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My story so far

I am writing this to hopefully raise awareness and shed some light on situations people ignore or dismiss. I want to help people no matter what their going through with my words , my wisdom and inspire and give my strength to anyone who feels they have none left. My story so far .. A few major things had happened in the years before hand (Ill save these stories for another time) causing my mental health to deteriorate (such a big problem in our generation, thats just kept so secretive) Feeling lost and deflated keeping quiet about all my problems , our problems keeping shit to myself. Feeling to breathless and anxious to even leave the house for work. Falling out with friends because I was weak they thought I was stupid for all Ive put up with, a toxic relationship. Me and my long term partner would just argue and fuss and fight for hours to the point of ultimate distress on both halves. Neither of us really knew what we wanted when you've been romantic with one person for so long it can get really crazy I believe noones a bad person though I believe people only do bad things and thats the stage we were at doing bad things. The physical altercations got to much for us both it seemed as though we were killing each other slowly. Who bruises someone they love? Who try's to hurt them with wicked words? Im so done been a wicked person but we both had a bad mental state and combined it was not pretty. I lived with him and his family in not the most comfortable environment this could also spark our disagreements. Working full time jobs, missing each other , no trust in each other , assumptions , we even thought it was acceptable to lay our hands on one another at some points which is never ok on either part male or female. So with all this been said what the hell was a girl to do I felt I couldn't go home to my mother as it had been to long I was kind of brainwashed id fantasise about the days I didn't have to stay at my partners family's house anymore. One day I just became exhausted the fighting became to much and I finally stopped provoking and reacting then we remembered we can talk to each other. So after about a week of exhaustion and finally getting along again I started not to feel myself even more we got drunk at a christmas party ( I had some time of work and got drunk every day since the 16th December until just after christmas to numb my issues ) but this time we both got drunk at the party and we started loving on each other again like we had before he made a silly comment about my belly and said I had a little him in there. Which we both just laughed off drunkly as I thought yeah impossible. This comment didnt leave my mind all night then when a still slightly drunk but a more sober me woke up that comment was the first thing on my mind. I asked him what the fuck he meant?! He said he was just drunk and playing with me. Then I started to think wait I havent been feeling right for awhile I put it down to just been sad. But something kind of clicked in me I felt sick and I turned to my partner and said omg you've gotta get me a test he looked puzzled but when I explained he went to the corner shop and came back with three tests. I was terrified not to lie , id been pregnant before when I was younger and that didn't end well as they couldn't find a heartbeat .. Pure dread came into my heart and pure fear I started to feel more sick and panicked than ever. What if I lost a baby again I already accepted the fact I couldn't carry nor could I get pregnant again after the damage left and the blood transfusions and all the struggles of the time before. I didn't even want to be a mother at all , or did I ? No not Atleast until I was like 30 or something id pushed all thoughts of ever been someones mother out of my head for a while as it was to painful. Ugh why me , why didn't we glove up why did it have to feel so good why why why and then to think I had been drinking and smoking. Shit. I stopped all these thoughts and quickly manned up and took all the tests to the bathroom. All positive. Shit. Id not long started a great new job though , I was really excelling and I dont wanna be a mother and surely history would repeat itself? Were the tests right? I cant even get pregnant can I? Ive been drinking so much and smoking, ive been so sad ive been getting into scraps with my partner how far gone was I? Had we scrapped when I was pregnant? Im trapped. So many thoughts I sat in the bathroom and just let out a deep breath. Im the strongest person I know lol or am I or do I just suppress shit and abuse substances to get over the way i felt ? Either way I felt strong I know im strong after everything id been through before in the past year let alone the past few years. Okay It is what it is man. Walked out the bathroom and handed my partner all the tests we looked at each other he widened his eyes then he smiled real hard probably the most he'd smiled at me in a long time, he was happy but he was worried because he to lost his baby when I did before. We both lost the baby. It was ours and now we were faced with that feeling once again omg were pregnant wtf to do?! Not to mention We found out on new years eve!! So all of our plans cancelled. Man if this wasnt the time for me