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[addictwoapen]

I just want a love like this. Pure. Intimate. Comfortable. All the things that matter most.

[addictwoapen]

The window pane is 20 knives, all cutting through my fragile life. Someone new peeking through the room. I fear the name you whispered is mine, I’ll know it soon. I’m headless, I’m just limbs. I think they’re coming in. I already died, so this is extra time. I already died, so now I see it open eyed. I already died, so I am justified. I already died. There’s nothing you can say to change my mind.

[addictwoapen]

normal people rewatch; s1 ep2

Episode 2 starts off with an infamous awkward interaction between Connell and Marianne when she comes to his house. While they're talking in Connell's room Marianne confronts him about his lack of opinions in school and how he seems kind and shy, and Connell takes offense to some of those comments. He says he enjoys talking to her before the start hooking up, and I think they both see a bit of each other in the other person.

I think Connell's comments about how Marianne always has an opinion and how he doesn't know what he thinks or feels a lot of the time show another dichotomy between the two. Marianne is quick to an opinion and isn't afraid to voice it, and Connell is quite the opposite. As this is a rewatch I do know that Connell grows into himself and finds his voice, with the help of Marianne.

The episode parallels Marianne and Connell's various hookups as well as their obvious avoidance of each other throughout the episode, showcasing that despite how close they are physically, they still have a disconnect when it comes to the interacts they have at school.

When the pair are sitting at the beach, you can tell that they are comfortable with the intimacy that has occurred between them and that they really get each other. Jokes that may have been considered mean weeks ago are all made in jest with the understanding that no ill-will is behind them.

Episode two spends a majority off the time highlighting the difference between Marianne and Connell with their social lives and personal lives. Connell consistently allows his friends to be rude and talk rudely to Marianne and doesn't step in, but still wants to continue seeing her without them knowing. And Marianne tries to be close with her mom but is shot down by her brother's actions when he seems jealous that his mother and Marianne are getting along. This furthers the gap between Marianne and the connection she is so desperately craving. Because she isn't getting the relationship with her family that she wants, she seeks it out in Connell, which is why she puts up with their facade at school.

Overall another great episode building up their character differences.

[addictwoapen]

rewatching normal people; s1 ep 1

There are so many things I absolutely adore about Normal People. Not only did I love the book, but the show is one of my favorite adaptations too. Obviously the book gives more personal insight than a show ever really could unless there was a type of narration occurring throughout the show. But there is a lot that the show does a great job of showing through the production style that brings it home in a beautiful way.

I love how much silence there is during dialogue. So much of adolescence is that awkward silence that you experience time and time again with not only your crushes but your friends and family. The background noises are not extensive and music doesn't take up a lot of the scenes. There is soft music occasionally but I feel like it's placed well. This requires the actors to take part in most of the storytelling. The way in which Paul Mescal and Daisy Edgar Jones portray anxious teens going through the experiences of first love and growing up is just immaculate. I can feel the anxiety through the screen and the the excessive caring about what others think, which really brings this show home as an amazing portrayal of life.

The setting becomes a bit more important as the show goes on, but in the first episode, there is not anything special about the cinematography of the landscape that adds to the story like some shows or films. The camera is focused on the dichotomy of Mescal's character Connell and Jones' character Marianne, and I think the parallels between the two are fascinating.

At their core, Connell and Marianne have an obvious class difference, with Marianne's family being on the wealthier side, and Connell and his mother not so much. Connell's mother works as a maid for Marianne's family, but is treated well by Marianne and is seen as a mother figure throughout the show toward Marianne. Small things that seem unimportant but really drive home their differences are the opposite demeanors of each of the character's mothers. Marianne's mom is cold and judgmental, always making a comment about something she is doing wrong; Marianne doesn't eat dinner with her family or converse as freely as she does with other characters. Whereas Connell's mom is inquiring about his university plans, what he wants to study, and is sat with him at dinner eating together. This is the first main depiction of their familial differences that separate them further than just their class difference. So even though Marianne may seem to be more well-off than Connell, it is insinuated by Connell's mom that she "doesn't have it easy", despite Connell's clear misunderstanding of how she could have it so hard when money isn't a core concern for her.

Despite the character's similar struggles with self-esteem and image, they both present it in different ways. In this series, Connell is a bit more of a people pleaser and wants everyone to like him because he wants to be perceived in a positive light; but Marianne presents her struggles with self-esteem in a harsher and more standoff-ish way. She talks back to teachers and is quick-witted and insulting to her classmates. I like that the male lead is portrayed in a typically feminine portrayal of anxiety and vice versa with Marianne's character. Although we do see Marianne's people-pleasing side come out a bit more when she is alone with Connell, it is the only time we see that side of her.

Overall, I loved the introduction to Connell and Marianne in the first episode and how we see the similarities and differences between the two.

[addictwoapen]

it is easier to be angry. being sad is so much worse. anger covers and hides me while sadness becomes a window into my heart. it is easier to be angry.

[addictwoapen]

i typed your name into my phone on accident because you’re the first person i want to share things with. even when the intended sendee was my dad. loving you from miles and miles away like the sister i never had and the family i always wanted.

[addictwoapen]

it is such a strange thing to be wanted. such a human experience that no matter its relatability, we feel completely alone. in a room with one lightbulb, a singular chair, just begging those walking by the window to please see you. to want to be wanted. to not want to stoop to the ideals of a child but to secretly hope someone will choose you despite your undesirable traits that peek through. to hope that one day someone will choose you as their person and all will be right in the world. until then. we want to be wanted.

