out there that doesn’t help, and it will encourage you to think all of this is simply you, not God. I do believe God invests in us wholly, mind, body, and soul. He also expects us to invest, mind, bod and soul. There is a freedom in that, we need to get rid of the shame associated with caring for ourselves. It isn’t selfish!

Grow, Grow, Grow... Read books, work out, eat healthy, find your strengths in relationships, business, and in Christ. Grow in them, use them to help and grow others, to bring people to God. Quit trying to operate in someone else’s life, ditch convention.

God wants to use you wholly, He made you specifically, your personality, your struggles, your appearance, your mind, your soul. Seek to grow where you are most effective, submit your weak areas to God. Remember this, you are a Temple for God, you are not God. All of this requires that you submit, worship, and FOLLOW God. You really can do all of this and totally miss the point, if it isn’t about God and His glory, you will miss the best of this whole process. Focus people!

Abound Moirai

[aboundmoirai]

The Arena

“It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong stumble or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweet and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or short coming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause, who, at the best, knows, in the the end, the triumph of high achievement, and at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.” -Theodore Roosevelt

I don’t often begin my posts with a quote, but I feel the need to share this with you and break it down in a few areas. 

To begin, “It is not the critic...” Our world and culture are full of critics, of those who feel worthy to judge “from the stands.” I do believe we have a problem here, one that our digital age has encouraged to a full blown epidemic. “The stands” now exist online, where keyboard courage runs rampant and we allow ourselves to become the least we can be, through anonymity we showcase the darkness in our own hearts. To those in the stands, who are quite defensive at this point, clicking away on keyboards about how judgy I am right now, I want to invite you to the arena. Not so we can teach you a lesson down here, but so you can experience life where it is really happening.

“The man in the arena...” Welcome to the battle, where satan will beat you bloody, where you will experience the unbelievable grace of a mighty God, and where you will learn to fight with every ounce of warrior hood God gave you. Doesn’t your heart stir? Don’t you feel a call to be more than you are now? To reach higher?

“Who errs and comes up short, again and again...” Ah, failure, everyone’s skeleton in the closet. Here’s a little reminder for you, everyone fails. Everyone. Even the guy in the stands, except he failed to live, to truly grasp at greatness and the fulfillment of everything God made him to be. He embodies true and irreparable failure, by not choosing to live, he has chosen a living death.

“Who spends himself for a worthy cause...” Remember the stirring of your heart? What did you see in your mind while reading? Was it the call of courage for a specific situation? The challenge of defeating addictions? The opportunity to pull another person from the stands? Pay attention to it, your heart races for what God has made you for, don’t neglect who you were made to be.

“His place shall never be with the cold and timid souls...” Ouch, here we have the image of complete despair. To be lumped with the dead guys in the stands would be such a huge loss my friend. It is not your place to die there, to die in fear, without the struggle and victory of actually TRYING or reaching beyond yourself. Your place is with us in the arena, where we will know victory and defeat, where we will reach for the role of a good and faithful servant of God. If we fail, at least we will fail while daring greatly, while choosing a life above the broken passivity of our culture.

To the arena,

A.M.

P.s. This post is better if you read it while listening to the Gladiator soundtrack..... Just saying. 

[aboundmoirai]

Worth It.

Hello friends, 

long time no write. Something has been floating around in my mind recently about the dismissal of innocence and romance, or rather where the value of such things has been placed. 

    If you watch much tv or even movies, you’ll see quite a few stories of how relationships begin, how they grow, and where they end up. Different stories, same basic transition. Meet, laugh, sex, marriage, kids, and so on. I do see that many of my friends try to play out the same idea in reality, I assume they are thinking that fiction imitates life, when it’s really just a figment of someone’s imagination.

