afleurdecouleur

[afleurdecouleur]

I begged

And no one came.

So I stood silent

And despair came to me,

As a friend.

[afleurdecouleur]

J'arrive plus.

A enregistrer, à suivre, à écouter, à être patient, à me regarder.

J'arrive plus parfois.

Je me demande comment je fais déjà pour survivre avec tout ça.

Je me dégoûte

Je me dégoûte mais j'ai besoin de me goinfrer pour oublier.

Je m'écœure mais j'ai besoin de lutter contre le sommeil pour ne pas penser.

Penser est douloureux parfois, mais la faim est pire parfois.

Je me répugne, alors je me décore la peau avec le rasoir, pour oublier, pour survivre, pour respirer un peu mieux.

Vivre est pesant

Survivre, j'espère, sera plus facile demain.

[afleurdecouleur]

Elvish gardens - Saint-Jean-Cap-Ferrat, France

[afleurdecouleur]

I thought I’d brighten things up to thank you for saving me last night.

SUNFLOWERS in VINCENT AND THE DOCTOR | 5.10

for @ellacannotdance��� !

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my lil flower boy, Clementine 🌱

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birdies n crystals | by _stalktheground_

[afleurdecouleur]

Warmed my heart.

[afleurdecouleur]

Tu déambules, tu ne sais plus où tu vas, tu ne sais plus qui tu es, tu ne sais plus. Tu avances sans regarder, ni d’où tu viens, ni où tu vas.

Une fois de plus, tu subis. Passivement, tu attends que quelque chose arrive, tu attends le petit déclic dans ta tête qui te dira « putain bouge toi, lève tes fesses, fais quelque chose ». Mais les voix qui parlent disent tout, tout sauf ça.

Tu n’entends plus rien à part ces petites voix dans ta tête. Elles parlent sans s’arrêter, elles parlent tellement fort, tu ne comprends plus rien. Tu es comme hypnotisée. Tu n’es plus vraiment toi même.

C’est pire qu’avant, tu ne savais pas que c’était possible. C’est comme si on avait rassemblé toute la douleur que tu avais ressenti au cours de ta vie, et qu’on te l’avait jeté au visage, qu’on l’avait remise en toi.

Tu ne sais plus rien, tu ne sais même plus pourquoi tu continues de te lever le matin, de te coucher le soir, ou même pourquoi tu continues de respirer.

Parce que l’air autour de toi est irrespirable, tu suffoques à chaque bouffée d’air. Tu n’essayes même pas de lutter. C’est comme si tu sentais que c’était fini, que cette fois, tu n’en sortiras pas.

Tu n’espères même plus t’en sortir, à quoi bon? Pour faire quoi?

[afleurdecouleur]

Sombre forêt (by GUIOT Damien)

[afleurdecouleur]

garden gnome glitch

instagram

[afleurdecouleur]

“There’s so much more to life than finding someone who will want you, or being sad over someone who doesn’t. There’s a lot of wonderful time to be spent discovering yourself without hoping someone will fall in love with you along the way, and it doesn’t need to be painful or empty. You need to fill yourself up with love. Not anyone else. Become a whole being on your own. Go on adventures, fall asleep in the woods with friends, wander around the city at night, sit in a coffee shop on your own, write on bathroom stalls, leave notes in library books, dress up for yourself, give to others, smile a lot. Do all things with love, but don’t romanticize life like you can’t survive without it. Live for yourself and be happy on your own. It isn’t any less beautiful, I promise.”

— Emery Allen

[afleurdecouleur]

When I was 15/16 I was in an accident that left me with chronic pain and internal damage that meant pregnancy was highly unlikely for me. I’ve never wanted children. The reality of me probably being unable to have children never bothered me. It’s bothered everyone else though. People have cried more over my inability to have children than I have. No matter what I say no one will believe that I’m happy in my body regardless of its ability to produce children. They mourn my body like it belongs to them. As though my ability to have children has any affect on their life.

A few months ago I missed two periods in a row and took a pregnancy test that turned out to be a false positive. I went to Planned Parenthood to get a professional opinion and with the full intention of getting an abortion if it turned out that I was pregnant against all odds. There was no fear beyond the usual nervousness you experience at the prospect of a medical procedure. There was no emotional turmoil over my decision. I know what I want and it isn’t kids. The choice was an easy one for me.

When I finally opened up about my pregnancy scare to a few friends, all of them “good” feminist women, they were almost offended over how easy the decision was for me. “If you had been pregnant that may have been your only shot at a biological child. How could you just give that up without more thought?” One asked me. “So many women in your position would kill to be able to get pregnant and you were going to just throw it away?” Another one said to me.

I am not an incubator for other women’s hopes and dreams. If I ever do get pregnant I will not stay that way just because other people in my position would be grateful to have a chance at experiencing pregnancy/birth. I’m not interested in that. I never will be. I don’t want children.

If your idea of “my body my choice” only extends to certain people it’s bullshit. If you think certain women should be grateful for unwanted pregnancies just because any pregnancy for them was unlikely you’re disrespecting their choice. Stop treating women with fertility/reproductive health issues like we’re broken or should feel sad over our health when we tell you we don’t. Stop thinking we owe you “miracle babies” even when we don’t want children.

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my life // sleeping with sirens

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via weheartit

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