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[acupof-jo]

from the archives: 3/19/2019

anthropology is the study of cultures but it’s actually so much more than that. anth looks into humanity - finding stories, uncovering realities that are beyond our own, often unfamiliar but no less rational or “correct” than the ones we are familiar with. anth has taught me not to dismiss, but to be curious about why people are the way they are, say the things they say, and live the way they live, because a rationality is behind everything if we step back, ask, listen, look, and empathize - more often than not, there is beauty in this encounter. i am constantly humbled by people’s stories, and the realization that my reality is just one of so, so many that exist out there, each embedded in different histories, cultures, philosophies, and practicalities. but some things are common to us all in our different worlds - the desire for agency, the need for human relationships, and in these things we can connect and share in our humanity

[acupof-jo]

from the archives: 7/2/2014

I find it fascinating that all the cells in a person’s body (those of the brain, heart, blood, etc) contain identical DNA, yet they vary in appearance and in function because of the differential expression of genes. (the cells differentiate over time) So at the root of it, these cells carry the same content and are controlled by the same powers, yet it is merely other factors that determine what they do and how they are. I think this is analogous to the nature of people. I feel like at the root of it, most humans are really the same - we share the common desire for end happiness, and for that, we strive to achieve, we seek love, we want purpose, we make effort. It’s just that, this common “DNA” becomes exposed to external influences which determine our “individuality”. I believe in individuality, but that individuality is shaped by our circumstances and experiences. And so we diverge- despite the initial common ground, which still exists somewhat hidden, we become ourselves and come to wear separate identities. Yet we are still driven by the forces that we inherently share, ones we see within each other yet often fail to realize due to this “differential expression”.

16 year old me was onto something... I think i still believe this

[acupof-jo]

how to stay human

give yourself grace devalue the outcome look at the sky write a letter hug your friends let yourself be passionate, intense, emotional

[acupof-jo]

everything i loved - sept/oct '23

-eating-

duck bun cha at the eaves, somerville

tacos at red iguana, salt lake city

drunken noodles from tom yum koong

an 'otai in the middle of nowhere, utah

the sweetest pluots at embarcadero farmers market

life-changing malaysian food in milipitas

-seeing-

september babies

a sky of paper lights

the salt flats at sunrise

tule elk and seals at point reyes

peak foliage in new hampshire and quebec city

-reading-

Conversations with Friends (what a letdown)

Before the Coffee gets Cold

being >>

[acupof-jo]

week in costa rica

highlights from a not-so-solo solo trip - the warmth of intercultura, incredible sola eats, ziplining through the jungle, coffee tour, a retired couple from arizona, a night out where $0 was spent, sloth spotting, conversing w ticos, a group of nine random people (from ages 21 to 75) on a weekend trip making sure no one was ever left behind

Cecilia and Antonio (and Sofi) dropped me off at the airport and once I got in the check in line I just started tearing up. I don’t know why Cecilia thanked me, not sure what I did other than fry some dumplings there at the end

I’ve always been bad at saying goodbye. I guess my attachment to people and places doesn’t change… and the idea of never seeing someone again hits me more than most people I guess. Because these people encapsulated an experience that you’ll never get back again, and you kinda have to trust that your crossing of paths was meant to be transient.

At the same time that i probably have a general attachment problem, it’s kind of a beautiful thing that everything and everyone i spend time with has such an impact on me that i have a hard time letting go

[acupof-jo]

healer’s art

may i hold both joy and grief  without letting one step over the other may i show people that they’re not alone may i never lose the wonder and may i always be brave

[acupof-jo]

i missed traveling so much, and i really needed this getaway. a reminder that we are such small beings on a marvelous planet in a gigantic world, and the fact that we get to be here and experience beauty and wonder is reason to keep going. there’s so much living left to do.

i’ve never been a believer in astrology but recently i figured out my birth chart in the company of some astrology enthusiasts and got a bit intrigued. so i downloaded this Spotify playlist called “sad playlist for leo” that I randomly came across (with a cover that reads “maybe i trust the fragile parts of myself too easily”). On the long, rainy walk back from Solheimajokull -  a glacier so awe-inspiring that chris and i both shed tears - I started listening to the playlist and it felt almost divine that This Universe by UMI is the first song that came on. “I think We are little giants in a big sea We are nothing more than make-believe But I'm glad that I could live this life with you, oh But I'm glad that I could spend this time with you, oh But I'm glad that I could feel alive with you, oh And I'm glad that we both chose this planet in this universe, oh”

This trip (and that hike in particular) honestly left me feeling quite spiritual. I’ve shed my religiosity but I don’t think I’ll ever buy that the things we experience in the world can all be boiled down to a series of random chemical and physical reactions. Some things - like the beauty of Iceland, love in all its forms, and even heartache - are magical and really can’t be explained by the science within our minds’ grasp. There’s also something about nature that puts you back in touch with yourself - a return to the body/mind before they were molded by the semi-dystopian world we live in - and back in touch with what matters in the world. damn what if i retired here...

