adiaryofmylife - Tumblr blog

[adiaryofmylife]

diary 00

I cried in the shower today, recalled the day I almost ended it all.

I died that day, my soul died but my body stands still in this place called "home" but I haven't been myself. not really. I've wondered what would have happened if I actually pulled that trigger?

It's been more than 4 years since that night, but I always think, "Would people have forgotten me by then?"

I am more afraid of death than I used to. I wonder whenever I have a chance to attend someone's funeral, "How many people would mourn my death?" and I get scared to know if it is only little that cares about me. I get scared.

I still stand here in this land, I don't want to leave my parents when they have no one else to take care of them and no other reason to live for, I don't want to leave my friends who make me feel like I matter, I don't want to leave my boyfriend who everyday fights for me when I cannot, I can't leave the last family who stayed with me when Life dragged me under and I will not leave the cousin that I don't want to see cry on my funeral.

I try so hard to fight the monsters inside my head and will keep fighting until my last breath.

[adiaryofmylife]

Imagine being driven to suicide

[adiaryofmylife]

I am really suicidal lately

I just don’t see the point in being alive anymore, my life has no purpose… 

I don’t make anyone happy, I’m not important to anyone. People would be better off without me. 

I just don’t want to be alive anymore, I’m so done with this life… I don’t enjoy doing anything anymore… when I’m doing something with a friend or do something I used to enjoy, I’m only thinking about how much I don’t want to be here anymore.

I can’t get the thoughts out of my head, I am literally constantly thinking about ending my life.

[adiaryofmylife]

HAHAHAHAHA THE EXPLAINING ITSELF MAKES ME WANT TO CUT EVEN MORE

they asked me if it hurt when I cut

How could I make them understand

That I cut

Because it hurt

[adiaryofmylife]

its been 5 years since a regular razor was not available in this house, a glass then could do alittle bit of harm huh hahahaha

it takes me 54 seconds to dismantle a disposable razor.

[adiaryofmylife]

I can act like i'm not about to end it all haha.

is it bad that i don’t even feel it anymore. like… i know the pain is there but when i cut i just… dont feel it.

[adiaryofmylife]

here we go, again. i feel all light when a cut is made in my wrist lol

For no reason at all. I want to cut myself.

[adiaryofmylife]

can i please?

if i could i would end it for good

[adiaryofmylife]

a lot of people tell me how life is wonderful but is it?

I am at a stage where life doesn't do anything to me except suffer. I do not breathe good air, but I'm breathing toxicity like oxygen. I was so scared of dying but I am close to gripping the only solution I see in front of me. . this piece of glass in my table after I thrown the glass cup.

[adiaryofmylife]

guilt

I am currently in a shell surrounded by guilt knives on my back.

I always think about the past if only I could change some parts of it, maybe then I would be happier now. There will be days when I just choose to shut down every system, from walls to the only light I have.

I hope that people understands what i am going through but unfortunately, they seem to be more happier that i am falling into a deep hole. I wouldn't want to worry much, we will all still end up 6 feet under and i will be the one laughing.

[adiaryofmylife]

Suicide

i keep telling myself I’m going to kill myself and I haven’t yet. wtf is wrong with me.

[adiaryofmylife]

they tell me "never give up" well, i did, I GAVE UP haha

[adiaryofmylife]

it's always asking yourself, why did you allow that much pain in your life that you never deserve?

[adiaryofmylife]

how do you even start healing when the pain is over powering?

[adiaryofmylife]

how do you find peace in a place where peace does not exist?

[adiaryofmylife]

Night has come.

In my mid 20's i started hurting myself because i undiagnosed with depression. He now says "wrong decisions" on movies because a part of me he knows that hurting myself would still be in me, i would still relapse. what a life huh.

[adiaryofmylife]

how do you even begin to heal when life is truly giving you all this pain and challenges, its hardly anymore i can do to help me.