    In the Christian culture, growing up in the 80′s and 90′s, a lot of emphasis was put on sexual purity, courtship, and “kissing dating goodbye.” The idea, I believe, was born from being the children that came after the Sexual Revolution of the 60′s and 70′s. Our parents watched the fallout, or lived in the fallout of that free-for-all and honestly did not want us to walk the same destructive path. That is a legitimate reason, but it is laced with fear, hypocrisy, and legalism. Whereas the Bible speaks of an amazing and healthy relationship with Christ as being where we find our worth, our virginity somehow became an object depicting our value. A defining part of our character that was a make or break decider of our worth in a relationship, and for our future.

      Deciding to protect one’s purity, to be/remain a virgin was never supposed to be a mark of whether or not we are valued and accepted by God, He loves us for who we are, not based on our virginity.  So, does that mean He doesn’t care if I give my virginity away outside of marriage? No, He definitely cares, but it is because He knows how it will harm the beautiful and wonderful person He made you to be, not because virginity makes you somehow better in His eyes.

     What if I’m already past the virginity decision? Does it matter anymore? Yes, for the same reason I listed above. I am hoping and praying you read this and take it in fully. God wants the absolute best for you. That isn’t found in the back of a truck, or even in your fiancee’s bed. It is found in knowing you are so valuable to God that He would want someone’s full commitment to you before you give yourself so completely. Because who you are matters to Him, deeply and truly. 

     So how does that even work? Good question, you and I don’t have a lot of examples for this, most couples we know hopped in the sack before they knew anything about each other or they were so terrified to touch each other that they wouldn’t even side hug before they married. What I pray for my relationship with my future hubby is that we enjoy and value innocence, romance, and respect. Meaning I want to hold hands, and it be special, I want to enjoy each other’s company, without the pressure of sex. I want to know him spiritually, emotionally, and mentally before physically. My value to him will not be in my virginity, nor will mine be in his. It will be in embracing who God made us to be together, in His timing, grace, and in our willingness to follow God. Our relationship probably won’t look like everyone else’s, we won’t be shacked up or anything of the sort, it probably won’t even fit the Christian stereotype. I’m in this for the real stuff, the deep connection of a shared life, goals, and a future. What about pursuing dreams together, working through challenges together, or taking on a big life together? The things that challenge us mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and having a partner to walk through it all. A partner that chooses God’s way first, on every level, not just physically, and seeks a life worth living. 

     A few things worth taking from the True Love Waits era would be that you are worth waiting for, that God does value your willingness to listen and follow, and that His way is the best for you. I know it sucks to be the only one in the universe that is on this train, or at least to feel that way. But God did not promise that it wouldn’t suck sometimes. It will. It will when you choose not to stay with someone who doesn’t have the same values or not to date period until you have a peace from God. To embrace that loneliness will be a part of your life at times and that it doesn’t mean you are unloved or unloveable, and to be ok with being frustrated with God at times. It is ok to tell Him you’re tired of being alone, being lonely, and being afraid that no one will ever show up. Trust me, you will not grow in your relationship with God unless you are honest with Him and since that is where you learn to value who He made you to be, you need to grow there.

A.M.

[aboundmoirai]

When Dad doesn't know you

I have written about a lot of issues so far, daddy issues should not be a surprise at this point. Daddy issues are worldwide, not necessarily gender specific, and stunt the growth of many. I want to write about a specific issue here, but don’t think that the others are not coming eventually.

Growing up in a big family was awesome, we traveled together, helped with our parents business, we are great friends to this day. While I come from a great family, there are still issues that pop up, we are human after all. My father was a quiet man, introverted, and tended to be a guy who liked alone time. That wasn’t a possibility with such a big family, the alone time was pretty much over. 

For an introverted, non-communicative man to raise daughters, he would have to become used to fits, drama, tears, and hormones. We were overwhelming, I am sure. In all of the chaos, he shut himself away from communicating, preferring to be an observer over a participant. For us girls, I know this was very hard.

This change happened around when the time I was 5, maybe 6, unfortunately before I had an opportunity to know him very well. I am sure, positive in fact, that he was dealing with some pretty awful things from his own childhood, so this isn’t a witch hunt on my part and I do not hold bitterness towards him.