+

Moments to remember - Feeding the fiat, toasty nights with toast, eating our weights worth in Digestibles, uncovering our xyz’s, envying sheep, “pop off”, sharing brainwash flashbacks, finding God in the glaciers, contemplative walks, Chopin in the thermal river, “what’s the point of fearing death if you’re not even truly living?”

[acupof-jo]

lately

- So much of life in adulthood feels like a 10-part balancing act -

How do you grapple with the heartbreaking reality of everything and still let yourself feel joy? How do you lean on others without depending too much? How do you protect yourself without closing up? How do you relax and slow down without dropping the ball? How do you extend empathy and grace without losing self-respect? How do you feel everything without being consumed?

- not sure why every july brings so much turbulence and strong emotions... it’s like clockwork

- I think i just have this deep seated urge or whatever to make everything okay because sometimes the whole world’s pain bleeds into mine, and i don’t know how to let it drain

- Mari Andrews gets me.. it’s always so comforting to see your own thoughts and feelings pieced together in a cleaner, less scary way --

https://mariandrew.bulletin.com/which-season-are-you-inhttps://mariandrew.bulletin.com/our-lovable-limitations

[acupof-jo]

capitalism <3

“I don’t like to snack” “Then what do you live for?” “exploiting the working class” “ah”

[acupof-jo]

inhale, exhale

Reflections from HPC (part 2):

- being a bridge-communicator? I guess this is what i’ve always aspired to, maybe because I always see the gap and I see it again here

- I feel like proximity is so much of the equation around empathy. (I’m reminded of Bryan Stevenson’s grad speech.) How do you act on this in a way that’s not forced?

- I cried when my supervisor stopped me as I was talking about my pain and exercise dilemma and told me to clench my fist, then loosen the grip. Some people just know how to make you feel seen and I can’t think of anything more powerful.

- ACT - affirm (no, but really), counter, transform

- The most beautiful thing about this experience has been the authenticity of the space. I’ve struggled with this idea of an “authentic” self for a good chunk of my life and to be in a space that not only preaches liberation, but actively enables it, has been such a gift. 

- The walk with Evelyn down Centre St, where she greeted the whole community, was a reminder of what fills me up in life. Raw, authentic, genuine, human connection and relationship that transcends the fucked up structures that we live in. One day..

[acupof-jo]

back in theory (and maybe practice)

Reflections from HPC (part 1):

- “We are good at fixing fish.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJEwC4wCM70&ab_channel=TED -- I learned in undergrad that this was the “way” of public health but now this is starting to seem a bit obsolete. Not that public health programs around teaching people how to cook healthy and get exercise are always harmful but after having worked in public health and seen what the real issues are, it almost seems a little demeaning to assume people don’t know these things or haven’t already thought to try. And yes we can target behaviors and what not but... that’s still trying to fix fish, that’s not going to fix the water. What’s going to fix the water is a whole fucking revolution but what do we do in the meantime?

- Listening to your body, your first language - how Abigail put it. We have been conditioned to deny what we feel in our bodies in so many ways and when we listen to our bodies, we are returning to how things are supposed to be. And to use Abigail’s words, it truly is “liberating” to get in touch with what the body is experiencing and say it out loud and not have to shoo it away. And then process in a radically honest way with a group that has your best interests in mind... anti-capitalism am i right

- how we have a whole working group dedicated to de-centering weight and moving away from BMI, but enrollment into the programs is literally based on BMI... so what to do about this paradox?

- the “coding” of racism in education as the achievement gap, in housing as housing discrimination, in child welfare as “disproportionality”... like these are literally the terms that I was taught and now that I look at it from ten feet back I’m like... bro... wtf... just call it what it is...

