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[adam264133]

[adam264133]

100 posts!

[adam264133]

We are real. And forever. And I love you. Our life is my #1 life goal and effort-focus. xoxo

[adam264133]

#fact.

I love you.

[adam264133]

Whatever it takes. turned 1 today!

but...it didn’t..........#confused... whatever, cupcakes! 

[adam264133]

Hey look, it’s us... 

xoxo I love you. Welcome back.

[adam264133]

Oct 4 and Oct 25

So, two important dates coming up.

Oct 4, I get the keys to my house. Mine. No Jessica. Ash and Chels there Thursday nights to Sunday late mornings. I cannot wait to be living without her. My stomach still feels very upside down over you having no part in this, but my own space is mandatory, not matter what else. A contractor is in on Monday the 7th to fix a few things, and then move in shortly after.

Oct 25 is the day I’ve been told to move out by, if not much sooner, as that’s Jessica’s first date. Yep, she told me today that I have a hard “be gone by” date and why. I know she met him online, but didn’t ask much more than that. It’s not my business and as long as he’s not meeting the girls on date 1, I don’t care. She has her own life to live.

And so it goes. Life keeps turning forward, and I think sometimes over how much life you’ve lived without me. How possible it is you’ve now grown accustomed to “normal” life without me. Maybe you have. Or maybe not. Either way, I very much hope your September present finally arrived. And maybe you miss me and want me to keep hope alive. I hope so. God knows that’s what I want Cal. I want to be with you, as much today as ever. Funny how love works. No timetable and no “should.”  Just... is.  xoxoxo

[adam264133]

married to Callie in “Life”

I’ve been missing board games, so tonight Ash, Chels and I played a game before bed.  Ash asked to pick, and chose her fave board game, “Life.”.....We only played about halfway through, but it was enough to get married. Ash married a man named William, Chels selected Alex and I told them Cal. They asked why, I said it’s a name I really like, like my school......Later that night, J asked Ashley who I married. And Ash didn’t say Cal, she said Callie. I smiled and said “mmhm”  ...so, yep, Ashley has said aloud that Adam is married to Callie. Is that the last time she says that sentence? I say, “Not a chance.” ........ I love you. Very much. I will not give up fighting. We can make this work and belong together. I swear, I can feel you feel the same. I know it’s at best, corny. At worst, desperate..but I feel it in my soul right now.

xooxox, your AJ

[adam264133]

Took Chels to an ice hockey game tonight...... ‘was good fun overall. After being there around 90 minutes she was mostly cold and sleepy though, ‘so only lasted 2 periods. Ah well. still very enjoyable.

Alone in the basement now as I sleep down here, and have for...two weeks? longer? it feels like longer. After I read “Harry Potter” to Chels and then kiss Ash, I lock up and tuck in here till morning. 

So, ready for the crazy part? At the game tonight I was thinking of you off and on, as always, when “Country Girl” by Luke Bryan came on. Chels happily danced a bit to it as I sang to her (the 60% of its lyrics that I know anyway) .......when what do I see? But across the arena, a Mom and her two sons semi dancing. The older boy is a bit shy and only kind of swaying, the younger one is holding his momma’s hands and dancing to and fro together. God, all I saw was you and Cash and Charlie. No, she wasn’t remotely as pretty as you (#nobodyis) but I did get a pang in my heart....of all of us going to a hockey game...of us hanging out. It feels close. It feels so far. 

Remember when you said “I’ve never been in love before?”....... Me too. I only do, and ever have, loved you Cal. And I’ll wake up tomorrow hoping it’s the day I hear from you. As everyday is.

I love you. good night. xoxoxo

[adam264133]

FYI, Ash and Chels know who you are now.

No, I didn’t tell them everything. But, as we were driving today, someone is in CA for a wedding, I got an alert on my phone to check the Cal score, (won again! 4 - 0! #hellyes)... Feeling good, I quickly checked the Tennessee game. Seeing the drubbing they received, I said something like “Oh man, that sucks.” Ash asked why as she thought I said that Cal won. I replied that they did, but I checked the Tennessee game because a dear friend of mine went to Tennessee and is a huge supporter of her school still. When Ash asked who, I said “Callie, I worked with her at Advance.” Just....saying your name, talking about you in any context to the girls, it felt exhilarating.....scary..exciting....very bittersweet..., so many things. Of course, it then led to a brief comedy routine of Ash getting confused over Cal playing Ole Miss today vs. Cal (you), watching a loss to Florida. She asked if we ever found it funny that your name was the same basically as my school. I told her we had, once or twice, mentioned it.  ;-) 

So, another milestone. God, I hope today is a moment I reference to the girls one day in a much different, and happier context.

I love you. I miss you every day. Sorry your team is having an incredibly rough  season so far. If I could, I’d take you on a date to try and cheer you up. #serious

xoxox, AJ

[adam264133]

Trash talk, mattress fires and a flying projector..

https://www.espn.com/college-football/story/_/id/27638015/trash-talk-mattress-fires-flying-projector-lane-kiffin-year-tennessee

‘very interesting read! I’m sure you saw this already, ..hmm, or even lived through a bit of it? Or no, this was after you, but not by much!......Anyway, sharing just in case you hadn’t seen it, babe.

