activeagape-blog

[activeagape-blog]

The Last Year

2017: the year of loss.

I thought about describing that year as waves repeatedly crushing me to the ocean floor, but I’m not so certain that’s apt any more. It may be more accurate to simply say the camp, the shangri la, the oasis, I set up shop in got blown down by so many different disasters, I had to pack my bag, and nomad into the desert. At least, that’s what it feels like.

Ask me in six months. We’ll see.

The year was a frigging storm.

We begin the year with Trump. Why? Because the now-president of the USA’s inauguration to the White House is historical in beginning monumental pain for a broad spectrum of communities. We then move into me unsuccessfully trying to find a place to live, finishing school while working full-time, and moving twice in one month, finally locating the most amazing house to settle in. At least, I thought that it was amazing at the time.

I did not have a summer.

It was riddled with renovations, working a job which barely provided me financial stability, trying to find sustainable employment, and attempting to cope with poor mental health amongst other things.

Those four months are a time I’d rather forget. I was poor across the board, had my first panic attack in two years, and was unable to take a break because taking time off would cost me shifts and therefore money.

I remember thinking many times “I’m doing so much. But I feel like I’m failing. I AM failing. I need to be okay so I can do more!”

I laugh with bitter irony when I think about that.

Then, Christ in His mercy, provides release.

Mid-September, I was seated in a pub with a friend, telling him about my life, and began to cry.

It had been a long time since I had cried in such a public place. And then the most beautiful thing occurred. My friend began to weep with me. There is something so humanistically gorgeous of two souls sharing pain, when another being reaches out with their emotions, professing love and care, and then showing it in splashes of salt water. It’s truly beautiful.

It was a humble meeting for me as I was offered much from someone who had a lot to give. In the first place, I could not afford to eat at this establishment. In addressing this, my friend nodded at the menu and said “tonight is on me. Pick what you want.”

With my last ounce of pride, all I craved at that point were fries. It’s an odd thing to reject a larger food option because you don’t want to be greedy and put your friend out of more money...even though they are willing to give you a whole meal.

That meeting was impactful for me as this person asked me what I would typically make in a week at my job. I told him. He then offered me that exact amount as a gift because his wealth is not his to keep, he said. He told me to use it so I could go be with my parents and rest, which I had not been able to do in six months. For the first time in a while, I felt a bit lighter.

I took the offer and my time home was a glorious week. I had forgotten what silence and the presence of Christ could do for a body which was at its end. It was a holy time…..short lived in season.

A few weeks after I returned home there was a tremendous shift in my church which brought immense pain to my community and me.

About six weeks after that, my Aunt died.

It was a thing no one in my family was anticipating. I guess the biggest way for me to describe my reaction to her passing was me actually taking days off work to simply be present as my mind could not comprehend her gone.

It’s such an odd thing; death. As a Christian, I believe she is in heaven with Christ, but my humanity wouldn’t allow me to rejoice. The only response my heart and brain would give me was pain and grief. And that’s okay.

Christmas, a time where I am usually full of life, held more remembrances rather than new memories fostered. I truly don’t recall what I did during the holidays. Mostly sharing memories of my aunt with family, I suppose.

And now here it is 2018. Yes, things have turned around. I now have a stable full-time job which fully supports me. I have not rightfully heard God’s voice in a while but I know They have been speaking to me through others. Things are better...on the outside. Internally, the processing still goes, the mind catches up with the past, and the past still tugs at recent stitches on the heart.

Mostly, I am in a state of limbo, unsure of the future. When I look back at my past year, I suppose I should be analyzing it and deciphering what I learned, wistfully recalling these lessons with whiskey in hand.

But I don’t think I learned anything. And that’s okay.

I’m sure I found small nuggets of wisdom through experience along the way, but mostly I think I found life is hard sometimes and it will take its toll on any one person. I know I am stronger and I think that’s all I needed to find; some additional strength. There are things I dealt with last year which I look back on and think “man, I could address that so much better now.”

Sometimes life is just life. I know that’s a poor excuse for tragedy, but it’s true. Life changes you, and I have been changed to be sturdier for a harder day, perhaps.

Welcome to Being Human 101. First lesson: Shit happens, and sometimes that’s okay.