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a lobotomy in the 21st century?
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My program glitched and caused this weird layer distortion. But I dig it, so I kept it. 🤷♂️
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'If she isn't younger than me, she isn't skinnier than me, she isn't prettier than me, then why couldn't it just be ME?'
'She's softer than you. She's quieter than you. She's doesn't yell at me. She doesn't call me an idiot or tell me to shut up all the time. She listens to me. She's nice to me. She doesn't make me feel like the only thing keeping her from being happy...is me.'
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A doctor gave me the ick at work today. We were doing one on ones with the kids, and this one kid is in such denial that it's legit scary. But he and the doc had their back and forth and the doc finally dismissed him. We do these in a meeting room. It has a camera but not sound.
And I walked the kid to the door and opened it. And closed it and looked at the doc and said, do you want the next one? And he stretched out and ran his hand through his hair and said, nah. I need a minute after him. And I said cool and started heading out and he looked at me and said, 'where are YOU going.' And it was the look on his face and the way he said it and how he was sitting and I froze and he smirked and said, I'm just giving you shit. And I said 'i just need to get another pen, mine died...' and he waved me off..and i bolted.
It was the way he said it. His voice dropped an octive, it was barely above a whisper. It was weird. It had an intensity to it, that's the word I'm looking for. Intensity.
And it's honestly been on my mind with red flags ever since and I feel like it's just me, something maybe was familiar and my brain triggered.
I've worked with him a few times. And we have good banter. But like...that was weird. I couldn't look at him directly after that.
He just got married to a chick. I'm a guy, I'm...I don't know it doesn't make sense to me. It felt like if I had stayed, something inappropriate would have been said by him. It makes no sense.
After the last kid he said, out loud with his voice and everything 'I fucking hate kids'
And I was taken aback by that.
But he then said it was because they are arrogant and think they are untouchable and it's a dangerous combo.
Every. Single. Kid. Has told me they don't like him.
I don't think I'm going to continue having banter with him again. It's going to be professional from here on out and I'm not going to be alone with him, and I'm not letting any of the kids have one second alone with him.
Fuck that guy. Using his authority voice on me in that way. Weirdo.
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"Learn the rules like a pro and break them like an artist." -Picasso
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So my surgical clinical wasn't bad at all. I did a few skills, watched a couple surgeries. I survived. Now I'm going to enjoy my day off tomorrow and completely chill.
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I'm absolutely panicking, and I don't know what to do. Who in their right mind decided that I should be in surgical. Someone gonna die tomorrow because I forgot EVERYTHING I KNOW
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Well that was long and annoying. Don't forget your Tumblr password and then your secondary email password. Being signed in 24/7 causes you to forget these things then when you're whole ass backpack is stolen, all your new shit doesn't back everything up! 😒 this whole weekend can fuck right off.
Thank the gods for Tara. Note to self: remember this.
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Omg the best TEA in fucking ever just graced my ears. Jessica S. Failed out AGAIN last semester and she can't retry for 4 years. 🤣 omg.....this is just glorious. I didn't know if she had chosen not to attend this year, when I thought of her being an LPN out there somewhere I was like RIP. Sorry patients. You gonna die. But turns out she isn't even an LPN because she sucks. Good riddance. I know it's like...mean or whatever to be so joyful at someone else's failure, but this bitch....she was dangerously incompetent so, it's a wonderful thing.
On the other hand! A wonderful sweet girl didn't pass last semester either, but she's back and in Tara's class. She deserves another chance, because she's kind and compassionate. She has the heart, she just needs to work on the skill.
Bitch instructor is....nicer this semester. To like everyone! I bet she's finally getting laid again. 😂 whatever the reason, it's a nice change. And she absolutely loves me to begin with so it's a win all around. I may have to stop calling her bitch instructor if she keeps being nice to everyone!
1st SIM is today. I'm gonna kill the shit out of it.
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After my ER rotation I can honestly say I need more knowledge before I actually float another shift there again. It's weird I got floated down there in the first place. It was pretty intense though, even though they wouldnt let me do my full scope of practice, and I am more than happy to help make lab runs and give patients warm blankets. I dunno. It was a change of pace and it didn't suck.
My manager, however, is a fucking moron. She doesn't know how to manage people. There's a whole drama thing going on in my unit that I have absolutely nothing to do with since I only work on weekends. But as a manager, you don't tell other employees that you are going to write someone else up and why. You don't gossip about your tinder dates (gross) and you don't delegate your entire job description to a new RN. 🤷♂️ I mean, common sense stuff, yeah?
I may need to find another unit because mine is imploding. And I'm just an innocent observer! And I'm sooo entertained because I come in on Saturday, who ever is there with me fills me in on the drama, and I leave. 😂 it's like Grey's anatomy up in this bitch and I'm getting weekly episodes.
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It's a strange thing to feel like a failure when it's someone else that fails you. Conditioned reaction maybe? Maybe it's the failing of the thing entire that feels so heavy. Regardless, it hasn't been as devastating as I predicted. I think just the peace it has given me helps cushion the blow. It's like when you're waiting for something terrible to happen. Like…a surgery. You see it looming closer and closer but you know you have to see it to the end? Because it's supposed to make things better in some way. As the day gets closer, it just feels like you're drowning in the anticipation of it. Then the day comes, it happens, it's over. And that's the worst of it, right? All that's left is the healing.
I feel better now than I have in a long while. But there's a problem that comes with that. I have completely isolated myself now. I'm comfortable and happy, and confident, and I feel great, but I haven't connected with another human being since that day and I'm pretty sure that could be considered a bad thing? I'm around people. School, work, whatever. But never around someone who knows my middle name. No one who knows what scares me and what moves me. Is that the key to my happiness? Keeping the weapons inside of me and out of the hands of people who aim them right back at me? And then I wonder, am I damaged now? How much of the healing is just ignoring it rather than actual healing? Does it even matter if I'm well? I think that might be the most important thing. What I'm feeling now. And I think I'll keep it because it's been so long since I've felt OK with myself. So I'll sit here in my house, read my books, make my art. Write my words. And enjoy it. But a part of me, the most human part, I suppose, wishes I could share it.
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I might not have a job. Jessica sent an email detailing everyone's job descriptions and it said an LPNs requirements for working in psych were a bachelor's in nursing (I don't have) licensure as an LPN through the state (I do have) and 2-4 years experience (I don't have). So I emailed her back and was like ummm....I don't think I qualify for this job 😂 and she said she would look into it and....she hasn't gotten back to me. I have a shift Saturday night so...we will see I guess.
I have another job lined up just in case.
Everything is just better when I'm busy. I know where I get that from, but we will ignore that.
Bootcamp this year is way easier, we had a skills test yesterday on chest tubes. I feel like it went well. All my assignments are turned in a week ahead of time and if I just keep that momentum up, the rest of the semester will be a breeze.
This semester focuses on care plans pretty heavily, but I love care plans while everyone else hates them, it's like a fun puzzle game trying to figure out all the interventions I will need to implement for any given illness. I fucking love them!! My clinical instructor assigned to me this semester is also the meanest, most difficult to please instructor from last year, but I completely won her over last semester so I'm actually not worried.
I have a lot more confidence, and at the end of this first week and after this past year, it's a welcome feeling.
Tara being in the first year class is it's own thing. The first day was kind of a shock to the system, seeing her in the commons looking like she does. But I let myself be undone for a day and then forced my focus forward because...well I don't really want to think about what all failed there.
I signed up to be a mentor for a first year, wouldn't it be wild if I was hers?
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