aeternaluminanoctis

[aeternaluminanoctis]

Vent.

I hate being a system. It's so exhausting. I don't want to be stuck thinking of all the bad stuff. Why can't we just be normal. Why couldn't we just have a better life. Why are we forced to re-live trauma every single day?

[aeternaluminanoctis]

One of these days I'm going to snap and tell this incompetent piece of human waste to not talk to us with stupid shit right before our shift. Yes. Stressing out the person prone to migraines right before we deal with a loud work shift is soooo effective.

[aeternaluminanoctis]

Been a while since we posted here. Many things have happened. Currently waiting to hear back from an office to officially conduct a psych eval for us. Our therapist has changed our diagnosis but we will wait until we get a second opinion to say it here. We are currently healing from getting our wisdom teeth out. We've had some splits from the last time we posted. We've made friends and have been trying to be more social. I think it's working. I've been fronting more recently but not daily. That is all, I believe.

[aeternaluminanoctis]

I hope that where ever he is, he had a good birthday.

[aeternaluminanoctis]

We've been officially diagnosed with unspecified dissociative and conversion disorder. We are incredibly lucky to even get a diagnosis. Now comes the hard part, tackling our trauma and learning to heal.

[aeternaluminanoctis]

We have to survive. No matter what. We have to survive.

[aeternaluminanoctis]

Startling realization that I've been locked in the front ever since we got a date to go back to work..... That place really isn't the best for us mentally.... but it brings in the most money... we will see I guess.. Perhaps we will just ask for the minimum shifts.

[aeternaluminanoctis]

I guess I'm still the holder of weird dreams... I can't really remember what it was but it made us wake up at 8 am before I fell back asleep so... •_•

[aeternaluminanoctis]

Pretending to be kuro took so much more energy than I thought it would...

[aeternaluminanoctis]

Slowly coming to the realization that being the Organizer is something akin to a System Manager.....

[aeternaluminanoctis]

It's been months. Months of not worrying or being focused on source. Months of not feeling this guilt. Why is it back? I thought I could finally be done with it....

Isn't it so ironic that I went from being a protector in source to being one of the main protectors in our collective?? They trust me and yet... all I can think about is how I let him down.

[aeternaluminanoctis]

I miss them.

[aeternaluminanoctis]

Venting about derealization

Everyone wants to "be a system" until being a system means having two nightmares back to back that are so jarring that we quite literally could not tell what was the difference between the dreams and real life and spiraled immediately into rejection sensitive dysphoria.

It's all "you have friends in your head! That's so cool" until we are so fucking out of it that even all of our protectors and caregivers can't help so we are just lying in bed, switching and in emotional turmoil for hours until we inevitably fall back asleep due to exhaustion. OVER A DREAM.

It's wonderful knowing it's already noon and we've spent half the day dissociating and depressed to the point we haven't left our bed once. So great! /sar

[aeternaluminanoctis]

Switching like crazy today all due to our therapy appointment. 💥 was pissed and didn't even want to go. Ended up switching out out of spite for our therapist and we haven't been able to stick to front for more than an hour since.

[aeternaluminanoctis]

Hate this. I hate anxiety. I hate having to be the one that deals with it the most. Why do I have to deal with our anxiety attacks. The only reason I'm here right now is because Kuro couldn't deal with his emotions... it's.. it's the worst!

[aeternaluminanoctis]

Fucking hate fronting. It's always ass. All the people in this house are assholes.

[aeternaluminanoctis]

It's been... so long since I felt longing for my source like this... I don't think the feeling ever truly left... maybe just got pushed away since I became somewhat more focused on keeping things in tact inside our headspace...

I suppose music will always make me mourn the life I used to have.