aboutitnot

[aboutitnot]

we can be friends

i don’t really feel attracted to you

but maybe sometimes we can have drunk sex.

i’m far more attracted to other people

but you’re nice too.

i’m just kind of over it.

just kind of checked out and not really connected.

i’m not sure i want to be

but we can be nice and be friends.

if you make effort maybe

but i’m kinda done.

[aboutitnot]

i do love you

and i like you enough

but i wouldn’t call you a friend.

and i don’t like certain things about you

and the ways that you are.

or i should say

that i’m just tired of those things.

the things that used to not bother me

bug me.

and we can be okay together

when you decide to be present.

you don’t make me swoon

it really make me want you.

i like the things you do

like pull my hair and hold my arms

but that’s a thing you do

and you’re the only one i would let do that.

i want to have sex with you

because i want sex

but like the other night when i get so drunk

i’m barely coherent.

i may not have blacked out

but it was not me that you fucked.

so i didn’t get to do anything

and you end up with a horribly warped idea of who i am and what i like.

when i’m that drunk i will do nearly literally anything.

and it’s not me doing it.

i feel like a thing to you.

and maybe that’s what you are to me now.

i don’t know.

i want to have sex

good sex.

and you’re the only one i can do anything with.

maybe i need to loosen up

and get back to my routines

to feel better about myself.

that’s step one.

if i’m not happy, do something about it.

[aboutitnot]

it doesn’t feel like we’re friends.

that’s what gets me.

it doesn’t feel good to talk to you most of the time

it feels like you’re appeasing me or using me to get off

and it feels weird and transactional.

it’s a weird relationship dynamic and i don’t like it.

i’m going to work on me.

i’m going to work on making myself happy in my own skin

and feeling better about myself

and you can do whatever

but if you want me

earn me.

talk to me.

ask me questions.

it’s not hard.

[aboutitnot]

i’m craving something that doesn’t exist.

i’m longing for something that’s not real.

i’m hurt.

we’ve grown apart.

how much was close?

can we get back there?

is there somewhere else?

i don’t like when you like me.

i don’t like it.

i want to dress cute. be cute.

but it feels back with you.

i don’t know quite why.

[aboutitnot]

maybe this is as good as it gets for anyone

maybe it just is.

you can’t build a life on magic and fleeting fancies

but it doesn’t stop me from wanting more.

what did we build a life on?

not going through particularly difficult things

and spending time together.

but now we’ve gone through tough things

and we’re not together.

i grew apart

you did too.

i got angry

so did you.

there’s history but it hurts.

we can have patience with each other

and i don’t like talking to you about anything that matters to me.

i never really did.

there is a way to get what i want

but i don’t really want it

and it would cost me just about everything.

[aboutitnot]

when i’m upset i can’t lean on you.

you don’t take me seriously and don’t support me.

i’m on my own.

i’m so mad and annoyed with you

this whole year,

this whole situation with you and me and everything we went through

really just highlighted how much we drifted.

how mismatched we came to be and how much i hated it.

[aboutitnot]

i’m so frustrated and i take it out on you.

i’m frustrated with myself

and annoyed that everything with us

i’ve let it get to me so bad this year.

i’m so so so mad that you can’t support me in the way i need you to

even when i ask

even when i am so clear it hurts me

you can’t.

and it hurts.

it sucks.

it makes me sick with anger and resentment

and it makes me want to scream and cry and yell at you

and tell you i hate you and i hate this and i hate it all

and i just want freedom.

and maybe once this is all over i can find peace

but i’ll always remember this.

i’ll always remember how you let me down and left me to fail

and i’ll always remember falling and having to pick myself up on my own

and how alone i am

and how right i was.

and how this whole thing broke something in me with you

and i don’t know if i want to build it back

even if i could.

