acdyson-blog

[acdyson-blog]

They say that love is a drug; how it is never enough, how love makes nomads of us all, we walk through life seeking and not finding. We become dissatisfied, we question, we become disillusioned, we disconnect. Monogamy becomes a fairytale that only the naive cling to; we fashion clever arguments around it because in the light of day, where we cheat in love for another love, it all seems preposterous. An unbelievable and unacheivable feat to be true to another, and even if we manage it, the other surely won’t. In our confused state we cling not to truth, but give into emotion. Instead of understanding love in its truest form we define it by our own understanding, our own standard and experiences. It tricks us into believing that love was solely our perception of it and solely for our benefit. We are frail, fragmented, anxious and self-serving, we are hypocritical, contrary and full of misplaced pride but something within us searches. Often we end the search too early, we give up and pretend contentment. But there are a few who push for more. For Love is not a thing, was never mere emotion but a person. Love is a who, not a what, Love is a power not a byproduct of relationship, Love was, is and will be the reason for our existence.

God is love. Humanity will always be curious about the existence of itself, will consume itself with arguments for the the sake of argument, yet are loathe to come to any fixed conclusion for fear of what it might entail. To admit that God exists forces us to confront ourselves at our worst, to admit God exists also throws indepedant reliance into the fire; all in all our own deity ‘Self’ that we worship and berate pales to insignificance when God enters our lives. The lie, of course, is a half lie. As God exists, the devil, Satan, the father of lies exists too. As with the order of things, God’s supremacy remains unchallenged and His power has broken death, the only tool that Satan could wield. A defeated enemy however, is one that refuses to relent in his attack on humanity, Satan relishes in a modern society where he can watch confusion, disfunction, discord and all manner of social, ethical and political ills cause people to abandon God, forsake Him or ignore Him completely. The devil has no need for worshippers when denial of God is all he ever wanted.

Of course, in the midst of darkness, there is light. Jesus, long ago, allowed himself to be murdered for crimes he did not commit, but every single crime to ever take place. Sin, a word so often misunderstood, is quite simply any act or thought that falls short of perfection. Without Jesus, no one would be able to reconcile with God, regardless of their preference to do so. This is Love. To allow yourself to die for friends is bravery, to allow yourself to die for your enemies, those that will never acknowledge your sacrifice, is unthinkable. This is Love. God offers a life never-ending, atonement, grace, mercy and a friendship that lasts forever. He offers love that can satisfy every aching part of us. If only we would accept. Love is act before words, God spoke life into action, for unlike humans God’s words are active, they DO, they are not empty promises, void and null. We trust in our failed relationships over and over, perhaps it is time to trust in the one person who loved us before time existed...

[acdyson-blog]

The mottled clouds gathered overhead,

Swarming closer around the pale orb,

I wondered that they would choke it,

Leaving black and purple stains,

Like bruises across the sky,

I dreaded my visits,

Though I knew them to be of import,

How I loathed the whine of those gates,

Swinging on rusty hinges,

A reminder of my incarnaration,

What little light was vanquished,

By great arching yews bent with age,

They twisted their bodies,

As if taking part in a macabre dance,

Which would surely end in my sacrifice,

The carriage drew closer,

I saw it,

A montrosity of towers and turrets,

With gleaming eyes of fire,

It lay crouched like a dragon,

My driver took me to the door,

Oh if only I could turn away!

Yet it was she who came to me,

The one who made me forget my ills,

How could one describe her?

Eyes of gold,

Hair of ebony,

She was Nefertiti and I bowed to her will,

My body seemed to float,

Was I dreaming? Was I dead?

I passed through ancient halls,

Eyes followed me from the walls...

[acdyson-blog]

Across the hills and through the trees,

The howling wind; it came to me,

I heard it wail, I heard its’ cry,

As I lay restless in the nigh’

I rose up to window there,

The full moon cast a ghostly glare,

I held my breath; expelled a sigh,

Watching as the clouds rolled by,

For a moment I stood still,

My body shook; a sudden chill,

In the distance far away,

A light glow’d softly in Castle Gray!

The place was cursed, I was told,

Tales of ghouls and smugglers gold,

Many men had searched together,

In vain to find the hidden treasure,

But all they found was early death,

It beckoned them to watery depths,

The cliffs gave way into the tide,

Perhaps that’s why I awoke that night,

I heard the memory of dead men’s cries.

A.C. Dyson

[acdyson-blog]

What can I say?

I know my day will come,

Comfort has been killing us all,

The selective peace that exists,

Behind gates and high walls,

The murmur of war a mere breath,

A breeze that stirs the hedgerow,

Of course it is inevitable,

Our luxuries will be stripped away,

Are we to be faint hearted,

When the time comes to face our fears,

Or will we see our truest self take form?

For in the deepest mines,

The diamonds shine the brightest,

Gloom may surround us,

Yet in our testing we shall triumph.

A.C. Dyson

[acdyson-blog]

We don’t know everything. So why do we listen to the voices in our heads that whisper ‘you’re stupid’, ‘you’ll never do it’? If we don’t know everything then it is clear we don’t know our potential, our capabilities. We buy self-help books that are motivational, we want to watch films about overcomers and those who have achieved great things...because we want to hope for the best, we want to be inspired and encouraged. Aren’t those voices in your head rather at odds with inspiration? Don’t those voices appear to be the voice of fear, jealousy and self-loathing? We surely wouldn’t put up with friendships like that. The biggest revelation I have had is that whilst I can’t take time out from myself, I can’t take a holiday, I CAN change my thinking. Those voices are only the loudest because I’m not talking back. I can write down the good things in my life, I can say ‘well done’ to myself, I can, I can, I can. The more life, the more hope, the more light there is in my life the less darkness can have a hold over me.

