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Mentally i’m here.

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re: Asagiri saying a lot of people working on bsd have asked him to write about Chuuya from Dazai's point of view yet Asagiri refuses because for all his intent and purposes the answer is "Dazai just doesn't like Chuuya"

Asagiri. Asagiri come sit with me. Asagiri do you realize how much this statement makes Dazai's internal monologue about Chuuya much more intriguing? He doesn't like Chuuya.

In Fifteen, his irritation comes from his perception of Chuuya as a shallow violent guy who's just looking for the biggest enemy (Arahabaki) to beat up. He doesn't like him. Turns out this perception was wrong. He still doesn't like him. Chuuya turns out to be someone who struggles with his humanity in perhaps a more relatable way than Dazai ever expected. And he doesn't like him. Seeing Chuuya and Rimbaud fight inspires Dazai to give a new go at life, and he conspires with everything he has to make Chuuya join the Port Mafia to be his underling. But he doesn't like him.

Then comes Storm Bringer, during which a guy comes along and wants to kill Dazai and take Chuuya away, and Dazai fights tooth and nail to prevent both from happening. He doesn't like him. Dazai vehemently denies the possibility of Chuuya being an artificial human. He doesn't like him. Dazai is uncomfortable for having to tell Chuuya their best course of action would get rid of the last remaining lead they have over his origins, to the point he starts planning for not doing it. And he doesn't like him.

Dazai has contributed to building up years of mutual trust between him and Chuuya. He doesn't like him. Chuuya is always executing Dazai's plans nearly perfectly. He doesn't like him. For a few minutes Dazai considered the possibility he would be drowning Chuuya for real and took the time to reminisce about their good times together. He doesn't like him. He was partnered with Chuuya for a maximum of 3 years, statistically probably a lot less, yet he insists on saying they've known each other for 7 years and still calls Chuuya partner once in a while. But he doesn't like him.

What could possibly be going on inside his head for all of the above to be true at the same time? He's admitted more than once to thinking about Chuuya night and day... but it was of ways to kill Chuuya, so it's fine, obviously, because it means he doesn't like him!!!

Asagiri. I understand your simple words of dismissal as a way to warn your readers you have no intention of pushing that particular thread further in your writing. But Asagiri. Do you not see the monster, this walking mass of contradictions, that you've created? What do you mean he "just doesn't like Chuuya"? Not Chuuya angst this ain't about him I'm holding Dazai up by the scruff and waving him around like a prop. What were his motivations then? Why does he do any of this? What unknown depth of character hides in those cracks, Asagiri?

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A book about how to live, a book about how to die

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Whenever I see people talk about how Dazai can't kill now that he's on the side that saves people I can't help but just... Dazai's resolution was to join the side that helps and saves people and make the world a more beautiful place. He didn't take on Oda's philosophy of not killing. He might have learned to respect others' lives more since joining a world that frowns upon murder, but like

He joined the Armed Detective Agency. His boss was ready to have another employee of his kill Dazai if Dazai had been a threat to others. Dazai made sure the culprit behind his first case as an ADA member, Sasaki, was killed because it was the only way to prevent even more deaths. He helped Chuuya punch a hole through Lovecraft's chest because his power was scary and unknown and then helped Chuuya blow him into dust.

AND ALSO

don't worry the Meursault guards are just having a little nap. Just resting their eyes. They're just so tired.

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there is so much to unpack in such a little excerpt. This is from the exchange between Mori and Oda near the start of Dark Era.

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I find that people who struggle with staying alive the most usually have the best takes on life.

It's a common misconception that suicidal people hate life and everything about it but from what I can tell they seen to appreciate or value it more. Be more fascinated by the dandelion growing through the sidewalk and carefully step around it. People that live easily call it a weed and move on.

I think people leave out the part of Dazai that sees humans as a wonder, they make him cold or resentful towards them when what he does every time he finds someone bright and alive is cling to them. Even going as far as to submerge himself into a place that's full of humans who are the equivalent of plants growing through cement knowing he won't feel like he fits there, and people say he hates humanity.

Of course we know that he does fit there because if any character has been growing up through the cracks to see only the smallest bit of sunlight its Dazai.

It's a weird garden they have growing but I think it's pretty that way.

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Dark Era: Dazai and Akutagawa

The Scene in Dark Era where Dazai shoots Akutagawa was abusive and messed up, but sadly justified on Dazai's end.

Now this may sound harsh but let's take a step back from the emotions the scene causes and look at it purely logical and analytical. (No I am not excusing the abuse Akutagawa went through. Dazai had no right to abuse him but this scene is more than abuse.)

What happens in this scene?

Per Dazai's orders as an Executive within the Port Mafia agents from Mimic were captured to be taken to Kouyou for interrogation, as is her department. Akutagawa then kills the hostages in retaliation for the casualties the Mafia suffered at the hands of Mimic. Dazai proceeds to punch and shoot Akutagawa.

