abstergo-industries-hr

[abstergo-industries-hr]

You know what the best part about getting your social media privileges revoked after you post something the powers that be don’t like?

The fact that everyone else either doesn’t have permission to fix everything or is too busy to fix everything, so the “offending” content stays up.

Abstergo, you played yourself.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off today and I need to remind my British friend about the time the colonies kicked his country’s ass.

-Clay

[abstergo-industries-hr]

Abstergo!

Do you feel like you have no rights in your workplace?

Are you working insane hours for peanuts while the heads get giant bonuses for launching another poorly thought out product?

Do you want transparency in the workplace, whether it’s fair pay or why you haven’t seen that guy in accounting since he started asking too many question?

Well, today is your lucky day! All of the higher ups are mysteriously gone due to some super secret meeting, and Clay and Aliyah in HR are able to talk to you about unionizing!

And today only, we have amazing perks for coming in to talk to us! We’ve tied up Idiot Intern Jaxon in the supply closet for you to mildly torture! A friend made “special” brownies! The new hire for the guy who went missing in accounting brought coffee…oh no, it’s in the trash. Sorry new accounting guy who looks absolutely nothing like the old mean barista from the lobby coffee stall—can you get us some Starbucks instead?

And remember, Unionize Abstergo!!!

- Clay and Aliyah

[abstergo-industries-hr]

Hey, uh, Abstergo,

I know we’re supposed to use this for professional stuff, and we’ve gotten into trouble for not doing that, but I need help with something.

I showed up to work this morning and this was at my desk. I don’t get it—it looks like a salad with knives on them. Did I miss something? I mean, I guess I was an hour late but I got into an argument on Reddit and I had to win that.

Are these even real knives? They look….OWWW! I NEED A BAND-AID!!! OWWWW!!

- Intern Jaxon

He really is the dumbest person here.

- Intern Aliyah

[abstergo-industries-hr]

Oh thank God. I’m going to completely lose my mind again if I have to do any more accident reports this week.

- Clay

Tbh, I didn't expect to be working this late. Alex went home so it's just me.

We heard about the, uh, problem that is happening recently and are working to fix it. I think I almost have it as well.

~Rupert

[abstergo-industries-hr]

Quick note to try and cut down on the avalanche of accident reports I’m sifting through.

Please, for the love of whatever deity you call on when shit hits the fan, remember that you are standing in a room and not actually experiencing the virtual reality. That’s why it’s “virtual.” I have processed so many slips and falls because people get too into jumping into haystacks and end up falling flat on your face.

And please, for your own sake, resist the urge to “do a flip.” I don’t care what the voices guiding you say, don’t. Unless you’re being virtually guided by a clearly over-caffeinated woman and her very annoying British husband. Then do the flip, and make sure they send me the footage after. I need a laugh.

Finally, and I can’t believe I have to say this, don’t stab people IRL. The paperwork for that is insane, our first aid kit here is never restocked, and the building clinic isn’t equipped for that. Unless you want to stab Otso Berg. If so, the aforementioned over-caffeinated woman and British asshole will be very glad to give step-by-step instructions on how to do so. Can’t promise you’ll live very long after you do, though.

- Clay, the possible first person in history to go blind from paperwork.

Good morning Abstergo,

We’ve had an uptick in accident reports due to the new VR program in Engineering. For now, Clay has offered to handle all HR matters that stem from this new program while it’s getting settled.

By the way, Clay seems very interested in the technology behind this new program. We already call him the office tech wizard, so I’m sure he’ll be excited for any tidbits of information you can give him.

I hope our American employees enjoyed their Thanksgiving break and are ready to get back to work. And remember, our clinic is still offering flu shots, COVID shots, and genetic testing to our employees, all for free. (By the way, I got the genetic testing done last week, and it turns out I have “the most unremarkable genetic history they have ever seen!” That’s a good thing, right?)

Clay, Aliyah, why are you laughing?

Have a wonderful day everyone!

- Bree from HR

[abstergo-industries-hr]

Good morning Abstergo,

We’ve had an uptick in accident reports due to the new VR program in Engineering. For now, Clay has offered to handle all HR matters that stem from this new program while it’s getting settled.