For most women it is especially important that our father figure makes the effort to know us, not on his level, but on our level. Read back over that last statement, on our level. My father knew me very well, but he didn’t make the connection that I needed to be communicated with, needed to be affirmed, and needed to know that he thought I was special. This, honestly, probably didn’t register one bit, or he felt incapable of doing so, either way the opportunity is now lost.

Fast forward into adulthood, when presented with legitimate and decent relationships with grown and responsible men, what happens? What should start as a friendship induces panic attacks, sleeplessness, and anxiety. Can I do this? Can I be in a good relationship? How do I know if he is a good man? Or the right kind of man? Can I trust myself? Can I trust God? Wait, where did that last one come from? God didn’t bail, why is He under fire? Because we assume that our heavenly Father has the same problems and issues our earthly one did, more on that another time. 

All of these questions don’t answer the hardest question yet, will a truly Godly man ever want me?  Ouch, there’s the hurt. My dad wasn’t really clear on this, other men in my life haven’t communicated on this, so where do I stand?

Here’s the deal, God wants me. He wants to heal this wound and any others that may be lurking around, but it does require something of me. Trust. I must trust God, follow even when it hurts, give up some things, and gain some too. But I can’t hold this wound anymore, it’s tapping into my lifeblood and tainting my relationship with God. So, I have had enough and I’ve asked God to (literally) send all of His strength and healing my way.

The thing is that God always wanted me, not as a “He loves the whole world” kind of thing, but me as I am. I’ll change and the junk I’ve poured into my life will be filtered out, but the me that is deep inside won’t change, He made me to be exactly that person.

That is the thing I needed my dad to affirm and communicate, that I am precious and beautiful just as I am and that he could see that. God is healing the wound, but I miss what I could have had with my dad, miss having a relationship with him. Knowing that the opportunity is gone is very hard, knowing that he won’t see who I’ve become is heartbreaking. 

So, all you dads. It is vitally important to talk to your kids, be involved, and get out of your own head. They will have their hard knocks, but help them know who they are before and during. Fatherhood is just as important as motherhood, don’t walk out mentally, physically, spiritually, or emotionally. Be present, even if it is imperfect. 

Prayers.

A.M.

[aboundmoirai]

Junk Store

Do you ever feel clogged up with situations and worries and being overwhelmed? Feel like you just need to bare your soul to someone and have them walk you through it, sorting out the real and the imagined? Well, that has been me tonight. I’m working on some major projects that involve a lot of patience, steadiness, and focus. Three things never ascribed to someone with my personality type, but God happens and is sending me these exact things. These projects have unearthed an unforeseen demon of anxiety, I am a ball of nerves and struggling because I haven’t brought this to God. Tonight I did and the coolest vision came to my mind.

A man in an old shop full of junk, he is sorting through one of those boxes filled with tacky costume jewelry and tossing pieces to the side saying, “That’s not you, not you either, throw that out.” You get the point. Soon he gets to the bottom of the box and pulls out this beautiful sapphire ring with diamond clusters all around it. “Ah” he says, “There you are!”

That? It isn’t tarnished? It isn’t bent or broken or missing pieces? No, it is perfect and beautiful. It hurts my eyes it is so brilliant.  In my heart wells up the words, “You can do this, you are that ring. Brilliant, beautiful, full of sparkle and light.”  Anxiety? It’s one of the broken pieces, along with apathy, low self-esteem, fear, and distrust of God. Those are the costume pieces, they’re fake and worthless, they only serve to hide the real thing.

I am grateful God hasn’t pushed me aside because of the broken pieces I sometimes throw back in the box. I am grateful He could see that it wasn’t all of me. I am brilliant, beautiful, and full of sparkle and light.

Abound

[aboundmoirai]

Some tough love.

Dear friends,

here I am again to share my view on yet another struggle. Perhaps re-share my view, as I have probably shared this one previously.

