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[admirethelittlethings]

[admirethelittlethings]

San Pedro Dr

When I think of what memories I have on that street, Im torn between the pieces of me that were traumatized and the pieces of me that felt some sort of happiness. Ill always be stuck in the in-between.

I miss you but just in the faintest way possible, enough to miss the laughter in the garden village parking lot, the hour and a half walks home, the first kiss that should've mattered more than it did by the Cabrillo elementary school science room. 

San Pedro Dr, you weren't always good to me but the memories I hold are so bittersweet. 

[admirethelittlethings]

I’m there for everyone else and I’m always left so alone.

[admirethelittlethings]

familiarity

We touch and my skin remembers all the times we’ve touched before. 

My heart remembers all the feelings I felt before. 

My brain remembers all the fights and red flags from before. 

I think the only reason you come back is because you get lonely and I'm familiar to you. 

I think I do the same thing too. 

You’ve climbed the walls I built before and there’s none left for you to climb, so you call because its a bit easier this time. 

I say things I don't mean but you believe they're true. 

but if I say I'm over it, then why do my hopes get high whenever I see you?

It always stings a little when we stop talking, but I dont know if I can tell you.

It sucks being familiar with you, we end up going in a circle. 

I guess thats just what “we” do

[admirethelittlethings]

History, youth and a dance

I stepped out of the car, left foot out first.

You were a few feet away but I saw your face.

You stood there with your hands in your pockets while your jaw was purposely dropped for exaggeration.

As I got closer you did nothing but smile, people were talking to you but you were so fixated on me that you weren’t even paying attention.

Looking back on it now it was like a scene in a movie.

Cliche really but it was.

Boy sees girl, falls in-love, stays close but doesn’t give away his feelings. Girl finds out, they confess to one another and every romantic encounter feels like your effortlessly gliding while walking. Kisses feel like lighting bolts. So on and so forth.

I yearn for that type of love now, the gentle kind.

If I wasn’t so insecure I know I would’ve felt the deepest love anyone has yet to give me.

Thank you for showing me it exists.

That I deserve love.

To the night we slow danced, the night you saw me step out of the car left foot first, to the cliche movie scene romance I never fully got to experience.

Most importantly,

To you

[admirethelittlethings]

I was far too young.

I was far too young to realize the way you looked at me.

For years.

I was far too young to understand the love you were trying to give me.

We were 13 then.

You loved all of me. You saw the good, the bad, the ugly. From 13 to 19 you were always there.

Now at 25, I realize I never deserved the love you would’ve given me.

The immaturity, trauma and mental battles I was going through throughout our teen years, I would’ve never been able to love you correctly.

I wish I could go back in time, the night you kissed me, we were 15.

You asked if I felt something and honestly at the time I didn’t.

I was so wrapped up in the toxic relationship I was in at the time to even give you a chance.

I wonder if it would be different now.

I wonder if after all these years you still love me.

Maybe it’s selfish of me, to want the answer to this.

I haven’t talked to you since I was 19.

I guess, all id really want to say to you is, thank you.

For loving the teenage, broken hearted girl who had no idea who she was or what she was doing.

I remember us sitting on a bench, you sat there and just listened. I was crying, I was talking to you about something my dad did. When I was done, the silence was short, you wrapped your arms around me. When you pulled away I cracked a joke and started to laugh.

You looked at me and said “that’s what I love about you, even at your lowest you’re still able to make yourself laugh. You’re still able to keep pushing on. I love your strength”

You always reminded me you’d always be there. You promised. You kept that promise til I moved away. Life has a funny way of pulling people apart.

It’s hard mourning people who are still alive.

I hope I can find a way to contact you.

Tell you all of this.

Til then this will be just another journal entry.

I hope I get to talk to you soon.

Love always,

That teenage, broken hearted girl

[admirethelittlethings]

[admirethelittlethings]

sorry i moaned when you threatened to kill me

[admirethelittlethings]

My favorite conspiracy theory is that everything is going to be ok 

[admirethelittlethings]

[admirethelittlethings]

[admirethelittlethings]

Manifesting sex that is healing, erotic, sensual and spiritual.

[admirethelittlethings]

@weheartit-app​

[admirethelittlethings]

[admirethelittlethings]

[admirethelittlethings]

[admirethelittlethings]

I woke up  this morning exhausted per usual, 

trying to find the strength to slug through the day.

I walk outside to take my dog out and I stood just a little too long, Stared just a little too long, Breathed slowly and you know what? 

In that moment life wasnt so bad