- I feel like I’ve been in so many spaces at this point where we talk social justice in what’s inevitably a deeply political and personal way, and I know how this works, but I think it’s so easy to get sucked into things that you’re expected to agree with because you’re being “taught” the right way to think but I’m realizing this time around that I am allowed to disagree and form my own opinions, whether I want to say it or not. I also know how this gets super theoretical and as much as I vibe with radical theories, I’m a practical personal at the end of the day so this has always been a point of frustration for me.

- “culture eats strategy for breakfast” - this one is real real

- “calling people in”.... hmm... obviously I get the intent but not super sure about this one

- “The doors to the world of the wild self are few but precious. If you have a deep scar, that is a door. If you have an old, old story, that is a door. If you love the sky and the water so much you almost cannot bear it, that is a door. If you yearn for a deeper life, a full life, a sane life, that is a door.” - Clarissa Pinkola Estes

- so where is my place? what should i do? there are always the contradictions right? how can I be part of this movement in a way that actually feels authentic and good?

[acupof-jo]

2:22am

I don’t reflect on my days enough anymore, might as well since I’ve got myself here at this hour (lol) I probably had about 30 something pages of reflections over the past 5 months which just got deleted, but at least it’s only a sliver.

I was on the phone today to inquire about an insurance claim and while we were waiting for my claim to reprocess this person started talking to me about how much her arms hurt because she was holding her newborn nephew for three hours... it was just such a humane moment. I wonder if this is how she makes her days go by

My uber driver was so curious about what I did for work and wished me good luck on my journey; made me feel like I wanted to do more. this work has just been a series of cognitive dissonances

I notice that the ambitions are strong these days but I often catch myself and wonder if they’re being directed in the right ways, or in ways that are only to engage in nice little fantasies that aren’t going to come to fruition. How do you know whether you want anything for the right reasons? Or whether you have the right idea? Also I don’t remember the last time I’m implemented anything successfully, I always say I’m going to make x thing happen when x time arrives but you should know by now that that’s not how it works. should find a different mentality. or just stop thinking, and start doing

I feel like I've just been battling my own body for the last 4 months and I guess I should be used to it by now but this is on another level (except this is only like stage 1.5 of this madness).. I just want to be the best person that I can be and this is not it

Been realizing that i’m so awful when it comes to dealing with uncertainty, that I'll try to color over it with potential realities but then it gets obsessive and I want to know how to undo something you remember doing since you were literally 12, uncertainty is just the nature of life and how are you going to live always fearing everything that you can’t control?

maybe one of the things I miss most about being a student is being able to stay up till 3am and telling yourself you can just nap at noon... I miss these liminal hours

[acupof-jo]

hope

[acupof-jo]

When you love, I think it’s better to love with your whole heart than to be safe and reserved. I know it might set you up for getting your heart broken which is no fun, but even if that does happen, at least you know that you gave it your all. If it didn’t work out, it wasn’t your fault because you were brave enough to say, “hey, I love the absolute shit out of you, I hope that’s enough”.

[acupof-jo]

turn of the season, I'm cold and i just want to lay in bed and cry listening to this song

[acupof-jo]

lessons in people

I had an Uber driver yesterday who literally turned my anxiety around into pure laughter as we fantasized about dream modes of transportation and he pitched his billionaire goal. The joy was so free flowing I felt like I’d been friends with this stranger for a long time.

Mika is one of the most badass women I've ever met. Her absolute drive and fearlessness inspire me to not set bounds for myself. To not take shit from other people and live life on your own terms and do whatever the hell you need to do. I realized that I have no excuses to make. Gonna miss you.

These kids have seen and been through so much. Sometimes they make me feel like the kid.

I’m still touched by Ms. Diaz and her small gesture at Back to School in asking me about my background and wanting an exchange. I nearly cried because it was the last thing I expected someone to do at this school, I felt so seen. I want to make people feel that way.

I’ve learned that rapport is really hard to build when you think you don’t deserve to take up space. I don’t care how small and out of place you feel, if you don’t walk 당당하게 you’re not going to get what you want. Just fake it till ya freaking make it, you’re a human being too.

Mothers keeping it together for their kids. That strength is incredible

Saying good morning at 6:30 to strangers is a warm feeling

The best thing I’ve learned is that there are genuinely good people around. Working to make sure the next person is okay, advocating, building up own communities, treating other kids as their own, sacrificing time and money to make sure that another person’s day is a little brighter, that the world is a little kinder

[acupof-jo]

this song is actually really really sad but vampire weekend covered it at their concert and I lost my shit.... crazy how life works, the last time I listened to this song in full, I probably didn’t even know where Philadelphia was