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[adventurouskiwi]

Home

I kind of don't know the definition of home anymore. I feel like there are true pieces of me scattered around the world. Some of my happiest, most free, most passionate pieces are out there somewhere. I feel this great sense of not being understood here, of feeling like I don't belong here. I know these are common thoughts, but it really gets me thinking about what I want in life. I've been home for a few weeks now and it feels strange, like I don't quite fit anymore. I had moments overseas that were my hardest, where I felt like the one place I wanted to be was home. I dreamt about the feeling of being home. But now that I've been here I realize there are different parts of me. Different times in my life. I feel the person I was when I was travelling is not the person I am here. I am restrained by the person everyone remembers or expects me to be. Overseas I could be whoever I wanted and I could adjust to learn how to be the real me. I also tasted those days in life where you would not want to trade places with any other human on this earth and I realized that I would have a million of my toughest experiences to get just one of those days.

I feel like I've just lived a chunk of my life that no one will ever understand. Weirdly enough that is also my best chunk of life. I have so many memories, yet no one to talk about them with. And I changed so much, yet even that seems untrue here. I returned and the me I had grown into was facing the me from before I left and now I'm weird in-between. I feel dull, like I've lost some of the best parts and the people around me don't even know they exist. I'm making the most of it and trying to really enjoy being back, fuck I know I'll miss it when I leave again. But I feel out of place here. Like I know how good life can be out there and no one here has figured that out yet. People who dislike their job, or are bored seem so ridiculous to me. Go out and do something, go live, there is so much out there. I want to get back out and drown in it all again, instead of here listening to people complain.

I feel different. I feel like these aren't my people. To be quite honest I have no idea who my people are but I feel like I'm a lot closer to finding them out in the world than here. The people who love life and are making the most of the one they have. The explorers. Each person you meet on the road with their own unique story doing the things you didn't know were possible. I do feel comfortable at home, content. I don't feel lonely here and I'm fairly relaxed. I had a lot more lower moments overseas but definitely a lot more higher moments too. I do appreciate being able to make memories with friends here. But I also feel misunderstood by most of my friends. I'm excited to go again, but I know I need to give it time. To make more memories to miss when I leave. I need to just feel these feelings and appreciate the times I've had that have gotten me to here. This will pass.

[adventurouskiwi]

Moments in my travels

[adventurouskiwi]

Norway

Every time I talk to someone about my time in Norway I get emotional. It's such an indescribable feeling to be on this current high. I have so much gratitude. I can't write about this without being filled with so many overwhelming emotions. This year has been a roller coaster but I wouldn't trade any moment for anything. I have gone from complete isolation and a dream job in the hills of Vinstra only surrounded by animals, to my first van trip which ended up being a lot tougher than I imagined. On new years I watched the fireworks from a rooftop in Oslo with a bunch of deep strangers. I spent some hard weeks looking for a job in Oslo and battling through one of my lowest mental points. Then I traveled North to start an awesome new job and met more great people and animals. I got to show my parents this country with all the pride a person can feel and now I face some very hard goodbyes which just cement how much of my heart this country has. I feel so damn lucky right now, I have just had the craziest year and am ending on an incredible high. I'm unsure how things got this good for me, it all feels very dreamlike. Extremely sad to be leaving this beautiful place but my heart is as full as can be. I am sitting here writing this at 11:30 pm with the most beautiful pink mountains out my window and a sky that never goes dark. I just can't believe this is my life; this has been my life, this is what I made it. This one might be a bit of a read but I want to get everything on the page so I never forget it. So I remember in hard times to come, how bloody special life is.

Norway. The place of grass roofed wooden houses, of picturesque fjords and vast valleys. Where people are quiet but friendly and hard to meet. The place of overpriced chocolate but pancakes for dinner. Where getting drunk takes on a new meaning and everyone stays living where they were born. The place where Winter is as real as it gets with snow stories thick. Where you learn that anything below negative 10 degrees is just fucking cold and frozen hay bales become your worst nightmare. Where the sun controls how you feel, keeping you awake in the summer and something you yearn for in the winter. It's untouched beauty, small cities and summer cabins in the middle of nowhere. Where everyone has a good quality of life and don't quite realize how lucky they are. Where farms have 20 cows, each with a name and farm dogs that sleep on your bed. The place you need winter tires to drive on roads encased by 3 meter tall snow walls. Where reindeer are feral and farm animals roam free in the summer. Land that comes with surprises at every turn and a hike into the mountains is as accessible as walking out your front door. A country you feel safe enough in to leave your car running while you do your grocery shop and where you don't think twice about spending the night alone in the mountains. There are so many amazing qualities of this country and I am so glad I have been immersed in it for the last 12 months. It would be fucking hard to find a place to beat this.

In the summer I would drive the tractor to the very end of a gravel road in the middle of the mountains where my little log cabin with a fire heated spa on the deck awaited. Surrounded by only mountains and animals and experiencing the most happiness I've ever known. Being able to step outside and venture into the mountains almost daily made me think I had found one of the most perfect spots in the world. My dogs would come everywhere with me, whether it was to the grocery store or on a 3 hour road trip to one of our many hikes. Road trips that always filled me with awe as the most breathtaking scenes were found literally around every bend. Then painting murals in the animal shed as I consumed far too many energy drinks and wondering how the fuck I was being paid to do something I loved so much.  When winter came so did darkness but with more beauty then I can describe. A van trip that pushed me more than ever before, one that brought new lessons as I climbed new peaks. The emotions of witnessing the aurora which is by far the most magical thing I've ever witnessed. Countless nights staying awake as my fingers went numb, waiting to see if the sky would come alive. Moving North to old cute stables where I would greet 20 horses in the morning and put them out in the snow. Where you could chuck some snow shoes on and walk into the mountains to find a lake, ready to drill a hole in and go ice fishing. Where bonfires with burnt sausages became a common activity and at night I'd walk outside to watch a dancing sky as my fingers went numb. Meeting travelers from around the world to trade stories with and if they were brave enough, to get in the arctic waters with. Riding beautiful warmbloods in the snow and chatting to friendly horse owners as we watched the most picturesque sunsets. Going running beside the water in such cold temps that my body would be numb, giving me the ability to run further than I'd expect. Waking up to scenes that some people don't even know exist, unsure of how I'd become this lucky.