By the way, Clay seems very interested in the technology behind this new program. We already call him the office tech wizard, so I’m sure he’ll be excited for any tidbits of information you can give him.

I hope our American employees enjoyed their Thanksgiving break and are ready to get back to work. And remember, our clinic is still offering flu shots, COVID shots, and genetic testing to our employees, all for free. (By the way, I got the genetic testing done last week, and it turns out I have “the most unremarkable genetic history they have ever seen!” That’s a good thing, right?)

Clay, Aliyah, why are you laughing?

Have a wonderful day everyone!

- Bree from HR

[abstergo-industries-hr]

Interesting…we don’t have any information on this outside person working on Dominika Wilk. The, uh, computer issues that we’ve been dealing with here in HR must be to blame.

It’s been pretty bad over here—computers keep going down. Someone Jaxon keeps going on messed up sites and downloading viruses.

Also, be careful new guy. I don’t know who in Engineering is a Templar and who is just a tired worker who just wants a paycheck. Watch your back.

- Clay from HR

Ms. Dominika Wilk wanted us to help with a project, yet brought in an outside man to do it. Whatever happened to them?

~Rupert

[abstergo-industries-hr]

I might catch hell for this, as it’s not a “business-related” post, but Abstergo, you’re doomed.

I may not be celebrating “Earth, Wind, and Fire” day like some people on-line, but at least I’ve heard the song. Jaxon has never heard the song, not once. Not even in a meme, which seems to be the only way he communicates.

Bree might be bloody worse—the only version she knows is the Taylor Swift cover. She was genuinely surprised when I told her that today was the day in the original song, not the 28th.

I don’t know how I’m going to survive this internship. And I thought this was going to be an easy assignment as long as I didn’t get caught.

Also, Clay, pet-sitting is going very well. Your cats are doing great. Though I think Altaïr tried to air assassinate the top of my head this morning.

- Intern Aliyah

[abstergo-industries-hr]

Actually, never mind, I, uh, will be out of the office this afternoon. Family emergency.

Wall Assassin, let me get some coffee and I’ll meet you outside.

Hi Abstergo,

This is Aliyah, the new HR intern. I’ve been asked to make a statement about card games at work…

-takes out a piece of paper to read from so she doesn’t go off script and/or start swearing-

So, uh, Abstergo can’t control what employees do in their free time bullshit but they also don’t endorse card games or games of chance played on off hours. If you are unhappy with how a game went with your colleagues, you should work it out on an individual basis. Abstergo will not get involved in non-work related interpersonal matters.

Is this because I made $1,000 playing poker with Sales the other day? It’s not my fault they’re a bunch of over confident finance bros who watched one hour of professional poker finals and thought they were experts.

Oh, yeah, sorry, no asides. Everything in work posts has to be professional. Totally got that.

Anyway….have a good day? Thank Goodness It’s Friday?

I don’t know how to end these posts. Also, Clay is out on holiday time for Rosh Hashanah, Bree is in her office trying to get Taylor Swift tickets for the 2024 shows, and Jaxon is basically worthless. Anyone wanna come play Blackjack at my desk, since no one is going to give a shit?

- Intern Aliyah

[abstergo-industries-hr]

Hi Abstergo,

This is Aliyah, the new HR intern. I’ve been asked to make a statement about card games at work…

-takes out a piece of paper to read from so she doesn’t go off script and/or start swearing-

So, uh, Abstergo can’t control what employees do in their free time bullshit but they also don’t endorse card games or games of chance played on off hours. If you are unhappy with how a game went with your colleagues, you should work it out on an individual basis. Abstergo will not get involved in non-work related interpersonal matters.

Is this because I made $1,000 playing poker with Sales the other day? It’s not my fault they’re a bunch of over confident finance bros who watched one hour of professional poker finals and thought they were experts.

Oh, yeah, sorry, no asides. Everything in work posts has to be professional. Totally got that.

Anyway….have a good day? Thank Goodness It’s Friday?

