adirasayshello

[adirasayshello]

Hello, Internet.

I spend most of my times using my phone. And although I kept track of journals and planners, I can’t write on them because of, 1. I don’t have any plans. 2. The world is too tough for me right now and I can’t seem to catch up. Life has been heavy, not to mention that I am already heavy. (Haha I am a plus size girlie, a depressed, plus size girlie trying to avoid an ED right now because she is really in a bad place right now.)

I was tossing and turning before I remember I used to blog on tumblr on my thoughts as a person and my short poems. And my everyday is like this. I will stay up until morning, and I will wakeup in the afternoon the next day. What do I do with the staying up late? Easy. I think.

I think of so may things on why my life is like this, on why I am unemployed for 6 months now. I didn’t necessarily planned being unemployed but it gets you good. Tbh, I had plans. When I left my previous work, I thought I’d be reaching my dreams. I thought knowing what I want is as easy as getting what I want. Apparently it’s not and the world has been harder on me since.

I won’t get into details of how I was rejected, but I’ll tell you. 10 times, and along with that, I get angry. Kind of in need of therapy angry but I live in a 3rd world country. Thus explaining why I immediately wanted to end this blog because my goddamn electric fan is buzzing. The kind of buzz you get from buying a cheap ass product.

But my thoughts kept me banging my head unto my fist so I am gonna write them all.

I decided I wanna retrieve my old tumblr accnt. Turns out my small brain barely remembers anything so I decided to create a new one.

I wanted to share how angry I am for being unemployed, I wanted to share how angry I am for being fat but I can not do anything about it. I tried getting angry at the people beside me or is currently in my life but that did not end nicely.

There is this undying voice in my head that screams I am not as important as before because I can’t land a job, one interview even told me I am not fucking good enough.

I sob so much I had snot allover me and got even angrier because I spent my whole life studying only to be told I am not good enough. I still hear that voice in me everyday.

I have anger in me that I didn’t want to kill, but rather allocate properly, but I think my depression stops me from doing so so I just sit by my bed and cry all night.

I am getting sleepy, at-least It worked, this is why I wanted to try writing in the first place.

Goodnight brain, I won today, please do not fight me again tomorrow, I deserve sleep.