My little mate Tussi, she deserves her own paragraph. Fuck, she deserves her own book. That dog has been an overwhelmingly precious part of Norway. I can't begin to think of what this year would have looked like without her. She has been there in my hardest times and she has joined me for almost every peak, usually just the two of us, stunned every time by what our eyes were seeing. We became inseparable from the beginning and there was no where I would go without her. I didn't know a dog could become so much of me but she has really been more than I can explain. I hope that I remember every quirky thing about her (and her little tongue). How much she made me laugh, how she stuck by my side wherever we went. She came fishing with me, hiking, camping, skiing and gave me cold night van snuggles when my mood was low. That dog touches every one she meets. Always so excited to get in my car and was so gentle when meeting new people but explosive when she knew you. The biggest attention seeker ever but full of an unmatched amount of love. So many of my moments were shared with her and made better by her being there. I got so incredibly lucky to find myself on a farm with such a precious dog that very quickly became the best shadow. I'm so grateful I will get to spend my last few days with her and although leaving her is fucking hard, she is in a home full of so much love and a place I know will always be my home too. I only wish she knew what she has done and meant for me over the last year.

When I hopped on that plane 1 year ago I had little expectations and just a big yearning for adventure. Well that was the best decision I could have made because fuck it's been a good ride. I have experienced 4 crazy seasons, been left speechless by the northern lights, unable to sleep by the midnight sun, ridden in snow, skied and camped on beautiful mountains, surfed in the arctic waters, fallen in love with every animal I've met, gone on so many road trips, painted numerous murals and just lived. This is it, this is life and it's fucking incredible. I feel like this year has it's own little place in my heart. I cant believe the amount of pinch me moments I have experienced. To wake up almost every day with an unbelievable view no matter where I am. To feel so happy in these vast mountains but to learn my limit of time alone. I've pushed myself in new ways and now have a whole new relationship with my brain. I mean, I'm a couple of glasses of wine deep and reminiscing the shit out of the last 12 months right now but I couldn't be happier or thinking more positively. To leave a place when I'm at my highest point just leaves me so grateful to be alive, so grateful to be able to do the things that I've done, to have had all these new experiences. I can't wait to go home, to see all my favourite people and to return the best version of me yet. I can't wait to create fresh dreams and to continue growing. Last time I travelled I felt like I grew but this is something completely different, now I feel like I know my place in the world, like I know who I am and I belong here. I'm fucking ready to spread every ounce of positivity I have and to see just how much more I can achieve. I have a good sense in how I want to live my life and the level of experiences I can have. Norway has opened new doors of possibilities in my brain. I want to remember this, I want to get this down in words as best I can, I want to remind myself in the future that life is what you make it and these euphoric moments exist. I want to continue being fearless when chasing any crazy dream my brain can imagine, because fuck living any other way. I want to remember it all, to pack it into a snow globe and be able to return to this exact feeling every time I shake it. Norway, the land of so much more than any words I could write.

[adventurouskiwi]

Life in the North

[adventurouskiwi]

Fighting those demons that are never forever ** I can feel it creep in ** Starting to feel more different from usual ** Alienated ** Detached ** When I think I'm getting back to normality it pulls me deeper ** Like it's playing a game ** Energy drained so fast ** Mainly from listening to the abuse inside my head ** It's easy to shut down ** It's easy to see the bad ** People so cruel and the world so ugly ** But I breath ** This is only for now, this will not have hold of me forever ** So I wait ** And I wait

A poem from a shit time

[adventurouskiwi]

Moving North

I did it, I found my next adventure! I class this as my fourth chapter here in Norway and I'm excited about this one. My stages have been; working on the farm in Vinstra, van life, moving to Oslo and now this. I have moved up to Skulsfjord, Tromso in Northern Norway to have a crack at my next opportunity. I am working on a horse stable/air bnb. I get to feed, cover and put out all the horses in the morning, feed them lunch and manage the whole farm. I also prepare the house and a lavvo for Airbnb guests, greet them and ensure they have a good stay. The farm is beautiful with just a small stable of 20 horses. There is a big indoor arena and 3 outdoor arenas which often can't be used because the snow is too thick. We are right on the water of Skulsfjord and surrounded by mountains and quite frankly it's a fucking dreamland and I am one of the luckiest people alive.

I'm meeting travelers again which is great and am also around people everyday as I see the horse owners when they come. I work alone and am loving this amount of balance of independence and interaction with others. It's really great being around these beautiful creatures again and I'm thankful to get out of the rut that I was in in Oslo. I even have a few talented warmbloods that I ride so I couldn't be much happier. I have been here for a few weeks now and so far I have done a crazy amount of learning, so lets get into it.

I jumped straight into my work after a long and unhappy experience of unemployment in Oslo. This gave me a sense of purpose again which was the best feeling and I feel I am very well suited to this job.  My boss has expressed he has been impressed with how quickly I have picked up the job and how much trust he has in me (as he doesn't live here on farm). My horse and farming knowledge made this job very easy for me to pick up quickly and my people skills have come back faster then I thought they would. In the beginning we just verbally discussed payment, but I had some jobs where the horse owners were paying me extra monthly for some extra services I was offering and neither me or my boss had figured out what those services were translating to in terms of an hourly wage. I just got stuck into all the work and found myself very busy. This week I calculated how much I was being paid and it was far from a fair amount. So, I decided to stand up for myself and confront him about it. I was proud of the way I was able to confront him in a respectable manner; confrontation is something that is good for me to practice and something I usually avoid. My boss was very understanding when I told him I wasn't happy with the amount I was being paid, even saying that he wouldn't have worked for that amount either and we both agreed that after this month I wouldn't offer these services that payed so poorly. This is where it gets juicy...