Out here in rural America and I suppose in the not-so-rural parts of America, I am noticing a trend that is perhaps simply easy to see because I am single. Looking around my social and career environments, there are several single people of both genders but I hear different things from either side as to the reasons. I must preface this with two special notes: 1. Two Singles do not make a right Just because two people are single and geographically/socially near one another does not a match in heaven make. 2. This does not cover every situation/possibility, simply an opinion on circumstances.

Side A: We’ll call you guys the Bros. I hear a lot about how there aren’t any good women left in the world, how we only want your money, how we are constantly on the prowl for a better man, and how we can’t be trusted. In your defense, Bros, the majority of stereotypical women fit this description on various levels. However, there are good women left, I know this because I am one and I know quite a few. We are definitively the minority, no doubt. You have to work to find us and work even harder to deserve us. So, some tidbits of advice from a good woman. 1. Get your relationship with God straight. Be committed, be a learner, learn to both follow and lead from God. No one else can teach you how to be a good man. 2. Know what YOU want. What does your life look like? What kind of woman would work together with you in it? Do you want a stereotypical life of predictable outcomes with a majority woman? Do you want a life of adventure and change with a minority woman? You get what you are looking for in most cases, so quit pursuing relationships that don’t line up with what you want. 3. Be. The. Man. Society tries to tell us that gender roles are silly, antiquated, and sexist. But, society is pretty silly so why are we concerned with what they think? Are you interested in a minority lady? Have you made an effort to get to know her?Chuck the passivity, quit being terrified she’ll find out you’re interested, and be the man. Ask her out, make the effort to get to know her, don’t expect her to manufacture a relationship for you.  You won’t die if it doesn’t work out, you may simply gain a friend to understand this part of the journey with you or someone who is going to journey with you for the long haul.

Alright ladies, while some of the above applies, we have some more. Bros, keep reading and you might learn something.

1. Get your relationship with God straight. This is not gender specific, God knows how to heal that emotional mess you’ve got going on including the daddy issues, the past relationships, and even the future ones if you’ll trust Him. Mr. Wonderful is not God, don’t put him in that position. 2. Want an awesome Bro member of the minority? Be a minority lady. Pay your own bills, dress like you love yourself, stop being manipulative, untrustworthy, and useless. Do this because you want to be the best you can be, not to attract a man. You are worth more than the value a man places on you, so get to work on yourself. 3. Expect Respect You deserve the commitment and respect of marriage prior to a sexual relationship. Any man who presumes anything different is a majority, chuck him and move on knowing you are worth more than your body.

So, Bros- Man Up Ladies- Raise your standards for yourself and those you date.

This is not a recipe for success but just good sense. Even if you are single for the rest of your life (which is the minority fear), you will have made the effort to know God, know yourself, and know what you want in a relationship.

Welcome to minority living,

A.M.

[aboundmoirai]

The Good Fight

Many times, over my years as a Christ follower, I’ve read these words from 1 Timothy 6:12. I’ve always assumed it was an outward battle being referred to, our battle against evil in the world, etc. But tonight, the struggles of life helped to shine a light on this verse and give it a fuller meaning.

Fight the good fight of faith... On the inside. Huh? Everything should be al “faithy” in there already! Yeah right, we’d like to think so, that we’ve been endowed with a mysterious ability to trust an unseen God through no work of our own. Well, that’s just not realistic princess. This is a fight, one that goes on 24/7 whether we participate or are even aware. 

So, what does it look like? For me, right now, it looks pretty anti-climactic. It means working day in and day out to learn how to be who God made me to be, but not in a traditional way. I’m not sitting in a college classroom learning Hebrew or studying until I can’t see straight, God didn’t send me on that path. I’m learning it by reading, praying, researching, changing, creating habits, listening to mentors, and praying some more. By allowing myself to live in a world that constantly challenges me and makes me uncomfortable. EVERY DAY.

On the outside, there seems to be little change. I still get up each morning and go to work, still sit at my desk and eat my little lunch, come home to finish my day. For the most part, I see the same folks, have common issues and situations. My life isn’t exciting on the outside, I’m not burning up the roads changing the world right now.

But inside, my heart longs to be working to solve the problems our world is sinking in, to be an image bearer of a loving God, to be completely who He made me to be. Thankfully, I am on that path.

