adriftingparadox

[adriftingparadox]

Pretty good 1 out of 365. Spent it with B doing the nasty and lots of cuddles. I bought myself some roller skates today and I’m so excited.

Im getting a tat later this month and I can’t wait. I hope that this year I can break bad old habits and establish new ones that will help better myself.

[adriftingparadox]

The whole album is 👌🔥

[adriftingparadox]

Lol, I was off and took the time to relax. Hung out with this cutie all day while I watched documentaries, but now it’s about to be 3am and I can’t sleep. Idk if it was the addys I took, my insomnia, or both. I don’t usually take them while I’m home, only when I work cause it helps tremendously but ��‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Damn, Sammy is getting big so quick 😭

[adriftingparadox]

Pic I took after a fun night of wearing a remote control vibrator he was controlling and then us fucking. The dress I was wearing could be untied from the side almost like a robe and he got so turned on when he saw me untie it lol.

[adriftingparadox]

I’ve been an overwhelmed mess. I recently moved from one supervisory position to another. I enjoy it more than my previous but I don’t get any sleep anymore. I come home late. I’m even more tired and exhausted. They threw me in there expecting me to know more than I actually did just because I’ve helped. My previous departments only needed one supervisor. We got paid more because that’s where most of the revenue comes from, but our areas were smaller. My new department is bigger and it takes 4, two in the morning and two in the evening and well it’s just been me since the other supervisor has been on paternity leave. He finally comes back next week. These months have been hell, but ever since I took over the role I’ve managed to have all of my staff finish on time instead of the usually 1 or 2am. The light at the end of the tunnel I guess.

I finally have a doctors appointment on the 15th. Trying to take care of myself. (Even though part of it is being reckless with taking medicine so I have that “fake” energy to get me through the day) I’ve gained like 25lbs this year like fuck my life.

[adriftingparadox]

I haven’t had a day off nor will I have one anytime soon. I’m exhausted. Worn out. It’s taking such a huge toll on my mental health just running on fumes and then for someone to have the audacity to act like they are the only one that’s tired like the rest of us aren’t. Like we don’t want to work 12+ hour shifts 24/7. Taking all his fucking anger out on me like it’s my fault when all I’m doing is trying my best. I’m so fucking tired. I might not get a day off, but I’m just glad I get to sleep in today and go in at 9pm for some overnight shifts for a few days.

[adriftingparadox]

Man the guy I like and been talkin to since June really has me out here fucking making me questioning if I’m desperate cause he will make me so fucking sad and later during the day has the power to make me so fucking horny.

While this other dude spilling his guts about how he hs feelings for me and would bring me happiness and is ready to be there for my every need.

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ wtf

[adriftingparadox]

Lol, your heart gets broken?? Tape it back up and cut your hair. I cut my bangs 😂🤦‍♀️

[adriftingparadox]

I was okay all day (probably because I slept most of the day away) but now I’m fucking sad and I’ve been crying. I feel angry, I feel stupid, I feel lost, I feel an assortment of emotions and this “taking it one step at a time” shit sucks. I tell myself tomorrow will be a better day but it’s not.

All the shitty sadness aside, I still want to get better. I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m trying to schedule a doctors appointment. Just a general check up, but hopefully make another appointment to discuss about all the mental health bs cause ya boi needs help lol. I’m tired of being sad all the time, tired of not knowing what day it is or not being able to remember simple shit like if I’ve eaten. I’m tired of feeling tired.

[adriftingparadox]

“Think I fell in love when she said grab me by the neck though”

[adriftingparadox]

Lol he had my black ice cold heart in his hands and he completely shattered it. I got utterly trashed. I thought I meant something. For a brief moment he made me feel wanted. Oh well. Lesson learned. I’m not letting anyone else in. At least for a while. He broke a part of me, but I’ll just use it to focus on not showing my emotions at work. I’ll be his boss soon and I don’t want to let this interfere with work. I’ve always worn my heart on my sleeve... I need to stop. My mentor always told me to work on my emotions and I truly do need to. It would be easier if I just didn’t feel anything lol. My heart aches but I’m just trying to push through the pain and hopefully come to a point where I just don’t care anymore.

Anyways, here’s a random pic I took before work a couple days ago. If I straighten my hair, it was getting pretty long but you can’t tell cause it curls. I chopped it off yesterday tho. Needed something new to help me with moving on and cutting my hair was it lol. Those depression impulses lol. This is why I’ll never get to see myself with long ass hair. 🤦‍♀️

[adriftingparadox]

My hair be looking cute sometimes lol.

Fuck, my anxiety has been so bad lately I’ve been waking up to panic attacks. It doesn’t matter how tired I am, I have to get up and walk around til I calm down. I’m just so tired. I have so many thoughts in my head I feel no peace and I just want to silence all the thoughts. I hate that most of the time I just feel like nothing is real anymore.