Love you. a little tipsy as there are major changes at MMC. Today is the last day of managing things via an Agile methodology, instead we’re staring Waterfall tomorrow. And are wholly unprepared to do so. #DUMB.....So, a few Scrum teams have been drinking mimosas off and on all morning / early afternoon......On the job front, I took 3 in-person interviews over the past months, and didn’t get any offers. Normally this would depress me but in context of the year, it’s par for the course. I keep applying to roles; and here they’ve finally balance-adjusted my workload. So, there’s that. Mostly I’m focused on the house move the millisecond the close comes in, and then working with a mediator to finalize the divorce once J gets back from CA next week.....Oh and hoping every day is the day I hear from you again. That too.  I miss you. I think we should get married..you know not tomorrow, but we should. My knee is ready to bend in front of you. xoxo

[adam264133]

bearded AJ.........new house (#soon, ideally by month’s end), new relationship status (#hate..............that’s for being without you, not her, to be clear).....so, new facial hair...what the hell.  I do like a lot actually, but maybe one day you wake up and realize a bearded geek in glasses does it for you? One can only hope. xoxo love you. miss you daily Cal. 

[adam264133]

45 - 0  & 3-0 and other things...

Blowout win for the Vols tonight AND Berkeley won again to start the season 3 and 0, currently at 1st in the Pac-12. ..... I’m very happy seeing the success for both of our schools!.....I really did miss football and am feeling better from football season alone being back..’now we just need to celebrate together. #Iwish..... It’s very bittersweet to type this and know you’ll read it, but that’s the limit. Just, I get it.... I probably won’t hear from you for a long time. I know that’s the path in front of me I least want, but likely will walk....  I hate it, and I’m getting more sad writing it, but I dont know. .. It feels as wrong to me today as it did on April 1... my heart still hurts and my mind still has trouble wrapping around the fact that this is my life. I guess I’m rambling now, when what I’m trying to say is that with the postings here, the LinkedIn stuff...I’m so sorry if it’s at all harassing or bad. I don’t want to be anything negative for you, I never do. And, I never will.....But, if there is a time I’m supposed to “accept and move on without you”...I sure as hell haven’t felt anything like it. The reason dating is on my mind is that Jess talks openly about it; she’s on sites already and agreed with me on Friday night that it’s extremely likely she starts dating before the year ends. And we talked about how to handle that with the girls......Then she asked how I feel, if  I would. All I said was “No, I’m not ready for that.” Because I’m not. How do I go out with anyone, to say nothing of touching them, if all I feel is sadness they’re not you? Even as I know logically that you and J have probably done plenty this year as a fully committed married couple....wow. that’s. that’s hard to type. I feel so stupid. I’m really sorry if I bother you. I never want to do that.  I just love you, That’’s really all I can offer is my love. I wish that could be enough to make you happy. I miss knowing I make you happy. ....ok, too many tears. Gotta finsih decorating with Ash and Chels (Ash wants Halloween early here since in a few weeks she gets to decorate a whole new house. She’s rather delighted by all this)..... I hope your’e doing well. You matter more than anything. xoxo

AJ loves you. very much.

[adam264133]

Yes, of course buying this has to do with you, but the story does speak to me too, and I want to show my support for both this boy, and for the Vols in going above and beyond to rally around him................... Hmm, now all that said, if you love me a smidgen more for doing it? I shall not complain :D xoxo  I love you.

[adam264133]

Team Green Day pic

You look beautiful and amazingly gorgeous..... I love you. Please, don’t give up on us. I’ll be the husband you deserve. xoox

[adam264133]

Roanoke

Chels has been requesting a haircut for weeks now; the side-shave style that Ash got a few years back. After arriving at her karate class, only to find out then it had been cancelled (#grrrr), we decided to go together to both get some hairs shortened. The young barber’ess...hmm, no, stylist! that’s the word lol.....was all sorts of chatty, and told us how, to celebrate turning 20 this year, she wanted to travel the country. Her most recent road trip? With her boyfriend, to visit his home town., which is....

Roanoke, VA

Yep. What are the odds Chels wants the haircut...karate is cancelled ..and we find a stylist in Vestal, NY who recently came back from.....your town. 1,000 to 1? 10,000?

I love you. The signs are not stopping. They’re not fading. And I believe in them as much as I feel the love in my heart every day. We are going to make it Cal, please don’t give up. And, as you can, please post or tag or just..give me small indicators....ok, sorry, OTHER small ones, I believe that you being on and showing me that green dot about your name icon is a sign to me, like leaving a light on....God do I truly love you and believe in us being married. XOXOXO

[adam264133]

Bonus Brothers & Beto & weird signs

So, few things for you this morning...

One, with the debates next week, I’m again researching to find a debate party to attend as I still haven’t!! Granted, watching with Chels was delightful, but I need to experience this. And in researching them, I saw that Beto was in Roanoke recently!! I very much hope you got to meet him, or at least hear him speak live, babe. I can only imagine how happy you were when he arrived in your town. I love the idea of you smiling & excited for things like that. xoxo

Two, yesterday your spirit animal and I had a talk about when J and I someday marry other people. And, I introduced the concept of “bonus”, vs. “step” to her. And, do you know what she said? That if I marry a woman with two sons, she would have two Bonus-brothers. .. granted, now there is a 3rd bundle of joy in the mix, but of all possible families for her to entertain the idea of?!?! My heart beat a little faster as she broached that idea. I think she very much likes the idea of brothers. #signs

Lastly, on way to get Chels, I saw a man with grey hair walking and holding hands with a little girl. Sure, he could be prematurely grey. Or maybe it was his grand-daughter, I dunno. But, i got a jolt of energy through me, in thinking that a man can absolutely be a father at any age. I know, I think?, that you don’t want more kids after this. But, if we do get back together. I promise I can be a good father for all of your children, whatever their age vs. mine may be. I just....wanted you to know I’m ready for all of this.

I love you. I miss you. xoxo