aervents

[aervents]

obvs just talking to myself here but holy shit. i kinda wish i hadn’t deleted all the posts at one point but i just re-read this on a whim and i can very much remember that there was some bad shit on here lol. but im re-reading this like “that was 2019?? was i really like that still just 3 years ago? was i really like that in highschool?” dunno whether i should be glad my brain blocked all the trauma out or sad that im missing a lot of key memories here but. y’know what im gonna mix it up! im actually really happy! my life is going well, im talking to phae and it’s going fantastic, i have my own home and it feels nicer day by day. you made it, aria. there’s still some work left but you expected to be dead about 6 years before now, so i’d say you made it. uhhhh rally u wont but if u see this hiiiii. feel free to text me imy sometimes. anyway bye lmao!

[aervents]

and so i blog! just as i always have, when i have a problem i’ll throw it on this blog, directly or vaguely, it all ends up right here on aervents dot tumblr dot fucking com, and at one point maybe this blog was a good and nice idea, a spot for me to basically journal my depression away, and then rally would read it and we’d talk and i’d feel better but god it’s been so long i hardly remember if i ever actually felt better anymore! point being, this dumbfuck VOID is all i have left! a pit for me to throw my words so they can rot me out in the open rather than just from inside my head. i’d love to have another thing to do, ANYTHING or ANYONE else left to help me on the now relatively rare occasion that i need help, so i could delete this fucking thing, but i don’t! i live every day knowing that regardless of how good or bad, im gonna come back to the same shitty home with the same shitty family and post fuck all on the same shitty fucking vent blog when i’ve got problems

[aervents]

i’m kinda scared of it because like. i used to be like this ALL the time, either in a depressive episode or trying to get better before i had another, and in a way that was kinda... not,,, good but like it almost felt,,, comfortable in the weirdest way? that’s not the right word but i really can’t think of whay the right word is. the deal though is that back then i HAD people. i had lily (formerly robin) and that lil discord group, i had rally, i had band and theatre to make me feel good and proud and accomplished. i had fucking, resources! there was always a bright side, but i don’t have ANYTHING anymore. i get good scores in fucking viddy games sometimes, i guess, but that makes me feel stupid because i’ve been tol it’s stupid for so long. i’ve got like, idk, 4 people from work that i hang out with but god, the shit happening to them is what’s just finally tipped me over the fucking edge, even if i thought i would be welcome to seek help from any of them, right now it’s my job to help them take care if THEIR shit, nobody’s got time for me to have a breakdown anytime soon.

[aervents]

it’s been a long bit sonce i had a depressive episode in like, a real sense but i’ve seen this one fucking coming and here it is

[aervents]

this isn’t healthy

[aervents]

i feel d i s g u s t i n g

[aervents]

im stupidly, terribly, horribly, wonderfully in love

[aervents]

so RIGHT now, i’ve been sitting here eating my heart out wondering if i should ask her to dinner, at least as friends, but i’m desperately scared that if i do i’ll hurt our friendship, simultaneously desperately scared to miss an opportunity to get closer bc i like her!!! a whole lot!!! p much all the time im out of the house is spent hanging with her at this point and this seems like The Powers That Be are giving me fucking divine intervention to ASK HER but im too stuck in my own head to decide to ask!!!

[aervents]

Madalyn,,, is also in a relationship, but isn’t doing anything for valentines, when we were chatting she said they weren’t doing anything because he bought her books n everything this semester (his parents are rich) and he told maddie that 1) she would have to pay him back (it is 500 but like, you’re rich, it wasn’t your money, and she’d your girlfriend but not my buisness) and 2) she wouldn’t have to pay back as much in exchange for not doing anything for valentines or her bday. long story short she has no plans 2night bc her boyfriend’s stingy, i have no plans tonight bc im single and typically, we’d have plans together tonight, but those plans got cancelled bc other friends were busy.

[aervents]

BUT this year i,,, care a lot more, not in the “woe is me way” but in the way that,,,, there’s a girl i like, her name’s madalyn, i work with her, we go out and play magic every thursday, and lately we spend pretty much most of every tuesday carpooling around bc our classes line up, and at the end of the day we go to play dnd, and it’s just nice to hang out like that y’know? so i’d say we’re pretty close friends. again, typically, we’d go out and play magic with a couple other friends on thursday, but said other friends are all in relationships, and have plans for the night.

[aervents]

it’s valentines day, and like, some people are single and sad about it, and some people are extra single and sad today, but generally i don’t really care,, im single, i’ve been single for years, i don’t really mind it, in the sense that i’d rather be single than be in relationships just for the sake of being in relationships

[aervents]

im glad nobody following this blog like, still uses tumblr cus im about to Write A Post

[aervents]

i was maybe gonna like, post but instead i sat and fiddled with my mobile theme and i feel better now, even tho in theory nobody’ll even see it

[aervents]

[aervents]

hrm-ing emoji

[aervents]

why on earth did god, or the universe, or whatever the fuck, decide it was a good idea to give me a beautiful bass voice, make me so good at performing and speaking, why am i so TALENTED with this voice, when it is not my own? when my voice betrays myself, my identity, completely? why must i struggle against my talents, my passion, in order to become my true self? can i give up one facet of myself for another, and still be whole? still be human? is it even possible to give one up??? if and when i try transition, will it even be possible to pass like this, or will i end up a freak, forced to remain mute for my own sake?

[aervents]

Remember when that cop pepper-sprayed students in 2011? UC Davis paid $175K to scrub it from the internet’s memory https://t.co/5prbgrx1WL

— Xeni (@xeni) April 14, 2016