to get drunk and high I dont know what was. So we left it for a few days. We agreed to rebuild ourselves and rebuild our friendship and then out relationship. We obviously still loved and cared for each other but we had to make a pact no more toxic mess not around my baby no way no how. No More drinking for me I told myself I also stopped smoking cigarettes I was the moodiest id been in a month or so withdrawal symptoms really aint the one. I found it extremely hard to stop getting high though truthfully that had been my addiction and coping mechanism for years I felt even more lost wondering what the fuck I was gonna do without getting high everyday after work after a busy day after just having to wake up. Truly exhausting. Still only me and my partner knew our secret whilst I struggled to come to terms with it. At work I had the worst morning sickness ever I wont post to much about this but my job included me having to be really hands on and alert at all times It was getting real tough. I needed to tell someone. I told my manager their reaction wasn't really what I needed I guess they felt I was deliberately(damn it took spell check along time to figure out wtf I was just tryna spell) deliberately ruining their business. Great. And more exhaustion and more morning sickness. I need my mom Yo. The next day I went to my moms house and just came right out with everything she was shocked , happy , scared because of last time of course. My darling mom man I missed her she reacted just how Id wanted her to by getting my shits together telling me I had to make decisions from now and ultimately booking me a private paid scan for the next evening to check everything was ok. Work on this day was the worst all I could think about was whether I was gonna see that little heartbeat or whether it would have stopped like last time, like last time like last time all i kept thinking was like last time. Jesus get me the fuck out of here It was going slow though because I was clock watching. Finally it was time to leave i was outta there in no time I felt so sick driving to the scan place we picked up my partner It was just us three I could tell my mom and him were terrified to but they were just tryna be happy and make me laugh but i literally couldn't even speak I just felt so weird , silence please until we get this over with. So we arrive at the place and I swear my feet stopped working and my legs like I couldn't even get out of the car, mom helped me. Okay this is it. There was like a ten minute wait for the sonographer it felt more like ten fucking hours. Id zoned anyway I didnt know what anyone was saying and if they were talking to me I wasnt listening, finally they called me. We got into the scan room and oh my life Ive never experienced fear like it I personally thought I was fearless nothing scared me but this did. My mom literally had to lift me onto the bed and pull up my top for the scan and then explain to the sonographer Id had a bad experience in the past. My partner looked at me and smiled but I could see past his smile I could tell he was fucking shit scared just like me so he came and held my hand she rubbed the cold jelly on my stomach and began to look around Id covered my eyes by this point cos in my head I thought well at least this time if theres no heartbeat I wouldn't have to see it. I heard people talking my mom , the sonographer , some other woman in the back supervising I just wasnt listening to what they were saying my mom stood up and took my hands from my eyes and said its okay look! I looked and there was my beautiful little bean with the strongest heartbeat ive ever saw the sonographer turned to me and said your only eight weeks so not far gone at all but they have a real strong heartbeat and so far everything looks fine. I just froze and started sobbing. My little bean I couldn't believe it they printed us some scan pictures and I prized myself up of their bed and we went back to my moms house on the way back I was sick all over myself in the car in my new tracksuit that was really something. A part of me just couldn't believe I had a living thing inside of me. Wow got to my moms house cleaned up and ate some food and we talked and we made decisions and I told her I didn't wanna be a mother and she told me really it was tough and I should of thought about it before I didnt use protection. Lol typical thanks mom though I needed that. So I should have been relaxed cos there was a heartbeat but all I kept thinking about was would they even make it another week inside me I really didnt believe I was capable of bringing another life into this world. She dropped us back to my partners families house were we lived and my partner told his family they were happy for us his mother especially. We sat in our bedroom and I just cried on him for abit then he made a spliff and I had a few drags ( I know its bad but try not to judge me ) id read marijuana could help with sickness . Yeah anything to make it sound better. Fast forward a little bit to a week or so and I had a couple of appointments at the hospital due to what had happened before they wanted to double check me and see if I was okay. My manager was not at all happy about how many appointments I was having constantly making sly remarks and comments giving me the silent