absolutefreakmonster

[absolutefreakmonster]

My partner is playing some like Mii-topia ass game right now, and they give me updates on what's happening randomly without warning, usually while I'm in the middle of cooking or something else. They don't say it like they're telling me something neat though, they say it like it's an undeniable fact, and they need me to know this important change to the universe we live in.

Notable Things they have said from this

~ "Oh No! You're evil now. ;~;"

~ "Dang, you hate Beef apparently." (This one really caught me off guard as me and family sort of religiously love meat, beef being one of the most highly appreciated by us.)

~ "Shit, I'm jealous at Inuyasha because I'm in love with you, but you have a crush on him cause be keeps giving you gifts."

~"No! You died to Darkiplier ;~;, I'll avenge you and revive you."

~"Dang, you tripped me and we broke up over it."

~ "You and Carrot from one piece are having a girls night ^-^"

I have been doing my best to respond to them as nonchalantly as I can every time this happens, but it's been sidewinding me a decent number of times and I'm adjusting to it.

[absolutefreakmonster]

so i'm currently rereading Lolita and, in it, the word "crepitate" is used. i wasn't sure if it had multiple meanings, so i googled it.

now, i don't know about you, but when i type a word like "crepitate" into the search bar, i don't really expect "fart" to appear in any of the top results, and yet:

i was disappointed to learn that there isn't a classification system for farts, but, rather, you can buy a CD featuring a fart competition called The Original Crepitation Contest that Amazon reviewers assure me is comedy gold. okay. mystery solv--

hang on.

this also came up. Google is presenting it as fact.

Google is telling me that on May 16th, in the year of our lord 1972, a man farted for 1/3 of a second at a register of 194 dB.

according to the National Hearing Conservation Association, that is the loudest possible sustained sound. when a sound reaches that decibel, it no longer travels through the air, but moves it. it only comes from things like volcanic eruptions and can cause organ damage.

call me a Doubting Thomas if you must, but i just don't think this is true.

i just don't think anyone recorded a man farting so hard that it created a literal shockwave, blowing his asshole clean off and probably killing everyone around him, because i just don't think a guy did that, and i especially don't think that, if he did, his government name was Alvin Meshits.

at this point i'd totally forgotten i was trying to read literary classic Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov and instead started searching for the origin of Mr. Meshits, fart terrorist. from what i can tell, someone on Reddit just randomly shared it to r/todayilearned and Google went "yeah, this seems true" and now it's just out there.

now someone might stumble upon it and go "wow, that's crazy" and live the rest of their life believing a fart erupted at such force it likely blew its own progenitor to creamed corn.

i don't think Madeline, Texas is even a real place.

[absolutefreakmonster]

Girls will be boys

Boys will be girls

Fascists will 💖 be shot💖

[absolutefreakmonster]

Learned something new from this website today. The word Paraphile and Paraphilia. Wild how this website still teaches me weird sex things even after porn was banned.

[absolutefreakmonster]

An open letter to our mother, a noise complaint written from the perspective of my animals.

We were sleeping but peacefully mother, and then you had chosen to disturb our slumber. We watched annoyed as you set your speakers up, casting out disapproving gazes on you as you plugged them in and turned them on. We don't mind when you wake us up so you can clean, as long as your fast about it and let us lay back down, however, the moment your speakers come to life with color, only the dog remains, and you know it is only because she is deaf. Please mother, let us sleep the afternoon away without disturbance, we are but tired creatures, and you're refusal to rest as the sun sets means we've but only this chance to sleep in peace.

Sincerely, your cats, Peanut and Noodle.

P.S. fuck you.

[absolutefreakmonster]

I agree with the guy who made this, itis cannon until toby fox addresses it to EVERYONE that it's not.

This is canon until Toby Fox contacts me directly and tells me I’m wrong.