accountnumber69

[accountnumber69]

positive self-talk

i am beautiful

i am worthy

i have a healthy body

i am physically strong

i am capable of emotional healing

i am kind

i am loyal

i am gracious

i am sensitive

i can do this

i can graduate college

everything will be okay

i WILL go to work this week, every single shift

i can pay off my credit card debt if i really try

i am deserving of intimacy and love

i am deserving of happiness and fulfillment

my dietary requirements do not define me

i can stick to a routine

i can stay focused on my daily tasks

i WILL SUCCEED

i should be doing my coursework which i took a break from to do this because we were talking about self-talk and how negative self-talk can really bring you down. so i decided to write twenty pieces of positive self-talk and it was really nice

night, love you

[accountnumber69]

second day

attempted to stick to a routine today as well. today was laundry and school work day and i am pleased to say that i completed both. the laundry was completed with the help of my gracious and loving fiance. so glad to have him, honestly. we did run a little behind today. i wanted to go to ocean state job lots to find some gluten free snacks, but i felt apprehension about going alone for some reason. im not sure, but i felt like something bad would happen if i went by myself. so i didnt end up going. my fiance said he would come with me tomorrow, anyhow.

worked on my communications course today and i am almost done with all of the curriculum. once that is complete, i will work on a thesis statement for my presentation. my mentor told me that i could use the same topic as my research paper for composition ii, so thats my plan. my research paper was on the environmental impacts of fast fashion. great idea. so now i have my 12 page research paper that i can morph into a five minute oral presentation, and tweak the thesis statement for the course's desired outline. wonderful. feeling really good about all of that. trying to stay motivated.

they dropped time off for the next week and again, i can take all next week off if i really wanted to. i am holding steadfast to keeping a routine, and sunday to wednesday are my workdays regardless of whether or not i am offered time off. i really need to get on the stick about that. its only four days a week, after all. i CAN do it. UGGHHH it just feels like a lot because of schoolwork as well, but im cranking through it and im looking at schoolwork as a part time job i do for 9-10 hours per week. gotta do. what i gotta do. so they say. im keeping it brief this evening.

bon soir and i love you

[accountnumber69]

day 1

day 1 of actively trying to follow a routine and i gotta say, its not bad. i know its only the first day. but its not that bad. here i am sitting here at 17:34 enjoying the rest of the evening off after accomplishing all that i needed to today, INCLUDING my schoolwork. thats the most important thing, after all. we went to the grocery store today and i bought 10 pork chops. i will be making creole pork chop and vegetable foil packs so we can just throw them in the oven and have dinner as soon as we get home from work, no clean up or left overs to put away since they will be individually portioned. i also got three pounds of hamburger that will be used for nacho meat, hamburger stew, and cottage pie next month. one of my favorite things to do is research and plan meals. not sure why, but i find it very gratifying. anyway, we were slightly over budget this week because i bought the meat in bulk instead of buying it piecemeal. next weeks grocery budget should be less due to this.

there were a few challenges and barriers to overcome today. my partner wasnt as willing as i was to be out of the house by 10 am, but we managed just fine even after being 30 minutes behind schedule to leave the house. im proud of my patience. ive been working really hard to be a good partner to him, and like i said, be the best me i can possibly be.

im taking a course in communications right now and its pretty boring. i do three hours a day on my days off. after the three hours im pretty fried. making cottage pie for dinner later. it should be really good. im gonna sit and smoke a bowl now tho

ciao, i love you

[accountnumber69]

routines i plan to stick to

sunday to wednesday- work days

05:00-05:15 wake and bakes

05:16-05:30 take shower

05:31-06:00 dress for work, eat breakfast and pack lunch

06:30 fiance has to be dropped off by this time

07:00-17:30 work

18:00-18:05 pick up fiance from work

18:30-19:30 prepare and cook dinner

19:31-20:30 relax and watch tv and spend time with fiance

20:31-21:00 wash up and go to bed

thursday- errands and school day

08:30-09:00 wake and bakes

09:01-09:16 take shower

09:16-10:00 dress for the day, eat breakfast, make list based on available inventory, wait for fiance to get ready

10:01-15:00 errands (walmart, wholesale club, odd lots, post office, dispensary) and lunch date with fiance (limit $25 and thats PUSHING IT lol)

15:01-18:00 school time!

