abusecopingblog

[abusecopingblog]

I SPOKE UP.

A SAGA.

ALSO LMAO SORRY I DIDNT HAVE TIME AT DRAMA TO SECRETLY POST IN THE GIRLS’ BATHROOM SO IM POSTING IT NOW SORRY

so i gave my teacher the letter and i waited for him to read it. he told me to pull up a chair and we talked. he told me that i had a lot of courage and that he was really proud of me. he said that he had to tell my guidance counselor and asked if i was comfortable talking to her today. i said yes ofc and i went down to rehearsal.

i got pulled out after about 45 minutes and we went up to my guidance counselor’s office. she asked me questions, some of which were:

how old is your brother/what’s his name/what school does he go to

when did it start happening

how often does it happen

do they (my parents) often team up against you

what happens to your brother

what exactly do they do

what provokes it (physical abuse), if anything

when was the last time you were hit

what’s the most common form of physical abuse towards you

(i’m from massachuetts btw) she explained to me what would happen next (she files a 51A, social services would talk to me and my brother and eventually my parents, and then the state would handle it from there) and asked me if i had any concerns about it.

she also asked me another important question, to the answering of which i hesitated.

“do you feel safe going home tonight?”

i said yes, because i didn’t know what would happen if i said no, and there was no preexisting conflict between me and my parents so at least i had less of a chance of getting hit (i havent tonight, and my family is out at hockey tryouts so i’m home alone).

i was free to go back to rehearsal and stayed there for the rest of the rehearsal. i see my parents so much differently now, but my brother and i are getting help.

[abusecopingblog]

“This is hard. Uh...Mom and Dad...they were really bad. Worse than you think. They hit me and made sure you never saw. When you were dehydrated? They didn’t give you enough to drink. That was their fault; they neglected you. And when I broke my leg because Mom wasn’t watching us like she should’ve been? Neglect. And when Dad threatens to stay home from Alabama and when he yells at you for being sensitive about prices? Emotional abuse. When Mom yells at me and calls me swears when I don’t behave? That’s emotional abuse. And the state doesn’t think we’re safe living with them. Especially because they hit me. Did they ever hit you? You know how Gringle has Bella? Well, someone’s going to have us. And if we get split up, you can text me. I have my phone. This is for the best, bud.”

-me, if i have to explain to my brother why we’re being removed

[abusecopingblog]

it’s 4:33 and i am still awake. pretty sure my dad’s getting ready for work so i have to be a ninja and take sure he doesn’t hear me right when he leaves i make my move and take a heckin shower bc my mom doesn’t get up till 6 and idk when my dad leaves

i have to get up in 2 hours to take a shower because i forgot and it was too late when i remembered (it’s almost 3 am) damn

[abusecopingblog]

i have to get up in 2 hours to take a shower because i forgot and it was too late when i remembered (it’s almost 3 am) damn

[abusecopingblog]

SIGNAL BOOST

Hiya,

I know I’ve mentioned it before but I’m multiply disabled (from my autism, bipolar, ocd, and some chronic physical health stuff)

I really love helping this blog out but I can’t do so without maintaining some degree of stability, which I’ve finally managed to achieve through a regimen of various therapies and medicine (and a case worker who helps me plan lol)

I was wondering how y’all would feel about helping out with a few dollars so I can keep up my current rounds of therapy and meds?

But I’m hesitant to ask because even if most of y’all weren’t still in horrible situations, I don’t think most of y’all are old enough to work

[abusecopingblog]

TW: smut, r@p€

so someone I know has a rape kink and it’s just really

ugh

and it’s so frustrating bc i ask him not to talk about it bc it triggers me (i have ptsd from several events, one of which is sexual abuse) and he’s like “IM SORRY I CANT HELP IT IF I HAVE A RAPE KINK” and he wrote rape smut??? and he sent it on a gc and i was upset and then he insulted someone (someone i love) for merely existing bc it invalidates his ship and i’m just really frustrated with him

he’s 14 and has like 30+ notes of smut (including rape smut, ddlg/b smut, incest smut, adultery [cheating] smut, and pedophilia smut) and it’s very triggering for me as a victim of incestuous child-on-child sexual assault (cocsa).

[abusecopingblog]

and some days the only thing you can do is open your eyes and try not to think about what hurts and that is so okay. not everyday is going to be a happy day but that doesn’t mean that you are not happy. it will be okay. the hurt will one day hurt less and that’s all you can really know for sure. you will be able to make it.

[abusecopingblog]

[abusecopingblog]

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

WHY DID I WAIT UNTIL NOW TO TAKE A SHOWER IM GONNA GET PUNISHED ITS 10:30 AND IM NOT SUPPOSED TO BE ON MY PHONE BUT THEY DIDNT TAKE IT AND I LOST TRACK OF TIME AND OH FUCK

[abusecopingblog]

this is the boy who raped me, six years prior. it’s not a very good picture but i was flipping through my photo album and i have a picture of everyone at my seventh birthday party.

[abusecopingblog]

I WAS LOOKING THROUGH MY BIRTH-AUGUST 2013 PHOTO ALBUM (not many pics) AND HONESTLY THIS PICTURE IS THE BEST DESCRIPTION OF MY FAMILY EVER

(fyi the reason it’s august 2013 specifically is bc my older cousin got married then and she gave a photo album with all the professionally shot photos from the wedding bc i was the flower girl and i put my post-wedding pics in there bc she wrote “put pictures in here as you grow up!!” so i do.)

