ace-of-rach

[ace-of-rach]

it's wild to me how hard it is to find adult fiction that isn't romance. like, i'm not even asking for aro people. i'm just asking that romance isn't a defined part of the story!

[ace-of-rach]

Free (mostly academic) aro theory resources

On Amatonormativity

Amatonormativity, Aromanticism, and What Defines a Relationship - Rilee Granger

Amatonormativity in the Law: An Introduction - Silver Flight

"Allonormativity and Compulsory Sexuality" (chapter 6 of Encyclopedia of Queer Studies in Education) - Stephanie Anne Shelton

'I Dont Want To be a Playa No More': An Exploration of the Denigrating effects of 'Player' as a Stereotype Against African American Polyamorous Men - Justin L. Clardy

On Relationship Anarchy

The short instructional manifesto for relationship anarchy - Andie Nordgren

The Relationship Anarchy website

Thinking Relationship Anarchy from a Queer Feminist Approach - Roma De las Heras Gómez

Beyond romantic love – an analysis of how the dilemma of closeness vs. autonomy is handled in relationship anarchy discourse - Ricardo Guillén

The Ethics of Relationship Anarchy - Ole Martin Moen

On community

Examining aromantic and asexual inclusion in queer-serving organizations - based on Lauren Lichty's work

Exploring Aromanticism Through an Online Qualitative Investigation With the Aromantic Community: “Freeing, Alienating, and Utterly Fantastic” - James Fowler et al.

Community Listening Sessions with Aromantic People: Summary and Recommendations Report

Aurea Aro Census

Sexuality, romantic orientation, and masculinity: Men as underrepresented in asexual and aromantic communities - Hannah Tessler

On QueerPlatonic Relationships

Queerplatonic Zucchinis: A Short Primer - Omnes and Nihil (unsure)

Queering the Nuclear Family - Katie Linder

Queer(ing) consensual nonmonogamies, queering therapy: queer intimacy, kinship, and experiences of CNM in LGBTQIA+ lives - Christian Klesse et al.

On intersectionality

Intimacy and Desire Through the Lens of an Aro-Ace Woman of Color

Being Aroflux & Black - Kimberley Butler

Transitioning into Aromanticism as a Trans Student - Amethyst

Existing and Defying Stereotypes as an A-spec Disabled Person - Sapphire Crimson Claw

A Reflection on the March Carnival of Aros (several testimonies by aros of color and non-cis/non-het aros are linked in this article)

Other aro-related interesting reads

New Dimensions, New Directions: Asexualities and Aromanticism in the 21st Century - Megan Carroll et al.

Enriching the Story: Asexuality and Aromanticism in Literature - Adrienne Whisman

The Importance of Representation for Lesser-Known Sexual Identities on the Example of Asexuality and Aromanticism - Jasmin Kiechle

Experiences of Italian Asexual and Aromantic Individuals in Healthcare Settings: from Explicitly Aggressive to Affirming Interactions

Other lists of aro-related ressources (not all sources listed in these are free though)

by Aurea

The Asexuality and Aromanticism Bibliography

If you know of any other free ressource about aromanticism please consider adding to this list

[ace-of-rach]

apparently someone in Edinburgh has been updating the street signs for pride

[ace-of-rach]

having a queer platonic crush on someone is so strange. like, no, i can't stomach the thought of anyone else kissing you, but i dont want to kiss you. i want to tuck your hair behind your ear while you focus on something else. i want to hold your hand. you're my best friend. i love you, as a friend, but also so much more. i dont want to marry you. i want to spend the rest of my life with you. i love you. i know you on such a deep level. i feel like you really know me. you say you're afraid of love, and i agree, but my heart breaks because i'm not afraid of our love. i love you, do you love me? just as friends, or as something more? i love you as a Friend. i think about the plans we made in year 7 all the time. i'm sorry i'm not the right kind of love. i love you, but i dont Love you. is that enough?

[ace-of-rach]

what if we admitted to each other that it's not always really romance that we want. What if we admitted that what we're really craving is intimacy and society taught us romance is the only way to get it.

[ace-of-rach]

“Always the bridesmaid and never the bride” is like the worst insult

You mean I have so many friends who love and trust me enough to be a bridesmaid in multiple different weddings? You mean I don’t have to get married? This is the dream.

