advesperate

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hey google, how to deal with the reality of it all?

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ok anyways i got some sunlight today and i sent messages i needed to send, i’m ready for peace and love

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[advesperate]

feeling the sun on my skin has been doing me good lately. i haven’t felt so alive in a long time. the heat from the sun warms my skin and reminds me that i’m still alive and that i’ll be alive for a while longer, at least until the warmth leaves me.

it’s kind of crazy to think about everything that’s happened in the last year or so. around six or so months ago, someone who i loved just stopped talking to me out of nowhere, and it’s been hard to deal with that. it’s not the first time they’ve done something like this, and i know it certainly won’t be the last, but it hurts all the same knowing that, and knowing that there’s nothing i can do to help them (if they needed or wanted help with whatever they’re going through). there’s also the fact that i’m in college now, and while i have a manageable schedule, i’m just constantly studying, and i feel as though i’ve been doing nothing but studying lately. this semester i decided to challenge myself and take 18 credits, 15 of which are humanities classes, and there is just so much reading. i love my classes and my professors but i feel like everything i’m reading is slowly suffocating me. it’s not the content, i love everything i’m reading for class, but it’s more so how much i am reading, and i want to be consumed by intellectual curiosity and i want to become obsessed and dive deep into the marrow of the work, but it’s just so hard to find time to do that when my mind is stuck on someone i love and my schedule is so busy, and my bed hasn’t been made in the last week, and the everything is off balance.

it’s been getting better lately, but not by much. my mind is still very much occupied by thoughts of the person i miss. i think about them all the time, against my will most of the time. it hurts so much thinking of them and missing them, since it makes me feel dispensable i suppose. i wasn’t even an afterthought all those other times, and the silence i face from them now in their absence is so piercing it hurts, and i wish i could speak to a therapist about this, but i am not in a financial position to do that, and it’s just so shameful and exhausting having to think about everything. how can someone i’ve never met move me so deeply, and how could i have loved them despite everything?

sigh. anyways, i’m so exhausted. i bought skin care and stuff recently and my quality of life is improving, perhaps tomorrow i’ll go out for a nice walk and let the sun warm my whole body and i’ll feel alive and free for a little while, and maybe that’s just how things will have to be for a while until something changes or i figure something out… not sure, my head is hurting and my eyes are blurring up a bit from the lack of sleep, so i fear my feeling and words may not be articulated well or put cohesively, or it may be contradicting itself or something, i no longer know, but that’s fine. and maybe tomorrow i’ll even pick oranges again

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exhausted from thinking about who i loved before and where they might be now

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finally cleaned my desk :3

in other news, my new books (pictured above) arrived yesterday!! got these for my history of asian americans course for next semester, and reading them before the start of the semester.

currently 60 or so pages into Crying in H Mart by Michelle Zauner and i’m enjoying it so far!!

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you've heard of her right? the whole town's talking about her. the girl who turned kinda weird through the intersection. we all saw and we're mad at her.

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you

d.b.a

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“in this room the hours of love still make shadows.” ― Charles Bukowski

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oh, well the good news is that i got funding to cover my textbooks. i checked my college’s bookstore for my courses and my required texts are well.. interesting. i’m actually looking forward to next semester. i love being an english major

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i think i’m experiencing more bouts of sadness lately. something about wintertime which just makes me want to stay indoors and rot.. oh and missing spending time with people i love

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Selene by Albert Aublet (1880)

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words from sun bleached flies by ethel cain

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i don’t think my soul has ever resonated with someone so deeply as it has with you

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i am stuck in an eternal state of yearning in which i romanticise and fantasise about all the lovers and lives i will never experience.

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~It rained~

Source of image: pinterest

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Evening at the Iris Field by Timothy Easton (Undated, Öl auf Leinwand)