acrowlookedatme-blog

[acrowlookedatme-blog]

i.

I could make what I’m writing poetic but that would be unjust. There is nothing romantic, nothing positive about being the child of an alcoholic. Especially when that parent is functioning. 

I spoke to my sister the other day about how neither of us can really remember anything before the age of thirteen. Its scary really that a child can block out so much and its even scarier when their sibling has done the exact same. something I know that she remembers finding stacked beer bottles in the garage. Something we can both remember is the very few moments our parents were affectionate towards each other. Like the holiday we had when I was fourteen, or occasional weddings or birthdays- all things that seem sort of detached from real life. My parents got divorced soon after that holiday, divorce is never easy and I know that it seem so insignificant to some, but the divorce completely shattered my life. my sister had previously moved to university. It resulted in a period of time living under the same roof as both of them- even more uncomfortable then before. i cannot imagine the pain my mother must have felt being married to an alcoholic and raising two young children. But after the divorce she moved to live with her new partner- leaving me alone with my father. Placing me in the position she had told me that she needed to escape. Sometimes it feels as if I am a career for my father but because I cannot tell anyone about his drinking, I am stuck. Its an unspoken truth in my family- something that everyone knows about but no-one wants to address. Its crazy that I wake up every morning and check the front door to see if that lock has been opened and he has left- because I fear that the worst will happen to him when he’s sleeping. 

This, however, doesn’t mean that my mother was a saint. As I have mentioned, soon after the divorce she left me for a man I barely knew who she would later go on to marry. I love my mother, just as I love my father but that doesn’t mean I like either of them. i believe now that my relationship with my mother has grown toxic. i think her own insecurity has caused her to focus on all the negative traits she has passed onto me and I constantly feel criticised by her. I hate the way she treats my sister and her partner sometimes. She’s criticised my weight, my appearance, the choices I have made in life, etc. she fails to see that she has played a huge part in all of the things she is criticising. My sister still chooses to see the postive parts of her but I am finding that harder and harder. 

I am told that because of my dysfunctional family, I now both fear and utterly crave intimacy. I am obsessive and a perfectionist but find it hard to follow tasks to their completion. I will never allow myself to become an emotional burden but I know that I will never recover and therefore I will live a life on my own. Or I will cut my life short. And somehow I need to be fine with either one- whatever I find easiest. I’ve started to think that I have come to the natural end of my life. The friends I have seem settled- making plans for futures. At the end of the month I will watch my sister marry the person she loves. I know that she will recover. I will not allow myself to be an emotion burden to the people that I love.