aboynameddash

[aboynameddash]

I'm so tired of trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong not having the life I want. For some reason I think I'm just supposed to be alone because people just keep disappointing me. but I'm just so tired of being let down and being affected. I'm tired of falling into this hole of depression and I'm so sick and tired of over extending and for what.

[aboynameddash]

office job was a flop but I got the job at lululemon. Problem is, do I want to jeopardize my unemployment for a part time job? but lets be honest - what really am I losing? its not like I'm going to travel with that stupid brit brat anymore...man the more I entertain that idea, the more glamorous and right it felt. To be on unemployment and travel around the world with someone. Ok but I didnt ruin it, lets be honest, I didn't. it just simply ran it's course and got way too fucking complicated. Something about it just didn't feel right and it felt like he was stringing me along and well, we got our answer. I just can't shake the fact that I'm 30 years old and still fell into the love bomb trap. Because thats what happened. Ok, so he didn't necessarily do it in a sinister way, but he defintely wasn't as all in as he led onto be and he defintely wasn't genuine with his intentions even when he keeps trying to tell me he's been honest with me since day 1. The truth is, nothing adds up with him. It's been a month and all I can do is look back at this and laugh because I still can't believe I'm still wasting my time and energy thinking about this. He didn't want to make it work. he didn't. We keep running around in circles and it feels childish and it got boring towards the end so I needed to cut ties. And now I'm seriously thinking of just wiping off my whatsapp so I never see anything he messages me just to protect my peace and not let him sway me. Because let's be real. Two things can happen out of this: 1) he doesn't message me. Good riddance, I can continue with my healing and whatever it is I'm feeling right now. 2) he messages me but its just breadcrumbs again and I'm not equipped to handle that because at my point of healing, I WILL fall back into the trap and I know I deserve more right now.. The truth is, I dont need to hear it. I dont need to see it, I don't need anything more from this guy. He's served his purpose and if he's only seeing me as some girl he took on the boat, I should only see him as some guy who invited me on his adventure and that be it. We don't need to be friends. We don't need to be in each others lives. In fact, we dont even need to remember each other. I dont need to know what he's up to anymore because honestly its irrelevent. but for some reason he's still on my mind. I dont miss him. I have no desire to talk to him. I dont not wanna hear from him but at the same time I know I'm doing better than I'm leading on and I'm just bored.

[aboynameddash]

slowly but surely

had a pretty good start to the week and felt a big shift in energy and perspective, which is all I can really ask for at this time. I just had a random inkling that 1) everything is gonna be ok and 2) I really do have a lot going on for me despite where I am in life. It's about where it's gonna be. And right now the projected outcome is that I go to Columbia and come back to an office job that requires me to go in office 3 times a week and then a weekend job at lululemon.

[aboynameddash]

something big is coming, just you wait, jen

I'll keep telling myself that because these last few days have been rough. Like ok, I had a relatively social weekend and nothing can beat it - Spanish meet up to connecting with an old friend and then the next day seeing another old friend and then going out and telling people this story of how we met - we were dating these two guys who were drug addicts and met in AA. We were the girlfriends and just became good friends after that. The whole group was dying. And then the next day I slept all day and met up with Alex. Like, we completely fell back in touch and her new place looks amazing. She's such an adult now. Like I thought I'd feel remorse or jealousy but honestly I just felt a sense of peace and serene seeing her thrive. It gave me hope that everything works out for the better eventually. And I guess I knew that all along here... this is just a season jen. Like kickstarting your layoff in 2020, moving back in with your parents and moving down to San Diego, restarting a new life and then having to give it up again - it's a season and things will pick up again. But I just forgot how dull things can get, honestly. I've never been that afraid of not having an income and even more so, I dont think I've ever been this afraid of getting hurt again.

I think I finally mean it, and Salina was giggling when I told her this...I'm closing the door on dating opportunities for a while. I tried the whole romance fling and I tried the whole dating intentionally. The truth is, you'll meet people who want to make it work with you, but can only give so much just as long as you fit into their schedule...and that might as well tell me you don't want to make it work because that's so one sided. And then there's that whole full circle story with Chase. I think in the past I'd look at that story and think "what the fuck was all that syncronicity for?" I think that was only to send me the message that no matter how big or small a connection is, it'll find it's way back to you one way or another if it's meant to be. And like, ok this wasn't a connection that lasted, but that was enough for me to think "wow fate does play a card in a lot of these things and this was a sign"

I applied for a role at Tubi - well, I had moses submit me as a reference so it'll get noticed. If I get an interview there, it'll come full circle and finally things will fall into place ? I'm tired of feeling back to back tower moments. When am I ever gonna get a big break in my life. Things don't neccissarily have to fall together immediately and flawlessly, but I just wanna stop feeling lost and confused. Please, please please give me a sign that I'm doing the right thing. Please give me a sign that something big is coming into my life soon and please give me a sign of what actions to take next because at this point I'm running low on motivation and encouragement.