Here is the fight of faith, to stay committed and strong, moving forward with Christ despite the outside. My so-called reality isn’t glamorous and it may never be, but God made me extraordinary and I take it on faith that He’ll put that to use both inside and out. Stay strong in battle, keep moving forward.

In Faith,

Abound

[aboundmoirai]

An Ode to the Not So Simple Woman

You have all been witness to my path of self-discovery, a front row seat to my own personal Super Bowl. I say Super Bowl because there are two different teams competing here, the old guard team who has won this fight too many times to count, they have the rings to prove it, they’ve been to Disney World. We’ll call them Team One. Then there’s Team Two, the rookies that seem to be here either by an epic destiny or sheer fight, nobody knows but we admire their spirit.

Here’s the bio on Team One, follow my metaphor awhile here. Team One is my decision making process, social reactions, and general personality for the last 10 years or so. General being an important word here, as I was generally pretty boring. Team One is a simple, unemotional, downplayed personality that is truly unexciting and uninspired. As Team One my goals were very simple, get married to a decent enough fellow and follow his calling to whatever, be it fishing or ministry or working in a traditional career path. He would be all about staying with the roots mentality, grew up here and buried here. I wouldn’t want much, a small house and to go on vacation a couple of times a year, maybe a mission trip if I could take the time off work. There’s not really any problem with Team One, it is a simple and enjoyable life for those called to it. The problem exists when you aren’t. Living in pursuit of the Team One life left me completely unsatisfied, frustrated, and apathetic. I couldn’t figure out why I was so terrible at wanting a simple life, until I realized that I am on Team Two.

Before I go further, I need to explain Team Two. Team Two is the spark of the game, they’ve got heart and they put it on the line, they’re always thinking of new ways to play the game, move forward, help and push each other. They are what I always wanted to be, full of life and pursuing it. I realized recently that I am Team Two, I am one of them.

I am not a simple woman, I don’t want picket fences, kids running around, roots or to be tied down to any one place/job/idea. There’s no limit to the working of my mind to change, grow, empower, and move. I have one anchor, my faith in Christ, it is the one non-negotiable in my life and from it stems a passion for abundant life. The tenants of my faith offer much needed boundaries that keep me from hurting myself and others, but they do not confine me to a life half-lived. On the contrary, they open the doors for the life I have always wanted.The more I embrace Team Two, the more I have noticed a shift in my possibilities, relationships, attitudes and dreams. 

In terms of possibilities, I refuse to limit myself to one area of service. I have many talents, many ideas, many passions that are God-given and inspired. I am multi-faceted and can pursue those things without apology. I can fix, change, inspire, imagine, create, and even stand back to let another do the same. I can mentor, encourage, embrace, and pursue change in the lives of others. Because I am not limited by my own thoughts of who I “should” be and what I “should” want.

In terms of relationships, friendships have gotten deeper and conversations are more focused on bringing out the true personality and dreams in each other, not in a manipulative way but in an appreciative way. It is hard to help someone when you don’t know who you are, when you finally begin to accept and believe in who God made you to be it opens doors for others to do the same. Romantic relationships are the one area I was always a Team Two, never quite being willing to date the good old boys of Team One. In the full embrace of Team Two, I will not consider any man who is not fully on board with a big life. He must be a vibrant and Godly man, one who can keep up with the way my mind and heart work. He must have a passion for helping people in world-changing ways. He is a unicorn, even for Team two, but so am I.

In terms of attitude and dreams, I am not trying to fit in a box anymore; I am me. I am welcoming, funny, deep, and passionate. I am overwhelming, intimidating, and challenging. All of these are great because they are how God made me, not simple, not easy going, and not a light commitment.

Team Two is the rookie team, I’ve got years of learning and growing ahead. The road is very bright  now that I embrace who I am and I pray you do the same. Seek abundant life in Christ, on whichever Team God calls you to and serve Him with a fulfilled soul.

To the Not So Simple,

Abound