18:01-19:00 work out

19:01-23:00 meal prep, dinner, free time and then bed at 23:00

friday- laundry and school day

08:30-09:00 wake and bakes

09:01-09:15 take shower

09:16-10:00 dress for the day, eat breakfast, get laundry together, wait for fiance to get ready

10:01-13:30 laundromat and lunch

13:31-16:30 school time!

16:31-17:30 work out

17:31-23:00 dinner, free time and then bed at 23:00

~*~*damn i really sat here for like thirty minutes looking at the statement for my retirement accounts smh*~*~

saturday- cleaning and school day

08:30-09:00 wake and bakes

09:01-09:15 take shower

09:16-10:00 dress for the day, eat breakfast

10:01-14:00 clean the apt and make storage runs if needed. short breaks are okay in between tasks

14:01-17:00 school time!

17:01-18:00 work out

18:01-19:00 prepare and cook dinner

19:01-20:30 relax with fiance

20:31-21:00 wash up and then go to bed!

okay, once i lay it all out, it doesn't seem like the same thing every day. at least not all the same things. why is this so hard for me to stick to? i mean, it seems reasonable, right??

[accountnumber69]

idk

guess im having my second quarter life crisis lol. i dont even know what to call it anymore. just a lack of motivation for anything. work and school don't excite me anymore. i have a psych appt for the 10th to see if i can get some help with how ive been feeling. even if its just prozac. dont care. need help feeling normal again. its been a long time since i reached out. 2016 was the last time. i cut myself because my (now ex) bf wanted to dump me. so fucking stupid i know. especially for someone as old as i am. and he called a wellness check on me and they took me overnight to the hospital. so embarrassing. so fucking embarrassing. i feel like thats all ive been for a long time so i started college last year in order to change all of that. just want to feel equal to people that are my age and have their shit together and kids and shit. okay maybe i dont know if i want kids yet but like at least a house would be cool or something. i let a lot of my past catch up to me and hurt me in my present. i know i have ptsd. they told me in 2016 when i went for outpatient care. i experienced some pretty raw trauma throughout my childhood and into my late teens. the lady was really nice and comforting and what she said made a lot of sense to me. so i dont know if thats been whats bothering me lately. maybe it is. ive just had no motivation to do anything. especially this week. its been so gloomy and gray outside, why would i want to go and do anything? but i feel like these are just excuses. i am perfectly capable of getting up and going to work. but i just havent. part of the reason is that the time off is available for me to take. the other part of the reason is because i lack self-control pretty badly. i see the notification that the time off is available and i gotta take it. i ask my fiance if i can and he just says "i just want you to be happy baby". i treasure him for that, but sometimes i feel like it would be nice to have someone hold me accountable. i fear telling him this, however, because i don't want anyone to take anything to any extremes. i dont want to be controlled in any way, i just want someone to be that voice of reason when i cant be. when i say, "baby? i want to take time off today since it is available." i sometimes wish he wouldnt make it so easy for me i guess. maybe mention my credit card debt and stuff instead. he doesnt do that because he loves me a lot and doesnt want to feel like hes hurting me by saying anything negative. i get that, i really do. so lately ive been trying to figure out ways to hold myself accountable for completing tasks and doing everything i need to do to stay ahead in work and school, but its been sooooo difficult! i dont know how or why! i dont know where to start. everything is just such a mess right now. i feel like im putting unnecessary burden on my fiance because i just cant get my head right! i have a list of tasks to do and i just get overwhelmed and end up doing literally nothing some days. its awful. i have all of this potential. i was the gifted kid in school when i applied myself. now im in college and fucking LIMPING along i feel. even though i just got selected for the honor society and i have received acclaim for some of my assignments, i know i can do better, but i just dont have it in me anymore. i wish i had that passion back in my life. or something. some guidance on how i can feel normal again. anything. this is one of my starting points. they say to write about how you feel in a journal or whatever. i dont like wasting paper in a real journal because lord knows i cant stick to a routine to save my life so i just went the digital route. thats another thing. people my age are so set in their routines. get up at 5 am. get ready for work. have breakfast. go to work. come home. have dinner. repeat. how the fuck do people do this everyday...? i go out of my mind when my day is the same for a week or more. and im in business school! how the fuck am i ever going to fit into a corporate mold?! i yearn for this sense of normalcy that my peers enjoy on a daily basis.