In essence this is what happened: Akutagawa disregarded direct orders of his executive in front of multiple people and said executive. Plain and simple, this is insubordination.

We know, due to Stormbringer, that insubordination of the Boss and his executives (who essentially work as extensions of the Boss within the BSD Mafia) is a death sentence. It's at the same level as betrayal.

So, while messed up and abusive, Dazai's reaction can be classified as a mercy. Had it been another executive or Mori, Akutagawa would be dead. And no, you can not use that Chuuya cares for Akutagawa as an argument against Akutagawa dying here were it Chuuya. Chuuya's loyality is to the Mafia and Mori in a situation like this. We saw this at the end of the Guild Arc when Chuuya asked Mori what punishment Akutagawa should face for disregarding Mafia orders and going on to the Moby Dick. Since the moment in Dark Era is a similar case, it is safe to assume Chuuya would have asked Mori for the punishment and then delivered it.

Now here comes the much more interesting part about this scene I sadly do not see talked about. (If you find posts talking about it please send them my way!)

This scene shows us, in a very subtle way, how the dynamic between Akutagawa and Dazai works.

But how? Let's count it: - Akutagawa is very self assured in his insubordination. - Dazai gives him a chance to speak up about his reasoning, to defend himself and ask for forgiveness for his blatant insubordination. - Akutagawa in turn arrogantly doubles down on his decision. - Dazai punishes him.

While Dazai framed the moment at the end as a teaching moment with his comment about Akutagawas use of Rashomon, it is mostly a punishment. Yes there are 2 moments that can be seen as a teaching moment but what Dazai does is in fact nothing more than a punishment in his eyes.

(Giving Akutagawa the chance to think about his rash action was the first teaching moment btw)

Now the way the scene is handeled with it's framing tells us something interesting about the relationship between Dazai and Akutagawa.

Dazai actively favours Akutagawa with his treatment.

But how? It's a good question because the answer is very much hidden.

Both characters treat the situation as something usual. This in turn tells us that Akutagawa often commits insubordination against Dazai. And only Dazai, since Dazai takes him under his wing as his direct and only student. (This is made clear in the short where he actually recruits a younger Akutagawa) This means that Dazai does favour his student above other subordinates rather openly. We know he would not let this slide with other people under his command. The scene at the beginning of the Dark Era LN with Hirotsu shows this.

Akutagawa's reaction to being shot also tells us that this is the first time Dazai points a weapon at him. While not expecting, but accepting, the punch he did not expect to face a harsher punishment than this.

He is visibly surprised. But not just him.

In the Anime adaption (which is the best LN adaption in BSD) we see that even the other subordinates around them only become surprised when Dazai draws the gun and shoots Akutagawa.

Did Dazai think Akutagawa would survive being shot at? 100% yes. He even says as much after the fact.

(This is actually what makes teaching moment number 2, since he remarks that Akutagawa "finally" managed to protect himself with Rashomon. This tells us that they were actively training this and Akutagawa was failing at it for some time already.)

In short: - Akutagawa feels very much secure in his position at Dazai's side, despite the regular abuse. - Dazai favours Akutagawa openly enough within the PM that other subordinates are surprised when Akutagawa faces an openly harsh punishment. - Akutagawa, in committing insubordination, regulary disrespects Dazai as his superior and Dazai let's it slide. This is something that mirrors the relationship between Dazai and Mori, as Dazai does disrespect Mori in private and Mori let's this slide. (The biggest difference in this relationship mirror is that Dazai never disrespects Mori in front of other people.)

In my eyes (and I hope we learn more soon) this also shows that Dazai's abuse of Akutagawa has multiple reasons. - Dazai sees himself in Akutagawa. Dazai also hates himself and blames himself for shortcomings so he projects this onto Akutagawa, who he then abuses because of it. - A warped sense of care. In his own, very fucked up, way Dazai does care for Akutagawa. Is he good at showing it? Absolutely not. He wants Akutagawa to be stronger than Dazai himself is, he wants him to be better. So he favors him but also abuses him. - He favors Akutagawa so Akutagawa needs to get strong extremely fast to avoid a conflict within the ranks of the Mafia. - Dazai tries to get Akutagawa as strong as possible as fast as possible since Akutagawa effectively went from joining to third highest rank in 10 seconds and needs to prove himself in front of everyone else, not just Dazai's eyes. In this he ends up abusing Dazai because he himself is a child with a very limited understanding of teaching. What he does know, through Mori as his teacher, is that cruelty and abuse are effective teaching methods that work faster than proving patience and taking things slow.

(am I saying that Mori physically abused Dazai? No. But he, as shown in Beast and Fifteen, honestly answers to the questions his students ask him. It is entirely possible that he simply told Dazai different teaching methods and Dazai decided on the fastest one instead of the best and most effective.)