[acdyson-blog]

A long time ago,

The breeze whipped through,

And I felt the sun’s warmth on my face,

The sound of water running,

On that perfect day I remember,

Sitting near the edge of the stream,

Marvelling at how bright it all was,

Some days have that quality,

A brightness that defies logic,

And you asked me something that I couldn’t answer,

How could I?

It is so hard to articulate how glad you are,

Sometimes it hurts because of how good it is,

Right then I couldn’t bear it,

To hold such love in my heart,

It spilled over until it became that stream,

Trickling and winding,

Perhaps I should have tried a little harder,

I never did tell you after all, did I?

A.C. Dyson

[acdyson-blog]

And every time I think I’ve arrived,

I fall down on my face once again,

I’m reminded of how frail I am,

Weak in the eye of the storm,

But it’s in those times I’m reminded,

Of how Your love for me never fails,

For no matter my own goodness,

It all comes crumbling down without You,

If I look at my good deeds laid out,

I would see every selfish agenda written in neon lights,

Yet still, You pour grace like a river,

Until I’m saturated by the purest of love,

Washed in a current that revives my soul,

How little I matter in the grand scheme of it all,

A grain of sand of no consequence,

Lost in the billions but somehow chosen,

My heart is fixed, broken all at once,

Knowing that I matter and what it cost,

For it is not merely what I think anymore,

(What I think is dark and hopeless),

But everyday reminded of Your sacrifice,

The desperate measures to give me life,

So I fix my eyes to that higher place,

Seeking something beyond my frailties,

I feel a hand lifting my head once more,

And I know I can because He did so before.

A.C. Dyson

[acdyson-blog]

I can remember when I fell in love. A few times it was this gentle thing; where there’s a slow appreciation that lingers long enough to consider it love. Only once was there a love that dragged me by the hands and battered me until I was broken, thank God. As painful as that was it was not the worst. The worst was falling in love and knowing it inevitably had to end, yet I held on as long as I could. Like plunging underwater, seeing the beauty of the depths, knowing full well that at some point you’ll be surfacing, gasping for air. I didn’t want to let him go, I simply had no choice. It haunted me for so long and some days I thought I wouldn’t recover. I wonder on reflection, was it him, or was it the love? You can be in love with someone, the idea of someone or the sheer fantasy of being in love. I’m not a proud person but I know that I can love, I can fake it like women fake orgasms sometimes, but in the end I find myself and realise it’s not him. And I feel the ache in my soul that he’s still with someone else.

[acdyson-blog]

I hate the blank page, It expects too much, To write words that pierce, Wound, Or reflect, Express the joy and the conflict, And sometimes truthfully, I don’t have a single thing to say, Isn’t that something in itself? How less can be entirely more, For where words are smothered by words, We struggle to pick out any meanings, Our mother-tongue even, Transformed into clattering noise, By three or four or five, Yet with silence anyone can listen, A safe space for creativity, To blossom without fear of rebuke, Perhaps it is why I am learning, The blank space, Is just an open invitation, To begin a conversation.

A.C. Dyson

[acdyson-blog]

Have you ever felt unsure? How your life seems like a piece of tangled string; knotted, a bit frayed in places...how messy it is. If only our journeys were smooth, uncomplicated, that we should soar to high places, better places without falling. But it isn’t like that. For when there are those in despair there are those in denial; we lie to ourselves if we imagine a single soul has somehow found perfection. It is a myth; one that destines discontentment, breeds envy, ruins friendships, stifles opportunity.

A.C. Dyson

[acdyson-blog]

Won’t you let me in, It’s cold outside, My fingers are pressed, Against the window panes, My lips mouthing words, That you won’t hear, So I start to scream, Let the breath in my lungs, Echo into the night, Yet I’m just a clanging cymbal, A noise without voice, Forever a person, You don’t seem to notice. A.C. Dyson

[acdyson-blog]

Look at all my diamond rings, All my jewel-encrusted things, Watch me dance and hear me sing, To the here and now I cling. When I was young I had my way, But now as I age and I decay, The end is coming to my play, Now no one cares what I say. Once, I was a bright, young thing. A.C. Dyson

[acdyson-blog]

For a while I drifted, I let my body float on the sea, A thousand waves bringing me up, Plunging into the depths once more, But there was a moment, The promise of dry land, And how I wept when I saw it, As I swam closer I felt so sure, There was the end in sight, The broken pieces on my chest, I held onto them with one hand, But the ocean spat me out, On to an empty island of sand.

A.C. Dyson

[acdyson-blog]

Moths

I switched on the light last night, I could see every contour of my skin, White flesh; ripe and full, From the open window they came, Their wings beat against the walls, How silly they looked as they fluttered, I hugged my legs and watched them, Oh I know they're different, But they're really just the same, Sometimes I let them in, With no intention of letting them out.

A.C. Dyson

[acdyson-blog]

'I'm so glad for you', Let me whisper in your ear, Those words that make my heart burst, With such deep affection, Rooted in the knowledge that our Father, Is so good and loves, So desperately every part of us, Because you my dearest friend, I hope for such good things, Things that go above and beyond, Every expectation, I desire for you dreams so glorious, So wide and deep, They surpass understanding, Of how they shall come to pass, Yet for our Father the impossible, Is but a word, Not found in Heaven's vocabulary.

A.C.Dyson

[acdyson-blog]

I would love to feel something, Other than looming trepidation, How the future stretches out, The illusion of grandeur, I have nothing to show, And nowhere to go.

[acdyson-blog]

Sometimes I don't want to talk, I want to pretend I'm asleep, So there isn't the awkward realisation, Of how little I'm interested, In listening to a word you say.