I don’t know how to end these posts. Also, Clay is out on holiday time for Rosh Hashanah, Bree is in her office trying to get Taylor Swift tickets for the 2024 shows, and Jaxon is basically worthless. Anyone wanna come play Blackjack at my desk, since no one is going to give a shit?

- Intern Aliyah

[abstergo-industries-hr]

If you need a space to crash, you can hang out in my office. It’s small….but at least it’s an office. You just need to pretend you don’t hear anything I do for privacy reasons. And secretly working against the Templars reasons.

- Clay

Are there bunks in Abstergo? It's thundering and I don't wanna drive home.

~Alex

[abstergo-industries-hr]

She would LOVE Taser Kid.

- Clay

Updates

Hey guys, it's been a WILD summer! I went under investigation during July and HR was deciding weither or not to stop this account. Something about 'sh1tposting' and 'not being professional'. Plus the idiots who hacked all the accounts.

I've decided to promote someone to take over Igor's spot AND make Travis full time! So, everyone, meet Alexander. They've been working here for 3 years so I thought it's was time for them to get a pay raise. They'll be helping me with this account and help me lead!

~ Rupert, Head of Engineering

[abstergo-industries-hr]

Welcome Alexander! We should totally meet up for lunch with Aliyah, the new intern that I absolutely have never met before!

- Clay from HR

Updates

Hey guys, it's been a WILD summer! I went under investigation during July and HR was deciding weither or not to stop this account. Something about 'sh1tposting' and 'not being professional'. Plus the idiots who hacked all the accounts.

I've decided to promote someone to take over Igor's spot AND make Travis full time! So, everyone, meet Alexander. They've been working here for 3 years so I thought it's was time for them to get a pay raise. They'll be helping me with this account and help me lead!

~ Rupert, Head of Engineering

[abstergo-industries-hr]

Hello Abstergo Family!

Yes, it’s been a while since our last post. As you may have heard, there have been plenty of discussions amongst Abstergo leadership about whether HR should continue this social media account. There were concerns about our posts being too casual, not business focused…oh, and that time we got hacked by Erudito.

Thankfully, Abstergo agreed to let us continue our posts, but only after rigorous social media and communications training. Now that we’re finally all passed with flying colors, we can return to this account to help better serve you, the hardworking Abstergo employee.

I would also like to announce we have a friendly new face in the office! While Clay and I are still your permanent HR reps and Jaxon will be continuing his internship for this academic year because we couldn’t dump him onto sales, we’ve brought on a second intern to help out. Everyone, meet Aliyah!

…..and she’s out getting coffee. Oh well, I’m sure you’ll see her and hear from her soon!

I hope everyone has a fantastic start to their week, with absolutely no incident reports for us to process!

- Bree from HR

[abstergo-industries-hr]

Bree here. Apparently there were complaints about our unsanctioned Pride post?

-takes a look- Oh, yes, of course I will talk to Clay about this. It won’t happen again.

-slides Clay a gift card to a good coffee shop and mouths the words “Great job!”-

Sorry, I’m not sure how to take down the original post. And you know what, I’m just flooded with work, but I’ll get to it as soon as I’m able to.

Hi everyone,

Our official recognition of Pride Month keeps getting pulled and edited by the higher ups because of worries it will somehow tank our stock prices. And because the Templars are notoriously homophobic. Five words guys: Haytham Kenway and Shay Cormac.

So, now that I’m a real employee, I’m just going to do that myself.

HAPPY PRIDE FELLOW CORPORATE WAGE SLAVES!!

- Clay the actual employee now!

🩷💛💙

[abstergo-industries-hr]

Hi everyone,

Our official recognition of Pride Month keeps getting pulled and edited by the higher ups because of worries it will somehow tank our stock prices. And because the Templars are notoriously homophobic. Five words guys: Haytham Kenway and Shay Cormac.

So, now that I’m a real employee, I’m just going to do that myself.

HAPPY PRIDE FELLOW CORPORATE WAGE SLAVES!!

- Clay the actual employee now!

🩷💛💙

[abstergo-industries-hr]

それは私と一緒です、友人。安全です。まだ建物の中にあります

~ ?