[ace-of-rach]

There are two basic arguments for shutting the fuck up about cishets at Pride.

First: What if a trans kid asks their parents to show their support by attending Pride with them? What if a lesbian can only attend pride if she gets a ride from someone and the only person willing and able to drive her is her straight brother? What if a bi disabled person can't attend a large outdoor event without hands-on assistance from their straight partner? What if someone just wants to bring their fucking friends? What if, contrary to popular tumblr discourse, most queers don't inhabit perfectly pure social bubbles populated only by other queers? What if it's none of your business?

Second and perhaps more important: If you think you can tell that someone is CIS, let alone HET, by LOOKING at them, you are a cop and an idiot.

[ace-of-rach]

Its really infuriating how common it is to overstep, ignore and ridicule the boundaries of people who want non-romantic sex / sexual relationships. Yes, including if they’re alloromantic.

It doesn’t matter how open you are about your boundaries around romance and love; how often you repeat to whoever you fuck that you don’t want romance, that you won’t fall for them, etc., once they fall in love with you, you are the bad guy for not loving them back, for not wanting a romantic relationship, for not ~getting over your fear of commitment~

And when you point out how fucked up that is to people who’ll call themselves allies to aromantic people, often they’ll respond "well, they never said they were aromantic!" Cause like. Hot take i guess but alloromantic people don’t deserve to be forced into romantic relationships, either. If the only way you can accept someone not wanting a romantic relationship is if they’re aromantic, know they’re aromantic, and will out themself to you unprompted, you don’t actually accept that decision, like, at all. Because that person, yknow, could very well be aromantic and just they haven’t told anyone because they don’t want to, because it wouldn’t be safe, or even just because they don’t fucking know because aromanticism is still a very unknown thing.

And even if they’re not, this type of treatment is still incredibly fucked up in exactly the same way! Because guess what, alloromantic people can be romance repulsed, too! And it’s not something that needs to be fixed for them, either!!

It shouldn’t be so fucking normal for people to publicly boast about how they "tricked" or pressured or just straight-up forced their sexual partners into a romantic relationship and be celebrated for it as if that shit was even remotely funny. It’s disgusting.

[ace-of-rach]

Being aroace with a squish is really like. You look so nice and cute and pretty (not like that), I’d like to snuggle up in bed with you (not like that) and play with your hair (not like that) and lay there for a while (not like that) and hold your hand all the time (not like that) and hang out with you one-on-one (not like that) and get to you know you on a deep and personal level (not like that)

[ace-of-rach]

Honestly, I am pretty frustrated by the "haha why would anyone hate ace people" responses to Rowling's tweet.

Don't get me wrong, the support is nice. But if you want to be an ally, you have to do so on our terms, not yours. And that means actually engaging with the aspec community, not just posting positivity every now and again. And what those responses highlight to me is what I've known for a while; you guys only support aspec people when it's easy and convenient.

It's easy to support aspec people when it's J.K. Rowling being awful again. It's easy to support us when it's just reblogging an "aspec people are queer" post.

But what about when we are talking about amatonormativity and the relationship hierarchy? When we are discussing the enforcement of compulsory sexuality? When we are pushing for greater awareness and support for aspec identities that are not asexuality or aromanticism? When we are criticizing terminology that you use but harms us? Because I can tell you right now, I rarely see allo people engage with those posts.

Why do people hate asexuality (or any other aspec identity)? Because it challenges the societal norms that benefit them. And that is uncomfortable and scary. So they turn to hate and oppression in order to assure that the changes we push by just openly existing never happen.

That means that to be a good aspec ally, you can't just make a positivity post every now and again, and you can't just laugh about how stupid aphobes are. You have to openly challenge the societal norms that harm us, even if they benefit you. Including but not limited to:

The idea that romantic and sexual attraction is the default state of being (amatonormativity)

The idea that a romantic, sexual relationship completes a person

People in marriages receiving special privileges and benefits

The idea that platonic, familial, etc. attraction are default states of being

The idea that not feeling some form of attraction must be compensated for through another form of attraction

The idea that love (not just romantic) is inherently morally good, while not feeling love is inherently a moral failing

The idea that any one form of relationship is inherently more important or deeper than any other (relationship hierarchy)

The idea that any one thing makes someone human

The idea that not having sex is shameful or infantile

The idea that having sex without romantic love is callous

Gendered divides of sexual and romantic attraction

Other aspec people please feel free to add on/challenge any of this. Allo (not aspec) people please feel free to ask questions.

