achelei

[achelei]

LSD.

And for the first time in years, the "Kisapmata" song didn't taste bitter.

[achelei]

Memento.

So.. the necklace you gave me just got broken a few minutes ago. The chain snapped because I accidentally have put a little more force when I was trying to fix it around my neck while I was laying in bed, scrolling random videos in TikTok. Must be the frustrations from seeing repetitive videos playing "Multo" bgm hahaha kidding! I paused for a few seconds hoping I could have just unhooked the clasp but upon further inspection, it was the chain that really broke. For an inevitable reason, you came to mind - but given the circumstances that life has brought me, I have learned that the overstated meanings we give on things and events just tend to be stupid at times and were mostly driven by misconceptions or mere superstitions. Thinking more clearly, that necklace has been with me for almost 15 years. In reality, given the deterioration of material, it was bound to break I guess and unfortunately, the inevitable happened today.

Tbh, I really liked that memento. Not to remind me of you, but mainly because of the cross pendant you have chosen to give me more than a decade ago. It reminds me everyday of my faith and calms me whenever I get to hold it at uncertain times. For now, I have managed to find another chain at home from Audrey's gift but I just realized that the chain was too thin and with high probability of breaking. Not sure though if I still want to fix the original chain or just buy a new one from the exact same brand but I just hope I can survive in the meantime with the thinner chain.

But then again on unexpected breaking of sentimental things, superstition or not, I will always pray for you & your family's safety and good health.

I wish you well, Dear.

[achelei]

"i wonder if we ever think of each other at the same time."

[achelei]

Thank God I met you ❤️🙂

[achelei]

[achelei]

“And I knew it. That’s the worst part: I knew it.”

— Marguerite Duras, The North China Lover

[achelei]

“Sometimes you have to lose your mind before you come to your senses.”

— Unknown

[achelei]

“If it’s still in your mind, it is still in your heart.”

— Paulo Coelho

[achelei]

[achelei]

Turning Pages.

Can't really remember when we started to drift apart years ago. We started nice and friendly and I don't even pay that much attention anyway. I was a new girl in town and everyone's new child to take care of as I am not even familiar on the food or locations of your country. I do remember though that I used to spend a lot of time with you and was later on adopted by your circle of friends. Great times. Until one day I heard a story from one of your closest friends at work that you stated that I am drifting away from you. And I can't even understand where I went wrong because all the flashbacks in my head played that you were the one who drifted away cause you don't like the people I invite to spend free times along with you. The last thing I can recall before we stopped talking for so long were the moments in your car - long drive, you singing the songs I have loved from a musical movie and asking me about a blockbuster movie you intend to watch on premier day and I can't even remember if you asked me to go. But this car memory happened months after the drifting apart story so it was still a blur if everything was really my fault. You never said anything after. We just co-existed. Birthdays. Gatherings. Reunions and farewells. We were both there along with your circle of friends but you never said anything. You made it looked like everything's okay between us but after every event, we treat each other like strangers. I was actually surprised that you even invited me on your own farewell party - must be the awkwardness from your circle of friends if I end up uninvited as I've been with you guys for so long. It was another surprise for me that you've attended my farewell party as well. No questions, not even a word nor goodbye. You just came and make sure your presence is felt by your circle of friends I guess. But still, it was a big deal for me that you've decided to go even though everything felt uneasy. I just left and settled with what remains on my memory.

Those last 4.5 years were bittersweet - exciting yet miserable but some other times fun and endearing. I wouldn't have ended up as a matured person as I am now if I have not met you. And I am glad I have left your territory at ease and peace of what we had become. Seeing you again today in person made me realize that things just have to happen in life even in silence. We may not have settled our differences but seeing you smile made me felt that all those silence back then was a way not to make regrettable mistakes of who we are in each other's life. I wanted to leave a piece of our last memory here but alas I am not that brave to post any evidence of us that may end up on your knowing. Let's just leave it as a memento in my phone to keep. Thank you and I wish you well~

[achelei]

Misconception.

I have this old friend that I used to hangout and talk to after work. It was a long cycle of madness until we walked a different path but even after several years, we have kept our communication and are still existing in each other's life. Just recently I received a message from him saying hi and asking how I am. I fell asleep and dreamt of this person in a silly romcom way. I woke up feeling funny and it reminded me of my frustrations the night before Christmas. This dream didn't make me feel anything, not even an interest that day to respond to that old friend of mine and it made me realize more that all the information you might have believed about dreams are just purely misconceptions. People usually tell you that you dream of someone because they've missed you or probably the other way around, you missing that someone. Not that I ever believed any of that, but if you let your emotions control you then you are bound to embrace a very wrong understanding. People may just appear in your dreams because of their presence on your conscious mind, even if it's just a name or a thing that reminds you of that person. But we have the power to decide what we put in that little head of ours and if we fill it with malice, then that's where the downfall begins. Because reality may have nothing to do with what you are imagining but sometimes people wanted to believe that what they think is what is actually happening.

To everyone who's still stuck in that belief, I hope you wake up soon and stop living in that nonsense fantasy of yours. Nothing good ever happens when you rely much on your historical emotions than what's actually logical.

Mind over matter really.

[achelei]

Be very, very careful what you put into that head, because you will never, ever get it out.

- Cardinal Wolsey

[achelei]

A Nightmare Before Christmas.

Hindi ko gets kung bakit minsan kelangan mo maramdaman ng paulit-ulit yung mga pinagdaanan mong hindi maganda noon. Nakakalunod. Nakakapanghina. Ang tagal-tagal naman na nun. Like a decade ago pero it all felt like yesterday na naman because of what I've been through last night. It was a peaceful day and I was expecting a well-deserved rest pero yung panaginip ko was so bad and I can't believe I have to wake up remembering most of it. The story of my dream was like the breakup I never had and it hurts way more than how it actually happened years ago. Kalmado lang naman before eh. Like it didn't sink in until years later knowing you lost someone very important in your life. But having to see that scene play in your mind in the most sarcastic way is really devastating.

In that dream I kept saying repeatedly "tangina, ayoko na umulit". And I woke up like feeling na it was more of a memory than a dream or parang reality that might have happened in an alternate universe (yuck? pati multiverse dinamay pa sa kwento -_-). But anyway, I know it's a feeling na I don't ever wanna feel, ever again. It may not have happened in this lifetime pero it feels like a reminder from my dear subconscious na I still have unresolved issues and I won't be able to really move forward until I forgive myself for all that has and could have been.

Kaya dear self, here's me endlessly saying like from the movies we have always loved to look back to - I hope you find what you are looking for.

[achelei]

No longer wishing her love, I just want her to have peace. That one day she may come in terms with all the decisions she made after her heart died years ago~

[achelei]

“We sleep to forget but they visit our dreams.”

[achelei]

I told you I changed, even when I knew I never could~