[aboynameddash]

I'm gonna be honest

you dont need to tell me, I already know. this isn't going anywhere beyond what it is and I'm 100% ok with that. but I dont think you know how frustrating it is to hear "you're hot and I wanna fuck you" when you spend so much time and energy working on yourself. Because thats all there ever really was in my life. I wait 3 dates, they fuck and leave. I wait 3 months, they fuck and leave. I dont know what I need to do to get what I want in this life.

[aboynameddash]

I can't believe the last time I had an entry was when the first time I caught gabe gaslighting me. I really should've just called it at that but NOPE I kept it going because I thought having company and help with moving would've been grand. and it truly was but the truth is, the guy was borderline bipolar and crazy. And I think I knew that front the start but told myself that if I just censored myself and understood that he was crazy, maybe it won't be so bad because it was temporary. But I mean...he said some pretty unhinged things. To this day, I'm here sitting like "did he really think he was fooling anyone but himself? I think he actually thought people believed all the stupid things he said like how international tickets just so happened to be cheap the day I leave san diego and that I shouldn't compare my move to his "life changing trip" Not sure what he means by that but I'll never forget what he said.

So I'm not gonna lie. I've been here for almost a week and it's been lovely don't get me wrong, but I kind of miss my routine back at home. I thought I would be better at spanish by now but here I am burnt the fuck out. I dont want to speak english but I just feel like I've plateaued in my learning and I borderline think the teacher's teaching style sucks. Like she's not making learning creative or fun and I can almost feel the same from Rico and Fritz who have been around with different teachers. So here I am trying to get a spanish teacher. I can afford her 3 times a week thank god, but we'll go ahead and give it a try Thursday first and then I'll go ahead and pause next week. Luckily, its moderately affordable living out here so I'm not exactly in a rush to go back. In fact, yesterday I did laser hair removal and surprisingly the lady spoke really good english. so here she is lasering my arm pits and it was legit nothing. So much so that I decided to do my legs also and it came out to fucking $11 USD. for both. I think I'll spend less money lasering my whole body than I do with one session of waxing back at home. I'll be here for the next session but I want to do my brazillian and since I JUST waxed a few days ago, I wasn't able to do it until next month. So I guess I'll just start here and either decide to stay another month or head home to continue my (more expensive) sessions there.

[aboynameddash]

He's gaslighting you and he's painting you a bad picture. He totally used the asshole card against you and remember this: he invited you out today and because you weren't head over heels for it yesterday, he plays the "whatever" card and ignores you all day even though he said he would follow up. You call him to ask him whos fault it was that he didnt follow up even though he said he would and he said it was both of our faults because I could've texted him earlier and not say "I can make other plans" when I know its true

he's super gaslighty and kind of a lot and I dont think its me at all. I tihnk he wants to own and control me

telling me he wants to travel but then all of a sudden the reason why he hasnt booked anything is because of enviornmental issues is bullshit. I really believe he made that up just to fluff up his bullshit life and I'm kind of getting ick billy vibes from him. I can kind of see it but really its mostly because I'm alone in a city I'm about to leave from and I just wanna have fun but let this document my misery with this guy - hes crazy. He's manipulative and gaslighty. He is no good and he will continue his ways.

[aboynameddash]