[abusecopingblog]

my official letter to my teacher. you can read it if you want i’m so scared

also i put a baguette over my name bc no

[abusecopingblog]

damn i might cry tomorrow telling mr anderson

i’m so fucking scared and i literally might just write a letter and stand there while he reads it. but as long as the room is empty i’ll probably just stand there and cry. i already have a pit in my stomach just thinking about it.

like he’s a good person and he’s not gonna yell at me but as long as he believes me i’ll be okay. i just honestly need help and i trust him to react well and not flip out/freak/get mad/not believe me. i feel like he would be concerned and say like “oh my god i’m so sorry” and tell me that he’s gonna report it and maybe just let me sit for a while or ask me if i want to go to the bathroom and just,,,cry.

idk my heart is racing right now writing this tumblr post but it’s all gonna be okay. he’ll react fine and then i can go off and rehearse for beauty and the beast and everything will be okay for a while. i can dick around with my friends for two and a half hours and then go home, eat dinner, sleep (if social services doesn’t come that night). and if they do i might have a new bed. and if i don’t i’ll get fucking emotionally murdered (not literally but emotionally) and just

run away or die i guess

no but i just need help. but yeah no i’m gonna cry. if i have time i might make a post— OH MY GOD MY COUSIN’S TOOTH CAME OUT

lmao sorry but as i was saying if i have time i might make a tumblr post of me having a literal panic attack in a middle school bathroom so expect that.

ALSO OMFG I JUST WENT TO TALK TO MY MOM AND SHE WAS JOKING AND SHE GOES “IM AN ABUSIVE PARENT” AND I ALMOST FUCKING D I E D

[abusecopingblog]

i needed this. thank you so much ❤️

Loving yourself is not (necessarily):

Thinking you’re gorgeous

Not wanting to change anything about your body, personality, or life

Loving yourself is:

Knowing you have inherent worth regardless of your physical appearance or life circumstance

Knowing you deserve good things

Wanting to take care of yourself because you deserve good things

[abusecopingblog]

i’m worried for my little brother.

he’s 11 and he doesn’t know that my parents hit me. we’re both emotionally abused (me moreso than him, but still) and neglected but he doesn’t know that i’m telling my teacher.

i’m not going to tell him until after the fact. if we get taken, i’ll tell him what happened, but not until then. i don’t want to scare him and i don’t want him to stop me.

he’s still just a little fifth grader. he doesn���t deserve to go into foster care or anything but we have to. idk if our parents hit him bc he doesn’t know that they hit me, so why would i know the inverse? but he was really sensitive about his rib and didn’t provide a specific excuse while my mom said it was from hockey. he just said it was where he got “hit”. so idk maybe it WAS from hockey but i lied to him that ihe got hit in the face with some kid’s binder at school, so...

but i hope he isn’t too scared if we get taken. i love him (even if he’s a little shit sometimes) and i don’t want to traumatize him.

we’ve been through this together and i just. care about him so much and i want the best for him.

i hope we stay together. massachusetts passed the sibling bill which says that if possible, siblings (who are both/all wards of the state) should stay together. but like one of us could probably go into a kinship placement with our aunt (idk tho she has three little kids and my brother and i already have a bunch of activities) but that would split us up. i think they would try to keep us together so yeah. at least i could explain to him what happened.

he’s just a little kid and i want to protect him. i love him.

[abusecopingblog]

i’m going to speak up.

tomorrow (monday, march 26, 2018) i’m going to tell my history teacher.

my history teacher is an incredible man (and i’m a decent student, he likes me) who only wants the best for his students. if i tell him something this big, he’ll report it. i mean, he has to, but he would actually make sure i was okay. he might email me after i get home or check in with me on tuesday to see if my parents had done anything to me the night before. mr. anderson actually cares about me and wants to help me.

i have rehearsal tomorrow after school (i’m in the drama club!!) so i stay until 6; he’ll be there until 4 or 4:30 so we can talk after school. i’m really nervous.

i think i might make a list of the things my parents have done (major things/examples, like failing to confront me about me possibly self-harming for a year. i was cutting btw, and my dad knew and did NOTHING about it for a whole year. also they physically abuse me and i can bring up some examples of emotional abuse) bc it’s gonna be really hard just to mention it to him. but i trust him more than any of my teachers and he seriously cares about me/my well-being.

i’m still really scared that cps/dcf might find nothing there or that i’ll have to go back with my parents after, but it’s for the best. i want help.

i’ll keep posting on this blog as much as i can. obviously if my phone gets taken away after social services come i can’t but i will if i can!! i love posting on here bc i have a forum to validate my emotions. fingers crossed everything goes okay.

i hope he believes me. mr anderson is a really good guy and i don’t lie (to him) bc i trust him and he knows me. i might make a post with the optimal yet realistic conversation between us and i’m HELLA EXCITED!! i’ve never told anyone irl about my physical/emotional abuse except on friday, but inadvertently (ok so basically before homeroom started i asked my hr teacher if i had a bruise on my cheek and she was like “no why did you get punched in the face or something” and i was like “yeah” but she didn’t ask more). i’m wicked scared but also wicked excited bc i’ll finally get the help my brother and i need and deserve.

[abusecopingblog]

a mini rant

sometimes i can’t believe i was abused and neglected for 13 years.

and when that happens, it’s not like i’m doubting the validity of the maltreatment. i just...can’t believe it happened to me.

on the news YEARS AGO, there was a story about a little girl who was found dead on Deer Island (this peninsula near Boston) in a trash bag. she had been abandoned by her abusive father who had abused and been abused by his wife (the little girl’s mother). i didn’t think that i was a victim of child abuse because i wasn’t a mangled, walking corpse. i didn’t realize that it was so bad.

but now i know that it’s not normal to be belittled and hit and yelled at constantly and sworn at and ignored so bad you break your leg or ignored so bad that you come home to find out that your 4-year-old brother is dehydrated in the hospital and you skip karate to go see him. i thought this was what happened to every kid.

and i’m terrified.