The next day he came to me saying there was a problem. He told me the way that the stables work is everyone pays a month in advance which meant the horse owners had already paid for the next month. I immediately said that that was not my problem and that I hadn't agreed to that and that he would need to work something out because I wouldn't work those jobs at such a low wage. He expressed that he was annoyed that this had come back on to him and that he was going to lose money but agreed to pay me a rate that was fair. The next morning I discussed it with him again. He reminded me that in the beginning I had expressed that I wanted work and didn't mind about the money. That is when I realized that he was correct and I saw that I was somewhat at fault.

With this conflict I found I was quick in deciding what he should do in the situation or what I would do if I were him (pay the person who is a hard worker and is doing a good job a fair amount), but not so quick in asking myself how I should act or what was the right thing for me to be doing in the situation. So after talking to him and seeing his side a lot clearer I decided to take responsibility for my words and stick with our original agreement. Obviously in hindsight I should have sat down and figured this all out in the beginning, well hindsight is a lesson learned. The result in this may be that I get paid less but I did what was right for me and I stuck with my morals and that is the most important thing.

I am proud at the way I have been able to stand up for myself. I have felt I have composed myself well and had some very honest and tough conversations that would have scared me in the past. Conversations that I would have avoided. I think that in itself is a valuable thing to practice because I believe there will be many occasions in life where I'll need to stand up for myself and make sure I am treated right. I have also learnt that when trying to understand someone else you can't just put yourself in their shoes, because their morals or thinking may be very different to yours. So, you need to try and understand the way they think instead. I believe that there is a right way to do anything and even if you are confronting someone or doing something that is uncomfortable you can do it in a way that is fair, respectable and that stays true to yourself. This has taken me a bit to learn. This situation with my boss, I even asked for advice from others and they all shared what they would do in the same scenario; but at the end of the day I decided I needed to do what felt most right to me. Yes, you may get paid less or some people may exploit your good morals but these people will be easier for you to recognize in the future and to distance yourself from due to your own stability. Just know, shit people will remain shit and you will grow from your interaction with them and if you are a good person and you stay true to yourself you will only do good.

Another big challenge of my move here has been working for a lot of different types of people, horse people at that. I have enjoyed being back around people and working on my social skills as well as just being interested in different people and how they work together. Everyone has a different way of thinking and of treating their horses. I have made it my challenge to see if I can adapt to be able to have a good relationship with each of them, even the characters I would normally avoid. Mostly everyone has been so lovely and I've found it easy to get along with them and gain their trust. Just one or two have been a little challenging.

There is a lady who is very uptight, never seems happy and likes to let you know it, someone I would usually avoid. The great thing is I recognized this the moment I met her and knew that this was just the way she was, her own pains and insecurities made her this way and I wasn't going to let the way she talked to or treated me effect me in any way. I wasn't going to put one second of thought into if her words were a reflection of who I am because I simply knew they weren't. Naturally I like to please everyone and will bend over backward to make sure they are happy. I am very good at feeling other peoples feelings which can be awesome but also very draining. Something I have realized is there will always be negative people and there will always be people who don't like you and there's nothing you can do about it, so you shouldn't try so hard. Let the negative people in the world bounce right off you and don't let them have a second of your good energy. I now find instead of getting angry at people who are shit to me I just feel sorry for them. It must be exhausting being that negative and that unhappy. I couldn't imagine what it's like living in their life, especially when in contrast my life is continually filled with such beauty and positivity.

It has taken a long time for me to notice when people's negativity was just their own pain and problems and absolutely nothing to do with me. I used to have a boss who was a nasty person and she had a great deal of an effect on me. She clashed with me the whole way through my employment and ended up telling me not to return to work when I only had 2 days left. This effected me for a long time after too. I would sometimes get so wound up wishing I had said certain things to her that I would not be able to sleep. I watched a documentary one day about a girl who had been abducted for many many years before finally being free and when she was asked if she still hated her abductor she simply said 'no, he took so many years of my life that I won't let him take one more second of my thoughts'. I thought that was so powerful and took so much strength. I realized that I was still letting my old boss, a person I hadn't talked to in months drain my energy and effect me. I realized she simply did not deserve that.

I'm fucking amped for this adventure. Excited to keep on learning and grateful to be living in this dreamland. I can't describe the beauty that surrounds me and the awesomeness of my job. I get to be independent, work with beautiful horses and live in what has to be one of the most beautiful places in the world. I am around people who are there for me and who always want to have a chat. It's crazy how we go from feeling so hopeless and crap to feeling like we couldn't be luckier. I guess that's what lifes all about. Well I love it and am going to ride the shit out of this beautiful, incredible experience in front of me.

[adventurouskiwi]

Landscapes to remind you how beautiful life is - Norway

[adventurouskiwi]

How fucking cool are our brains?

I've had a lot of time in the last month just sitting around. Doing absolutely nothing. Spending days at a time in bed. Not really knowing what to do and uninspired to find out. I have written odd sentences that have come to mind but I don't really know where this writing is going to go or who it's going to help. Today after waking up later then I ever have in my life, for the fifth day in a row. Reading rejection emails from jobs I applied for weeks ago and then half heartedly applying for a couple more just to convince myself I'm doing something. I decided to write a list. What do I enjoy? And after writing my list I realized I have some pretty cool key passions, all revolving around creativity and adventure. Creativity and adventure. Surely those passions are some of the most useful in the world. without these two things nothing new gets created, the limits don't get pushed and people wouldn't find their own unique way to flourish. I need to find my way to flourish.

Another thing hit me. Something that's given me a lot of comfort in the last couple of years. I'm young. Sure, there are people my age that have accomplished far more and would be said to be far more successful then me. But I'm not doing too bad and I don't have to have things figured out yet. There are plenty of great people in this world who didn't have shit figured out by this age and they went on to become great. I plan to do the same, I just don't know how yet. But I'm young, that's the key and that's okay. This adventure may take years and who knows what the fuck I'll be doing when I'm 30 but it will be something and something that can only be formed by the experiences I'm having now.