treatment telling me I was causing them to have to find cover. My initial thoughts whatever trevor I'm still here still working still trying my best your the least of my worries and just ignored them and looked forward to going to bed as the exhaustion was unreal Id never felt a tiredness like it honestly. Fatigue. Back at my partners house him and his mother had had a few disagreements lately and then one night it got really bad and a lot of harsh things were said and eventually she told him he had till the end of the week to get out. What ! I was shocked where was I gonna go ? All pregnant and shit clearly I had to go with him I hadnt left his side at the best of times never mind staying somewhere he'd been kicked out of. Weird shit I made the split second decision and told him lets leave now we grabbed a few bits we needed for the next couple days and left right there and then. Where we gonna go !? My partner asked I didnt even know I just knew I didnt wanna stay there any longer. I called my mom and briefly explained she didnt have a clue what I was talking about it was half eleven at night and everyone had work early in the morning she just said yes then we turned up at her house at midnight , a couple of lost puppies like hey. She just made sure we were okay we'd ate and we had somewhere to sleep with all her blankets and pillows. Fast forward a little bit I really wanted to move into our own place so I started saving over half my wages for the next two months and just stacking up buying things for the place we found , he was saving to , we'd saved more money then than in our whole lives , I mean it seemed real easy I wasnt buying bottles of alcohol all the time I wasnt buying cigarettes I wasnt buying weed no clothes cos I figured id just grow out of them soon anyway so my money was literally untouched so saving and buying household goods was all me for the next few weeks. I wasnt happy but I was at peace. We viewed a flat and I knew it was the one man I just didnt think we stood a chance as it was in a posh area and quite expensive and we were not posh and you know how landlords would stereotype a young black couple so I really began to give up hope of finding somewhere. But then they called and told us the place was all ours and we could come and collect the keys in two weeks I was so happy we were happy, it felt like things were finally gonna go right. The day before I was due to move in my manager dismissed me unfairly due to pregnancy discrimination. It didn't come as much of a shock because of all the shit id put up with them since telling them I was pregnant, but I couldnt believe people could actually do this stuff to people. It was disgusting I was so mad and now breaking down because I didnt even know if id be able to afford to live in our beautiful new home. All the stuff we'd brought and I didnt wanna be a young mom living in at my mothers house it was all just to much once again I manned up and realised I had alot of savings and still had another wage to come my way and some unpaid holiday so I was going to be okay until that ran out. Of course my partner works hard and he could pay everything but that is not something I wanted either so I made sure to even out my savings to last until the summer by then id be receiving maternity pay anyway. I was terrified for the 12 week scan as alot of pregnancies dont make it to the 2nd trimester all I could think about was what I had lost before I just couldn't accept anything good would happen for me so once again sick and nervous I went to my next scan and there it was again a beautiful little heartbeat , so strong and the way they were wiggling about in me on the scan I still just could not believe it more scan photos were given and I left feeling abit happier once again still filled with terror and worry. I began to wonder whether or not id ever be able to enjoy been pregnant and if it was even worth it worth putting on the fake smiles every day worth looking at my changing body going from been super underweight hardly , controlled eating basically not eating at all - when I was sad cos It was the only thing I felt I had control over , to having no choice but to eat constantly all the time even through all the horrible morning sickness that FYI doesnt just fucking occur in the mornings. Ugh. Whatever. I have no choice for me pregnancy felt horrible its a really weird experience I didn't understand how women skipped about with their big bellies all happy and excited cos I was not happy or excited I loved my baby of course but It filled me with dread to think I could be growing them but never get to meet them again I just was not prepared for this at all and Im twenty years old. Isnt that old enough? Hell no. But theres nothing I can do. Fast forward 16 weeks pregnant and received news you can pay for a private scan to reveal the gender. So basically to put it blunt I thought everytime I had another scan I wouldnt see the babies heartbeat sounds paranoid and ridiculous and surely after three scans id calm down . Nope it got worse for me. So of course I wanted to find out the gender but for me it was just another way to see if the baby was still alive in me. The day of my gender scan I actually had an appointment with the midwife to listen to the heartbeat. So i went into