A week after IRL and I honestly felt so priveleged to be apart of something that magical. Like, being able to participate in something like that was all I ever dreamed of growing up. It was tampered by these brats one of them being my recruiter, C and this little troll, P. I knew I was gonna be super annoyed with her because shes expressed frsutration because she didnt get a promotion. She openly mentioned to people she’s looking for a new job and have told everyone she lives paycheck by paycheck and complains she doesn’t make enough when she literally is the highest paying RC. So theres that. Here I am trying to keep myself composed and have a good time and then theres her who I feel like is doing everything wrong. Goes around talking about how she’s moving soon, doesn’t make enough, has no savings and then brags about these lavish vacations, facials and massages she gets. It makes no sense, but here she is. I’m not quite sure how and why she thinks that type of behavior gets herself far but I think the cherry on top was 2 things: bragging to us on details of her dating life/how she was being hit on/the guy on the finance team...In front of leads. Like shes openly embarassing herself talking about how she wants to marry rich and become a stay at home mom. The second cherry, because we dont have enough cherries on this sundae was when she felt the need to update me on changes directly effecting me with my recruiter...and then bragging “c and I have been talking A LOT” ok you fuckers, you talk, everyone with eyes can see that but did you really think it was appropriate to bring it up in a setting like volleyball and right before someone hosts an event? of course not but she didnt take into consideration because she didnt know any better. HE on the other had should know better. Here he is spreading news and information that should be kept private to someone who it doesnt even include and on top of that, a power play in politics. He shouldn’t be discussing it in that matter with someone like her because bitch can’t stfu. I dont need the whole team knowing my business and on top of that, when I confronted him about it, it he was both condescending and defensive. All in all, it was unhelpful and theres a big part of me that was so relieved when noor told me today that they will be switching him out and pulling them into each other because all I can think is they can now trip and hang each other. Theres no way they’re going to keep people like him around and for her, I dont know why they’re keeping her around. but I’m not gonnalie, the fact that people like her are praised and is still around, makes me think I’m getting too old for a job like this...why are we tolerating this type of behavior?

[aboynameddash]

a week before discord IRL and I applied for a role at a company that’s supposed to be huge here in sd. TBH I’‘m not that serious about leaving, theres too many reasons to stay- decent work culture, good pay, pre-ipo, and I think the whole decent work culture and stability helps considering all the bullshit I went through my last few jobs. I had one year of stability/coming out of my shell/getting settled and now I’m just bored. Like I know this job too much and now I’m just comfortable. I’m comfy in san diego, I’m comfy in my job, I’m comfy being single - I’m not challenging myself anymore and I long for the days I was always working towards something. So here I am, semi looking for my new adventure and here I am reaching out for resources to try to get me into Ilumnia or at least try to.

I havent really been journalling or writing lately because nothing in life has really been stimulating me, not to mention I’ve been semi busy. By semi I mean, the last few weeks, it was 4th of july, so we mostly spent the weekend by the pool and at pool parties, then I pretty much just skipped my 4th of july plans in coronado because I wasnt feeling up to it. And then last weekend, I went camping with Juliet and by camping, it was just a tent on a vinyard. She took some great pictures and it was pretty fun I guesss. This weekend, I’m going to a sample sale in venice beach

[aboynameddash]

I like how I’ve just been loligagging for the last hour or so. I took my time getting to moes and sat in the car for like almost an hour listening to the bass in my car. I deleted ig app last week thinking it was just super unhealthy for me to sit and stare into the lives of other people when I myself have been such a hot mess lately. I can’t pinpoint what it is. I can’t seem to zoom out and find perspective and something cool to fixate on anymore. I feel like I’m just going through the motions of life and am once again struggling to find meaning and purpose in myself let alone trying to find it in dating or relationships. I dont really know where it kind of came from but I think it just stems from being...bored. As weird as it sounds, in the past there have always been one thing that triggers it, and that was my living situation. But I thought I fixed that! I moved out on my own and stayed on my own. I moved to a new place when my last place wasnt serving me anymore and I thought I did it pretty gracefully and all on my own. So what is it? I’m tired of blaming things like “oh I just moved into this place” - it’s been almost 5 months. “oh the weather’s been terrible lately” - yeah we had a pretty sunny weekend. I dont really know what’s gonna give me dopamine or seratonin anymore and I really don’t know what I’m doing wrong other than the fact that I was fine and then all of a sudden I feel so....low. Like if I just dropped dead in the next few minutes, nobody I know would care or find out for at least a day or something. Nobody will be looking for me or waiting for me to come home (except maybe dasher, and I think thats the only thing that’s keeping me from actually falling down that cycle right now) and I guess I’m just unsure of where this is all leading and what the point of anything is now. am I going somewhere in life? am I staying stagnent? Do I need to find a new purpose in life by quitting my job and going abroad? I keep self sabotaging and changing my mind - I keep thinking “maybe I’ll do this” and then talk myself out of it because why bother? I keep drinking to mask the feeling and I feel like I’m trying to keep it under control but its just lonely af, I’m not gonna lie. Do I need to be around people? I dont really get it... I thought this was what I wanted. Like I can’t be the only person feeling this. The feeling of emptiness, the boredom and feeling like its never gonna end. it’s high functioning anxiety I get it. I cut people out of my life .

