abysmaldaemon - Tumblr blog

[abysmaldaemon]

Psychopath. Rapist. Murderer.

[abysmaldaemon]

10H...

[abysmaldaemon]

Hope that person has forgiven you at least. Cheers man, hope you’ve been good as well

They have. Thank you, you as well mate.

[abysmaldaemon]

Who’s Carmen? Someone else’s life you’ve ruined?

No, just someone I've hurt among many others back in the day.

[abysmaldaemon]

I can't just expect the change to happen suddenly. I've lived this way my entire life. It's going to be gradual and slow. Change is necessary, and it will happen.

I need to detach myself from my persona and show a different side of myself. I think that will help me reach the ... I'm looking for.

Though some things will never change.

[abysmaldaemon]

Sounds like you’re just scared to be honest

I've thought that as well. Perhaps I am.

[abysmaldaemon]

My heart hurts, and I am confused.

I really should be focusing on myself, and I'm trying. Though my mind wants to think about other things like love, sex and alcohol.

My mind has really been in the gutter this past couple of months, sexual speaking. I'm not entirely sure why that is. I figured it's cause I'm having sex more, or maybe it's because I'm not getting as much relief as I should? I don't know. Truth be told, I just want the life sucked out of me, but I need to get a better grasp on my sexual urges/thoughts. I'm trying to make it a point to not think about sexual related stuff unless I'm actually in a situation or scenario that would cause me to feel that way. More than often, I'm thinking about it for absolutely no reason, at work, playing the game, reading. I won't even be in a sexual mood, and I'll still want to get off most times when there's no reason for me to do so. These thoughts have always been an issue for me, and I can't let them control my thoughts or actions. ..I often wonder if it's because I got love and sex mixed up when I was really young, that it now affects me this way. Who knows?

Alcohol has been a problem lately. I'd much rather just smoke weed, but I don't know how to control it. I always end up using it too much and going back to a point where I feel like I need to get high every day. The same has been happening with alcohol. I think it's cause I've used drugs as a crutch for my life for about 7 years in my hardest times. Even in my dreams, I struggle with not using nicotine again. I feel like I need to do/use something to keep going. Even though I know that's not the case.

Love is.. I don't know. I think due to me having sex and love mixed up in my head as a child, that through sex its a lot easier for me to open up and trust someone physically and emotionally. I know what to do, reach out, talk to people, speak the truth, and ask for help. I know, but the walls are still there when I do. There's no emotional response when receiving said help, no relief, nothing. I don't feel like they care, even when I know they do. And I've been that way for an extremely long time now..

There's way more to the love thing, but I'm not comfortable divulging that stuff anywhere, or to anyone at the moment.

Holy fuck I need to see a therapist man.

[abysmaldaemon]

That’s great to hear you are not depressed anymore man. It’s ok to be confused about things though, what’s life suppose to be like if everything wasn’t?

Thank you.

[abysmaldaemon]

I’m not wasting my time for a pointless apology from You or Carmen, neither of you have not changed and won’t ever change. I just want you both to know the pain and stress you’ve caused me.

I know very well how much you hate us, think we'll never change, won't forgive us, how awful we were, etc.

But you've never told me how we have specifically affected you and your life.

Can you please tell me how both of us have affected your life and made it stressful? In detail.

[abysmaldaemon]

Flowers.

Happy Birthday Aerith 🌸

[abysmaldaemon]

I dont quite understand what's happening.

10 years later and things come full circle.

I may not be depressed anymore, but I'm still just as confused. Probably even more so.

I guess, there's no rush? I still need to get myself together anyway.

Figure out who I am and how to properly read/express my emotions.

[abysmaldaemon]

Absolutely not.

May I ask why not?

[abysmaldaemon]

Took some time away, and I still don’t like you either.

Would you like to talk about it in DMs or even in person?

[abysmaldaemon]

I've noticed that I'm lacking something I kinda wish I had. I feel like people are interested in the things I do and stuff I enjoy more than my actual self. Which is fine, I love sharing the things I love.

But no one really questions me. They don't ask my thoughts on things. They don't seem curious at all about how my mind works. Perhaps cause most of em have known a depressed version of myself for years now.

I'm not entirely sure what I'm trying to say. Maybe I'm just being a bit narcissistic? I think, if anything, maybe I just need to make some friends where I can talk about stuff that isn't video games, anime, or surface level conversations.

Someone who challenges my ways of thinking, who I can learn from. As of now, I feel like I'm the one who's giving out all the advice while no one listens ..though my problems are kinda, difficult.

I think another big problem of wanting that is that I also don't question others deeply like that, and I should. So I can't exactly complain, I suppose.

Perhaps I just need to open up some. At the very least, I know people will listen. Maybe. Seems like everyone has so much going on in their life these days. My problems aren't as important, not cause I don't think im important, more so because I'm not suffering from my problems. As of now anyway.

[abysmaldaemon]

Noctis and Lunafreya

Final Fantasy XV (2016) —dev. Square Enix

[abysmaldaemon]

Prompto, Gladio, Ignis. I leave it to you. Walk tall, my friends. FINAL FANTASY XV (2016)

[abysmaldaemon]

Zack Fair & Cloud Strife meeting each other. Crisis Core: Final Fantasy 7 Reunion