[addictwoapen]

7:22am (feels like 3:42am)

I never thought I'd live past the age of maybe 18 or 19. I just. Stopped thinking about what would come after.

This doesn't mean I wasn't making plans. But it never had that tangible feeling like the one you experience when a concert for your favorite band is three weeks away. Or when you have a camping trip planned with your dad in the summer and the first hint of spring is finally breaking through the cracks.

When I got to college, I knew I was going to attend grad school. I knew it would be a longer road of education than most of my friends at the time, who were all going to be done in four years, while I had seven to go. But for some reason, while I was making these plans, it had never occurred to me that they were so very real.

I start working with my first round of clients next semester. It will be my first time practicing as a counselor for college students, and I am terrified, but I am also prepared.

They will not be the first people I have talked off the ledge.

15-year-old me did it for the first time her sophomore year of high school. Her friend was threatening to take a bottle of extra-strength ibuprofen and drown herself in the tub. Young me was so overwhelmed that she had panic attacks during her tennis matches. Her vision would tunnel and her memory would fail. A protection technique, they say, that the brain uses to shield you from harm.

16-year-old me did it again for a friend who was self-harming. He sent her pictures of his actively bleeding wrists with no follow-up. And while she sat in her parent's basement trying to figure out her geometry homework, her heart sunk and a slew of texts were sent to make sure he was okay.

17-year-old me did it again for a friend who would often say "goodbye" and turn of her phone. To see if anyone cared about her. Present-day me knows now that she was just struggling. She just needed help. But what a horrible way to live, to have a friend you called your best one disappear and insinuate she's ending her life.

This was all too much for young me. She had her own severe anxiety that prevented her from being able to say what she wanted and be who she is. She had her own depression that consumed her at night and made the world feel like it was ending. She never thought she would get through it. She was just living one day at a time and hoping for the best.

And to be fair. Adult me feels the same at times. Young me is still current me, but god does she feel like she has aged so much in the last few years. I guess what they say about brain development is true.

My golden birthday is next year. 24. A birthday I couldn't even imagine arriving to as a child. I remember thinking "wow, my golden birthday is so much later than everyone else's". All of my friends were born on single digit days, or the early 10s, so their golden birthday came and passed, but I always liked the number 24, and I was excited to have mine when I was an adult and not a child.

24 has been a number I associated with myself since childhood, like most people. It is the number at the end of my e-mail address. It is my go to when making a pin. It is a number that is mine. And when my golden birthday comes and goes, I don't know what that number will mean anymore.

I never thought I'd make it to 24.

By the time the sun starts to set on twenty-four and twenty-five approaches near, I will have my Master's degree. Hopefully a job. I will hopefully be moving out of state and to another far away from where I grew up. I will be working with client's and supporting the community in amazing ways. I will have a cat. I will live with a friend I did not expect to come into my life that has. It's all a very beautiful thought.

But god did I never even expect to make it to 23.

[addictwoapen]

I asked the moon how to love people from a distance. The moon said by making them feel seen and better no matter how far away they are. They would always look for you, hoping you would recognize them in the dark and kiss them through the stars.

[addictwoapen]

{Quote by Chris Mc geown}

[addictwoapen]

unstoppable force (trying desperately to see the good in life) vs immovable object (wishing life would be kinder to me)

[addictwoapen]

staying close w people long distance really is about the mundane stuff. i get texts like "made quesadillas" "spilled mop water all over the floor :(" "lady on the bus has not one not two but three tiny dogs in her purse" andits like wow. i love you more than words can express

[addictwoapen]

It rained all night and I miss my childhood. It's a short poem, I've had a long long night and a short life. I've been trying to remember my grandpa's smile but memory is a treacherous thing. It rained all night and I miss everything I've forgotten.

-Ritika Jyala, excerpt from The Flesh I Burned

[addictwoapen]

I think arguably one of the only things worse than ignoring / denying a victim of abuse is accusing them of being the abuser. Especially given the fact that most abusers use tactics like “you made me do this” or the old “you are abusing me by calling out my abuse bc it makes me feel bad”. The victims who escape those situations often face a long road in their ‘next life’ of internally focused paranoia and constant moral inventory taking; afraid that setting a boundary, or being firm (or being in a bad mood even) is behavior that is too reminiscent of how their own abuser acted. Trauma altering the ability to differentiate. Having to muck through the dense fucking mud of “Am I a bad person, and that’s why this happened to me? Maybe it was all my fault…” A truly devastating phenomenon.

[addictwoapen]

[addictwoapen]

sometimes I feel like life sucks. And i havent lived. Or done anything memorable.

Then i look through the cringiest snapchat memories from college, and I remember my old tennis teammates. I laugh at our drunk videos from a weekend getaway that ended up in many a hangover.

I remember late night steak and dates with my bestie singing dear evan hansen.

I remember videos of bonfires passed from high school with people who are no longer in my life.

And I’m reminded that not everything needs to be monumental. I don’t always need to have contributed something major to society in order to feel worthy of this life.

Sometimes you have to crack jokes for your best friend in the ER on her 24th birthday. Sometimes you have to hold your friend while she cries into your arms at a concert. Sometimes you have to offer rage on behalf of your friends who have been mistreated.

Sometimes all you have to do is offer a little kindness, a little bit of relief, and that can be enough.

[addictwoapen]

“Promise me not to hide yourself when you’re in pain, it’s unfair that we laughed together but you cried alone”

— Unknown