It's okay to not be okay. Right now I'm not okay. I'm stuck. That's okay. In a few months time I won't be stuck and I would have learnt some pretty big lessons. Right now, as in today I'm taking some different actions to become unstuck. To find that flame again that has been lost for a while now. I'm looking at all my options. Often we don't see all our options, especially the really whacky out there ones (for example, I pondered for a fleeting second this morning if I wanted to become a street artist, I like art and I live on a street so it was something to ponder, but just for a fleeting second). Sometimes the amount of options we have can be overwhelming. In a world where you can literally do anything, be anything, how the fuck do you choose something? So I have taken some actions to get myself moving again, looked into different prospects that aren't just normal job offers. And even put in some thought about some possible ways to make a revenue while travelling.

At the moment I am so transfixed by the human brain. By the complexity and the differences of the human brain. Our brains are everything. The power they hold we can't even begin to understand, and that to me is so exciting. Creating a strong relationship with my own brain has been a main focus of mine. To form a relationship with it. I believe the thoughts we have dictate everything in our life; our health, our surroundings, our karma, the way our lifes story ends up going. I think positivity through everything is an ultimate goal. I am working at the moment at being aware of the direction of my thoughts. To become so adaptive in all situations  so I can have positive thoughts about all things. If we are aware that our thinking will dictate what the world around us looks like and not the other way around we can start to create so much change within.

While travelling I have been lucky enough to meet so many different people, people who society doesn't like. People who are living on the extreme. People who are different, quirky. When I was at school I always felt slightly different. I always seemed to get along with adults easier than my own peers. This made me wonder if there was something wrong with me. Well, I have learnt recently about different personality types and how everyones brain can work differently. Most importantly, I have found out that there are people who think just like me and they will understand me better than anyone else.

I have found myself looking into my personality and every little trait I have. I even took some personality tests just out of interest and they told me pretty much everything I already know but they did give me some insight into some interesting things that I do. For example, it says I take criticism too personally and now that I know that I have noticed just how true it is. Now when I notice myself taking criticism personally I'm just like well that's part of my personality and then I can cool the jets and not take something someone just told me to heart but instead see it for how it was intended. It has been fun to learn about my brain and to push it to new breaking points. I value how deeply my brain works and it makes my ability to connect with some very special individuals very unique. I certainly wouldn't want anyone elses head on my shoulders, even when it keeps me up at night with it's intense depth.

The idea I am exploring right now is this. That our emotions are not caused by external circumstances. Instead I believe we create every emotion to what is happening around us. We grow up thinking that the things around us effect us in a certain way, attributing positive or negative, sad or happy to every event. We do this because everyone does this, we are trained this way. Without knowing it, we are creating everything we feel. We think we must be sad when someone dies, or angry when someone betrays us. But what if we can change this? "There is nothing good or bad, but thinking makes it so"- William Shakespare Every time we feel an emotion, it has been triggered by our thoughts. So if we gain the power of how we want to think about something or someone or a scenario, we can modify the feelings we have to them. I like this because it seems like the next step to becoming more aware. So far I have become aware and I have let myself experience these thoughts. Let them exist without having them control me. But what if I can change them? Manipulate them to something more positive or constructive. Challenging definitely, but also exciting.

I mean it's kind of cool to think we can challenge our natural. When something bad happens that naturally creates negative thoughts, negative emotions, and therefore negative consequences. We can control this. We can flip it around and make it constructive, not let it control us, not let it take all our energy. The ultimate form of being adaptable, which at this stage in my life, seems like the ultimate quest. Also just owning all of the things you feel. To know that no one and no thing is causing you to feel the way you are, it is entirely you. This detaches the weight you would sometimes put on other people, the anger, frustration or blame you might feel for them is all your own doing and in your control. I'm only scraping the surface of something big here but it makes me so intrigued the deeper I dive into this. The freedom we can create for ourselves when we realize we have control over how everything in our life effects us, just blows my little brain.

[adventurouskiwi]

Nana

I don't know what words

What words will mean anything

What words can possibly describe what I feel.

What you mean to me.

What you deserve.

Just numbness

Everything muffled as if I'm permanently under water

But there is no weightlessness here

Instead a thick heaviness

I'm in survival

If you don't think, you won't feel

So I don't think

I'm so far away from you

Or are we closer now

I'm so sorry

Sorry for my selfishness

For not talking to you more

For not being there

I wish you got to hear I love you just once more

I wish I could tell you everything

Of all my adventures

I wish I could see you laugh

And I still don't know if it's true

The world is still spinning

So I spin with it

I know there is a new hole in my heart

But I don't let myself feel it

The longer I distract myself the easier it gets

It seems wrong to not mourn

To not realize, to not remember

But for now this is my only way

I smile, I laugh, I act the same

I don't feel the same. 

I don't feel much at all

Then in moments alone I feel so sad but I don't let myself remember why

I love you so much

After poppa passed I grew so close to you

I felt like your protector

My job was to make you feel better

To make you laugh

And I cherish every moment I got to spend with you

You taught me strength

You taught me resilience

You taught me to see the light through any darkness

I can't thank you enough

You are back with Poppa now

That fills me with happiness

He can tell you everything, of all my adventures

He can make you laugh

You both deserve to laugh forever

I will miss you both every day

Rest in peace Nana

[adventurouskiwi]

The First Step Out Of The Darkness

I have spiralled into a bad place lately. I have become extremely unhappy and my head has become crowded and my vision blurred. I'm fighting those demons at the moment and have become so stuck and sensitive to everything. I can feel it coming. Starting to feel so different. Unlike anyone else and unlike myself. An alien. When I think I have this under control; it pulls me deeper. I know it will pass, I know it's not permanent. So how does it take such a firm hold on me. Why is it not as easy as telling myself not to stress, that it's all going to be alright. I know IT IS all going to be alright. Perhaps my greatest pain, the biggest unease comes from me learning my biggest lessons. Maybe this is all too much for me to understand. Too much for my brain to clearly comprehend what is actually going on. Perhaps this all has reason.