that terrified as well my midwife knew how scared I was and dealt with me really nicely she eased me into it and then I heard my beautiful baby's heartbeat for the first time. Oh my God it was shocking I felt breathless I was listening to my baby's heartbeat. (Ive just noticed excuse my poor grammar throughout I never liked school lol) but that heartbeat the most special thing to me its all I could think about. Then in the evening when it came to my private scan I was still terrified at finding their heartbeat even though id heard it literally a few hours before! It was then that I realised I actually had a real problem. But whatever suppressed that again and readied myself for what they were saying in the scan. So I brought along my sister my dad my mom my partner and my bestfriend as you were paying you could have five people in the room lol. This if your highly nervous I wouldnt recommend they were all so excited and happy I just couldnt figure out how they were so excited and happy whilst I was miserable and terrified. So on the scan table the cold jelly again and then the sonographer started to feel around I covered my eyes again of course like I did every scan then got the all clear that there was a heartbeat then started to watch it was beautiful I couldnt get over the fact a little human was inside my belly so weird so magical wow. The sonographer asked so do you want to know the sex my family were all like wooo yeahh I didnt say anything just half heartedly smiled all of a sudden then sonographer told me its a girl!!! Oh my God. I had a little girl growing inside me a mini me. I sobbed abit again. Unreal my very own little daughter. So overwhelming that I actually started to feel really upset thats another thing about been pregnant these raging hormones noone warns you about this stuff I swear. So we were having a little girl (something my partner had said all along) and I was still not happy. I started to feel really selfish and bad. I explained I felt lonely I dont know how when I wasn't alone but it was just not a great feeling at all I really needed help I started to act irrationally and like an emotional wreck I definitely needed to accept some help so a week or so later I spoke up and was referred to a mental health midwife. Which to me sounded dramatic as fuck. But cos id struggled with mental health before it was something they had recommended anyway but stubborn old me didn't take the help. But now it was official I was dealing with antenatal depression like a constant feeling of impending doom I just couldn't be happy ever again could I? At Least not until my daughter was in my arms. I dont do talking or taking sad pills I couldn't drink I couldn't get high or control my eating like before not to mention I couldnt just have the maddest sex session either as I was scared that would harm my baby to. Ugh. I couldn't do nothing man because I was pregnant so my stress went straight to my head all everyone kept saying was dont stress you'll stress out the baby. Like really thank fuck you just said that never thought of that before. I literally couldnt listen to people and their stupid comments I just tried to accept they were trying to help and whatever they were saying was in my best interest. Okay Now this is were my story so far gets real fucked up. Ive been trying to think how to word this since before even starting to write this. Writing it in my head over and over but this is were it gets really personal to me. We're almost up to the current point in my story so far to. So 19 weeks pregnant I am terrified (surprise) for my next scan next week, its the 20 week scan it looks at your baby and your inside properly in abit more detail and sees if things are forming the way they should with the baby and with the umbilical cord, the placenta, the sack of fluid baby is in just all sorts of things. So of course im fearing the worst noone gets why I always fear the worst but I did it before been pregnant anyway so now im pregnant it just made it that bit worse for me. Im showing now by the way got a right little belly going on lol my moms started with a baby box , little socks her first teddy , a couple outfits she even managed to convince me to buy my little girl something I brought her some girly dinosaur baby grows as Id never saw dinosaurs for girls before and I loved it. So this beautiful little baby girl box. I looked through now and again and I wouldnt say I got used to been pregnant but I started to feel her little movements her little swimming and butterfly movements in my tummy so as much as Id tried to stay detached incase of any loss I was attatched whether I liked it or not. My baby girl. I pictured what shed look like , where id take her , what me and my partner would be like with a baby and what a daddy he would be. Holidays with her and just the rest of my life with her. My saviour she'd even made me able to forgive my partner and to care a lot less about the silly little things in life when I think about it she's the only reason Id found a way to want to live again, like she'd given me a purpose like I didnt need to have my eating disorders anymore or get high or get drunk all I needed was to feel her move. I dreamed about kissing and feeling her skin for the first time, I just couldnt believe id been given