affantoxic - Tumblr blog

[affantoxic]

and now as I turn to the other side of my bed in a failed attempt to sleep

I come to realize I did not turn without cause

so close yet so far

its 4 40 in the night and the clouds are crying seeing us,we.

two teenagers in love trying

I get out of my room to sit in the rain and share the pain of the clouds.

only to understand sometimes a distance of 25km can seem like eternities away

yet I smile while crying, my brain constantly gives me serotonin like I'd give u kisses if I get the chance only

only because I've got your coniousness and maybe thats all I need.

[affantoxic]

so many faces became distant

so many moments turned to memories

so many names which were used in present started to be used in the past

so many friendships broken

so many faded

so many weakened

and then u sit at 3 in the night

thinking if all was worth it

the holy monotomy of loving everyone and anything

desperately waiting for a hello from the same faces

was it all worth it?

[affantoxic]

driving down an empty road

who am I

smoking on a rooftop alone

who am I

contemplating in a crowd

who am I

watching the sunset alone

who am I

being amongst love one's

who am I .

though this world tells me I'm a human with a identity

a name

an age

an origin

but still this doesn't answer

who am I

how are we all living still ignoring the question

who are we.

are we merely a knot of nerves with worldly identities

are we little dots with which God plays

are we individuals with our own truth as a whole

are we trying or not

am I trying or not

who am I.

[affantoxic]

is there God.

is this an inevitable truth I'm going to face.

I sit on the floor of my room.

its 3 in the night.

I've got a cofee mug and a cigerrate.

they seem to be the only friends at the moment.

I cry, I pray, I stand up, I give up.

I walk to the kitchen the cupboards open

I close them and the problems seem to disspear

I wish I could close the cupboards.

[affantoxic]

The things u couldn't say

Were things I needed to hear

Thorns couldn't leave the flowers

What I achieved I lost

I wish I could live again

The moments from which my heart is tied

I have no friends

She is my friend

We couldn't live together in this world

Weak tongues empty homes

[affantoxic]

what is the purpose of writing now

If it's only because of the pain she caused

all poets are dead

all scrambled words are meaningless

he asks himself

he contemplates

he realizes

its all because of pain

he starts to like pain

he starts to like the feeling of being stuck in a blurry haze

he also starts to die while being alive

he becomes a poet

[affantoxic]

if I could sleep truly sleep not this flickering haze of wakefulness if I could only fall headlong down to the floor of my pitch-dark consciousness

if I could hide in dreams

or perhaps in memories

[affantoxic]

If words held meaning

if smiles meant happiness

if emotions were true

if holding hands was timeless

if feeling ur hands against my face held meaning

if my written words held any meaning to u

if only the little things meant something

if these lines made u understand

heaven would be reality not faith

[affantoxic]

is this a psychotic breakdown

or a moment of clarity

are these a wave of memories about u

the good and bad

ur unconsciousness still visits me

though I can't cry but still make me feel somewhat worse than it

u left tried to make urself good

I am still there trying to make us good

such tragedy it is

[affantoxic]

I crave nobody,

she is my friend,

I walk with nobody,

she takes my hand,

I crave nobody,

she gives me the stars,

I crave into nobody,

I've been through wars inside,

this bell shaped silence hits so hard,

I look for nobody,

she's right around the corner.

nobody yet she is