I've placed some resources for learning more about these topics under the cut.

Amatonormativity:

[1] [2] [3] [4] [5 - also in the Loveless section] [6 - also in the Compulsory Sexuality section]

Marriage Benefits:

[1]

Other Aspec Identities:

[Aplatonicism] [Afamilialism]

Loveless:

[1] [2 - also in the Amatonormativity section] [3] [4] [5]

Compulsory Sexuality:

[1 - also in the Amatonormativity section] [2]

Relationship Hierarchy vs Relationship Anarchy:

[1] [2] [3]

Oppression:

[1] [2] [3]

Miscellaneous:

[1] [2]

Books and Video Essays:

An Ace Discourse Retrospective by Jenny Geist

Ace: What Asexuality Reveals about Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex by Angela Chen

Refusing Compulsory Sexuality: A Black Asexual Lens on Our Sex-Obsessed Culture by Sherronda J. Brown

[ace-of-rach]

I gotta say, so much queer intra-community horseshit dropped off my shoulders when I decided to adopt a firm policy that everyone is the expert in their own identity, the single most knowledgeable person about what it's like to live life in their own skin, and that if someone describes their experience in ways I find contradictory or paradoxical I should do them the courtesy of presuming that they are striving to express something very specific and nuanced, rather than leaping to the conclusion that they're just dumb and using words wrong.

Sure, there are some combinations of identity terms that I look at and go "hmm, I don't get how that works." I'm still a human being. But there's a big difference between not getting how something works versus insisting that it doesn't.

[ace-of-rach]

The rest of the queers aren't allowed to exclude asexuals anymore; we've got the JK Rowling Seal of Disapproval! It's official, we belong!

[ace-of-rach]

to summarize: you have the moral backbone of a flatworm if your response every time harry potter comes up is to make it about your inability to give up a book

[ace-of-rach]

Aplatonics & loveless aros taught me that my aromanticism needs no justification, that I don't have to "make up" for not feeling romantic love by talking about how I feel other types of love.

Loveless aros taught me to consider what I actually mean when I say that I love something or someone, to find more ways of describing my feelings.

Aplatonics taught me to question the concept of friendship and what we associate with it, to think about what I truly want out of friendships, what different kinds of friendship I want in my life, where the line is between acquaintance and friend.

Loveless aros taught me to become aware of how much people are willing to excuse because it was "done out of love", how much focus we put on how people feel rather than what they do.

Aplatonic and loveless perspectives are important and valuable.

[ace-of-rach]

Can I just say, uh, I’m pretty sure noticing you’re asexual is harder than noticing you’re gay, straight, pan or otherwise. Like, I just read someone’s desciption of hitting puberty and, like, there’s nothing like that. There’s no sudden ‘boob’ moment, no sudden ‘fuck, I’d fuck that’ moment, not sudden anything. You just, like, plod on through life as usual going ‘oooh, that’s pretty, I’d like that hair’ or ‘oooooh, they’re nice, I’d like to be close to them’ but there’s no like, ‘oh, someone would want to fuck that but I don’t’, you know? You just- you don’t notice, you don’t realise everyone else has ‘had a moment’ but you haven’t, you just- keep going as you always have.

And then, much much later, you start to wonder why people are getting so caught up in drama for romance or sex, like, why bother? It’s not worth it, they’re not worth it, why are you doing stupid things for something that’s so- and then you wonder if there’s something wrong with you, start mentally over compensating. Like ‘uh, okay, um, who should I date? Who can I stand to date? Who could I stand to fuck?’ like- it’s not, it’s not something you want, but you want to fit in, to be normal.

Sometimes you don’t even know that you’re doing it.

Sometimes you don’t even know asexual’s a thing.

I dunno, I guess, I just feel like, uh, people should understand more?

idk sorry thank you for listening to me

[ace-of-rach]

why be radically exclusionary abt queerness when you could be radically inclusionary instead. let's inflate the numbers. let's become the majority. the sky's the limit

[ace-of-rach]

amatonormativity will have you believe that a romantic relationship would solve everything. that's the devil talking