I want more people like Christine and Krystl irl - those people that ignite a fire and nostalgia in my brain and make me feel fufilled and whole without doing much. I want something that wakes me tf up and just take me out of my everyday mundane life because what really is the meaning of life? trying to do simple things that make you happy - and what is that ? I remember almost 5  years ago when I first went to therapy through tubi I went and saw this man who told me I was in the thick of a quarter life crisis when I really wanted him to prescribe me some antidepressents.

[aboynameddash]

3/26/23 - 3/31/23

Sunday march 26 I allowed myself to feel like a loser for one more day so I pretty much day drank and facetimed mommy since it was her bithday. We sent her a huge bouquet of flowers and I eventually left the house kind of tipsy and took a long walk around balboa park and it was actually kinda nice to get steps in. Then I came home, took a short nap, felt like shit and guilty for no damn reason, went out again to get some pizza and then circled back, did some self care and felt a little better .tHat was the last time I washed my hair lool

Monday March 27 I worked and then took dash out to the dog park, trolley barn and then this random soccer turf acroiss the street fom pop pie

Tuesday March 28 I worked and randomly decided to take Dasher out to little italy dog park and a long walk around water front park wwhich was lovely because the weather was great and I was crampy and bloaty. I didnt really source for a coffee shop which I really should start but it was later at night and I was moody. I then called for a massage and got mcdonalds chicken nuggets and mini fry for dinner

Wednesday March 29 Went to homegoods later at night with Seanna, but before that I took a good ass nap for like less than an hour but for some reason I woke up confused on what day and time it was. Like legit, I looked at the clock and thought it was 5 something instead of 6pm. 

Thursday March 30 Seanna and I decided to take a befit pilates class but guess what? it was opening day and due to the rain, they postponed first pitch to way later during our class. So not only was it already fucking hard getting into the parking lot (which was impossible to find), it was crowded af. We ended up just taking a walk around the neighborhood because it was so bad and stressful. Like I was actually sweating from driivng downtown AND getting around the crowds.

I’m feeling super unfufilled and lifeless lately. I’m not excited anymore and I feel like I’m just exisiting and waiting to die. I Dont know how or if I ever want to include another person in my life because why tf would I.

[aboynameddash]

remembering when aaron was such a loser above everything else that he would not only be late on his rent but also his phone bill. I think despite how angry I was on how irresponsible he was, I couldn’t help but blame myself for not leaving him and walking away sooner. I knew what was happening in front of me but I couldnt walk away. He was struggling financially because he put himself in that position every month - maybe it’s because he never was taught how to save. but if I had someone helping me out, I would be sweet as hell to them and he was awful to me

[aboynameddash]

Bryan and I ghosted each other than I cant believe I’m saying this but I really can’t be any more happier. Like should I delete his thread or just block him all together because at this point it’s been over two weeks and I’m actually really fucking ok with it because despite everything, we really couldn’t be less compatible and I think I really just enjoyed him because I felt somewhat stimulated talking to him, but theres a difference between just great conversations with a brilliant person and....attraction. Like he gave me the ick as soon as I picked up the phone and talked to him. something about “hello hello!” Just.. was it for me. The excessive talking about himself and nothing at all, barely asking about me, whenever I answered a question about me he reverses it back to him..bugged me. When we met at Moe’s, I liked him enough to want to date him again, because he actually turned out to be a doctor. So I gave him a second chance and can’t really remember brunch because I had to take a shot before meeting up with him. The truth is, I never was really stoked about him wante anything more. It was definitely up and down especially considering he owns his own place and actually furnished and decorated it in a manner that was complete and mature..but found it really weird he had a female roommate. It just seemed like he was trying to have a live in gf.

The major ick was when he kissed me. He kissed with his eyes open and I was like meh, I really can’t complain because I too kiss with my eyes open but WE CAN SEE EACH OTHER. He also did this swirly thing with the tip of his tongue and had like no lips and it was just cringe. It was like a 12 year old boy trying to kiss a girl for the first time. It didn’t get any better on valentines day when he tried to kiss me multiple times during the movie.