I just watched a talk about a motivational speaker who practised as a monk. He spoke of when he came back to the real world after following and practising in entirety with the monks and he had to apply everything he had learnt in the real world, which brought emotions, uneasiness and a scaredness with it. This feels slightly like my journey. Being by myself and learning who I am alone and then absolutely contrasting that as I throw myself into this scary and uncomfortable new space with a lot of people. It has shaken me to my core. The interactions, the social skills, the person I am when I'm with people all seem so foreign after so long by myself that it has just completely put me into a new spiral of thoughts of who am I again. It has made me feel more lost and uncertain then ever. I thought I'd figured it out. I thought I'd come so far and when I couldn't fit into this new world I thought I'd failed. Like all that learning was for nothing, a lie, like I hadn't developed at all. But now I have to step back. Breathe. I have to take everything that I learnt in isolation, take my new deeper understanding of myself and I have to apply it to this world. To the real world. A world with people and interactions and conversations. It's like learning it all over again except this time I already have a foundation which I have forgotten was there. I have spiralled into a dark depth of self confusion that only as writing this do I realise is really not as bad as I have believed it was.

And this is it. This is the thought process I've been waiting for. This is me coming out of that ugly place. The light bulb moment. I'm learning. I'm learning a fucking lot, and for a moment there it was far too much for me to handle but now it makes so much sense. I'm almost excited about it. I've been craving more lessons but unsure how to find them. Feeling so fucking lost. More lost then I have in a long time. Which made me feel like maybe after all of this journey, I hadn't learnt anything at all. But no. I'm one step closer. I'm coming into this lesson on a whole new level, a deeper depth. When I get through this I will know myself so much more. I will be so much more certain, more invincible.

So how? How do I apply this? What should I do next? I guess these are the questions that have put me in such a shit place for a while now but now I can see that there is a reason for them. There is a reason for all of this. The unease, the confusion. It was all meant to happen. It was inevitable. I couldn't stay in isolation forever and my natural curiosity was always going to bring me to this point of needing to figure out myself when around other people, when in new environments. This is a state with more noise, It's all been too loud for me to hear myself. To understand. But I need to be able to hear what I want to through this noise. I no longer have complete silence but I need to learn to live with this new noise. To turn it down. To hear only the things I need to. Clarity and perspective are what I couldn't find. I still have so many more questions, uncertainties. But this is the first step. The first dose of clarity I've had in a while.

Right now I am in a position of crossroads. A place where I could literally go in any direction and do anything. I am stopped in the fork in the road and not only do I not know what path to take but I also have no idea where all those paths lead. This is the exact position that caused me turmoil a couple of years ago. I have just moved to Oslo after not being paid and working too hard on the farm for the last few weeks. I am looking for a job but it's taking longer then I thought. I'm really unsure of what I want or what I'm doing. But everyone gets into these positions. So how do I work through it? Where do I turn and which road do I take? I guess that's not even the important part. Just moving is the important part. At the moment I am stopped. Just step forward, in any direction. Maybe the direction is unimportant, it's the thing I'm getting caught up on but maybe it's irrelevant. I have believed previously that you just choose a path and go for it and don't stress about the outcome because if it doesn't end up right you can just choose another path. Simple. But right now is a new situation. I don't even know what paths are in front of me. So. Is my plan of attack to figure out where the paths lead. Or just move forward and find all that out when I get there. Although that sounds scary it sounds exciting and almost right.

Okay so a few questions I have in my head right at this moment is: What am I learning? How am I best going to learn it? What is my next step forward? I guess I'm caught up on where to go from here, I've had this lost feeling which from today is nowhere near as daunting as it has been. But I'm still unsure of what I need to be doing.

I'm proud of myself for getting to this point. It's not easy to pull yourself out of that black hole and I think I'm on my way out. It's so hard when you feel completely out of control of any thoughts and so hypersensitive to everything. So alien like. Welcome back brain and constructive and positive thoughts, oh how I've missed you. I don't for a second think it's going to be all clear and positive from here but this is the step of understanding I needed and I'm so proud to have found my way here. That in itself is growth. The thing is I've felt so lost and so guilty for having this blip in life. Not having a job, not having a sense of direction. But maybe this is what I needed. Maybe I needed a break to just figure this all out. This is the process I needed to go through and wherever it leads or however long it takes is exactly what needs to happen. Just trust in the process I guess. Chill in this weird place of unknown. Use it somehow to develop and to lead me forward. My actions are going to be to talk to people that I think could help with my answers. To better myself, read books, exercise, do the things I enjoy. And most of all, to keep my thoughts constructive. To practice bringing them back to a positive place if they start spiralling out of control, which they probably will. But this is the first step. And the first step is enough. This is growth. This is finally me finding something real I can focus my energy on. I have to watch that focus, not let it get too overwhelmed but just keep things simple. Keep it easy. Keep breathing.

I am in a beautiful place, I am surrounded by what could be very beautiful minds and I have a world of opportunities ahead of me. I just need to figure out where my journey is going and how to stay in a positive state while I get there. In this world we have so many identities it's no wonder we feel so lost about who we are so easily. I think this journey is so vital for me. I am still so early on this self awareness journey. I thought I was deep into it but in reality I have only just scraped the surface, I'm only just at the beginning. Sometimes things take time, we forget that. I need to give this time. None of this is meaningless, It's all happening for a reason. It's okay to press pause, it's needed even. I rang my parents a couple of nights ago in tears, extremely unhappy. One of the questions they posed was why do I continue to make life tough on myself? Why don't I just come home, be around people who know me, regroup and get my happiness back. Honestly, I had no clue what the answer to this was. But right now, I feel as though I'm here for a reason. That something within me told me to move away from home to learn these lessons. To push myself. That this was the environment where I would learn. I never had a solid reason for wanting to come to Norway but right now I feel as though I knew that I had to get away to find myself. To venture so much further so I could truly experience what I needed to. And right now I feel like my answers are here somewhere, somewhere in travels, somewhere in the people I'm going to meet. This is where I need to start, to be able to move forward. This is my next big lesson... stay tuned.