[aboutitnot]

i’ve been horny for a little bit

just constantly desperate for it.

connection, fucking.

feeling good.

i felt pangs of wanting to do it with you

we have before.

there’s been good times.

but lately it’s disappointing.

i’m not turned on by you like at all.

almost the opposite.

i want you to turn me on

i like having my breasts touched, enjoyed

but it really kinda put me off when you did last night.

i was wine drunk

sitting in front of you.

feeling cute

tiny top on

and my chest looked awesome.

so of course you were staring.

but when you put your hands on me

it just

felt like nothing.

annoying.

like i could tell you were enjoying it

but it felt very transactional.

like here

touch a breast

get yourself off.

i felt very removed from it.

like you didn’t like me just my breasts.

because you don’t really like me

and we don’t have a connection

and i don’t want to ask you about things

and i don’t want you to use my body to get off.

use someone else.

i don’t know.

i’m sure it’s a mix of different things.

i don’t have a ton of actual sensation there anymore like i used to.

it used to feel really good

now it’s just kinda meh.

so i’m sure that’s a big part of the disconnect

but even then

even when you touch my neck or my waist or my legs

i just

don’t want it.

it feels lecherous.

i like things.

i like to kiss

to be kissed.

i like to be fawned over

obsessed over

loved.

but i don’t feel like that with you.

i feel used.

you don’t do much for me at all.

you turn me off.

i want to be hot and fun and not with you.

i can do my own thing.

i’m hot as hell.

i never thought i’d get here

to a place where i want almost meaningless sex

instead of sharing with you like i always did.

i want to have experiences with someone that makes my heart skip a beat

and my breath catch

and my body light on fire with touch.

i’ve already gotten crushes that make me feel like that

it’s possible with someone else.

people fall head over heels for people all the time

someone could feel like that for me.

i don’t know what action i can take from any of this.

but i want to drink less.

i want to celebrate and enjoy my time.

i don’t want to do things with him that aren’t planned out

no just hanging out.

no dinners out

because we have nothing to talk about

and frankly i just really don’t like it.

and i don’t want to.

i’ll say no to those.

i need to follow my body and listen to it

not push myself when i feel bad.

if i get horny enough maybe we’ll have sex

but i don’t want you to touch me.

i want to get fucked in a way that feels good.

oh my gosh i need to get fucked so bad

[aboutitnot]

this is the first year we’re not doing anything for our anniversary.

i don’t really want to either.

i didn’t even think to get you anything.

you wanted to plan something a few weeks ago, but i shut that down.

we spent the entire weekend together

and i barely wanted to touch you.

when i did it felt strange.

i wanted to want it but i didn’t.

i didn’t think much about myself.

i’m just not excited to spend time with you anymore.

i don’t really want to share things with you.

i want to get through this work,

i want to do what i need to do and celebrate when i’m done, but i don’t want to do it with you.

like i really don’t.

enough to make me not want to do anything because i’ll have to do it with you.

i wonder how much of my depression is from being with you sucking the life out of me.

i used to be happy, sometimes.

i used to look forward to things with you.

now we’re not close.

we’re barely friends it feels like.

i wouldn’t call you mine and i haven’t been one to you.

i’m losing myself in fake worlds and stories because it’s far better than what i have for real.

my head hurts.

i want to be free.

[aboutitnot]

you’re going to miss him.

that’s okay.

it wasn’t all bad.

it’s okay to miss things

it’s normal to feel sad.

you’re grieving.

but no one ever died from missing someone

and he doesn’t miss you.

it’s hard to be on your own after so long.

it’s worse to be stuck with someone that makes you feel like shit all the time.

it’s hard to miss the easy things

but it’s worse to go to bed angry and cry and be alone in your own home.

it hurts to end it.

but it would have hurt you worse to stay.

you’ll be okay.

it’s not the end for you.

cut it off completely.

block him out.

no going back.

don’t let him string you along anymore.

don’t let him keep you on the hook like he always did.

you’re a better person without his negativity.

without him dragging you down

without having to make excuses for him

your stomach in knots.

you can do what you want now.

anything.

make friends.

make mistakes.

be yourself without him stifling you.

it’s okay to feel everything you’re feeling

but you’re going to be okay.

you are enough.

[aboutitnot]

we don’t fit.

we don’t fit.

i don’t want this.

we don’t fit.