What was really cringe on valentines day was when he asked me if I had any snacks - I’m sorry who goes to someones house and just ASKS for snacks? Its valentines day, lets not be cheap and go out to dinner or something. He then grabs a blanket from under dasher and wraps himself up around it like a fucking child and asks me to lay with him. Then proceeds to SCREAM french into my ears like he did when I went over to his place. Like wtf. This is not sexy. I also really didnt appreciate how he kept trying to push himself to take me to the airport and 10 minutes before my projected time to leave, basically tells me good luck and hope you make it to the airport. Like if he wasn’t actually gonna come, then shouldn’t he have told me that in the morning instead of spinning that on me? He spent multiple times that night talking about his acheivements and the moment he wanted to become a urologist - telling me about how he created a penis for a baby using the inside of his cheek....something he already told me but I guess is so fascinating to him that he had to tell me twice. Ok great, that was your acheivement in life and I’m glad it was something meaningful and lifechanging towards someone, but WHAT.ABOUT.ME. He also kinda forced me into reviewiing these penis drawings he did that was published back when he was in medschool and all I could think about was “I dont care” and I dont know how that wasn’t a red flag enoguh that I wasn’t into him 

Same thing happened on the day he was supposed to hang with me. Brunch on sunday and 10 minutes before he was supposed to pick me up, he goes “assuming we’re not meeting up? you gotta tell me these things!” UH. no I was waiting for you to pick me up. Manipilative. Like I dont even know if he knows he’s doing these things but then he just tells me “acutlaly down to meet up later” He wanted to change plans but decided to spin it on me. So later that night when I was getting ready to go over, he tells me he hasnt eatn anything yet, has food at his house but not enough for both of us. Offers to pick up takout which is a great idea in hindsight...but then offers to split something because the portions are “huge” even though neither him or I have eaten. But I guess the creme de la creme was that night when I acutally did go over and had no desire to kiss or hug or anything. I sat in the opposite couch as him and he just knew I wasn’t feeling it because we talked about it. He says “I want you to come sit with me but I know you want your space” Fair. I didn’t say anything and I thought that was enough for him. He then follows it with “come lay with me”. I pretend I dont hear him but he says it again. See, it wasn’t necessarily a “hell no” but it definitely wasn’t a “hell yes” Partially because I was at his house, partially because I was still trying to decide how I was feeling about him. So after the second time I walk over and sit next to him and starts crying to get out of it. I didnt have to lay with him after that.

All in all, I think my internal gut was trying to warn me wiht something. Something I still can’t decide what was up yet. Because after he was gone, things just got a little easier and easier. I dont know how to say it. There was just no attraction or chemistry. He was ick. He was cringe.

[aboynameddash]

Random situations I’ve gotten myself in the last 2ish weeks

A few weeks ago on one random Thursday night, I decided I needed- just HAD to go to Barnes and Noble and I just decided to get lost in books. Nothing really caught my eye but when something finally did, a guy approaches me and I knew instantly what it was. Standing before me wa a guy that was maybe my height, a little apple shaped and had greasy longish hair and glasses. He was also wearing some crystal crest of some kind. He was weird. He was quierky. I didnt like him enough to go on a date with him. But sure enough, something inside him decided he was gonna shoot his shot and ask me for my number to go on a date to “hot pot” Which is like the weirdest first date ever especially if its with a complete stranger. It’s an intimate thing. Anyway, I gave him my number, thinking to myself I really didnt want to, but I wasn’t having much luck on dating apps so why the hell not. I shouldn’t have. I should’ve just politely decliend, but I didn’t know how. And I spent the rest of the night thinking of how to break it to him that I really wasn’t interested. Well. He tried to call me later that night after I ignored his text messages about something akin meeting randomly (even though he admitted to following me for a few aisles because he thought I was attractive or whatever) I totally farted out loud a few asiles back and that was the main reason why I gave him my number - because I was embarrassed and I didn’t know what else to do. He tried to text me again the next day and wanted to keep calling because he wanted to pick an “appropriate place to meet by where I lived” and I shivered. I’m never going back to that barnes and noble again. Last weekend I spent 3 hours in traffic to meet aunty and the girls in anaheim for courtney’s dance recital and somehow spent 3 hours and drove to the wrong location - apparently there were two hotels within 7 minutes away from each other which pissed me tf off. So I’m here walking around the complex like it was fucking nothing wondering where 325 was when it only went up to 321 - only to realize after talking to this random man that was working on the hotel that I was at the wrong hotel. Even though the front desk women told me “all of the elevators lead to 325″ and confirmed there was a 325. Idiots. I was fully prepared to spend $8 on parking and by a change of events, the valet guy swiped me out because it was “broken”. I would’ve driven home if the hotel was farther than 7 minutes. It was both embarassing and stupid.