the opportunity from God to bring one of his angels onto the earth. Had me really in my feelings and thats not me at all. Crazy shit. Anyway back to the scan. Im 21 weeks and 3 days now and its the day of my scan to see if everything's okay me and my partner are nervous of course but im with my mom and him again and there telling me everything's gonna be fine and I just need to chill out. So we get into the scan I cover my eyes once again and then the doctor tells me theres a heartbeat , a strong heartbeat. so I open my eyes and start to look his scanning all over explaining what he can see so far then he goes quiet and starts to scan the same place over and over again, her heart. So I just get a feeling somethings wrong. A single tear comes out my eye and I just lye on the bed waiting for him to say something to give me some information , finally he says im just going to get a second opinion. Thanks for all that info Dr fucking who. My mom and my partners faces they look so sad , so sad for me for them for us all man we dont understand whats going on were just waiting for them to say something more. Two doctors come in the room and scan her heart again shes wriggling all over the place at this point sucking her thumb , waving her arms. I just cant look at the screen anymore I cant bring myself to look at her. The doctor says im so sorry but we suspect she has hypo plastic left heart syndrome, well fuck me. From when he said im so sorry I just couldnt breathe again I didnt even know what the fuck he meant but im scared and im upset and im desperate. My partner looks so sad to. I just feel so bad I just want to apoligize to everyone I just dont understand why I cant do this one thing a women's supposed to do. So the doctor gives us some notes and refers us to a fetal medicine scanner to confirm the diagnosis. Basically the left side of her heart hadn't formed properly he told us what to look at online and what to read etc. I just couldnt believe it. I felt like a fool for ever believing something good could happen for me for us. So we left thinking we had nothing left. I had already started grieving and she wasnt even gone! I was grieving like she was though I just lost all hope. Reading up on the syndrome it means she will need open heart surgery at just a few hours old, then another open heart surgery at around 7 months if she was even to make it through the first op. Then another open heart surgery at 2/3 years old. Then eventually a heart transplant as her heart will never work like a normal heart and it can never be fixed. Well ill be damned. I spent the next few days until the fetal medicine scan breaking down in the shower and staying in bed anything I was doing included bed I didnt wanna leave bed I didnt wanna talk to anyone I was defeated. I couldn't bring myself to go into the room with that damn baby box. Fetal medicine scan day. Which are more skilled doctors sonographers that specify in looking at problems and confirming them. By this point id given up been scared before the scan as I was scared everyday. Waking up was like hearing the diagnosis all over again because as soon as I opened my eyes I would remember. So the doctors scanned and it was confirmed hypoplastic left heart syndrome my poor baby girl thinking of everything shes gonna have to deal with. How long would I know her? If I got to know her at all would she even survive the first op? Second? Third? What the fuck. Why me? Why me and my baby Im a good person Ive done a few bad things but ive dealt with more bad Jesus why me ? Did I really not deserve a break I just couldnt believe my luck. They offered me three options. Termination. Which I considered for a little while as I believed it would hurt less if I lost her now than loosing her when Id met her. Is it better to have loved and lost or to have lost and never loved? What kind of shitty statement is that I dont even know what to think anymore. I decide if shes still fighting then I have to fight with her I cant just give up hope for my baby girl. So cancel out that option. Next. They offer the three stages of the operations but thats not including any complications and operations to fix anything else that goes wrong oh and also my baby has to weigh over 5 pounds to be able to have these operations anyway and cant have any chromosomal issues such as down syndrome or Edwards syndrome then they really cant operate at all and nature just has to take its way. And the last option was compassionate care so when my baby's born they help us plan the funeral and give us extra support. To me all these options were fucked the fuck up and I just didnt want to have to choose any of them. We had like a week to make a decision until we met with the cardiologist who would explain my little girls problems in more depth as every baby is different of course and look in depth at her little heart. See if it was even possible to operate how much damage was actually done. Well fuck me. I seriously didnt even know this condition existed and neither did my family and friends. I couldn't help but just feel grief and defeat. But as long as my daughter kept fighting I knew that I was going to so we picked the second option deciding to go through with the operations if that was a possibility for her. Appointment over. I couldnt even