i feel like im drowning. i have awful dreams some nights that keep me awake. i cant eat fucking gluten, beans, onions, garlic, peaches, and so much more so ive had to find comfort in something other than food. sure! that sounds great and good. but im *usually* a fairly active person when im working so i dont mind finding comfort in food. im able to maintain my weight just fine. but now...eating something that doesnt agree with me ravages me inside and out. if i eat gluten i am lethargic and have digestive issues for DAYS. i am depressed as fuck about this. i fucking love food. i fucking love to cook. i love to taste the food i am cooking for other people. and now a lot of that has been erased. and im grieving. about the person i was before. the person my fiance met. i sometimes wish i could be that person again. i know he didnt sign up for all of these stupid issues i bring to the table. my depression and whatever attention deficit i may be experiencing is absolutely crippling me at the moment. i could sit and scroll on my phone all day and not move and be fine. what the fuck is wrong with me?!!?!

i reached out to my best friend for help and shes a true friend and a gem for real. i love her dearly. she wants to help with establishing a routine. she asked me, what are some things that you need to do everyday? or just some things that are important for you everyday.

shower

smoke (i have a medicinal marijuana card)

school/work (its hard to do both in one day. im only human)

chores on days that i dont work

work out on days that i dont work (my job is physically taxing)

cooking/preparing food

prepare for bed

get 8 hours of sleep

care for my pets

care for my fiance

i guess if i focus on these things i cant really lose right? i cant wait to see a mh professional for the first time in SIX YEARS!!! and the last time, i declined to be on any sort of pharmaceutical medication and just wanted talk therapy so i only spoke to a clinician. she was great, but i want to be the best me i can be. i think being on meds will help me a lot with my anxiety and overstimulation in general. i know it wont be a cure all and there will still be so much work for me to do. once i find out why i feel like my brain is fucking broken all the time, i think thats when the real work will begin. i always had an inkling that i was mentally ill. when i was younger, my mom worked as a mh professional and made guesses (very unethical and hurtful in my opinion) about what was wrong with me when i was about 11 or 12. she said that she thought i had borderline back then, but i dont necessarily feel like the symptoms of that line up with what ive been experiencing. when i was about 13, my older sister tried to commit suicide so my mother felt it was best to see a peer of hers that was a psychiatrist. he gave me cymbalta and i didnt like how it made me feel so i stopped taking it. then he tried with another pill. i forget which one that one was but it made me feel so zombified! i felt like i couldnt laugh or cry or even really crack a smile. so i stopped taking that as well and i have been self-medicating basically the whole time with marijuana (now medical grade cannabis since i have my card). now im in my early thirties. sure it helps. it definitely helps with my appetite and insomnia. i guess i just wish i knew what was wrong with me. i wish i could feel normal like so many people out there do.

my fiance and i have had our issues but we have been together for five years now and engaged for two. we fought...oh idk..maybe two or three weeks ago now. ive just been feeling lately like im not as resilient anymore even though we both said we were sorry and patched things up. weve fought so much over the past five years, not only with each other but just in general, have had to fight our landlords, have had to fight to survive, etc. i love him but boy am i just burnt out from it. could be part of my problem lately. im trying so hard to look on the bright side. i know we can make it together. i want that so badly. not to say im innocent in it. im not. ive had my hand in saying nasty things to him that i regret. like i said. its been tough.