To summarize: The scene is a punishment for direct insubordination and shows us, the viewer, a deeper look into the relationship between Akutagawa and Dazai.

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虎

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my bestie found this an I thought I’d share with the class

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Thinking about how Chuuya's father-son relationship with Adam plays into the metaphor of 'Child of Adam, which inadvertently proves his humanity and presents the Abel and Cain dynamic with Verlaine. Abel being the younger brother and a shepherd, (King of The Sheep) and them both giving offerings to God (Guivre and Arahabaki), but God only favoring one of them (Chuuya being able to in-part accept his humanity), and Cain killing him in response (Verlaine stripping Chuuya of his loved ones.) It also drives the point home when you think about the fact that Verlaine's kill signature is a white cross made of birch.

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so Nikolai cradled a random man’s hand? He is carrying around a random man’s severed arm? 😭

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do you ever think about how in the day i picked up dazai side b dazai had to lie emotionless and soulless—like a corpse, almost—beside the man that gently brought him in, nursed his injuries, held him while he was in pain? he had to keep those suffocating bandages around his entire face, lest this man gain some sort of recognition for the little boy he saved. he had to lay there curled in the fetal position, bleeding and in pain, perhaps thinking about how, in another life, this man cooked for him, tried to build up his strength. read to him to pass the time while he curled up against him like a child listening to a bedtime story. played cards with him. saw through the heartless mafioso. the ruthless killer. and instead saw a boy.

imagine knowing this man, the man who saved you in more ways than one, was going to die one day all because he knew you. because he reached his hand into the darkness and plaintively, like a small child wanting a parent's touch, you grasped back desperately. imagine thinking all of that while that man is just a stone's throw away, making coffee in the next room just like he used to for you in another life. the scent, although you've never been here before, is reminiscent of home. and the tune he's humming? it's the silent melody that plays through your mind seven years later, for the last time as you fall backward off the building with your arms out like an embrace. but, hey. that man is alive. he's happy, although he never knew you. you can die with no regrets.

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youngest executive in the history of the port mafia

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Rant ahead, prolly gonna delete later

TW: gender dysphoria, fetishization of trans men in fanfiction

Idk if it’s just me but I’m a trans guy who typically won’t touch “trans male [character]” smut fics with a ten foot pole. I’ve found a handful that are respectfully written, but for the most part they make me feel so fucking uncomfortable. It’s like the (non-trans) writers don’t see trans men as real men. There’s frequent untagged feminization, excessively feminine terms, and an alarming number of pregnancy fics. I get that some people like these things, and I respect that, but that’s pretty much ALL that’s out there. It’s like they want to write for a m/m ship but only want to write m/f smut, so they slap “trans” on there. It’s so blatantly obvious that the majority of these writers have never done a drop of research on what it means to be trans masc, much less MET a trans masc person irl.

Not only that, complaining about it makes YOU the bad guy. I made a post on the AO3 subreddit back when I first joined it (aka before I knew better) just kind of venting about the way trans characters are written in fics. I was a lot more gentle and understanding about it than I’m being here btw. And instantly the post got flooded with comments saying that “just because you don’t like it doesn’t mean other people don’t.” Or “my roommate’s boyfriend’s brother is trans and he doesn’t care about that stuff.” Or that people are free to write whatever they want and if I don’t like it I shouldn’t be reading it. (My favorite one was “I’m cis but I don’t see an issue”) I ended up deleting the post.

Back in February there was this fic I read that did all that same shit and it pissed me off. Untagged feminization, afab language, the whole shebang. And I KNOW that author wouldn’t have treated the character that way if they were writing a cis man. For legal reasons, this comment was not written by me, but it was deleted by the author right away with no response.

I blocked them and moved on.

I guess what brought all these emotions back was a post I saw where someone was complaining about other cultures being written in an accidentally offensive way in fics. The same people who tore down my post (and others like it) were suddenly all into the idea of respecting the cultures you write, doing research on them, etc. How is trans culture any different? Why is it “um actually some trans guys like being feminized” but then “these cultural stereotypes are offensive and the author should do better?”

Not too long ago, I decided to start writing trans characters in fics. It was really tough for me, since I had to battle a lot of my own dysphoria, but I felt like it was worth it if it meant there was just one more fic out there to make trans people feel seen and respected. Being seen as a real man and being trans should not be mutually exclusive. It’s possible to be both. And it’s painfully obvious when the writer doesn’t see it like that.

If you’re trans and you feel the same way about all this, lmk. Sometimes I feel like I really am the unreasonable one and that I’m all alone here and it really fucks with my head.

And if you’re cis and wanting to write trans characters, I implore you to learn about us first. Trans people are not a shortcut to writing m/f smut. They have their own unique experience of the world that needs to be taken into account if you’re going to write them respectfully. Listen to trans voices. Please.

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Immediately had to paint this page, this is one of my favorite pages ever now (thanks to @nineofscans for the scan and translation!)