[aboutitnot]

i want us to get better.

i think.

but i don’t know how.

i feel bad with you.

this is it.

this is all it will ever be now.

life doesn’t get easier

and i can’t count on you to be by my side

and take care of me when it counts.

i don’t want this.

you don’t have my back.

you’re not nice to me.

i’m done.

i’m done.

i’m tired and i’m mean.

i’m spent.

i’m exhausted.

i push you too hard because i don’t care if i get it right anymore.

fuck you.

bye.

you’re not trying to keep me.

not in a way that matters.

do whatever the fuck you want.

i’m done.

i want to be done.

[aboutitnot]

i’m so fucking mad at you.

you make me so fucking angry.

so so so angry.

i’m so full of resentment i can’t fucking stand it.

[aboutitnot]

i could let go of my resentment

i could relax and let you in

but i really don’t want to.

it keeps biting me.

i keep getting that sick sinking feeling

forcing myself to be pliant

to hold you

to kiss you

and i really don’t want to.

i want space.

i want my own life back

if i ever even had it.

i feel stuck.

i feel trapped.

i feel like i don’t know what i want

but i know what i don’t want.

i don’t know if that’s you.

it’s convenient to have you around

a default person to do things with

a default partner to be around

but what if i don’t want that anymore?

what if the reality and the feeling have strayed from that?

i feel so shitty with you so often.

you let me down so much.

what good is there to chase?

i don’t know.

i don’t know.

[aboutitnot]

it’s such a habit to hide the pain and the discomfort

to choke down my own feelings and bury them

to try and support the peace of those around me.

i don’t remember everything that you did

but remember how you made me feel.

you made me feel worthless.

disposable. an accessory.

to be used and discarded

ignored until wanted.

you used me.

took advantage of my body and my nature.

maybe you didn’t realize it.

maybe sometimes you did.

i don’t know.

i don’t know that i care.

your promises are empty.

your words are just air.

your touch is cruel and vacant.

now i’m using you.

i know i am.

i know i have.

i’ve told you i loved you when i didn’t mean it

but it wasn’t the first time.

you don’t mean much to me anymore.

i shut down.

i pull away.

i stop talking.

i go vacant, flat, empty.

it sucks the life out of me to be around you sometimes.

the idea of us is nice.

but it’s not real.

reality is i don’t like you.

you’re impatient, selfish, thoughtless

you can’t imagine putting aside yourself for someone else.

you can’t imagine being in someone’s shoes.

you can’t admit when you did something wrong enough to fix it.

you wallow.

you blame.

you get angry.

you hit things. break them.

well it looks like you pushed me to that point too.

you broke me. you broke my heart and my spirit.

you broke me.

i’m hardened now.

i don’t believe in the things i used to believe in.

true love. patience. sacrifice.

it doesn’t mean anything

what did we have when i wasn’t breaking apart for us?

when i wasn’t panicking, terrified to lose you?

what did we have when i didn’t give you everything because i believed maybe, someday, somehow, you might be capable of giving it back to me?

i was wrong.

it wasn’t my fault.

i tried.

i broke.

im done.

[aboutitnot]

i’m hurt.

i’m hurt by the incompatibility

i’m hurt by the thoughtlessness

and the assumptions.

i don’t know what i liked about you.

you’re kind, but not to me, not really.

and not in your job that made you an asshole.

you’re funny but i don’t like your jokes.

you’re objectively hot but are you really?

i almost wish that you would fall for someone else.

give me an out.

give me the chance to leave and not be the bad guy.

maybe you would. i know that you could.

i don’t know that i want to be yours anymore.

[aboutitnot]

i can’t do this anymore.

it feels like i’m being jerked around

led on and let down.

i don’t know where to let you be.

are we just roommates

that have sex a few times a year

when i can’t take it anymore?

is there a relationship?

do i want to be around you?

do i only want the idea, something that doesn’t really exist?

i don’t know what i expected.

i don’t even know what i wanted from you

but if i felt like we were closer i was wrong.

if i felt like maybe i could count on you to want to do something for me

i was wrong.

intention is great

wanting to is wonderful

saying something is fine

but then you just fucking don’t.

and i’m tired of it.

i’m sick of it.

i’m done.

i’m not putting myself in a place where you can hurt me like you always do.

you make me feel like shit.

like i’m worthless.

not worth any fucking effort.

not worth talking to

or planning with

or trying.

how many times is too many times?

how fucking long is too long?

how much give do i have to give before i break?