[adventurouskiwi]

Tussi

- Norway

[adventurouskiwi]

Living in Isolation

Since arriving in Norway I have pretty much been alone. My job has been on a farm in the mountains all by myself and I've found it very difficult to meet new people. When I first arrived I thought the adjustment would be quite a challenge but I ended up feeling the happiest I ever have. I thought I had done it, I had figured out life. Right there, alone in the mountains with all my animals was the very best and happiest life I could have. But eventually loneliness crept in. It never lasted very long, as it was easy just to stop and look around and think, 'fuck, I am the luckiest person in the world'. But it slowly became harder to shake that lonely feeling when it caught me. Alone with just my brain all day long initially was very positive and I learnt so many things about myself in such a positive light. But it was not always constructive and dark and negative thoughts came.

I found I started to crave very deep conversations. My brain goes quite deep naturally so with nothing to distract it, my thoughts were constantly on a deeper level. I would ring my friends and family back home and found myself jumping to a deep topic very quickly. Luckily everyone back home knows my brain so were happy and amused to keep up with my train of thought. I also found when I met people I wanted to get on a deeper level a lot faster then I usually naturally would. Which was a strange thing for someone who can be quite closed. Not everyone has a brain that functions like that and I definitely value my friends I have who are always able to have a deep conversation if I need.

One thing I find very interesting is that being so isolated has brought out my introverted side a lot more and therefore my anxiety when meeting people seems to have heightened. When I say I don't meet many people I mean I met about 5 new people (besides my boss and his son) in my first 5 months here.  I found with each of these meetings I had a strong desire to be accepted, more so then usual. I also found that after each meeting I would go into this state of unease for a couple of days after, overthinking and overanalysing every part of the interaction. In turn, this feeling of unease has pushed me deeper into my shell to make me not want to meet people even more. I think being around people has become so unusual that it now feels uncomfortable and I feel more vulnerable because my mind is in this deeper more serious state, which is something I would usually hide from people I don't know well.

I find these reactions to such isolation quite interesting and I think it's enough to tell me that this amount of isolation is not the right amount for me and long term I would need to be around more people. this is not the balance. We need people to talk to and to rely on and that whole concept has become very unfamiliar to me. I find I am quieter then I used to be and being around people effects my energy and my mood more then it ever has. I think I need to get to a place where it becomes more consistent and more familiar.

I always find matters of the brain and different brains very interesting. I love pushing myself to points of being uncomfortable just to find a way to adapt to them. I have loved all the lessons I have learnt from travelling and have loved transforming into a stronger more adaptable person. I think part of the travel bug is the person it makes you become and all the lessons you learn. I am definitely learning the value of people and the balance of life. I think this time alone has been extremely valuable to me. To learn how to be completely by myself and to control my thoughts and feelings in situations when I'm alone has been so important. To be distraction free with just my thoughts and be able to keep them positive and constructive. To be able to overcome the low points by myself and learn so much while doing it. It's something most people would really struggle with and I'm proud of the way I have managed and worked through the highs and lows, being able to change my perspective for the better and learn about the way I work in a new depth.

I think having solid connections and in depth conversations is extremely necessary for anyone. Not necessarily all the time. Life is full of finding balance in everything. I am so in my head these days. feeling uneasy, feeling restless, not quite certain of what to do next. I hit my lowest point in a long time a couple of weeks ago. I was extremely unhappy and my spiral of emotions made me become very emotionally fragile. I knew it wouldn't last and I knew my issue was that I really needed people in that moment. I felt stuck and alone. I ended up going to Oslo for New Years and that was just what I needed. I not only met people; I met people I could really connect with. I met similar brains and everything that was building up I was able to release to some very understanding people. It was awesome. I went back to the farm after new years feeling a lot happier, feeling content and feeling strong enough to make my next move.

I know to truly enjoy the rest of the time I have here I need more people to turn to. Some physical blobs of skin that I can ponder life with while drinking overpriced beer on a Saturday. So the next step for me is to be around people, get out of this isolation, make friends, form connections. Have people here that I know I can turn to if I need to in my time here. I am looking for a new job and place to live that is not so isolated. There is a lot of unknowns at this point which naturally causes an unease in me, but I have a strength and an excitement that I know I wouldn't have without the new friends I have formed.

[adventurouskiwi]

The Dancing Sky

- Lofoten, Norway

[adventurouskiwi]

Life In A Van

I have just been travelling and living in a van for over 6 weeks. I have been travelling around Northern Norway and exploring more of this breathtaking country. The Lofoten Islands and the aurora were two of the main things that drew me to Norway to begin with and to finally be able to see them has really blurred the line between my dreams and reality. This is definitely a chapter of my life I will always remember. But it hasn't all been rainbows and unicorns. Living in a van has been a new way to push myself, to throw everything off balance and I can certainly say that I achieved that. I have felt a lot, learnt a lot and seen some pretty incredible shit along the way. I've had some big lows, some real challenges and some moments that should have been great highs became mediocre.

This has been a new level of isolation. I had Tussi (the best dog in the world) with me and felt so grateful for her. Sometimes I just needed a cuddle and I had the cuddliest little fur ball to hug whenever I wanted. Talking to Tussi and sharing chips with her while we drove became second nature. I can't believe how well she handled the endless hours of driving and I feel I owe her so much. I did get worried about her though. It was a lot of isolation for her too and I couldn't help thinking that when I was down and my energy was the only thing she was feeling, she must have felt low too. There were times where I wish I had left her at home in the company of the other dogs so she could be happy. But I was so grateful for her, she picked me up and made me laugh a lot and she gave me reason to go for walks even in the crap weather. I feel so close to her, without her I can't imagine how different the experience would have been. Just being able to share some incredible moments with her made this time so much more special. I can't explain the love I have for that dog, she is so special to me and has been the biggest part of my time in Norway. She has been my anchor so many times.