I can’t believe I fucking drove into a military recruitment base - specifically marine corps. One moment you’re trying to make a turn into pacific highway, the next minute you’re driving on base and the guys are calling you ‘honey’ and taking your id so you can take a quick turn around and wait by the damn light red left turn light that NEVER turns green. I swear I was there for 5 whole minutes before I just realized its probably broken or they’re playing a joke on me so I just took a turn and drove off because I was forming a line.

[aboynameddash]

moving is tough

So this is what I did the past few days - mostly to try to keep myself busy and fufilled through this tough slump Friday, March 3 Did my workout by the pool. Got off work and went to return stuff at fashion valley - then went and had a cloud martini at tommy bahamas before buying a ticket to see Magic Mike’s Last Dance at Del Mar Sky deck - got an expresso martini and thought deeply about staying because holy crap, del mar sky deck is beautiful and I can’t believe I never knew about it before. Parked near Revel fit club and thought it would be a good idea to try it because it reminds me of Barry’s and I need a new rotation to my HIIT classes Saturday, March 4 Tried out Revel in PB and loved it but the shower situation was sketch. No towels in the showers and I came out dripping wet and slipped on their grounds. Definitely really...fucking sketch. but I will still go back - just not shower there. Went to run some errands, picked up liqour, got a wax. Came home and Kenny, Jon and Brittney came to my place to pregame before going to Emo Nite at house of blues Sunday, March 5 hungover for most of the day, but birdy came over with her new puppy which was fun, Then took a nap before going to coin op for free play night and killed about an hour - it was actually fun! Then picked up a few dog essentials at ross before ordering (splurging) on good ass omakase bowl. I took the bowl home, hopped in the hot tub to warm up with a kombucha and then devoured the bowl before heading to bed Monday March 6 I made ashley tisdale salmon and veggies ? Tuesday, March 7 Got off right before 4 to hit barrys bootcamp, came home to do some last minute scheduling before making some spicy vodka pasta and spinach soup. Left to run some self care errands, drove to iTan for a session and then barnes and noble for some frolicking. Not even 20 mins in, some weirdo comes up to me, says he saw me a few isles back and thought I was attractive so he wanted to talk to me, asked me if I liked hot pot and asked for my phone number and I tried really hard to be interested but there wasn’t really a yes or no to him asking me out. Like I’m flattered but..I’d rather not. He texted me a really strange message after and tried to call me in the middle of the night. I should’ve just gotten ice cream or something

[aboynameddash]

I often wonder why I give these guys so many chances. Like honestly...I dont usually see how it definitely won’t work out until a day or two after that “breakup” text. He didn’t think anything “serious” would come out of it, because he’s not looking for anything serious, and in return, he’s trying to point fingers at me, is what I’m getting at. And I guess I really should’ve trusted my inuition all along....that it should’ve ended after that phone call. But no...I let him, not take me out. Which in my case still blows my mind. He invites me out and makes it a point to not pay and expects me to believe something serious is gonna come from it? I appreciate the upfront breakup text, but at that point it wasn’t necessarily needed. I also couldn’t shake the fact that he took a step back and lives with roommates to “save money”. That’s something you do when you don’t have a 40 lb dog but thats just my personal opinion.

[aboynameddash]

its so crazy reading back on all of my passeges from journal entries to blog entries because it kind of zooms out my perspective on growth. So much has happened and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m active AF when it comes to dating. I think after this month I’m gonna just try to focus on myself and my journey with health and fitness. It’s crazy to believe summer’s around the corner (again) and all of this will just fly back in my life like it did last summer.

I finally kicked the habit of checking my phone every few minutes waiting for Curtis to text me, mostly because I gained control back after he “gave up” on the 20 questions. Come on, it’s like pulling teeth trying to talk to that guy. He’s just not very interesting. Not to mention, it also doesn’t really help that he hasnt put in any effort in asking me out again and that just says it all to me. Like maybe I thought him coming over would seal the deal. Maybe I thought two days after the first date was an appropriate amount of stretch of time to text a girl. Who knows. All I know is this guy is low effort and I’m gonna label him as not interested in me and I’m gonna move tf on.

It definitely helped being around friends and by friends I mean Nate. I dont know what it is about him that just made me want to friendzone him but I’m here wondering why in the world I would do that because he high key checks off all the boxes I’m looking for an on top of that