acespaceandcraze-blog

[acespaceandcraze-blog]

My Crazy Little Space

Hi! This is my 3rd tumblr account and I want this one to be my online diary, or more like my absorbent when I have thoughts running in my head and I have no one to talk to. You might think I’m such a lonely person. I’m actually not. I am a very optimistic person and very patient too! However, I am very quiet and submissive. I don’t know how to get angry or throw a fit. I try to understand things that I can not control and move on. I mastered the art of “deadmatology” and learned the technique of energy-allocation. 

I thought of starting this kind of blog after I dreamt of death. I am not scared of death itself, I just fear my daughter wouldn’t have me by her side in this complicated world growing up, she’s only 2! She needs her momma, at least for the next 30 years. I want to document some parts of my life here so that (God forbid) when I die, my daughter can read everything in here and somehow still feel my presence. 

Right now, I am currently in my office, Tom and Charlie are already asleep, it’s Friday and it’s already 2 minutes past midnight. So technically, it is already Saturday. We had a good day. Tom is already driving so he drove me to a client meeting and we decided to bring Charlie too so we can enjoy the fall weather as much as we can. Tomorrow, or should I say later, we’ll be going to a minor injury clinic to have Tom’s shoulder injury checked then have dinner around the area and head to Nuit Blanche to see this year’s artworks. I’ve never been! I only see them on Instagram and I never really had the chance to go see it since I got pregnant, that’s why I’m so excited for tomorrow! I may or may not join my mom, my sister and my ninang to go to LA Collection for my sister’s wedding dress fitting. I was with her when she said yes to the dress but we had the biggest fight a couple of months ago. We just started talking casually and I still don’t know how I feel about the situation. I honestly think I am so drained already that I don’t have the energy to make another effort to try to understand why she is the way she is. Right now, I just want to get out of her way, expect nothing from her and move on with my life. I have given her so many chances and been so unbelievably patient with her for as long as I can remember and I am just not ok to continue being treated like that. I’ll just do my job to be a sister to her on this wedding but I won’t be doing all the extra efforts that I used to do for her. I’m just not that nice anymore. 

Tbh, I can’t solely blame her for disrespecting and belittling me all the time. Growing up, we didn’t have our dad with us physically and emotionally because he had to work abroad in order to provide for us. We would only see him maximum of 3 months every other year or if lucky, once a year. I feel so bad for my dad for all his sacrifices working in a ship, throwing up and being seasick, homesick and not being able to spend time with the love of his life (my mom), and also sacrificing the chance of having a relationship with us, her daughters. I remember being shy and somewhat scared of him every time he’s home because I never really knew him, we never had a real father-daughter relationship. I feel so bad that yes, we did went to private schools and always had food in our table in exchange of having a great family relationship. I wish I could somehow make him feel that all his hard-work, blood and sweat did not go to waste, that we still see it and still very grateful for what he did for us. I pray that Charlie may somehow fill in that missing piece and be able to build a great relationship with him. 

You may be wondering, so if you don’t blame your dad and not solely blame your sister, who should I blame? Well, it’s more of my fault than mom. I think if I did not allow her to disrespect me the first time, it wouldn’t have continued for years as we were growing up. I did not stop her and say, “that’s not right!”. Instead, I brushed all the hurt off and tried to befriend her. I thought I was doing the right thing by relating to her so we can start a relationship. I agreed to the wrongs, I stood up for her even when she wasn’t right, I wanted to show her I can be her friend no matter what she does. I was so wrong. But now I realized, it was not my sole responsibility to correct her. It was more of the mother’s. So I tried to understand what caused this. 

I was a “late-bloomer”. Most people would say high school life is the best part of their lives, it wasn’t for me LOL! My sister and I are 7 years apart and we went to the same school and it was just about a 5-minute walk from our house in Manila. So everyday when mom picks up my sister, I also had to go straight home. I was never allowed to go out with friends, let alone have a sleepover. I did not have a single drop of alcohol in my mouth until I was in 19! We also had same curfews, 6pm Rosary time. I’d like to think I was a good girl. But I also never had a great relationship with my mom. She just was not approachable and there was no chance of having a heart-to-heart talk with her. She was just always mad, always concern of what other people will think or what will her in-laws would say because again, my dad was not there. It has not been easy for her too, I guess. All her parenting decisions were limited by the fact that my dad was not there so if ever something happens to us, she’s the one to blame. I swear, I truly understand where she was coming from, but what I couldn’t understand is why she never trusted me way before I made my very first mistake as a teenager. 

We lived in Tondo. No offence to anyone but you can see the worst lives in there. I was no near that! I did not start drinking until I was in college, I never liked smoking, or even tried any type of drugs! I did not get pregnant until I was 31! I was pretty fine but I was treated and disrespected by my own family UNTIL NOW RUBBING IT IN AND EVEN TELLING MY OWN DAUGHTER that I was the worst daughter one could ever have. I still do not understand. I had real family outside home. I had to find love, trust and respect somewhere else because if I didn’t, I could have ended up just like the person they always think I was.