My first couple of weeks were hard. Really fucking hard. I drove roughly 25 hours (over multiple days) to get to Lofoten and I hadn't really thought about how boring and long that drive would be. With it being winter time the daylight hours are getting shorter and shorter here, and when it gets dark by 4, you feel like it's the middle of the night by 7, so the driving was quite tedious and tiring. Then, when I arrived in Lofoten, the place of my dreams, it was raining and it didn't stop raining for over a week. It's hard to explain just how much the weather effects your mood when you are in such a confined space. But it was tough. Every day I would wake up and my options were to hike or drive. When it was raining and the clouds covered all the mountain peaks, hiking seemed pointless. I would drive around trying to get excited about my surroundings but it sometimes felt impossible to pick myself up. I felt alone. I felt lonely and I questioned what the fuck I was doing multiple times. There I was living out of a van in the most beautiful place in the world, meant to be having the time of my life; and it was shit.  Music became my saviour many times but this was certainly the biggest mental challenge I've faced in a while. There were not a lot of tourists around in this time of year and the whole place was very quiet so I went days in complete isolation.

The change in mood when the weather cleared and I got into the mountains was massive. It made me laugh thinking how you can go from feeling so miserable to so excited and grateful in such a short amount of time. It just reiterates the importance of being patient. I went on a few hikes that quickly became my new favourites, as I saw scenes that I only thought existed in dreams. I saw the aurora multiple times and it left me astounded each time. A cool thing about the aurora is it was often an experience I got to share with others. I would meet others waiting in the cold for it's appearance and the excited energy everyone shared when it appeared was static. I will find it hard to explain what seeing that was like, the sky literally coming alive above you. It's definitely something that I would recommend putting on the top of your bucket list. I guess I would describe it as both unreal and magical. I became addicted to waiting up to see if the sky would dance each night leaving me in complete awe. It still doesn't feel like something that could be real and I'm so glad I got to experience such a phenomenon.

A real challenge was the limited daylight hours. With roughly 4 hours of light each day, I had to decide exactly what I wanted to get done in the few hours before the sun went down again. It also meant I was in bed ridiculously early and my sleeping and eating patterns became fucked. It got dark by 3 so often I was tucked under my 3 duvets by 4 watching a movie, or reading. With such limited light it meant I didn't get to see everything I would have liked but also made me treasure those 4 hours each day and try to take in as much as I could. I found I appreciated the beauty in a different way as I was only allowed to absorb it for such a limited time and then was left craving the next day to come. I can't exaggerate how beautiful the North is and having everything covered in snow just made it that much more breathtaking. I was left on such a high from all the things I was seeing that the amount of darkness didn't depress me or get to me much. I just want to ingrain those sights in my brain forever. I didn't get faced with extreme coldness. My coldest night was around -12 degrees Celsius which was fine. The van wasn't insulated or had any kind of heating but I found I got used to the cold very quickly. The condensation inside got quite bad and it was funny when the droplets would freeze on the roof and my top duvet became hard as it's dampness also froze. I also learnt the true value of socks, especially dry socks and multiple of them. Socks were the one thing that dictated how good or bad my sleep would be. My water would sometimes be frozen so I learnt to put bottles on the dash and blast the heating while I drove. There were definitely challenges but I found them mostly funny and enjoyed trying to overcome them. I even brought a scented candle to light in the van to freshen up the damp smell; and I started getting creative with one pot meals and living very cheaply.

A couple of times I met locals and was even able to go out fishing with some local fisherman. The views from the boat were unbelievable; of snow peaked mountains and sunset hues bouncing off the water. Tussi wasn't sure about the fishing but I think that dog would try anything for me. The times I got to spend with people were so special, everyone was so warm and after being by myself I treasured being able to chat and laugh with others. I also tried surfing in Lofoten (Unstad beach) and that was crazy. The water was about 0 degrees Celsius which was warmer then the air. But the first time I put my head under, the cold was piercing and it took my breath away. I felt so alive being out there in the cold waves while it snowed. Surrounded by white mountains. I struggled to get up but I really enjoyed giving it ago, and like always, I immediately felt the magic from being in the ocean again. The relaxation.

Overall, I am so grateful for the whole experience. I saw some of the most beautiful places I've ever seen and made some incredible memories. Living in a van for the first time was awesome, it was so convenient and although extremely isolating I think I learnt so much. I loved having everything I needed right there with me and just being able to pull over and relax whenever I wanted. I survived alone and in the cold and came out, yet again, a stronger person. I was beyond lucky to have Tussi and will forever be grateful for the special bond I have created with her. Times like this is what life is all about. Pushing yourself and just getting out and doing all the things you want to. Living. I continuously have dreams of how I want to push myself next and I definitely can't wait to live in a van again one day. I feel so lucky to be able to experience the things I do, I am so content with my whole journey so far. Bring on more wild adventures in 2019, I'm excited to see what it has in store.

[adventurouskiwi]

A part of the travel bug is the person it makes you become through all the lessons you learn.

Me.

[adventurouskiwi]

Changing seasons

- Norway

[adventurouskiwi]

Mental Health

This is a topic I wanted to have a yarn about because it’s bloody important and needs to be talked about more. Mental health effects so many people. It is human to have times where we are just not okay but it’s the part of being human we don’t share enough. When I was at uni I went through a period of time where everything became very overwhelming and I simply couldn’t cope. My brain felt like a strangers brain that I couldn’t recognise, that only allowed horrible and unhappy thoughts. At this time I was told I was experiencing anxiety and some depression and I felt extremely alone. The thing is, these feelings are quite common but no one really talks about them so while you’re there experiencing your life spiralling apart it can be an extremely scary and isolating experience. This is why I want to share my experience. I don’t know if many people read this but perhaps someone will one day who is going through a rough time and it might bring them some comfort to know that what they are going through is normal and that it’s going to be okay. It’s going to get better.