bring myself to look at my stomach that night truth be told i couldn't even look at myself at all. I just felt like a failure If i couldn't do this what could I do? I thought about how my life will never be the same ever again as most babies take up to three months to leave the hospital if they even get to at all how much we'd have to be in the hospital for the rest of her life. Weve been dealt some real shit cards. Cant I just give her some of my heart? Cant my partner give some of his heart? We would give her anything she needed. Not possible. Ive tried to think of how to explain the next week to you guys but its impossible to put into words for me it felt like been in a box in the deepest point of the sea and seeing a random submarine in the distance but if you try to scream to get its attention you'd drown. Although that comparison is shitty because nothing could compare to the way I was feeling. Grief pure grief and heart break, I didnt know why God kept testing me but I also didnt want to question him. Cardiologist appointment arrived and in we went again to check over our baby. So her little heart is underdeveloped and the right side is doing everything for the left side. Everything else looks fine her growth is normal and her movements. The biggest problem though her heart. Now there are four severe things that could be wrong with her heart adding to her syndrome meaning she is unable to have the operation and she only had one of them. Her areola a small vaule to the heart was only 1mm big which will make it harder for the surgeons performing her operation. So it makes a high risk operation even more high risk. Then the cardiologist started coming at us with statistics and they sounded real shit , any hope I'd had left she knocked it the fuck out of me. Information overload I just couldnt believe what I was hearing still all I kept thinking about was how long we're going to know her for I mean we still dont know what were dealing with properly until shes here anyway all we know is she has a 25/75 chance of survival with the op . And a even lower chance without the op. So much to take in. We were told a charity named little hearts matter would get in touch with us and that we could go and visit parents or surviving babies after the op and then we would go and have a look at the children's hospital where our baby will be transported to straight after birth ( I wont even get to hold her until after the op ) blah blah blah just more words that hurt and I just wanted to get into bed. Left that appointment feeling worse than when we went in. I cried a hell of alot that night to in the shower were I felt I could just sit with the freezing cold water hitting me trying to wake me up out of this emotional daze I had dropped into. I went a walk and contemplated just jumping into the moving traffic so me and her could just be free together in a better place. No I refuse to sink. After that I realised most people my age could not put up with half the stuff I've been through hell people twice my age couldn't. I remembered I was super strong (more so than ever before) and that my daughter was just as strong as her mommy. The next day we spoke with the charity and now theres a lovely lady who calls me to see if were okay and how baby's doing. And I have more hope than ever I believe everything is going to be okay in the end and God only tests his strongest people. My baby girl is my will to live and she keeps me strong and she now kicks me real hard every single day her daddy feels and sees her kicks and so do my family and friends. She's so beautiful and strong im now 25 weeks and waiting on more scans I have to have one every two weeks and endless appointments monitoring her. Im a high risk pregnancy but I'm okay for the first time in a while and whenever I have a down day and cry a little my baby makes sure to kick me so I know she doesnt want her mommy to be sad. Dont get me wrong nothing is cured certainly my despair and broken heart for her broken heart, some days I feel like I can take on the world and anything it throws my way and other days I cant imagine loosing my little darling , it really hurts not knowing how long I may know her for. But I just have to accept life is an amazing gift no matter how short or long. And although I'm to young to be dealing with all this shit I'm making it my mission to deal with all of this shit just for my girl. And I hope to raise awareness on alot of issues raised in my post. Ill be writing more when the times right and thankyou for listening x https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=1700345300267324&id=1696783053956882 https://www.betterhelp.com/start/?utm_source=AdWords&utm_medium=Search_PPC_m&utm_term=mental+health+helpline_p&utm_content=41730113956&network=g&placement=&target=&matchtype=p&utm_campaign=384715930_mobile&ad_type=text&adposition=1t1&gclid=CK7R9-e03tMCFcy37QodO20LaA&gor=start-go&fv=d http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/Pages/mental-health-helplines.aspx https://www.nct.org.uk/pregnancy/antenatal-depression http://mensadviceline.org.uk https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/helpline/ My story so far ! .. Stay tuned. #mentalhealth #awareness #littleheartsmatter #speak #useyourvoice #love #follow #strong #pleaseread #story