I remember when I started spiralling down this dark road I wondered what the hell was happening to me. It was like I woke up one day with a completely different brain and I didn’t know if I would ever get back to where I had been before. It’s so hard being in that place where you simply aren’t coping and you can’t see any fix, it seems so permanent and so dark. I felt like I had no control over my thoughts. Like someone was putting these dark thoughts in my head and I was there held captive to it. I would sometimes wake up and just feel so unhappy that I would stay in bed all day. I remember crying a lot. I would cry so much it hurt and most of the time I had no clue what I was crying about. I just had this blanket of unhappiness, a deep dark feeling in my gut that made me cry. And then I would cry because I didn’t know why I was crying and I just wanted those feelings to go away. Fucking exhausting.

There were times when I would drive to uni and I would park my car and just break down, I wouldn’t be able to get out. Simple tasks like going and sitting in a lecture surrounded by people felt impossible. Going to the grocery store was tough. Holding myself together around people felt like the biggest challenge. I was so incredibly fragile. Someone could say one thing and it would trigger me to go to the bathroom and just break down. The strange thing is often I wasn’t sad about something. It was just a feeling. This awful overwhelming feeling of being so sad and that feeling hung over me like a blanket. It took the light out of everything else and made me feel like I would never be happy.

For someone who is quite logical and not overly emotional to suddenly have all these strange feelings and a head that just didn’t function properly was terrifying. It seemed to happen so fast and I had no idea why or what was happening. I thought I was going crazy. I went to a councelor and it was reassuring to hear that what I was experiencing was normal. During the time I went to multiple councelors which helped me; although it was frustrating for me that there was no quick fix it was nice to be able to talk to someone who’s job was to know what I was going through. I felt like I couldn’t really confide in the people around me because I didn’t think they would understand. Not even I understood. I found it hard to explain what I was going through and one of the hardest things was when someone saw me upset and asked me what was wrong I genuinely didn’t know the answer. I had no idea how to make myself happy and feel in control again.

I remember I was home on break and one night at the dinner table a conversation became too much for me and I went to my room crying. I thought how it was horrible that no one came to comfort me when I was clearly so upset, but in reality at the time I was crying more than I wasn’t and they had tried to comfort me a lot, but no one really knew what to say. Every time I cried it felt like the biggest deal to me, I was in so much pain and my head was just exploding with negativeness. No one knew how to help me and I didn’t know how they could either.

The councelor managed to track down the cause of my anxiety and depression to events in my life that had made me question my deepest morals and stressful future events that were out of my control but stacked together were too overwhelming for me to cope with. For example, I needed to sell my horse which I loved. This by itself was an extremely hard process but on top of everything else that was going on it was unbearable. I remember when I thought about selling him I would just break down and I would spiral into this deep hole where as soon as my tears started to dry, my brain like an evil monster would remind me why I was crying and the tears would hit 5 times harder. I had a lot of headaches and got so tired. It was a deep hole that I kept falling deeper in and couldn’t get myself out of. I remember the counsellor would give me tasks and coping mechanisms which helped because it meant I could try and do something but it was such a slow and long process. I just wanted someone to make me happy and normal again and not to be stuck in this awful place. She would give me breathing techniques to cope with my anxiety and I remember thinking at the time they were so hopeless because they only worked some of the time.

I keep trying to think when or how things got better for me but I can’t really pin point it. It’s a little bit like when you have a runny nose and you find it so annoying but don’t realise or appreciate when it stops running. It just does. (Maybe this is a bad example). I think what helped was making some of the little factors that were contributing to the big overwhelming mess, a little easier. For example, my exams brought me a lot of stress so finishing them was a weight off my shoulders. I remember my parents would tell me to not worry so much about selling my horse and it helped to have them take off some of that pressure I had put on myself. So, I guess if you have a lot going on and it’s just overwhelming, trying to single out and overcome each little factor separately can help and make the whole picture a lot less daunting. It was definitely a gradual process but damn did I come out stronger. I have so much more awareness of my thoughts and emotions now. Roughly a year later there were two deaths in my family within a week of each other and although this time was bloody tough I can reflect now on how well I handled it mentally. I think through learning how to get through the lows in life we can become more adaptable to manage when everything does turn to shit; more ready for whatever life throws you.

I do know that while I was in this state I really couldn’t see a way out, or it getting better. But it does. It will get better. Be kind to yourself, have a warm shower, eat your favourite food, don’t punish yourself if you can’t complete a task. There will be waves of normality in between the darkness but don’t put pressure on yourself if you aren’t coping. Reward yourself for all your small achievements, for being able to go for a walk or managing a lunch with friends. Writing down some of the things in my head seemed to help me unravel that giant ball of thoughts slightly. Write yourself quotes, draw pictures, listen to music (that’s a biggy!). Avoid social media, avoid situations that you know will be hard. Take the time you need. I also listened to sleep meditation to help me get to sleep because it feels like it’s in that silence that our brains can become their loudest.

I know it sounds strange but I’m glad that I have experienced all this. Mental health issues are things you hear about a lot, but I could never fully understand what someone with mental health issues goes through without experiencing it myself. I feel like I understand people so much more now and I can relate to what they might be feeling. I have been able to connect with people through it and have been shocked at the amount of friends who have gone through the same thing. At the time I thought I was the only one in the entire world. I think it would have brought me comfort to know that others around me were facing their own demons. It’s shown me the importance of being open with people, of really talking to them. It can be hard for someone to understand, but someone who experiences mental health issues is a prisoner to their brain. They don’t have control over how they feel, or when they cry or what things will trigger them to break down. I think the best thing you can do is be there for them. Don’t tell them to toughen up or to try and see a different perspective because it’s simply not their choice. Understand how fragile they are, often they won’t want to talk about their thoughts because they won’t understand them or they would have been trapped with them for too long to even have the energy to put them into words. Just be there. Watch movies. Talk shit. Eat pizza. Let them know it’s fine if they want to cry. Just be there.